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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
Shamoo · 13/01/2022 00:43

@Gonnagetgoing - just FYI, that’s one of the most offensive things I have personally ever read on mumsnet.

PrincessNutella · 13/01/2022 01:25

I don't know if I'm an outlier, but I would not waste even a minute worrying about going to a friend's wedding under the circumstances you describe. I would feel incredibly relieved of a horrible burden. Because I think destination weddings should equal elopements. If brides and grooms want to get married in Tahiti, god bless--send me a photo with a palm tree and I'll send you a congratulations card and we're good. Don't bankrupt me and expect me to spend my vacation on You Time and then have to buy you a Cuisinart on top of it. No thank you, sister.

AlDanvers · 13/01/2022 02:15

@PrincessNutella it's not a destinations wedding. The bride is getting married where she lives.

RampantIvy · 13/01/2022 06:48

I think people who think children belong at weddings clearly don't understand children very well.

Doesn't it depend on the type of wedding? If it is a stiff, formal affair with a sit down dinner and lots of speeches then I agree that children will get bored and fractious.

An informal reception with a buffet then I wouldn't see a problem with children being there. I haven't been to many weddings, mainly family ones and children were always welcome at those.

Neither of us has big families though.

Sunnysideup999 · 13/01/2022 06:55

‘ thank you for the invite. My little one will still be too little to leave in the summer so unfortunately I won’t be able to attend. Hope you have a wonderful day’

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 07:06

People have some very odd views about invitations! Getting angry about being invited to destinations weddings (which this isn’t), getting angry about no children at weddings etc etc.

It’s an invitations not a summons. You can politely decline! Why the outrage if the event doesn’t suit you? How very dare the couple who are offering to buy you dinner have the wedding in their some town and not also invite your children!

I think a few on this thread would benefit from some etiquette lessons😂

RedHot22 · 13/01/2022 07:10

Why does everyone keep going on about it being a ‘destination Wedding’?
The OP has not specifically said this.

Still go abs enjoy your holiday OP. It’s too far to take a family member. Ask you friend if she can advise you about local childcare options

popppi · 13/01/2022 07:11

I've got 3 childfree weekend weddings coming up this year, all far away enough that I will be gone for 2-3 nights. DD is at school so weekends are my only time with her. I've fully had enough and will be declining any others where children are not welcome and will be spending the time with DD Smile
I personally think that weddings are for families and children are part of families, but that if you're paying thousands of pounds for a day have it how you want. BUT be ok with people not coming if kids are excluded.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 07:13

Also the smug patronising views expressed here by people without children is shocking and narrow minded.

If the bride doesn’t want children at her wedding that is absolutely fine. I never understand why some people get so angry and offended by this. It’s one bloody day. If you can’t be without your child for that ping or can’t organise child care you decline the invitation.

Why all the outrage and angst, painting the bride as some cruella deville who will have a personality transplant if she is ever lucky enough to join your smug little club of mummies? And also assuming the groom took no later on this decision.

Some of you are stuck in the 1950s

RedHot22 · 13/01/2022 07:13

I’m actually staggered how entitled some people become when they have children.

Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous. I had a no children wedding. My friends are my friends, not their children.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 07:14

About people talking or hour children not by people without children!

Again you can all decline invitations - it’s. not for you to dictate what others weddings are like. It’s not your wedding

RampantIvy · 13/01/2022 07:26

Why all the outrage and angst, painting the bride as some cruella deville who will have a personality transplant if she is ever lucky enough to join your smug little club of mummies?

I think that is in response to bridezillas who get pissy when you say you can't go because you can't get childcare or you are still breastfeeding a small baby and can't leave them for long.

Do you have children @Mellowyellow222?

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 07:37

No I don’t have children. But it doesn’t mean I am a heartless monster or stupid.
That question was almost an accusation and the time on this site about childless people is at times cruel.

RedHot22 · 13/01/2022 07:41

Making the decision to have children (if you’re able to) is yours. Any subsequent restrictions on your life are also yours.

You cannot expect friends to accommodate your choices.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 07:41

And to be far one poster even suggested dOP respond excusing the bride of not liking her child! Other suggested taking the child anyway!

People have lost all perspective it’s a one day event and you are not forced to attend. People have lost the concept of an invitation: it isn’t compulsory.

To be honest I wouldn’t fly this distance to somewhere I wouldn’t go on holiday just for a wedding. My holidays are precious and weddings aren’t really my idea if a good day out (unless I know most people there).

newname12345 · 13/01/2022 07:52

@Mellowyellow222

And to be far one poster even suggested dOP respond excusing the bride of not liking her child! Other suggested taking the child anyway!

People have lost all perspective it’s a one day event and you are not forced to attend. People have lost the concept of an invitation: it isn’t compulsory.

To be honest I wouldn’t fly this distance to somewhere I wouldn’t go on holiday just for a wedding. My holidays are precious and weddings aren’t really my idea if a good day out (unless I know most people there).

Totally agree, unless I had time and money to burn I wouldn't consider this.

Probably would go in the future when the child(ren) are older and the friend has time rather than being focused on their wedding.

Valeriekat · 13/01/2022 08:25

She can't possibly expect you to travel to Australia.
With covid you may not get a visa anyway!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 13/01/2022 08:33

Brides never notice the smallest detail on their wedding day. They certainly won't notice the child

What nonsense! I didn't say no kids but I did say no video cameras and I definitely noticed there were two people who did bring and use them (in the days before mobile phones). I think children are a little more obvious than a video camera!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 13/01/2022 08:33

@Valeriekat

She can't possibly expect you to travel to Australia. With covid you may not get a visa anyway!
I don't know - they do seem to be letting people in now. I have acquaintances who are planning a visit in about 10 days' time.
RedHot22 · 13/01/2022 08:39

@Valeriekat

She can't possibly expect you to travel to Australia. With covid you may not get a visa anyway!
The OP has talked to her about going.

So the bride is stuck between a rock and a hard place. No invite = Rude. Invite = Entitled

Momicrone · 13/01/2022 08:45

I had a no child wedding, primarily because of table numbers, however, some people still brought kids, didn't bother me, because I was too busy having a great time and they weren't my responsibility. Not sure why people get so worked up about this kind of thing

anon12345678901 · 13/01/2022 09:07

@RedHot22

Making the decision to have children (if you’re able to) is yours. Any subsequent restrictions on your life are also yours.

You cannot expect friends to accommodate your choices.

I agree. There is nothing wrong with a no children invitation, it's not a snub towards your kids, it's simply they don't want children at the event. Children can be a pain at events, especially when parents don't remove their kids when they start crying or being noisy, it's disruptive and rude. Completely understand not everyone will want to leave their kids and that's fine, just say no. A bridge should not get upset if people with children cannot attend a wedding without children.
anon12345678901 · 13/01/2022 09:07

Bride not bridge 🤦🏻‍♀️

Momicrone · 13/01/2022 09:09

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them

TooOldToBeAGoth · 13/01/2022 09:19

@Momicrone

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them
But the bride has expressly said no children, so guests cannot bring children