To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

@DietrichandDiMaggio

as evidenced by all the airy "student loans pay for that" comments on here. Well, they might, but they really might not either.

To be fair, I think most people who have said loans pay for that have been referring to fees. I don't think anyone has suggested all students can get enough maintenance loan to cover all expenses.

Maybe it's my perception then. But working in an educational setting I find many parents are surprised by the system.

My DC at Uni covers all of that himself with loans and bursaries (minus a car - uses trains) but I send gifts of useful things and feed and house them when home for breaks.

Let them assume they have to do it themselves, but with you as their rock to guide them through it, IMO. It’s good for them.

@Porcupineintherough

£150 per week for food, clothes, travel and socialising! Well fuck!

🤣

I'll help my DD as much as I can when the time comes but I'm thinking more along the lines of packing her off each term with a topped up laundry card and Oyster card and a couple of hundred quid on a supermarket gift card.

@HelpMeHiveMind yes, the maintenance aspect of the student loan is pretty rubbish if you have a reasonably good income but lots of expenses. We found this when eldest went to uni as we still had two at home who were also starting to get expensive.

Local university only works if your local university offers suitable courses. Ours didnt so living away or not going were the two choices. Uni was essential for the career eldest wanted (and now has) so that was that.

Manage expectations from now on. Encourage DCs to learn to budget. Make it clear how far the Bank of Mum & Dad can afford to stretch. Encourage independent thinking so your DCs dont demand things which are beyond the family budget just because their peers can have them.

My DCs didnt even bother to bring home the letters from school about ski trips etc as they knew these were beyond what we could afford.

The uni years were lean for us. No holidays and quite a lot of belt tightening. On the plus side they are generally 3-4 years. The maintenance loan was not much above the minimum. What helped was using the loan to pay for accommodation. We then had to pay the difference between the loan and the termly charge but at least that was a smaller sum to come out in one go. We then paid DC a sum of money each week for food etc. Again this meant we were having to find smaller sums rather than large lumps of cash.

DCs didnt get and dont expect big cash payments for house deposits, cars etc. If we are feeling flush then we share but not in a way DCs expect so it is a nice surprise for them. We have always said to them (they are now 22, 23 & 26) to tell us if they are in difficulty and we will do whatever we can to help.

My husband and I were talking about this the other day. We are mid 30s but husband only started climbing the career ladder when he hit 30 so we don't have any savings and up until recently we were down to zero at the end of each month. Luckily we aren't in that situation now, but it's only 6 years until my eldest could possibly be going to university. We won't be able to pay anything towards it at all as we are just not in that position to.
Luckily my parents pay into a savings account for my children so they will have a lump sum on reaching 18 and beyond which I hope they will use sensibly towards a house deposit.
We will be able to pay for day to day things, basic clothing and mobile phones etc but if daughter wants high cost clothes /make up she will have to earn her own money to buy those.
For me I think learning to drive at 17/18 is incredibly important. Even if you don't have a car afterwards, you've got that licence. We will pay for those lessons. I honestly don't know how we would manage if we couldn't drive. My sister is 30 and can't drive. She has kids and her life is so limited because of it and she relies on lifts all the time. I want my children to have to freedom that being able to drive gives you.

That's a good point about help from GPs @Upsetdaughter379.

Something to think about for those with younger DCs, particularly people who don't have loads of money to bankroll their offspring into a comfortable adulthood.

We've just had Christmas and all the angst, excess and waste that this produces and the endless threads about young children with too many toys that will quickly break or get forgotten about and there is no room to store.

Perhaps people in this position might want to have a conversation with their parents and other relatives who always spend 'too much' on gifts for grandchildren and tell them that you'd much rather if they buy just one smaller gift and if they want to give more, it would be really appreciated if they could put money in a savings account (or investment product seeing as we're talking about potentially 15-20 years of savings) to help with the cost of all these things when they are older? Because in a lot of cases, that's what they really need, not more and more stuff now?

Upsetdaughter379 you're so right about driving. In reality a driving license is more useful to most people than a lot of non vocational degrees ever are, including when being pragmatic about career opportunities. Obviously it's possible to live in London and never need a driving license, but most people live somewhere else for most of their adult life even if they move to London for a few years in their 20s...

In terms of opening up opportunities, widening prospects, making the saying "the world's your oyster" true, a driving license is (sadly perhaps, but pragmatically) probably a better investment than university for some - the idea everyone has to go to university at 18 is an odd one and often more about parents' aspirations/ hang ups/ need to"keep up" with what peer's children do than teens actual life plans. Either way nobody's going to finance someone else's offspring's driving lessons but there are plenty of ways to get paid while doing/ to do degree level study.

Work paid for my driving lessons when I was 17! Never realised at the time how lucky I was, and I suspect that's very rare nowadays.

Teach your children that there are wants and needs. Money can't buy everything so you have to prioritise and work amd save to get the other things "needed" in life.
I would suggest that if you save monthly for kids to put it into an investment that is going to have a good rate of return.
A cash ISA will give very little interest but invest the same in a stocks and shares ISA and the gains are considerably more. Make the money you do save for kids work hard.

@bringiton2022 fair enough. I think we are coming at it from different perspectives cos i never expect to earn enough to pay it back but you hope your kids will - and that's ok!

We’re in Italy where University is cheap but self/parent funded, they can take longer to do it as long as the fees are paid each year, and they can resit exams for better marks.

We basically handed over part of our inheritance to the next generation. Sold IL’s house and bought a student flat in DC’s name. 3 flatmates’ rents cover the bills and running costs.

DC is now a one-person family unit for tax purposes. However, with no income there aren’t many benefits. Some government grants for house renovations and buying eco appliances. Probably in the UK there would be a full maintenance allowance.

DC lives on €100 a week from us, plus an occasional side earner doing translations. The course is hard and we’ve ruled out getting a part time job. Better to keep up with exams than going down the extended time/repeated exam route. Birthday and Christmas are always money and DC is invited on our holidays. Clothes are bought together when they visit or as needed.
DC got driving lessons but no car as an 18th birthday present. Cars in Italy are insured for any driver so DC can borrow mine.

We’re older parents (I was 30/38 when our DC were born) and are very aware of the fact that we need to set our children up quickly in a well-paid career before we shuffle off. DC2 will get similar treatment, living in the same student house. Fortunately there’s enough of a gap to finish the first before starting the second!

Doing the maths, with rent paid by flatmates, DC costs us about €6000 a year. And at the end of both DC’s university there will be a house to sell.

My phone is £10 per month and I have plenty of data/minutes left at the end of it.
Everything else can be done on their own with help from you if and when you can. My parents paid for my driving lessons as my 17th bday present but everything else I have funded myself.

ufucoffee Both our DDs have had Saturday jobs from when they were 14. DD isn't working during term time, but she will be working for DH's company this Summer to mitigate some of the money she gets.

@Carryonmarion

£500 per month per child

Some of the people on this site crack me up

I know it’s ridiculous. Imagine hearing ‘I’m struggling to think of how I’ll afford xyz for my kids’ and replying ‘oh you numpty! Just save £500 per child per month!’

As if they had that lying about and just could figure out how to use it to help their kids financially.

@DietrichandDiMaggio

as evidenced by all the airy "student loans pay for that" comments on here. Well, they might, but they really might not either.

To be fair, I think most people who have said loans pay for that have been referring to fees. I don't think anyone has suggested all students can get enough maintenance loan to cover all expenses.

I replied to it but I was referencing low income families.

If you are earning more than the amount so your child won’t be able to access the full maintenance then unfortunately they won’t be able to go at 18, possibly they’ll need to either live at home and attend a local uni or work for a few years and save some money to top up their maintenance loans. I didn’t go until mid twenties, I worked in that time - I am lucky to be able to access maintenance loans but obviously I also have outgoings so still need to work.

That’s life. It’s not great but we can’t always afford everything we want. Some parents pay for their kids to go on fantastic travelling gap years. I can’t do that for my kids, so if they want to travel they will either have to look at working abroad opportunities or work here and save up to be able to go because I can’t afford to pay for them to do it.

If you can’t afford to buy your kids a house and a car you simply can not afford it. And it is unlikely to harm them to have to save up and buy the things they want themselves.

If you can’t or won’t top up obviously. I think the example was of someone who earned 65k but had a big mortgage - in that case unfortunately you’ve taken on a big mortgage so you can’t/won’t top your child’s maintenance up.

So they either live at home and go to uni or work and pay for themselves. There’s really no other alternative if you can’t put your hands on the money.

We only had one, we have been saving £100 pm from birth, we are likely to get inheritance money as both sets of grandparents and great grandparents own their own homes and it would be unlikely for all of them to end up needing to spend it on care. However we talk about how privileged DS is. DH and I both grew up working class and not well off, I was entitled to FSM his parents helped him through uni towards rent etc and bought him his first car (£500 banger nothing fancy) he was an only and his dad had done a degree through work by that point and was earning more. I took a gap year worked full time in an admin job plus bar work and saved as much as I could, took student loans and worked part time while studying and full time in the holidays. My parents did buy me a laptop and would do a food shop for me at the start of the academic year and would try and pick me up at the end of term where possible (275 miles away). You don't have to financially spoon fed a child to support them. I had a much better relationship with my parents when younger than DH did

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

...we are likely to get inheritance money as both sets of grandparents and great grandparents own their own homes and it would be unlikely for all of them to end up needing to spend it on care.

I thought that, but discovered fate has a funny way of proving you wrong.

It may still happen, but I'm now preparing for the likelihood that it won't. The cost of care is astronomical...

• mobile phone contracts

Buy refurbished iPhones and £10pm pay

• cars

Driving lessons are a 17th birthday present. DH told our DC he will buy them their first car if they have saved a years insurance.

• University fees

Covered by a student loan

• uni accommodation

DS1's accommodation was very cheap, so affordable, DD might not be able to attend her preferred university's simply because of the cost of accommodation at some. We are seriously looking at universities close to home so she can commute and keep her weekend job.

• maybe even house deposits

That is never going to happen. My DC are aware if they want to get on the housing ladder they need to save for a deposit.

None of my DC have done very expensive sports, but all have had extra tuition for GCSES and music lessons. Tuition at £30ph for a couple of subjects for a couple of DC really adds up.

Oh and food. Teens and their friends eat vasts amounts of food.

I am scared at this ngl. We have 3 children and live to the edge of our means.

We don't save anything for them, and in fact only save about £100 a month generally.

Because of incomes we won't be eligible for a decent uni maintenance loan for the kids when they're older. The kids are only 11, 9 and 5 at the moment so things may change of course. They may end up going to college or doing an apprenticeship anyway.

But cars, phones, helping out with house deposits etc 😱 nope, on your own kiddos... I will expect them all to work in some capacity when they're older.

Me and husband are from very working class backgrounds with strong family values and work ethics.

Maybe I should start to think about the future more? 🤣 we're quite happy and comfortable living in the now, and can afford to do that.

@NewYearNewMinty very true, luckily with the saving we are doing for him and ourselves and our incomes we can afford to raise him and support through uni, phones, driving lessons etc, if there is any inheritance he can use it for a house deposit, if not he'll have to do what we did, work two jobs each and save like hell!