Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

[SunnySideUp2020]

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

@Valeriekat

She can't possibly expect you to travel to Australia. With covid you may not get a visa anyway!

The OP has said her baby is 9 months, she also said she'll be turning 2 the week of the wedding so it must still be over a year away, who knows what the covid situation will be like by then.

She only sent an invitation, OP can say no. The bride lives there

My daughter is due to get married this year after having her wedding postponed twice. All the weddings she has been to are no children and now all her guests have children and want to bring them and are surprised because she says no children. It was okay for them to say no children then but not for her to say no!

£150+ a head even for 2 year olds, as it is a per head package price, the cost is prohibitive and she really does not want 20 under 3's running around.

Sorry cant come because i have a baby.

Got it in one!

[quote SallyGoLucky]@MabelsApron 100% agree the wording in the OPs post was deliberate so ensure siding with her. And it worked, as majority haven't even bothered to read and realise the person getting married is getting married on their home country where they live. Also, the OP was fine with travelling with a young child such a distance, mentions they had intended to "drop in" to the wedding whilst making the trip a holiday... but now has essentially taken the hump because god forbid her friend doesn't want a 2 year old running around. So all of a sudden, the travel might be too much actually! [/quote]
That's a very bad faith interpretation.

The issue is that OP won't know anyone in Australia she trusts enough to babysit her 2 year old for an entire day and evening, so if the child can't come to the wedding then OP can't go either. Unless she drags her DH all the way to Australia only for him to sit out the wedding and look after the child. That's a hell of a long way to go, and a lot of money (and missed time off work) for a wedding that 2 out of 3 of them aren't able to go to, which might swing the balance between it being worth it and not worth it.

Anyway, it very much sounded to me like OP's main problem was the awkwardness around the fact that she and the friend have been talking about the wedding for months with the assumption OP would be going, yet the friend never once mentioned it was child free. That's the issue. If she'd said it was child free from the start then everyone would have known where they stood, OP could have thought about it and said "aww such a shame but I won't be able to come, hope you have a wonderful day", but now it has the potential to be awkward after all the excited chatter about how nice it'll be to go.

And why didn't the friend mention it was childfree? The most charitable explanation is she doesn't have children herself so thinks arranging childcare for a toddler for several days while you go to the other side of the world is as easy as asking your neighbour to leave food out for your cat and therefore thought it was no big deal rather than an absolutely critical piece of information in OP deciding whether or how to come.

OP my brother and s'n'law did this - although I had already told them we would take my children out of school for a week and go to their wedding in Canada. And only after I had booked the flights did they say it was child free and suggested I find a sitter on the internet (no obviously). Now their daughter is almost 5 and I doubt they will ever leave her with a sitter from the internet - people without children can be clueless.

@appleturnovers I'd imagine the reason it's not come up is because a) the OP has naively assumed children are invited (where I come from, no one would assume this, so it's strange to me that she has but I appreciate this isn't the case every where). B) The bride hasn't mentioned it because to her it's a non issue. OP is one guest at her wedding in which I'm assuming there are many more guests attending. The bride will have a million and one other things to do than consider the child care for a friend who is probably well aware will not attend anyway and c) they're just not that close. My "close friends" knew every single detail about my wedding and I theirs, the invites were mere formality as I knew they were coming and they knew exactly what to expect. I suspect these two are just not as close as OP believes because I don't understand how the OPs child won't have come up in conversation, for example what it might be like to travel with a child, what else they should do while they're out there etc

It's ok OP to decline the invite.
You don't want to attend their wedding which is a long flight away without your DD

Doesn't sound like you want to go anymore as it's different to how she described the reunion will be. Tbh she'll be busy in the day anyway so you won't see her much and will be left with random strangers around you.

So you either go all 3 of you treat it like a holiday where you'll attend a wedding in your own (whilst DH has toddler for the day) and disappear after 7pm back to your DH and child or you politely decline

"Dear Friend
Thankyou for the wedding invite. Unfortunately we will be unable to make it as DH & I will have DD with us so we cannot attend a childfree wedding. I wish you all the best for your special day, love Sunny"

I think when you plan a childfree wedding you take the risk -and have to accept - that some friends or family with children will be unable to attend due to their specific circumstances.

Your DD will be 2?

You will have a child then really, not a baby.

"Sorry, sadly I can't come if I'm unable bring my young baby - it's too far to travel and too long away to be separated at this very early stage. I'm sad we can't be there for your big day but let's make plans to meet either just before or after here in the UK so we can celebrate together.

You may find she makes an exception.

Well you say you can't go, save the money and the hassle - easy.

Ok @RedHot22 that's fine but I think it's completely normal to not want to leave your 2yo and travel from Europe all the way Australia without them, in the middle of a pandemic when you might get stuck there.
Tbh OP it's not worth the anxiety and you probably have to just follow your gut

@YukoandHiro she won't be a young baby, she'll be 2.

Although I agree, best just to be honest about why she's not going.
She may make an exception, she may not, I wouldn't expect her to.

I think this is making a mountain out of a molehill really - so many posters assuming that the friend is angry and entitled because OP can't go and that she "should have considered that" before having an abroad wedding with no kids (even though she herself lives there) - the friend will most likely be fine about it, but she hasn't even been told so not sure why so many people have assumed she's kicked off

Yup just say you can't go.

We got married abroad and part of the deal of having a destination wedding is that you cannot be at all upset if anyone doesn't make it.

It's a big ask of time/money, especially long haul (ours was Caribbean) as you're essentially making folk use your wedding as they're annual holiday. We didn't question anyone who couldn't make it and made sure to see everyone once home. We also live streamed the ceremony.

@Welshmaenad

Yeah, you just don't go. It sucks but if she expects people to respect her no kids decision she has to accept that some parents will be unable to attend.

Exactly. DH and I were invited to a relative’s wedding taking place on a cruise. £3,500 pp. Of course we declined the invitation. I’m not saying your friend has this attitude but some people get married abroad to avoid wedding politics. They invite people to a wedding with £X thousands price tag knowing most people won’t go. Your friend MUST know that parents will have to decline?

@RedHot22

Your DD will be 2?

You will have a child then really, not a baby.

And.....???

Yes. Just say you can’t attend because you have a baby. It was her rule in the first place. I had a ‘no children’ wedding and that response would have been absolutely fine with me. In fact, that is what happened with some friends and we are, of course, still friends.

@ittakes2

OP my brother and s'n'law did this - although I had already told them we would take my children out of school for a week and go to their wedding in Canada. And only after I had booked the flights did they say it was child free and suggested I find a sitter on the internet (no obviously). Now their daughter is almost 5 and I doubt they will ever leave her with a sitter from the internet - people without children can be clueless.

Let’s not bash the childless or childfree please.

People with children can be clueless too.

Toooldtobeagoth, no the op is not my friend

If your friend doesn’t have children herself, she might not realise that some parents can’t simply sort out child care. I didn’t realise at the time I sent my invites. Might sound daft but I just didn’t grasp the relentless of parenting!

Sallygolucky - I have wised up thanks, in fact I think I may be reaching peak wiseness

[quote WakeUpLockie]@Mum233 you thought she should have scheduled her wedding around your pregnancy? Or she thought you should have scheduled your pregnancy around her wedding?[/quote]
Obviously not.
I wanted her to accept the reason I didn’t accept the invite. She was furious that I wouldn’t come 24 hours after giving birth via emergency section

@ViaRia

If your friend doesn’t have children herself, she might not realise that some parents can’t simply sort out child care. I didn’t realise at the time I sent my invites. Might sound daft but I just didn’t grasp the relentless of parenting!

Then you must have been very dense because I don't have children and perfectly understand the challenges because, you know, I'm an adult living in this society and talk to people?

It's only on MN that these bridezillas who make a fuss about people turning down an invitation due to childcare exist. I do wonder sometimes whether the other side of the story is that the parent made a fuss and had a strop. Hey ho.

@Mum233 not obvious or I wouldn’t have asked 🙄

@SecretSpAD Noooo, on MN you can’t understand unless you’re in the club!

[quote WakeUpLockie]@Mum233 not obvious or I wouldn’t have asked 🙄[/quote]
17 page thread and you’re fixated on my one comment 🙄