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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
Silverswirl · 11/01/2022 16:00

She would be my ex friend.
What a shitty thing to do- get all excited about seeing you at her wedding and then drop that bombshell (without even discussing it with you first)
She cares little if you go or not and for that reason I would be out.

SainteCroissante · 11/01/2022 16:02

I am always surprised at how someone would send out an "invitation" like that to a supposed friend and not immediately follow-up with them to make sure they feel invited while also feeling comfortable to decline, since a) it's a freaking destination wedding half-way around the world, and b) they came up with a rule that makes it a thousand times harder for them to attend even if they wanted to.

And I think expecting someone to set up childcare or leave the child or a DP behind for days is beyond unreasonable. We're not talking an afternoon a few hours drive away... Some people... (shakes head)

3luckystars · 11/01/2022 16:02

Yeah you just can’t go. It’s her choice, not yours. All the best.

piney07 · 11/01/2022 16:03

I would maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and if she is a close friend also be flexible - can you definitely not make use of a resort nanny for instance for the day? I would mention to her about this and say you do need to bring the baby on the holiday and has she had any thoughts about this as you’d ideally like to attend but not sure what to do. You might be able to work together to come up with a solution. I think that’s better than a straight decline as I would be a bit hurt as the bride if I had assumed there were easy child care options at the destination but my friend was being really inflexible for one day? I had a child friendly wedding myself but I can see both sides.

mindutopia · 11/01/2022 16:06

Exactly this, you can't go. One of my best friends got married in her home country. I was meant to be a bridesmaid (as she was for me). I was in the process of applying for settlement in the UK (which meant my passport was with the home office for like 9 months, submitted when ds was 10 days old!). Because I didn't have my passport back in time, I couldn't apply for his passport. In the end, I could have probably just about squeezed in the trip, but I would have had to leave bf ds in the UK for nearly a week. Unfortunately, it just wasn't possible (though not at all my friend's fault in this situation, just inconvenient timing - but I couldn't delay my application or risk an immigration offense). This friend doesn't sound like a very considerate friend though if she wouldn't make an exception for you given the circumstances.

ittakes2 · 11/01/2022 16:06

Every single one of my siblings weddings have been overseas from Canada to australia. People without kids can unfort be a bit clueless but she would have given some thought to her friends children so ask her.
Your child would be a toddler during wedding not a baby.
Ask the hotel - some offer baby sitting and since the baby sitters want to keep their jobs they are reliable. We check them before the wedding ie pay them to spend a few hours while we are around playing with kids to check we are comfortable.

  • kids club if wedding during the day (again pay for one to one baby sitting at kids club).
  • hubby comes on holiday and looks after child during wedding.
BlingLoving · 11/01/2022 16:07

@SainteCroissante

I am always surprised at how someone would send out an "invitation" like that to a supposed friend and not immediately follow-up with them to make sure they feel invited while also feeling comfortable to decline, since a) it's a freaking destination wedding half-way around the world, and b) they came up with a rule that makes it a thousand times harder for them to attend even if they wanted to.

And I think expecting someone to set up childcare or leave the child or a DP behind for days is beyond unreasonable. We're not talking an afternoon a few hours drive away... Some people... (shakes head)

I'm always surprised at how guests seem to think it should be all personalised to them. She sent an invite (most likely to lots of other people as well). Now the invitee decides whether she a) wants to attend and b) can attend. Invitee then responds aye or nay.

Job done.

Porcupineintherough · 11/01/2022 16:07

Dont go, or

Go but your dh minds the baby/toddler rather than attend the wedding, then you holiday as planned, or

Go and use the resort nanny/children's club (if there is one) for the baby/toddler on the wedding day.

Plenty of choices. Smile

givememykeys · 11/01/2022 16:08

@WindInTheWillows7

I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".
You can't understand? You don't seriously think that weddings are covered by some kind of legal discrimination rules do you?

Even simpletons must know that you can invite whoever the hell you like to your own wedding

caringcarer · 11/01/2022 16:09

When one of my cousin's friends, who lived in Australia got married she invited my cousin and her DH to her wedding and said she could stay in her home and feed her cats whilst she was on honeymoon in New Zealand. It was no Children and my cousin has 2 children. Her friends arranged childcare at local nursery for her too. Could you chat to your friend and say you would love to come but would have to bring child. Could she arrange childcare for your child for you? If she is a very good friend and she really wants you there she would do that for you to enable you to attend.

PlantBasedPlatypus · 11/01/2022 16:10

What is the difference with leaving an 15 month plus baby with a babysitter here rather than in a foreign country?

You can go, just do your research for a trusted sitter, and enjoy the wedding as well as a holiday with your family.

Staryflight445 · 11/01/2022 16:10

Why are you finding it so hard to say no?

You can’t go, so just say that?
Thank you for the invite but I’m unable to leave my baby so young in these circumstances, I wish you all the best.

MargosKaftan · 11/01/2022 16:10

You said about reuniting after a long time, so is this a "destination wedding" or a wedding where she lives now? (God I loved the thread a few years ago when a poster was proper annoyed at her sister having a "destination wedding" rather than one "at home", but it turned out her sister had lived in this other country for years and was getting married in her local church, the MNer wouldn't have it this was her sister having a wedding "at home". It was a fabulous read!)

Anyway, just decline. You can't be expected to travel without your child. Nice if you can, but you don't have easy options or want to so no, you can't go. If you are one of the few guests with young dcs who is travelling from overseas then she might well be happy to make an exception/help arrange a trained nanny to look after your dc for the ceremony.

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/01/2022 16:11

She’s your friend, talk to her. Don’t get your knickers in a twist, just apologise and say that you can’t go due to childcare. (I’m assuming no childcare options available for you or you would have said).

The poster that said it’s age discrimination made me spit my coffee out. Seriously?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2022 16:11

You can’t go and she shouldn’t be shitty about it when you say so.

2022WIP · 11/01/2022 16:12

@WindInTheWillows7

"I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".

Age discrimination GrinGrin

I doubt elderly people are likely to shout and scream during the ceremony or run around during the speeches.

People can invite who they like and people can decline if they want.

SarahAndQuack · 11/01/2022 16:12

TBH, I do think an 18-month-old is a bit borderline. I personally wouldn't leave my DD to go to a wedding, but plenty of people do happily leave toddlers.

I also think if she doesn't have children, it'd be worth having a conversation with her. When a friend of mine got married, DD was about 7-8 months old and my friend, who doesn't have children, was really surprised when I said actually, no, I can't leave her behind. It just hadn't occurred most people don't leave babies (inc non-breastfed babies, which she was) at that age. And why would you know, if you don't have children?

OhWhyNot · 11/01/2022 16:12

I only went to a wedding abroad as we made a holiday of it and my friend didn’t expect anything less. ds was part of the wedding party

I personally wouldn’t be spending the money on such a trip if my family wasn’t included no matter how much I love a friend

Gonnagetgoing · 11/01/2022 16:15

Hmmm this is interesting but maybe is different due to the circumstances.

We had neighbours live next door to us for approx 6 months and they had a baby who was turning 1 in the autumn. The mum left her twice with her grandmother in another European country, once with her husband in tow and once just by herself and with her older sister (5 at the time).

They were moving from across the Atlantic here though and it was tricky to do a lot of things with the baby.

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

For me personally, I couldn't leave a young baby (especially a year old) just to go to a wedding on the other side of the world and would have to bring them with me. Whether it involved a holiday or not with grandparents minding the baby is another matter but that would be a huge financial cost. So it'd probably be a no from me.

Rinoachicken · 11/01/2022 16:17

@Dixiechickonhols

I also wouldn’t fancy spending £2000 of whatever to go to Australia (or wherever it is) alone for 2 or 3 days. Surely if you are making people travel to a destination expectation is they’ll use it as their holiday.
This! Plus the flight will be 24hrs there, and the same back, horrendous jet lag. I’m you either go as a family and take a couple of weeks off for it, and just go to the wedding alone on that day, or don’t go at all.
SarahAndQuack · 11/01/2022 16:17

I then heard that the baby was conceived by IVF and also donor egg (shortly before they moved back to another country the mum told me). So I am guessing maybe she felt easier leaving the baby with the father and grandparents.

Sorry, what? I really hope I misunderstood this bit of your post.

WakeUpLockie · 11/01/2022 16:18

She knows you have a baby, she expects you to decline. It's a shame but it is what it is!

Bigboysmademedoit · 11/01/2022 16:18

Can I just say you don’t need to make excuses to anyone if you don’t want to leave your baby. It’s a short, special time and no one needs to be provided with a ‘reason’. I bet if/when your friend has a baby she’ll expect it to be invited - I’ve seen that happen several times!!

Bellyups · 11/01/2022 16:18

It you can’t leave your dc then don’t go. Politely declined and wish her the best.

FWI, I’m sure she’s not too bothered if people decline. The couple want a wedding abroad, and no kids. They would have discussed this together and realised that potentially, they’ll be a lot of declines. Infact it may be a bonus to them Wink

It is certainly a good way of weeding out guests for various reasons.

Liathroid · 11/01/2022 16:19

@Gonnagetgoing I am gobsmacked.

You are seriously saying you think that woman had no issues leaving her child as she conceived her via IVF and donor egg.

Your ignorance is astounding. Confused Hmm Shock