Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

[Mikeythecat]

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

I think you're right. He was texting you and someone else at the same time and has messed up. It's taken him this long to get a shakey excuse that you're not thinking is a straight out lie. He's throwing in mental health to stop you persisting in getting a proper answer. I wouldn't trust him as he has been lying and, to me, is continuing to lie. I don't tolerate liars.

@arcof

I think he was just (I say just) poking for a reaction. Like a really passive aggressive way of saying, you don't give me enough attention so I'm dumping you and going back online - instead he just sent you a list of his usual messages and a POF username.

I don't think the Google searches mean anything.

Anyway hope you sort it one way or another.

I agree with this. Honestly, I don’t think he was messaging anyone else or that this was an accidental message meant for another woman. I think this is all a really pathetic attempt to make you think that he’s messaging other people/created a new POF account, purely so you get jealous, feel guilty and give him more attention.

My 2 cents is I think you’ll be a lot happier in the long run without this man child. He didn’t like that you thought your spaghetti was cold and you lost his tablet so he punishes you by going on POF and whining like a toddler for days on end? Because you’re an independent adult who didn’t pander to his shit? Is this really the best you think you can do?

Oh, big sulky man baby was sad, so he tortures you like this!

There is a much better life, right at your fingertips, that does not include this man and will open up space for peace and happiness.

Oh @Mikeythecat your story shares so many parallels with mine. The blaming you and how you are for their odd behaviour. You questioning yourself. Wondering if you've been enough. The confusion.

If someone has a problem, they should communicate it with you kindly. Not like this. What this is, is a version of emotional abuse. He may be very insecure, he may not know he is doing it, he may even be half decent BUT, this behaviour doesn't stop and it is abusive.

My ex had me questioning my body language, my behaviour, the way I smiled, the way I behaved around him. Most of the time he had seemed fine in the moment but always attacked the way I was to justify his poor treatment of me. It was.awful, I hated myself for a while. I'd make lists of how I could be better to prevent him treating me badly again!!!

It's a slippery slope and if you forgive this, he will know your strength and take you down further and further. Please grab yourself tightly by the shoulders and divert yourself towards better things. That lift you up and never have you questioning who you are and what you are worth. That's what a good relationship should be like.

Now that I'm single I can see it for what it was. I WAS enough. I was the way I was because I am a human (grumpy at times, quiet when tired etc) and none of it made me deserve to be treated badly.

You'll never be good enough for him and that is because there is something wrong with him. Not you.

Thinking of you and want you to know that I adore your involvement in the Cat Sanctuary 😻!

@Mikeythecat good luck with your interview today! Enjoy every minute of being fabulous!

He's a manipulative arse. If in a moment of madness you logged onto a dating sita and then immediately regretted it, having done nothing apart from accidentally alerting your partner to what you'd done, you'd be doing everything in your power to explain yourself and apologise. You wouldn't completely ignore them for a day or two and allow their imagination and emotions to run wild. That's the actions of someone who's deliberately stepped out of line but doesn't want to face the consequences.

Dump him and move on. He's banking on you being too weak to do it.

I think even if he wasn’t actually on POF, the fact he’s playing mind games with you about it is enough to end the relationship.

From what you’ve described it sounds like you possibly contribute more to the relationship than him and that he’s taking advantage of that. His behaviour seems a bit coercive.

He's either a cheater or a manipulative abuser. I think he's both.

His own admission -is that because he felt sad and lonely so he signed up to dating site (despite being in 7 year LTR) , "didn't go though with it" and sent you cryptic messages about it to tell you - Planning to Cheat rather than talk - immature

He refused to answer straight messages asking him what was going on. So he didn't "try to tell you" - Liar . Emotionally abusive

He deliberately confused you all day enjoying your stress and anxiety- Cruel.

He tells you it's all your fault as you made him do it - gaslighting- Emotionally abusive

He did this over last couple days he knew you had a deadline for an important project - as he asked about "did you meet your deadline?" - to steal your attention for himself - Selfish bratty behaviour

He doesn't let you heat up cold spaghetti- (what kind of monster is he?! ). Who sulks when the partner wants their food warmer? That's so frigging controlling

He criticises you , calls you 'cold' for giving priority and stability to your DCs , caring for your parents and working hard at your job. You don't have to live with him. You were clear from start. That isn't being cold - that's having boundaries that are different to him as you have other responsibilities - controlling behaviour

If hurting you isn't enough, think about impact on your DCs. Who will learn it's ok to put up with being controlled OR model his behaviour . As well as see mum anxious and distressed

OP

I hope you put down your phone this morning Forget about the bf (or MN) and focus on getting ready! Lots of cheery 🎶 music whilst you put on make up . Hope you enjoy your interview! After all that work this is your time to shine and promote your animal charity shop!

Good luck for today!

Do you need this drama in your life ?
If the answer is no, end it.

This is a lot of drama from someone you have been extremely considerate e and caring of. Seven years is a long time to be with someone however there has be no commitment and honestly I would walk away. It seems like you are walking in eggshells and there is so much narrative and expectation setting from him with all of the narrative about his mental health. What about you OP? He's threatened you with POF - he's not a keeper.

I'm glad you're on here as writing it down means you can see things clearly. Plus it's there to remind you.

I've been with someone before who messed with my head. Or tried to. But after so long it's shocking this is happening to you.

@FireworkParrot

Ok so say he's telling the truth, you take him at his word. He's felt rejected and instead of talking to you like an adult instead he's:

1. Signed up to a dating website
2. Passive aggressively sent you his username as a threat
3. Ignored your pleas for answers when you've said you're upset and confused
4. Is now trying to brush everything under the carpet and is hoping you'll forget about points 1-3.

And that's the best case scenario, the other scenario is that he has messaged other women and to be honest is a much more plausible explanation for the POF username you received.

Ditch this idiot. Seriously, you don't need this hassle in your life.

/this is it. Even if the drivel he's constructed is the truth, it's not good.

You had sex with him on Sunday and between Sunday and Tuesday (?) he felt neglected, knowing you had a busy deadline, and he instantly joined a website before telling you it was over.............

His ''truth'' is not something that exonerates him!

I agree that it's just far more likely that he was messaging other women. I would assume that.

Good lukc today!

Why you would even consider staying with this absolute loser is beyond me

I don't think he has been chatting to women on PoF, but has done it in a childish strop to get you to give him more attention. Whatever his reasons however, the relationship is clearly making you both unhappy and should end. Yes, he should be more mature at being able to communicate, and has picked a cruel way to get his point heard, but then you too jumped to the worst possible conclusion immediately and decided to break up before even speaking to him in person. So all in all, you both have none of the love, care and consideration a relationship of 7 years should have. It seems very transactional, an arrangement of convenience and obviously he isn't happy with it anymore and you can't offer him any more atm.

Ignore the Google searches. Those adult sites come up with most people's usernames, including mine. They're spam that scrape other websites and have dodgy titles to lure the searches in - 'how to find women' etc.

I do think this relationship is very lacking in any emotional intimacy. You seem to replace emotional closeness/building a life together with lots of kind actions. Lots of doing of things. However, nothing deep or meaningful can grow from this and it can be very lonely for the other person still. Buying thing, doing things, don't make up for feeling like you're not a priority, or feeling like you connect with each other. It seems very transactional. I can understand why he doesn't want to live with you if you have your parents and children already. It's a pity he couldn't better articulate all this but then he wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement if he was completely emotionally healthy and not so avoidant himself.

So after you end things with him, you do need to be single. Because (a) you have no time for a relationship and it's not fair to the other person (b) you need to not stay in relationships just to get validation.

There's nothing wrong with being alone until such point you can commit time and priority to it. I think you need adult companionship more than a relationship so maybe a friends with benefits type arrangement is best. You have some really exciting things on anyway so throw yourself into that, carve out some time for yourself and eventually you'll be able to figure out what you really want from life and love.

Also stop clicking on those google searches! They work by making people m think the username is doing something dodgy, you click on the link, it takes you to an adult website which is a virus payload. They scrape dating apps for usernames for this reason.

@arcof

I think he was just (I say just) poking for a reaction. Like a really passive aggressive way of saying, you don't give me enough attention so I'm dumping you and going back online - instead he just sent you a list of his usual messages and a POF username.

I don't think the Google searches mean anything.

Anyway hope you sort it one way or another.

I agree with this too.

@arcof

I think he was just (I say just) poking for a reaction. Like a really passive aggressive way of saying, you don't give me enough attention so I'm dumping you and going back online - instead he just sent you a list of his usual messages and a POF username.

I don't think the Google searches mean anything.

Anyway hope you sort it one way or another.

This! He’s thrown a wobbly in the most attention seeking way he could. Like when one of our cats sits in the stairs to stairblock, or runs into our legs when we’re carrying food!

Bit twatty.

Sad now many people have the bar set so low that they cannot see how this man's behaviour is emotional abuse. Pity them. But kudos to you because you have spotted it immediately in this instance. I agree with others that the timing is very much not a coincidence. He wants to bring you down a peg or two. Decent people who love people do not do this. Lots of luck with your amazing animal venture!

This reminds me of that ‘narcissists prayer’ thing that has done the rounds in recent months (caveat, not saying he is a narcissist, it actually bugs me when people chuck that out at the slightest hint of poor behaviour, more saying this is a good way to describe emotional manipulation when excusing bad behaviour).

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

He seems to have run the whole gamut in the last couple of days.

Hello! I’m new to this site and also from the States, but I have some experience with this type of situation.

First of all, what he’s doing is multiple forms of manipulation. Putting the blame on you (he’s “lonely”), isolation (ignoring your messages and leaving you in the dark), love-bombing (being lovey-dovey)… these are ALL red flags!

My now ex is an actual narcissist. I’m not saying your boyfriend is, but he’s displaying very clear narcissistic traits. Mind you, it takes quite a few traits for a diagnosis, and only someone licensed can do so. However someone acting like a narc is still someone to avoid, even if they’re not completely one.

He can’t prove he didn’t cheat or anything, but he certainly tried to cheat. He doesn’t value the relationship enough to try talking to you first and explaining that he’s thinking of finding someone else.

Is this all speculative? Yes, of course. I’m not there.

Have I seen this episode on repeat? Absolutely.

Please do the right thing for your family and yourself, and dump his sorry ass. Your mental health should be more important to you than his, and clearly he doesn’t care about yours anyway. Let him be lonely. You can find someone else.

Also you’d be amazed how many men exist out there that don’t care about weight. Do you guys have Tinder (dating app) or something similar? POF is trash. Don’t bother with it. Lol

You deserve better. He deserves less. You’ve put too much energy into this already. I promise you’ll be happier without him… and maybe with someone else in the future!

@LeifSan

This reminds me of that ‘narcissists prayer’ thing that has done the rounds in recent months (caveat, not saying he is a narcissist, it actually bugs me when people chuck that out at the slightest hint of poor behaviour, more saying this is a good way to describe emotional manipulation when excusing bad behaviour).

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

He seems to have run the whole gamut in the last couple of days.

I posted a text wall, but exactly. Nobody can say he is a narc as people can display one or more traits without being a diagnosed narcissist. However his behavior is what’s narcissistic.

One can be narcissistic without being a narcissist.

I hope that makes sense 😅