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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:

DSGR · 11/01/2022 15:31

But your baby will be 16 months old or over? Can’t they stay with a grandparent for a few days? Or can you go alone and leave baby with DH? I’d do one of those and be there for my friend.
As a last resort I’d ask to bring the baby. She will probably say yes

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 11/01/2022 15:31

@Welshmaenad

Yeah, you just don't go. It sucks but if she expects people to respect her no kids decision she has to accept that some parents will be unable to attend.

@VimFuego101

Exactly this. If having your friends and family at your wedding is your priority, don't have your wedding on the other side of the world.

100% agree with these posts. ^

Have a wedding 'abroad' by all means, but then don't complain when people can't/won't come.

Gwlondon · 11/01/2022 15:31

I think just say you can’t come. Weddings are hard when you can’t bring your kids.

R2G · 11/01/2022 15:31

I'd just call and say you've given it some thought but the baby would be too young to leave, you could bring the baby with you if she'd prefer, but also completely understand if she wants to make no exceptions in case that causes trouble for family and really sorry. Send a gift x

shouldistop · 11/01/2022 15:32

Well obviously you decline the invitation. She'll be expecting people to decline

irishfarmer · 11/01/2022 15:32

Where is the wedding? If it it is Oz/ NZ (other side of the world) I would just be saying that you can't make it and wish them all the best.

If it is in Europe somewhere a good friend of mine had a friends wedding a few years ago with no kids, her parents came and minded the kids the few days of the wedding. They all stayed on for 10 full days.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2022 15:32

Yes last para thanks but unfortunately we can’t come due to baby.
When is wedding? She might naively be thinking your child will be a child not baby so can be left at home with grandma etc.
Other side of world means it’s a huge financial undertaking and time taken to go of course it isn’t practical to leave child at home. It’s also not as simple as taking grandma to babysit - imagine flight alone will be £500 plus. I also wouldn’t be comfortable leaving child in foreign country with an unknown babysitter.

irishfarmer · 11/01/2022 15:33

@shouldistop

Well obviously you decline the invitation. She'll be expecting people to decline

You'd be very surprised what people are expecting!!

Anoisagusaris · 11/01/2022 15:33

OP says it’s the other side of the world.

Wouldn’t go, with or without the baby.

Liathroid · 11/01/2022 15:33

@PurpleRainlnTheSky this is a really common thing to do for a destination wedding where I am from/ in my social circle. Usually the person going to mind pays around half as they’re also getting a holiday and parents pay the other half. Most grandparents in particular enjoy a holiday away and a day minding their grandchild. It’s always worked really well.

FoofOfTheWalkingDead · 11/01/2022 15:33

I really, really, really wanted to get married in Vegas. But then I didn't because my very close friends couldn't have afforded it.

It's not the end of the world if you miss their wedding. You might be able to get away for the hen-do. That's more fun anyway

BlingLoving · 11/01/2022 15:34

Does your friend live on the other side of the world or is it a case that she is travelling out there?

Unless she is your absolute BFF, I don't think it's odd that she might suggest that it will be lovely to all get together AND for her to say no children. The reality is that she probably would love you to go, especially if she does live there and would love to see you. But she's not going to arrange the whole wedding for you. Also, I was taught that invitations should be sent to everyone you would like to come within the context of your numbers, even if you know that some of those people cannot attend. Also, with long distance weddings, it's always a little surprising who does and does not turn up.

If she lives there, and you would like to go and have a holiday and see her and attend the wedding, I'd speak to her about what options there might be for dc. eg, does she have other, local friends with dc who you could meet beforehand and then share a babysitter with? Also, when is this wedding, your baby is already a year old so arguably, finding a babysitter isn't that hard.... if you want to go. Obviously, if you don't want to go then a polite decline is perfectly reasonable. Also, please decline asap so that they have plenty of time to invite someone else.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 11/01/2022 15:34

I also think destination weddings are selfish AF, unless half of the relevant friends and family are unavoidably on the other side of the world where the wedding is, in which case you should probably just have a party in each location. Expecting family and friends to spend a lot of cash plus annual leave flying and staying is a pisstake, but a lot of people will feel obliged and try to make it work if they possibly can, because wedding. If you want to get married in Bali or Barbados, have at it, but have some sense and only invite your parents and maybe any childless siblings.

I would have no compunction about saying sorry, can't come. There's no way I would fly my kids across the world for a party they weren't invited to, and no way I would leave them behind, and I'm not at all precious about leaving mine.

MadameFantabulosa · 11/01/2022 15:34

Leave the baby with DH/DP for a few days? It won’t be a newborn by that point and they should be capable of being in sole charge for a few days.

mogsrus · 11/01/2022 15:34

The biggest problem with destination weddings is they think all the guests have that kind of money just to do it For them it’s a honeymoon etc which has been thought about, for others it’s a massive removal of money for someone else’s day

Liathroid · 11/01/2022 15:35

@irishfarmer

Where is the wedding? If it it is Oz/ NZ (other side of the world) I would just be saying that you can't make it and wish them all the best.

Interesting! I’m also Irish and suggested same. Maybe Irish people are more willing to make a big effort for weddings given how important they are here! Another poster just told me it was a totally daft idea and would never work! Despite knowing multiple times where friends/family have done it!

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2022 15:36

Why is she having wedding in Australia or wherever? Does she have connection there or is it just a destination whim.
Surely even in none covid times very few will spend thousands and a weeks minimum annual leave to go to a wedding. Add in covid even fewer will be up for it. Add in no kids and other than her mum I can’t see anyone realistically going.

BlingLoving · 11/01/2022 15:36

Aaah, apparently I'm the only one who assumed you and your partner would go out there together, with the baby, and treat it as a holiday. So it is just the day of the wedding itself for which you'd have needed childcare - I have attended weddings in my home country where I've had to get childcare but we've brought the kids on the holiday with us. Is that an option? Or just too far and too expensive? Which I totally understand.

Winniemarysarah · 11/01/2022 15:37

@MadameFantabulosa

Leave the baby with DH/DP for a few days? It won’t be a newborn by that point and they should be capable of being in sole charge for a few days.

I can’t see either parent being happy with that tbh

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2022 15:39

madamefantabulosa that works if it’s an hour flight to Europe but other side of world op would be flying for full day there and back, even if she only stayed a few days she’s missing from home best part of a week plus horrendous jet lag.

TiredButDancing · 11/01/2022 15:40

I'm not sure what the angst is about. Would you have rather she just didn't send you an invite? If you can't, you tell her that.

Having said that, I'm not sure I understand the childcare issue. I don't know when the wedding is but assuming it's at least a few months away, your baby will be a toddler by then? Surely, you can find a hotel that offers babysitting or ask your friend to ask for babysitting recommendations? If childcare is your only issue, it seems odd to be so worried about it. I'd be more concerned about long distance travel, costs etc.

LifesABotch · 11/01/2022 15:41

You can't go, although I'm not sure your friend will be actively aware that leaving a baby is not as simple as she might think. Never mind the fact that you don't want to leave your baby! Sometimes, weddings make people think they are the only important one in the world. But your baby is more important. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but, if it is, then it is your friend who is making it so.

kirinm · 11/01/2022 15:41

The only way I'd go (and that is totally dependent on how far away she actually is) is if we could make a holiday out of it. And then as the baby will not be a small baby by then, DP would look after her.

But if it is hours and hours on a plane with an 18-month old somewhere like Oz, it would be a no for me.

I took my DD to Europe for a wedding when she was 3 months old.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2022 15:41

You decline. She doesn’t get it. Yet.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2022 15:41

I also wouldn’t fancy spending £2000 of whatever to go to Australia (or wherever it is) alone for 2 or 3 days. Surely if you are making people travel to a destination expectation is they’ll use it as their holiday.

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