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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 11/01/2022 16:50

I flew over to Canada alone for two days when my children were young as my eldest was in school and it was term time, so it wasnt possible to take them. However my kids were old enough to understand (3 and 5) and I could Skype them. It’s theoretically doable that way.

However I was also invited to a wedding when eldest was 5 months old which was no kids and it was a complete ball ache. She was still breastfeeding and refused a bottle. Luckily it was in the UK so my in-laws stayed in our hotel room with the baby all day and I kept popping back to feed her and then retired to the bedroom straight after the evening meal so they could go home . It was utterly shit for us but it was hubbys best mate

With your child the age they are the gamble is not really being able to second guess how they would cope if you left them at home without you as they change so much.

Can you make a decision very close to the time? Possibly not if a high cost journey.

Feel for you.

cantbelieveit2022 · 11/01/2022 16:51

@MintMatchmaker

What were your plans when you thought children were invited. If you have a partner and you were intending to turn it into a family holiday then I would still do this and just attend the wedding without my partner.
This.

I don't see what's changed overly. Other than your partner and child not going to the actual wedding day itself. Which if it was my husband and the other way about I wouldn't mind, I'd enjoy the prospect of getting a holiday out of it and he could catch up with old friends for a day and wed have the rest of the holiday to enjoy as a family.

RampantIvy · 11/01/2022 16:51

What am i supposed to say?

"Sorry, I can't attend your wedding"

No need to make a song and dance about it. You don't need to say anything else. If it is the other side of the world she will get loads of replies like this. Covid adds further complications, especially if some of her guests haven't been vaccinated.

Does she live there or is she expecting to travel out with a plane load of guests?

VodselForDinner · 11/01/2022 16:53

Even if she was having children at the wedding, would you really fly halfway around the world with a one year old to attend?

Unless it was close family, I don’t think many people would do it.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2022 16:54

Hi xxx as you know I was looking forward to attending your wedding but as you know I have a young baby and with your wish for children not to attend I will have to regretfully decline. Hope you have a lovely day.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/01/2022 16:55

@AndItDoesntSeemToMatter

If anyone I knew expected me to fork out to travel to the OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD for a fucking party they'd be getting ghosted!
You’d dump a friend because they had the temerity to invite you to their wedding?

MN is an alternate reality sometimes

SamMil · 11/01/2022 16:55

Do you have a partner? If so, I'd turn it into a family holiday & just go to the wedding part alone. If not, it's a bit more tricky!

KeepingAnOpenMind · 11/01/2022 16:56

How thoughtless if her. Also to expect everyone to fly around the world to accommodate her wedding.

cantbelieveit2022 · 11/01/2022 16:59

@Anotherviewtoyou

I really don’t see this as a flat we can’t attend like other posters do. *@SunnySideUp2020* said she was chatting with friend about how great the wedding will be etc. so obviously she and her baby and presumably her partner were all planning to travel over for the wedding. As it’s on the other side of the world it also seems clear they were planing to go for a while (that is, not just for the day of the wedding).

Why not just stick to that plan and on the day of the wedding the op partner stays in the hotel and minds the baby. op goes and has a great time catching up with her friends.

What’s the problem?

I agree. I don't think this is a case of "i now can't go", it's more a case of "i now don't want to go"
SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/01/2022 17:05

Message her to clarify?
We have been so looking forward to the wedding. Obviously we can't attend without little Flora, but the invitation mentions no children? Can I check if this applies to babies in arms?

Talipesmum · 11/01/2022 17:05

Talk to your friend and explain that you aren’t comfortable leaving the baby. If she has been being clueless about what a no-kids invitation means in reality, better to explain in person than just a “I must regretfully decline” formal response. How far is it to travel?

givememykeys · 11/01/2022 17:06

@AndItDoesntSeemToMatter

If anyone I knew expected me to fork out to travel to the OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD for a fucking party they'd be getting ghosted!
And presumably they won't be too cut up to lose you as a friend, you sound very agressive
Drinkingallthewine · 11/01/2022 17:06

Never been to a destination wedding, never will.

The reasons are:

  • my annual leave is precious and mine to decide how I want to spend it, who I want to spend it with and where I want to spend it.
  • I want to choose my own holiday destination at a time of my choosing in a hotel I choose within my own private budget.
  • with my family, going to a resort and being stuck with them all for a week would be my idea of hell. I love them, but some of them in very small doses only.

You either want an exotic wedding where you understand people for all sorts of reasons will decline and you gracefully accept it and if not and you expect your friends and family to attend, plan the wedding at home.

I've seen several instances of people who were absolutely resolute on a no-child policy at their weddings to the point of being willing to fall out with family over it, a few years later also being the very ones to throw a tantrum because their demon toddler is omitted under the very same policy.

Here in Ireland it's generally a given that nieces and nephews of the bride or groom attend the service, photos and sometimes the early part of the day, if not most of it, but it's understood that if you are not a sibling of the bride or groom the invite is a couple invite only for you to accept or decline as you see fit. Our family weddings typically had the children staying until after dessert and then by 7pm tucked up in bed with a sitter so their mums and dads can enjoy the evening with the grown ups. It's far too long a day for the kids otherwise.

Decline, citing that you are unable to leave your child in order to travel long haul and send a nice card and small gift. Job done.

JorisBonson · 11/01/2022 17:07

Just say no. You don't need to go into chapter and verse about it.

WonderfulYou · 11/01/2022 17:08

Your child obviously comes first so say you can’t go.

But if you really want to go could you go with your DP or even a friend or family member who can look after your baby and then have a little holiday over there too.

Dottyteapot · 11/01/2022 17:10

Just decline the invite and carry on with life.

I know people who have invited family members and friends to a wedding the other side of the world and said no children deliberately, knowing that the family members wouldn’t go but couldn’t kick up a fuss about now being invited.

It happened to me Grin but I don’t particularly like weddings anyway so didn’t mind the ease of having an excuse not to go.

givememykeys · 11/01/2022 17:10

@KeepingAnOpenMind

How thoughtless if her. Also to expect everyone to fly around the world to accommodate her wedding.
The way the OP is worded sounds like the bride lives on the other side of the world, where would you suggest she gets married? Confused
Original poster
SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 17:11

Haven't read all the answers but to clarify:

It is in Australia, I live in Europe as an expat in a country where I don't know anyone yet (just moved).
My daughter never stayed with anyone and since we have no friends or family around isn't able to stay with anyone. Covid and all... she isn't very social in that sense.
I am also not comfortable just dropping her off with some hotel childcare. That's just a personal thing, maybe I will change my mind when she is older but right now this is how I feel.
DH and I planned to go together with the baby or toddler to be and treat it as a holiday just with a stop at the wedding. It would also be my little gi
One 2y birthday in the same week.
Taking DHs mum would be quite costly and she works. A lot. And also holidaying with the MIL wouldn't be the same.

I was just wondering how to put it really? Or do I even ask to be an exception or just forget about it?

OP posts:
cantbelieveit2022 · 11/01/2022 17:13

@SunnySideUp2020 can't you just continue as planned? except your husband child have a day trip together whilst you go to the wedding?

Lockdownmummy · 11/01/2022 17:14

You still go as planned and DH doesn't go to the wedding and has DD for the day. It will still be a great holiday for you all.

PermanentTemporary · 11/01/2022 17:15

I wouldn't go. But be prepared to lose the friendship.

I sat in a room with some young friends of my bf recently, aged 25 to 39, apparently sensible people. Two couples getting married this year. The women in the engaged couples went on and on about the terrible behaviour of various friends/bridesmaids who had 1. Got pregnant and 2. Moved countries, thereby SELFISHLY ruining the weddings because they could no longer do whatever it was that was essential at the wedding.

I listened absolutely open mouthed. Apparently you have to say yes to being a bridesmaid or going to a wedding if someone asks you, whatever that takes, and once you've signed up, your life has to be on hold for years so that you can be on parade at someone else's wedding. Incredible and ridiculous.

RampantIvy · 11/01/2022 17:16

I was just wondering how to put it really?

"Due to not being able to get any childcare, unfortunately we will have to decline your invitation"

Just how easy will be to get to Australia anyway?

Wotagain · 11/01/2022 17:19

@Lockdownmummy

You still go as planned and DH doesn't go to the wedding and has DD for the day. It will still be a great holiday for you all.
this
LakeShoreD · 11/01/2022 17:20

DH and I planned to go together with the baby or toddler to be and treat it as a holiday just with a stop at the wedding
Is there a reason why you wouldn’t still do this but only you attend the actual wedding? If you’re viewing it as a holiday and the wedding just as a stop does the child free invite really change things that much?

I definitely wouldn’t ask for an exception as it would just be awkward. She knows you have a child. She doesn’t want your child there. It’s very clear. If it’s a sticking point for you then politely decline and just say that you can’t make it work with the distance and childcare but are sad to be missing it and wish her all the best. I’m sure she’ll understand, you don’t invite people from half way around the world to an event and expect everyone to make it.

VenusClapTrap · 11/01/2022 17:21

Well first of all, talk to your friend. She may not realise the difficulty and might make an exception.

Secondly, go on the holiday as planned but your Dh and child skip the wedding.