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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate villages?

225 replies

AllThePogs · 11/01/2022 17:35

The gossiping, nosiness, judgement of others - it is all there. And if you don't fit in, then beware.
I say this from experience. A beautiful looking village in East Sussex that some people will see as the dream. Instead, all I experienced was extreme gossip, racism and narrow-mindedness.

OP posts:
PotatoGoblins · 12/01/2022 11:50

I love the area I live in…but totally agree with you re: gossip and the rumour mill Confused
My marriage ended last year, and suddenly my comings and going’s were the talk of the village Hmm I heard the most ridiculous rumours about myself that bore absolutely no weight whatsoever. And it’s definitely that part of village life that can fuck all the way off

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 11:52

@Dottybackorcid claiming that I heard racism is reverse racism? Righto. I suspect you would be one of those going - I am not racist but...

OP posts:
pantaloonie · 12/01/2022 11:52

@Amara5

I think it's a bit odd to expect rural places to be ethnically diverse. As a pp said, you wouldn't go to rural Nepal and expect diversity, but you might expect diversity in Kathmandu. I'm sure there is white flight and insularity in some places, but I don't think it would be a positive thing if the traditional culture of villages was broken up.

I am a townie now, but I used to live in a village that was culturally and ethnically homogenous. I was an outsider and there were a few other outsiders (either ethnically or culturally). There was no hostility towards us and everyone was perfectly nice, but I wouldn't have wanted it to be more diverse as it would then lose the traditional culture/community it has had for hundreds of years.

I think a lot of posters don't understand the rural life has been basically destroyed in the last century. Villages are not just mini cities and the scraps of culture that remain need to be protected. This is no excuse for xenophobia etc, but people moving to these places should respect them for what they are.

Spot on. 👆

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 11:53

@PotatoGoblins I am sorry to hear that it is shit. My sister became aware of so many ridiculous rumours about her divorce. It is awful.

OP posts:
Dottybackorcid · 12/01/2022 11:56

[quote AllThePogs]@Dottybackorcid claiming that I heard racism is reverse racism? Righto. I suspect you would be one of those going - I am not racist but...[/quote]
Suspect all you want I don't really care Biscuit
I'm not the one applying labels to whole communitys of people.

Westerman · 12/01/2022 11:59

We moved to a hamlet last year, its so small I can't even call it a village. We've been made so welcome and its a very sociable place. Not everywhere is the same.

oldwhyno · 12/01/2022 12:01

It's a local shop for local people.

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 12:04

@Dottybackorcid yes because recognising racism and challenging it, is always worse than actual racism.

OP posts:
SD25 · 12/01/2022 12:05

This is why I love the anonymity of the city.

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 12:08

And that is the kind of attitude I came across a lot.
"Oh no one is racist here." Righto I have just told you about racism so you are saying I am a liar?
"Well racism is just as common in nearest ethnically diverse City as here." No it is not, and lets face it you would have no idea if that was true or not.

I read a pretty horrific thread once of someone on MN living in a beautiful Cornish village where both her and her DC were socially ostracised, but she could not move because of a court order around her divorce and where her kids had to live.

OP posts:
PurpleRainlnTheSky · 12/01/2022 12:25

@AllThePogs Know when to stop eh?

TheToddlerLife · 12/01/2022 12:26

I kind of know what you mean OP, but there are many different types of villages that all have their own vibe. My MIL's village is a bit like what you describe and I couldn't live in a place like that.

The village we live in is great. It still retains some of its traditional character but isn't too insular because there are lots of incomers and new builds. There are people coming and going, very few have lived here all their life without moving away for at least a few years. Many of the residents are from different counties or different parts of the UK.
There are 2 small/medium sized cities within a 20 min drive, so although there aren't many facilities locally, there's plenty in the cities. It's really more of a commuter neighbourhood these days, but with the benefits of country scenery and fresher air. I live on the outskirts of the village so I only have 2 neighbours, no overlooking and views of the open countryside. If there's gossip or clique-ness I'm unaware of it as I work in the nearby city, socialise there and my DD goes to nursery there. It might change once she goes to the village school but as I'll be working full time I won't have much time to sit around gossiping.

I was actually born in a big city and the "anonymity" thing isn't necessarily true. Yes, you're anonymous if you go to the city centre, or if you're an incomer living in the "hip" areas with a transient population. If you were born in a working class, settled neighbourhood, it's completely different. People knew each other, there was a nice sense of community but also plenty of gossip and cliques. Not unlike some villages. I still follow the local Facebook page for that neighbourhood, just for the drama. It's a constant stream of pettiness - moans about parking, dogs off leads, dog poo, so and so's DIY work being noisy, people who didn't like each other as kids still squabbling now that they're adults. I feel far more anonymous in my village now than when I lived in that city neighbourhood.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2022 12:50

@AllThePogs

Most cities are diverse, most villages are not.
Cities can be diverse and still everyone stays with their own 'kind'. Be it race/colour/age/demographic

I find in my village there is far more of a 'mix'

Runningupthecurtains · 12/01/2022 13:04

When we lived in London the BNP used to leaflet outside the local station. There are racists and arsehole in cities too. But I don't assume that everyone in every city is racist and/or an arsehole. I'm sure there is racism by some people in some villages but that doesn't mean everyone in every village is.

Sammysquiz · 12/01/2022 13:04

What exactly is the point of this thread? I live in a great village and love it, but I would never be so rude to insinuate that it’s terrible to live in a city, knowing that large numbers of you do exactly that. Villages are all different. Cities are all different. People like different things. Someone in a post above said that a village is no place to raise a child - can’t you see how that sounds to the millions of us who are doing exactly that?

SE123 · 12/01/2022 13:26

There's no right or wrong answer. I've lived in villages, towns and cities. I'm pretty anonymous in all three.

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 13:37

@Sammysquiz have you missed the regular posts saying how awful London is?
I don't understand why someone would take a strangers views so seriously. Why if you are happy where you live would my opinions affect you?

OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 12/01/2022 13:41

@AllThePogs

I think you have to be the type that will fit into that village. So if it is largely a middle-class white village and you are middle-class and white, you will probably be fine.
I am not white and by origins not middle class. Yet I fit in with my village, It just depends on your commitment to living in a more connected community. Not everyone is going to like this but we find it a great place to live.
Sammysquiz · 12/01/2022 13:48

I don't understand why someone would take a strangers views so seriously. Why if you are happy where you live would my opinions affect you?

I don’t think anybody likes having their way of life bashed do they? Doesn’t particularly affect me, I’m not crying into my tea here, I just felt some of the comments on here were pretty shitty for no good reason. I haven’t read the threads you mention about London, but I’m sure the people living there feel similar when they read negative things about their home environment.

I am happy with where I live, but that doesn’t make me feel that it’s the better way to live or to bring up kids, or that it gives me the right to judge people who have made different choices.

Original poster
AllThePogs · 12/01/2022 13:49

Okay I am surprised that anyone cares. But maybe as I am poor I am used to strangers judging me and looking down on my way of life?

OP posts:
jenesuisplus · 12/01/2022 13:57

Hmm. Wonder if it's the village I grew up in? If you sneezed at one end of the village residents knew about it the other end before you could have walked there. We were never considered part of the village despite my dad and nan having lived there all their lives because shock my mum and grandad weren't local

Pesimistic · 12/01/2022 14:02

I've just moved feom a village to a town and it's quiet, neighbours cause no issues, school run is a bit manic but it's so much more relaxed here, in the village, neighbours causing endless trouble with parking or noseiness, school mums realy clicky, traveling 30 mins to get ahopping ect, it's far far nicer in our new area yanbu

PattyPan · 12/01/2022 14:14

I never even considered the culture but I periodically look at houses for sale in local villages and then remember that living in a village sounds like a massive pain in the arse. Being near shops, dr, transport, schools etc makes a much bigger difference to everyday life than being near nice walks.

mustlovegin · 12/01/2022 15:12

OP, those who live in the village are absolutely entitled to protect their culture, traditions and way of life. They don't have to change because you have suddenly decided to go and live there.

You don't have the right to force yourself upon others.

Who has convinced you they owe you something?

Subulter · 12/01/2022 15:30

@mustlovegin

OP, those who live in the village are absolutely entitled to protect their culture, traditions and way of life. They don't have to change because you have suddenly decided to go and live there.

You don't have the right to force yourself upon others.

Who has convinced you they owe you something?

Well, I thought I was perfectly reasonable not to expect ethnic slurs when I moved to a village, and I’m not sure what it is the villagers may have been ‘protecting’ from me — the right to make ethnic slurs unchallenged at bowls night at the pub? Not to have resident foreigners’ children in the village school? Not to have the Guardian stocked in the post office?