Page 21 | Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

Mikeythecat · 2022-01-11T16:48:32+00:00

I don't know what the heck is going on here. I don't live with my BF. This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night". So I sent: "?" in reply. These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim. An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK). My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?" I've had no response. What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer. I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

caringcarer · 13/01/2022 16:09

My sister had her What's App account hacked and a random started up a conversation with me posing as her. I knew it was fake as this person said that they had be been up for early morning walk. My sister would never do that. We all had to change our passwords. Could someone have hacked either his phone or his PoF account.

caringcarer · 13/01/2022 16:13

Just go around and see him. Sounds like a hacker to me.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/01/2022 16:16

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Oh, that's convenient about your vehicle, isn't it?

And if they do come in threes, locking your doors, windows and maybe sticking a camera up might be a plan.

One of my exes 'had a dream' that I'd been broken into. I hadn't mentioned that somebody had clearly had a go at the back door the week before. Mainly because that somebody hadn't realised I'd seen him fall flat on his face as I was in the upstairs bathroom at the time.

HermioneGrangersHair · 13/01/2022 17:43

@FireworkParrot

Ok so say he's telling the truth, you take him at his word. He's felt rejected and instead of talking to you like an adult instead he's:

Signed up to a dating website
Passive aggressively sent you his username as a threat
Ignored your pleas for answers when you've said you're upset and confused
Is now trying to brush everything under the carpet and is hoping you'll forget about points 1-3.

And that's the best case scenario, the other scenario is that he has messaged other women and to be honest is a much more plausible explanation for the POF username you received.

Ditch this idiot. Seriously, you don't need this hassle in your life.

I agree with this. His explanation doesn’t stand up - more likely he was signed up to POF and the other sites. You found out and it’s YOUR fault. What a prize he is ! Not.

And for the PPs feeling sorry for him and being sympathetic that you ‘don’t prioritise him’ - I just don’t get it. He’s not the boss of you and you are not there to serve him. You have a job a life a family and a project - any normal person will fit into that life and sometimes be top of the list and sometimes not - that’s how life works. My DH is in the other room and will cheerfully tell you I’m not prioritising him today - I’m too busy with other stuff (on Mumsnet !)
FWIW you should not prioritise him over your kids, job, parents or project anyway!

I hope you realise you are the strong one here and you are the one with the ideas and skills to put YOU first. Good luck op - just get rid and move on .

WonderfulYou · 13/01/2022 18:19

I think I'm going to have to see him face to face and finish it.

Just stop engaging with him.
Tell him it’s over by text and don’t text him again.

He logged into the POF account and sent it to you to what? Make you panic, make you jealous, threaten you into submission? - whatever his reasons they are sick and twisted and definitely not normal!

Sprucewillis · 13/01/2022 18:22

Unless you have a great deal of valuable stuff at his you really don't have to engage with him again OP.

SunshineCake1 · 13/01/2022 18:43

@Mikeythecat

I think I'm going to have to see him face to face and finish it. Or at least take a break. I just need to woman up and get it done.

Finish by text. Don't see him. Make your decision and dump him.

SwissCheeseRentedChildren · 13/01/2022 19:11

Absolutely no need to see him ever again.

theNumbersStation · 13/01/2022 19:41

Flower. He decided to turn your world upside down by text for shits and giggles.

Why isn’t a text an appropriate medium for saying do one?

Ordinarily I’d be going for a phone call or face to face (if I knew I wasn’t going to have my face rearranged again) but he hasn’t thought of your feelings at all.

Even if this latest pile of mince is true (I’ll eat my liver with some baked beans and a cheap Prosecco if so) - he has still not given you the respect you deserved.

I have to say I wouldn’t even bother with a text after all this. I couldn’t be doing with the brain scramblies.

I’d just be off.

VelvetChairGirl · 13/01/2022 20:18

People with depression, turn cold and illogical and make no sense then claim woe is me, they flip between sorry and defensive attacking, they can be silent for ages and cryptic.

theres forums full of people trying to get their heads around their behaviour such as out of the fog.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/01/2022 21:34

I think it's really telling that women often blame themselves in this sort of situation. It's not you, it's him. You have suggested if you were thinner... Let me tell you about that. My 'D'H used to say my weight was a problem. So I blamed myself. He also signed up for online dating. Not because he 'was sad', but because his/our DD and I would not go owl watching with him one night. Big threads about it on MN at the time, on a previous username. It's any excuse, ridiculous or not. Please don't think this is your fault. And FYI, the women XH 'ran off' with was heavier than me. So apparently my weight wasn't the issue after all. I suspect that, like your situation, the problem was that he was just an arsehole. Very upsetting at the time. Life is much better now, without him, but the new wife looks miserable, and strangely XH isn't any happier than he used to be with me. Oh dear.
Please have faith that this isn't you

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 22:07

OP @Mikeythecat You've already been told that you can create a new email address (try Google mail) just to sign up to POF and check if he's still there. So you can know, if you really wanted to.

Unfortunately you don't have much of a chance of meeting someone if you still live with your parents in your 40s. You really need to move out and get a home of your own, and it will be better for your kids too.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/01/2022 22:10

@Migrainesbythedozen I think the parents live with OP rather than the other way round. That was the way I read it. I agree that probably makes it more difficult to 'date' though.

RampantIvy · 13/01/2022 22:14

Yes, she is a carer for her parents.

Bloomers58 · 13/01/2022 22:17

@Migrainesbythedozen what rubbish. If she wanted to, she has every chance of meeting someone else. Have you read through her posts and learned what an amazing, caring, smart, and down to earth person she seems to be. I think it sounds as though someone a bit more decent than her current manchild would be very lucky to have her.

KurtWilde · 13/01/2022 22:21

Unfortunately you don't have much of a chance of meeting someone if you still live with your parents in your 40s. You really need to move out and get a home of your own, and it will be better for your kids too.

Have you even bothered to read OPs posts properly? Christ on a bike.

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 13/01/2022 22:23

Nil points for reading comprehension, Migraines.

Not a good look when you’re also being really rude.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 22:26

I stand by my comments. Unless her parents are incapacitated, and it doesn't sound like they are, there is no reason for them to be there. Having read all her posts, it doesn't sound like they are incapacitated. It is an enormous imposition on not just a woman in her 40s who should be leading her own life, but teenage children. It's not fair to them. But, that's just my opinion and I recognise that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2022 22:26

@Migrainesbythedozen

OP *@Mikeythecat* You've already been told that you can create a new email address (try Google mail) just to sign up to POF and check if he's still there. So you can know, if you really wanted to.

Unfortunately you don't have much of a chance of meeting someone if you still live with your parents in your 40s. You really need to move out and get a home of your own, and it will be better for your kids too.

What a spiteful post. Feel better after that second paragraph do you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2022 22:28

@Migrainesbythedozen

I stand by my comments. Unless her parents are incapacitated, and it doesn't sound like they are, there is no reason for them to be there. Having read all her posts, it doesn't sound like they are incapacitated. It is an enormous imposition on not just a woman in her 40s who should be leading her own life, but teenage children. It's not fair to them. But, that's just my opinion and I recognise that.

He has never wanted to live with us. I live with my kids and my elderly parents live with us. I work from home (even pre-covid) and I care for everyone here.

Doesn't the last sentence of that paragraph from OP pretty clearly state she cares for her parents? I mean it literally says it. You don't need to know specific conditions or if they're incapacitated enough to meet some arbitrary threshold that would satisfy you. She's been clear.

Bloomers58 · 13/01/2022 22:33

@Migrainesbythedozen. Your comment is really a massive assumption based on how you believe people should live their lives. All over the world families of multiple generations live together. It is very, very normal. I would certainly consider dating someone who cared for their parents. One of my very very good friends married a man who lived with and cared for his not incapacitated mum. He cared for her because he wanted to and he was a bloody kind person. She could have done far worse than a kind man like that and any man could do far far worse than a kind and wonderful lady like OP. I hope the example she has set for her children means that they will care for her in her later years too. It is a lovely thing to do if you want to.

KO81 · 13/01/2022 22:35

@Migrainesbythedozen

OP *@Mikeythecat* You've already been told that you can create a new email address (try Google mail) just to sign up to POF and check if he's still there. So you can know, if you really wanted to.

Unfortunately you don't have much of a chance of meeting someone if you still live with your parents in your 40s. You really need to move out and get a home of your own, and it will be better for your kids too.

What is the matter with you?

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 13/01/2022 22:37

“I stand by my comments based on some imaginary home truths I pulled out of my own arse”

KurtWilde · 13/01/2022 22:38

@Migrainesbythedozen

I stand by my comments. Unless her parents are incapacitated, and it doesn't sound like they are, there is no reason for them to be there. Having read all her posts, it doesn't sound like they are incapacitated. It is an enormous imposition on not just a woman in her 40s who should be leading her own life, but teenage children. It's not fair to them. But, that's just my opinion and I recognise that.

Stand by them all you like, she's completely entitled to have her parents live with her even if they're completely fit and well!

Original poster

Mikeythecat · 13/01/2022 22:42

@Migrainesbythedozen Hi, yeah, thanks for that. :-) It is my house. I own it. In fact, I own more than one. They live with me because they're elderly and I want them where I can keep an eye on them and know that they're safe. It's multigenerational living and it works for me, my parents, and my kids. Six bedrooms, four stories. I'm not a layabout. I'm a fat workaholic. ;-) I've also got a shit-hot face. But the biggest bum in Europe (and not in a Kardashian way. In a side-of-a-bus way). So, I reckon I could meet someone. But I live in the middle of nowhere and work from home. So, there aren't that many people to meet. Or they're all married.

I did sign onto POF yesterday. I tried to find him on it. I couldn't. It took a long time and was quite faffy. So, I don't think it's something you do on a whim. It took a bit of time with a lot of boxes that needed filling. So, I'm not so sure he did it on a whim. There must have been some kind of intent there.

I don't think he was the one who broke into my car. I can't imagine that at all. He knows I've got two dogs. Two dogs that bark and bark and bark anytime anyone comes anywhere near the house, but decided to have a night off the one time I needed them. It's a good job they're cute. Useless little sods. He didn't come and rescue me anyway. I sorted it out myself.

I've replied to one text today. I was quite detached. He was all full of apologies and saying how he's been thinking about me all day and he hopes I can see how beautiful I am and all that shite. I'm just too upset to talk to him and I don't want to lose it in front of him and cry.

I still feel very much on edge and angsty. I think I'm still in shock. It's late now and I'm still working. I could really do with a lie-in at some point. Or a nice little weekend away on my own with a book.

For those that asked, I'm open to seeing any cat photos! And I'll send a cat to anyone with a good set-up and a kind heart! They'd need passports to get to the UK, but if you want a cat, I've got them coming out of a*$e at the moment. :-)

Thank you for checking in on me. Again, you're a good lot and I really appreciate it. You've got skills. You know a lot about psychology and relationships and it's been interesting to talk with you all. I feel like you've empowered me. :-)

I do know he has bad depression. I know he went into hospital for a few months when he was younger. In his twenties. And in his teens. Maybe it's cyclical or something. Or he needs to see a doctor again. But that's up to him. I tried to encourage him to see someone a few years ago when he nearly lost his job (because he wasn't showing up and wasn't coming out of his car after the lunch hour). I don't think he takes meds. He was prescribed some, but I've seen them in his bathroom and they look old and never seem to go down. I don't know what I can do about that. He would just agree with everything I said and then do his own thing anyway. I remember doing a lot of research into it (well, reading websites) at some point and buying vitamins and minerals and turmeric and all sorts of stuff to see if that would help him. It makes me sad to think I can't help him on that front. And a little guilty. But it's something he has to do for himself. I can't police the person I'm with. It was like that with my first partner and his drinking. I was a watchdog. It couldn't be done.

Right! There's another essay from me! :-)

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