Weird message sent from boyfriend's phone

[Mikeythecat]

I don't know what the heck is going on here.

I don't live with my BF.

This morning I got a message saying: "Good morning, good luck, have fun, night night".

So I sent: "?" in reply.

These are all things he would probably text me throughout the day. I thought at first that he was being grumpy with me. I've not had a lot of time recently and this tends to be the pattern of his messages. We say morning, I say how busy I am, he says good luck, we have a chat in the evening, he says have fun (if watching a TV series or going somewhere with DD) and then we say night. I tend to only see him at the weekends. So, I thought he was being a bit sarcastic (as in sending the day's messages all in one go and maybe being a bit grumpy - as in - "this is all we ever say to each other" iyswim.

An hour later, I get this message: "POF Username39". The username was his email name. The 39 is the area we live (not in UK).

My next message was: "What are you trying to say? Are you on POF?"

I've had no response.

What the hell is going on? I know you don't have the answers, but I could do with a bit of support. I think he's about to tell me he's cheating or dumping me, or maybe the woman he's with got hold of his phone and it was her way of telling me. I tried to ring him, but he didn't answer.

I have a load of work to do tonight. I missed a deadline today because of this. I've been so upset.

Does anyone else follow that THINK guidance for posting on MN? You ask yourself ‘is it true? is it kind? Is it necessary?’ Etc before posting. I am really trying to do that.

1. It's 3 dates in (so both are still on best behaviour) - this is his best behaviour.
2. It's all about him (I this, I that, I want, I like, I'm spiritual, IIII
3. It's already dull beyond the point of reasoning
4. Imagine if you start talking about politics, gender identity or heaven forbid equality with this one
5. Why are you soooo invested?

I am not posting to upset OP but I do find it alarming that you would tolerate this behaviour given you have already had what you describe as an abusive relationship. I do wonder if this makes you think this isn't as bad as....

It really is transparent manipulation and I'm just sorry that you are prepared to tolerate it. I think, as many do on here, that you deserve better

Apologies wrong thread

Oh OP - you sound intelligent, funny and lovely. You deserve better than this man. Whatever he has or hasn't actually done on POF or wherever, he is not treating you right. Only an utter, utter arsehole deals with feeling sad or with wanting to address some relationship issues by signing up to a hook-up site and sending proof of it to his partner .

Hi everyone!

So my car was broken into in the night and my purse stolen. I'd left it on the passenger seat because I live in the middle of nowhere (and I'm too trusting and clearly not very sensible at all).

The window is smashed. I've been pissing around all morning canceling cards and on phone with insurance etc.

These things come in threes... :-/ I wonder what's going to happen next!

I did have time to put my make-up on and see the journalist though. All good on that front. Things coming along nicely and we've got lots of people helping.

Just read through your comments with a much-needed coffee. I also now believe that he did it to teach me a lesson. He WILL have the proof. Otherwise, he wouldn't be so eager to tell me that. I don't think he'd have had the chance to get to the swapping numbers stage with someone. Unless it was a one-night stand situation. I'll never know if he's deleted his profile anyway.

Anyway, he has chosen to torture me over the last couple of days and that's not fair.

For those of you saying that it isn't a real relationship. I think it was. It was loving. I am a very busy person, but I was 7 years ago. I ran the animal charity shop then. We're just making a bigger and better one now. I had my family with me 7 years ago. I rescued cats 7 years ago. I had my real job (in publishing) 7 years ago. Nothing's changed. I haven't suddenly started ignoring him. I suppose it has always been a problem. The distance. My time. But when we're together, it is very loving. We're very close. We share our lives like a normal couple, I'd say. We talk, we laugh, we watch films, we go out to eat, we fall out, we take the mick out of each other, we spend time with our families. I don't what else there is I'm supposed to be doing.

I can't give him much more than I already do. We have sex every time we see each other (almost). I don't have 2 hours a day to talk on the phone. I can't have him here every evening. The kids have all sorts of activities. I'm always dropping off and picking up and washing clothes, cooking dinner, shopping and... well, you know how it is with kids.

I don't know. I just need time to reflect on all this. I'll read through the thread again. But I'm really not happy about being threatened with POF. It's cruel. It's as bad as going on POF to sleep with someone else. I'm cross with him. So cross. And very sad. I feel like 7 years has been wasted and I didn't see it coming! I thought he really loved me. I thought it was something real.

We live very rurally. It's hard to find people around here. I thought we had a connection on an intellectual level.

He does have bad depression. And I think other MH issues as well. I don't really know enough about it. He talks very quickly and gets a bit "high or exuberant" sometimes.

Anyway, got to go and pick up glass for the car now.

Thank you all for your input! I really appreciate being able to come here and get it all out of my system. I haven't said anything to my friends or family yet. :-( It's his father's birthday on Sunday. We're supposed to going for dinner.

He wrote this morning asking me how I was as if nothing's happened.

Sorry OP but this definitly looks like hes teying to say hes had enough of how busy you are and that he's pointing you in the direction of his POF account yes!.....

I don’t think you should look at it like it’s been a waste. Some negative behaviour doesn’t negate all the good times you shared - however the previous good times you shared shouldn’t be a reason to put up with cruel behaviour now.

If he’s always had MH issues what sort of support does he get for them outside your relationship? Does he self-care? Take medication if appropriate? Do therapy or other kinds of things to help him manage his moods? Good diet and exercise and all that?

How much emotional support have you given him over the years for MH and how much has he supported you? If you look back, has he put in as much as you have to this relationship emotional energy wise?

These are all questions to reflect on which might be helpful while you are deciding what to do.

I think I'm going to have to see him face to face and finish it. Or at least take a break. I just need to woman up and get it done.

What a nightmare, OP!

I know this is a long stretch, but it couldn't have been him could it?
I always remember one boyfriend trying to make it look like someone had entered my house so that he could be my rescuer. He felt I was growing distant and pulled that shit to make himself look good

It hasn't been a waste OP. It was a lovely relationship that has sadly run its course because he is now behaving in unacceptable (gaslighting) ways. You can treasure the happy memories of what was, and let go of what it has become at the same time.

I don’t understand why other posters are saying that you haven’t made him your priority when, until his POF stunt, he was also quite happy with your relationship arrangements and didn’t want to move in together or want anything more (from your first post it seems).

He clearly isn’t making you his priority, I wouldn’t be in a rush to make him yours.

I think you have the measure of it all very well op and maybe he did what he did in a moment of 'tortured soul', but in doing he he completely lost sight of the fact that you are a real person with real feelings, and by threatening your mutual relationship he has broken the trust you had in him to care for and respect you.
If he needed to reach out for help he could have trusted you to want to listen and be there in that way for him, and just talked about whatever turmoil he has going on.
Maybe he isn't finding the part time thing suits him as well at the moment, but who's to say he wouldn't be struggling even if you were co-habiting, people behave badly to their partners whatever their living arrangements. In a adult relationship you communicate and support each other, otherwise its not mutual and there is an imbalance.
He's tossed a grenade in, maybe in a moment of self destruct but this affects things so he'll have to accept that it does and maybe regret it, but what's done is done.
It doesn't mean the last 7 years weren't real, even if it has arrived at a point where he has torn it all down for no doubt complicated reasons. It didn't have to be this way, but it is because he has created this situation.
Don't doubt the memories even though the future is shot to pieces though.

@TheChip

What a nightmare, OP!

I know this is a long stretch, but it couldn't have been him could it?
I always remember one boyfriend trying to make it look like someone had entered my house so that he could be my rescuer. He felt I was growing distant and pulled that shit to make himself look good

This was actually my first thought too. Especially as op said she lived in the middle of nowhere.

He has done it to make you feel insecure and realise you need him. Careful there, op.

@TopCatsTopHat

I think you have the measure of it all very well op and maybe he did what he did in a moment of 'tortured soul', but in doing he he completely lost sight of the fact that you are a real person with real feelings, and by threatening your mutual relationship he has broken the trust you had in him to care for and respect you. If he needed to reach out for help he could have trusted you to want to listen and be there in that way for him, and just talked about whatever turmoil he has going on. Maybe he isn't finding the part time thing suits him as well at the moment, but who's to say he wouldn't be struggling even if you were co-habiting, people behave badly to their partners whatever their living arrangements. In a adult relationship you communicate and support each other, otherwise its not mutual and there is an imbalance. He's tossed a grenade in, maybe in a moment of self destruct but this affects things so he'll have to accept that it does and maybe regret it, but what's done is done. It doesn't mean the last 7 years weren't real, even if it has arrived at a point where he has torn it all down for no doubt complicated reasons. It didn't have to be this way, but it is because he has created this situation. Don't doubt the memories even though the future is shot to pieces though.

This.

Also, be wary about the car break in.

@Mikeythecat
I think you should ignore PPs commenting on how your relationship is or was prior to this. You don't deserve anything he's done.

We each run our relationships as we choose, it's been his choice all along to date a woman with clear boundaries and a family who doesn't want to live with him . You've been upfront all along that you have other responsibilities keeping you busy and still see him 2-3x week. I did the same in my relationships. You don't have to want to live together for it "to be real", that's ridiculous. It was a stable 7 year long term relationship.

His mental health problems do not excuse his abusive behaviour towards you over past couple days, is not your doing nor caused by you. MH, alcohol misuse or any of the myriad of other issues people might use does not cause nor excuse domestic abuse nor cruelly manipulating someone to cause distress . It's a Him problem.

You're being generous to want to end it face to face or take a break. You have every right to end this by text and say you'll talk in person some day in the future (or not) when you feel ready if that is easier for you.

It's more than he did for you- he sent texts causing these issues and ignored your calls. but I get that you are curious and want to hear it from his own mouth & see his face when he admits lying and trying to hurt you.

Fundamentally it seems likely he has dealt death blow to you relationship, your trust and shown himself to be self involved and willing to manipulate hurt and abuse you to get attention. I'm not sure how you'll ever feel same about him after this. You deserve a supportive partner, not a destructive one. Life is far too short.

It's not wasted years, you had love and fun for those years but now no longer want what he brings to your life, because it's no longer positive. There will be someone out there that admires you and will be excited for you and support you!

Just read through all your posts OP and think you sound lovely and sensible and normal and amusing. He does sound like he is on the verge of becoming a bit of an extra burden...maybe time to do the old pros and cons list. I feel very similar to you in the not wanting to live with or be financially tied to my partner and am a similar age to you. And wouldn't say no to Matt Damon. I think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton had the best set up - living next door to each other...mind you, even they split up in the end I think?

And also had the same thought as a PP about the timing of the break-in. I mean, has that sort of thing been happening locally recently or is it a total one off? Bit odd.

Oh, that's convenient about your vehicle, isn't it?

You sound top, OP. You’ll be grand.

He’s exuberant about his proof because he’s just managed to think of a way that he can tie up all his bullshit and give you just enough undamaging ‘truth’ so you think he’s telling the whole truth. He’s full of shit. But you already know that.

P.S. can I have a cat?

I can’t believe you are getting criticism for the part time / no plans to share a house and finances thing.

That sounds to me like the perfect relationship!

His recent behaviour however is far from perfect. Is this the first time he has acted like an awkward whiny baby ? Is it completely out of character?

@Bortles

And also had the same thought as a PP about the timing of the break-in. I mean, has that sort of thing been happening locally recently or is it a total one off? Bit odd.

That was my first thought too.

Definitely call a bluff and say that someone thought they saw him near your place last night, why was he over this way? (You’ll think of an appropriate spot/person).

Just to see if he comes up with some elaborate excuse for being in the vicinity.

I too thought instantly that he might have done it, the only strange bit is the actual purse stealing, would think it would just be light vandalism. Might not be him… just v v coincidental

I think you should split- because of this very poor behaviour to you and potential cheating, but also because what he doesn’t like about the relationship isn’t going to change e.g. not living together. His bitterness will only grow.

My first thought about the car break in was the timing is very suspicious OP, I'd have to agree with PPs that it could very well have been him. Nothing would surprise me anymore, sadly. I don't imagine you'll be able to prove it though.

On the subject of proof......how can he prove that he didn't message anyone on POF? What sort of proof can there be for not contacting anybody? He's also had a lot of time to manufacture some if he needed to.

Sorry to be so cynical OP, but he does come across as an absolute shit. It's not just threatening with you with the POF username, that's bad but people do stupid things sometimes in the heat of the moment. It's the emotionally torturing you afterwards, not answering questions then asking how you are as if nothing is wrong. It's manipulative and calculating.

Please don't go making any allegations that someone saw him around your area last night. You're rightly upset about what appears to be a 'threat' that he'll go back on POF, it was immature and unfair. But please don't stoop to that kind of pettiness yourself.

From reading your update I think - in part - the issue is that (as you say) you're no different now to how you were 7 years ago. Which is great, but it also means the relationship hasn't moved on in the way most do. You're happy with that, he evidently isn't. I think for both your sakes this needs to come to an end, may even have run it's course a while back and resentment started building on his part.

He let you know in a really shitty way, but it has brought everything to a head in a roundabout way. Definitely think after 7 years you should try and see each other face to face for one final chat to end it properly.