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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:

Bouncer500 · 13/01/2022 18:47

I couldn't be arsed with that. Travelling to the other side of the world and having to either leave my toddler behind for too long or getting a stranger to look after them for a day and night when she could just let you bring them with you. After you going to the bother of travelling so far it is the least she could do. I would just reply 'no thanks'.

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 21:46

@appleturnovers I think your attitude is the judgemental one. You don't need to have a "really posh, formal, expensive do in a swish venue and you're a bit of a perfectionist" to not want kids at the wedding. 99% of weddings are incompatible with children. It is a solemn Adults Only ceremony not a fun day at the local theme park.

reasonsidrink · 13/01/2022 23:30

Politely decline the invite. Surely she knows that anyone with a young child or baby likely won't be able to attend without them? We got married abroad, but discussed it with friends and family before booking it. Most had at least one child, so obviously we invited them too. It was a much smaller wedding than if we'd done it in the UK, but we were fine with that. She must realise that a lot of people won't be able to make it due to childcare and/or cost?

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 23:36

The bride lives in Australia. She is having the wedding at home. This is not a destination wedding.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/01/2022 23:42

I would just say decline and apologise. I wouldn't consider going.

I have had friends marry in other countries and not been to any due to cost and or my children. Likewise, when I got married, many of my friends who aren't local couldn't come. It's not a big deal and doesn't reflect on the friendships.

Lou98 · 13/01/2022 23:48

@reasonsidrink the friend lives in Australia, it would be the same as if you had done it in the UK. It just so happens that OP lives abroad.

The friend also hasn't said she isn't happy about OP coming or that she expects everyone to make it (even though a lot of people on this thread seem to think she has) - the OP hasn't told her yet she won't be coming, she may react perfectly well as most people would

reasonsidrink · 14/01/2022 00:38

@lou98 Ah, I see. I didn't read the whole thread. Very different to a destination wedding. So unlikely friend is going to be upset if OP can't make it. Still, obvious answer is to politely decline the invite if it's a child free wedding and OP doesn't want to/can't leave child with someone.

RedHot22 · 14/01/2022 09:16

Just to answer those who have questioned my comments about the ‘baby’ being 2.

I’m not suggesting the child is left here whilst their parents travel to the other side of the world. However, possibly old enough for childcare whilst they attend the wedding.
Rather than moaning on MN, enquiries should be made. There could be a perfectly simple solution!

3scape · 14/01/2022 09:23

Invite to adults with no kids is a non invite even in the UK. It's just a token invite, not intended to be a genuine one.

RedHot22 · 14/01/2022 09:27

@3scape

Invite to adults with no kids is a non invite even in the UK. It's just a token invite, not intended to be a genuine one.

Don’t be daft.

I have never, ever, taken my children to a Wedding apart from their own brothers

RedHot22 · 14/01/2022 09:29

Out of interest. Those of you who can’t or won’t go anywhere without your DCs.

What about an invite to a 30th/40th Birthday party? Would you expect to take them there?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/01/2022 10:30

I don't think people "expect" their kids to be included in everything. Birthday parties for example it's usually pretty obvious if it's intended for kids due to timing and format. But I hope most functioning adults are able to ask their friends and relatives without it being an issue and then deciding if they want to come.
People often genuinely do not have baby sitters or can't afford commercial rates.

Lou98 · 14/01/2022 10:51

@3scape

Invite to adults with no kids is a non invite even in the UK. It's just a token invite, not intended to be a genuine one.

Don't be ridiculous, some people won't leave their children, sometimes due to being too young etc or sometimes simply out of principal of no children allowed (as is shown on this thread) but plenty of people are happy to get childcare and attend the wedding without their child, I personally prefer it.

Since we had our son we've been to two weddings, the first was no children, he was only 6 months at the time so we left him with MIL and went to the day bit only (wasn't too far for us), the second just after Christmas he was actually invited, we still chose to get child care for him and my DP and I went and stayed the night and had a great time. I would never have relaxed as much with him to look after and trying to keep him entertained at a wedding which, let's be honest, isn't exactly fun for young kids

WimpoleHat · 14/01/2022 16:52

@RedHot22

Out of interest. Those of you who can’t or won’t go anywhere without your DCs.

What about an invite to a 30th/40th Birthday party? Would you expect to take them there?

I wouldn’t expect them to be invited. But, equally, I wouldn’t go if going meant it would be a hassle because of the kids (if that makes sense). So just the same as my approach to weddings. In practice, this means that if kids were invited, I’d almost certainly go. If they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t. But I wouldn’t take offence or get upset if they weren’t invited.

pollyanna1962 · 15/01/2022 16:53

Shes very selfish and unkind telling people not to bring their kids. Only when you have them do you know that you very rarely leave them anywhere so young let alone you go abroad without them.

Lou98 · 15/01/2022 17:30

Only when you have them do you know that you very rarely leave them anywhere so young

I know plenty of people that leave their 2 year olds, if not younger, to go on holiday. You don't need to be a parent to know that some people will use childcare and some won't (yes I do have a child).

Fair enough, less people would leave them to go abroad (although some people still would) but for the bride, it isn't abroad, it's where she lives. It's not her fault the OP lives abroad, doesn't mean she needs to change her full wedding.

Lou98 · 15/01/2022 17:30

Sorry the first bit of that was meant to say "to go to weddings" not to go on holiday

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/01/2022 17:44

If you and dh are planning to holiday as well and she’s a good friend, I would go to wedding alone, and dh and dh have day a pool beach zoo etc

TooOldToBeAGoth · 15/01/2022 18:03

@pollyanna1962

Shes very selfish and unkind telling people not to bring their kids. Only when you have them do you know that you very rarely leave them anywhere so young let alone you go abroad without them.

She really isn’t “very selfish and unkind”

She is absolutely well within her rights to invite, and not invite, whomever she chooses.

The people who are outraged that their little darlings aren’t wanted at someone else’s event are perhaps the ones that need to take a step back and look at themselves. NEWSFLASH- not everyone thinks your kids are as brilliant as you do.

Kitkat151 · 15/01/2022 19:43

@pollyanna1962

Shes very selfish and unkind telling people not to bring their kids. Only when you have them do you know that you very rarely leave them anywhere so young let alone you go abroad without them.

🙄 ridiculous post..... indeed it’s very selfish and entitled to expect an invite for your children....You have choices....leave your D.C. with someone else or don’t go...... it’s up to bride and groom who they want and don’t want on their big day

PleasantBirthday · 16/01/2022 09:25

What about an invite to a 30th/40th Birthday party? Would you expect to take them there?

Well, from my point of view, there's a little difference. Our families tend to have occasions of this kind with children attending. Outside the family, my parents wouldn't probably be invited, so I would have childcare. Weddings are the same to me. I wouldn't leave my child overnight with anyone she doesn't know very well.

Tiredalwaystired · 16/01/2022 10:12

I’ve skipped a few pages but jeez to those saying turn up with the baby anyway!

When we got invited to a child free wedding it was because the bride had already had six miscarriages between her first marriage and this one.

She just didn’t want that reminder on her big day. In fact the day I announced my pregnancy before she said congratulations (which she did) she said “you know they won’t be able to come to the wedding?”

My baby was 5 months old and a bottle refuser by the time their wedding happened. It was a close friend but my in laws still had to sit in our hotel room with the baby while I went to dinner and I left to go to the room as soon as I could be excused. Miserable experience for me but then it wasn’t my day and I wanted to be there to support the couple. It’s selfish to do it your way not theirs. Just decline or find a way round it if you want to go, just don’t disrespect them.

Hathertonhariden · 16/01/2022 12:22

It's such a shame that weddings have become such expensive, insta-worthy events that people have become so precious about curating a perfect event or need to exclude people to be able to afford it.

I went for cheaper options so that I could afford to invite friends and family and their children. It would have been grim to have had people holed up in hotel rooms babysitting while the rest of us partied. The choice was entirely up to guests to decide if they brought their children and all the children came. Don't regret it for a moment.

Mellowyellow222 · 16/01/2022 21:42

@Hathertonhariden well you are clearly a much better person than most and certainly can claim moral superiority over this bride😂😂😂.

So many People on mumsnet are incredibly judgmental about people who don’t follow their exact way of thinking!! I wonder how people develop such a narrow view point - particularly now there are I many opportunities to experience different cultures and understand different viewpoints. Yet so many people seem to still maintain this stubborn intolerance of anything that doesn’t conform with their world view.

It is depressing.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2022 21:46

You have two options

Go to aus as a family for the holiday as planned and on the day of the wedding you attend and dh does something else with the baby

Decline the wedding.

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