Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

[SunnySideUp2020]

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

I’d just find a local babysitter or childminder through the hotel, they’ll have loads of options to offer. That’s if you want to go.

Am a bit at all the people assuming the bride is some awful bridezilla kicking off cos people can’t attend when the OP hasn’t said anything like that

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

Well, yes. That's exactly what you say. Don't start trying to overcome objections and find complex half baked resolutions. Just don't go.

I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".

I’d probably still go and my husband could
Mind the baby

@WindInTheWillows7

I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".

People can invite who they want to their party. Sometimes that means other people can't go, but that's just part of those choices.

@WindInTheWillows7

I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".

I assume this is a joke, and no one actually thinks child free events should cease to exist because they are age discrimination

Yes say exactly that!

Because loads of people will come and talk about how their weddings were ruined by crying babies or whatever. That’s not the babies fault though, it’s thoughtless parents.
I’ve been to loads of weddings with children/babies and I have hardly noticed them being there.

My best friend was annoyed I didn’t go to her wedding also on the other side of the world when I was very heavily pregnant. ‘You only need to come for one night’. I think people loose all sense sometimes when weddings are involved.

I’ve seen a couple of “weddings in paradise” when I’ve been in the same resort, the sight of the bride in a full wedding dress stone drunk on a sunlounger was not pretty. The idea is lovely and romantic, in practice getting friends and relations there at sensible cost is a nightmare, OK if you can charter a jet and stay at a private resort but that’s megabucks.

With a young baby, you either take it with you, or send your regrets, I can understand no children, maybe a baby would be OK.

@WindInTheWillows7

I really don't get why "no kids" rules are acceptable. It's age-discrimination. You wouldn't say "no elderly people".

I had a no kids wedding. Young children generally get very bored at weddings, start to play up, need entertaining etc. Not every bride and groom wants that. Plus we had friends who were happy to have a fun, relaxing child free day.

I’m not reading it as a destination wedding, more that the friend lives on the other side of the world. Not that it makes a huge difference to the problem.

As PP have suggested, if you were happy to go out as a family, I’d do that and let DH have the wedding day with your baby.

I'm assuming the friend lives on the other side of the road, which is why it's a reunion. If you were happy to make the trip, does it really change things if you go to the wedding on your own and your partner stays at home / the hotel with a baby?

Also she might be expecting you to bring the baby and see you as something of an exception. We have some lovely friends getting married in June, their wedding is child free, but they're not including tiny babies in that for obvious reasons.

I imagine she knows you can't come, but sent the invitation anyway out of respect for the friendship.

I was told this was a thing after I didn't send an invitation to a close colleague who I knew couldn't attend the wedding as she was on a trip she'd booked ages before. Apparently I should have sent one anyway

Yes, you say no and explain why. She may then change the invitation because of the distance for you or might not. My sister invited the children of her old school friends who had to travel, but not of those who lived locally to where the wedding was.

Or you could go on your own and leave (2yo by then?) with his dad.

I think maybe clarify if this includes babies but if so, yes just say sorry but as you know i have a baby so won't be able to come.

Sometimes people without children (certainly not all!) don't realise you can't always just leave them with someone else. I had a friend invite me to her spa weekend hen 3 weeks after my DD was born and when i politely declined, she asked why I couldn't just leave her with my husband

Check first of all that means babies too.

I’m always surprised that people are happy to leave their baby with a random baby sitter in and hotel and that people can’t see beyond their own experience of non breast feed babies with lots of grandparents for childcare on tap.

If you can’t go OP then politely decline.

You need to have a conversation with her. People make all sorts of assumptions about childcare based on their own experiences and understanding. My first was a much easier baby to leave than my second. I’d have been very blasè about what’s possible until I had the experience of one who couldn’t be left.

At a wedding I went to the bride arranged the seating with her friend’s baby several tables away from her dm, to give her friend a break

People don’t always see things the same way!

I have a baby of the same age, my first instinct would be to rope in grandparents and enjoy a child free holiday! If that wasn’t possible then personally I’d still go as a family to have a nice holiday and if I couldn’t arrange a sitter via the hotel then DH would miss the wedding to look after the baby (more a young toddler at that age!). But if you don’t want to attend without your baby then that’s also absolutely fine, just politely decline and maybe send her a nice gift with your apologies!

@Fallagain

I’m always surprised that people are happy to leave their baby with a random baby sitter in and hotel and that people can’t see beyond their own experience of non breast feed babies with lots of grandparents for childcare on tap.

If you can’t go OP then politely decline.

Ummm. I suggested a babysitter within the hotel because in my experience the nanny agencies that many hotels use have properly checked, qualified and registered nannies rather than random teenagers off the street.

FWIW, I fucking HATE 'destination weddings,' and I hate them even more when the couple (usually the woman moreso) gets pissy when people start saying they can't come...

Yup. See also Hen ‘weekends’ 🙄

I'd just RSVP a no and only give a reason if she asked.

Some people who don't have children have no clue about this sort off thing, they just think you'll fancy a jolly without the baby.

I think the whole point of deatination weddings is you can look polite by inviting everyone but then get the small intimate wedding you actually want 😂

What were your plans when you thought children were invited. If you have a partner and you were intending to turn it into a family holiday then I would still do this and just attend the wedding without my partner.

You don't go. Such is life. She'll understand if she ever has kids.