Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

[SunnySideUp2020]

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

Does she live on the other side of the world? Are the majority of guests going to have to stay over at least 1 night?

If no to the 1st and yes to the 2nd she's an idiot!

Destination weddings - fine

No kids weddings - I'm not a fan but I realise they are inc in popularity

Both? Piss take!

As per mn rules it's an invitation not a summons. Turn it down and if this affects the majority of her guests and she gets a lot of rejections she's only herself to blame.

Personally I think no kids weddings are ridiculous! I as raised (catholic family kids and weddings are HUGE) weddings are a FAMILY occasion and that inc the children within the family - and to my mind that also inc the friends you invite as if they're good enough to be invited to your wedding they're as good as family anyway!

I had a lot of kids at my wedding and they were a wonderful addition to the festivities.

FWIW, I fucking HATE 'destination weddings,' and I hate them even more when the couple (usually the woman moreso) gets pissy when people start saying they can't come...

Especially when they start making rules that make it impossible for people to attend.

Yep!

I used to work in the wedding industry. Some brides are simply naive/oblivious but I left just as the sm nonsense was making weddings become FAR more about "show" than they had ever been before! And I was starting to come across brides who were quite consciously and deliberately setting conditions in order to exclude "less photogenic" guests! Disgusting way to behave!

She has no idea about babies , yet, does she? Obviously you can't go, just tell her - one day if she is lucky enough to become a mother she will understand, if not she's not that good a friend is she. Only do what you want to do

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming.
If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part.
It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

No one is BU here (except potentially your partner).

Your friend is getting married in the area where she comes from. All good.

You can choose to attend or not. Whatever suits you and your immediate family in terms of how you want to spend your money/annual leave.

It’s totally ok if you and your partner don’t want to travel to Australia atm, can’t afford it or don’t think it’s worth it for a family holiday right now.

I do think that it’s rather shit for you personally if your DP is happy to travel to Australia for a family holiday which coincides with your friend’s wedding, but won’t take on solo child care for one day so you can attend YOUR friend’s wedding.

I would get it if you were mutual friends and were being excluded as a couple after massive travel, but it seems that you alone are the friend and that you would be otherwise willing to travel apart from your child’s and DP’s attendance on that one day…

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

Oh come on! That's a ridiculous extrapolation

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

This is ridiculous.

Your children are your priority, no one else's. God forbid someone plans their wedding without taking your children into consideration... with that entitled attitude, I doubt you were missed at those weddings.

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

Wtf. No normal person would say this!

I wouldn’t worry about politely declining. I would assume that she will expect you to decline. That’s a huge trip with a young child (who if they are 2 you will have to buy a ticket for) even if you were able to arrange a suitable babysitter for the wedding. Add in covid and all the changing restrictions it’s a risk to book flights etc right now. I think she will understand.

Why are you asking us? Get in touch with the bride - YOUR FRIEND! - and have a chat with her then bring up the "no children" thing and tell her you'd love to be at her wedding.

There's not really much we strangers can do! LOL!

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

Sorry I tried to read this but couldn’t get to the end

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

This is the worst advice I have read in a long time.

You say sorry you can’t attend, wish them well and send a token gift.

Like a normal human being

I am a bit fed up of people who think it is ok to ban kids!!

It is okay not to want kids at your wedding…but it’s equally okay not to want to go to a wedding because you don’t want to leave your kids. If everyone could accept this, I think a lot of stress would be removed from weddings…!

@bonetiredwithtwins

If you had a baby "early last year" that makes the baby 1 now....when is the wedding? If it's the summer then feasibly they could be 18 months old? What about the dad? He can't have the child for a few days?

Yes, this. Dad, grandparent, great friend, sister…? If you want to do something badly enough there’s always a solution. If you don’t really 100% want to go, then you won’t find a solution. She isn’t obliged to invite your child. You aren’t obliged to go. But I am sometimes surprised when people can’t seem to manage to continue with social events after they have a child. It’s about choice. You choose to find a solution or you don’t, depending on what your real preference is.

How old will your baby be when the wedding comes round if your baby was born early last year? couldn’t you leave the baby with a family member for 2- 3 days?

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming.
If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part.
It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

worst advice ever… just odd

@Mammyloveswine

Whens the wedding? Your baby is one so no longer a babe in arms.. how old will they be at the time of the wedding? Could you make a holiday out of it and DP keep the little one so you can attend?

OP said upthread that it'll be her DDs 2nd birthday the same week as the wedding.

I was in the exact same situation. We thought about flying my parents or the ILs over to look after my 5 month & 2 year old (I know quite a few ppl frequently flying parents in to look after dc when attending overseas weddings) but decided it was too much of a favour to ask.
My dh said he would just look after our dc in the hotel room while I attend the wedding alone & I can pop up to breastfeed whenever.
I excitedly told my friend our decision & booked everything. He immediately apologised for overlooking my situation (obviously he knew I had a baby but the poor guy also had a big overseas wedding to plan & I guess he just didn't really think much about it). Within a week he came back & said my dh & I should attend with my 2 LOs & even gave us a children's menu to choose from for our 2 year old.
In the wedding we were the only ones with dc but we still had the best time. Everyone adored my dc. dd danced lots with everyone on the dance floor. I popped back to the room multiple times to breastfeed but wasn't a problem at all. Dh brought the children to bed around 10.30 & I stayed up until the end 3am-ish. Best wedding ever!
Don't let the no children policy get in the way. Speak to your dh, speak to your friend or even your parents/ILs if you want to.

We had no kids at ours but hired a room at the wedding venue with an experienced nanny to look after the kids that had to attend..it worked really well as the parents were able to enjoy the wedding but also able to pop back and check on the kids and put them to bed etc..

@AliRowe54

Yes. That’s what I would say too. I am a bit fed up of people who think it is ok to ban kids!!

@AliRowe54 I am fed up with people who think it's not ok to ban kids. Weddings are an adult function. Kids don't belong at weddings. I side eye anyone who thinks they do.

@Graphista If you worked in the wedding industry surely you'd know what a disaster kids at weddings can be and why weddings and kids are incompatible.

@Bertiebiscuit

She has no idea about babies , yet, does she? Obviously you can't go, just tell her - one day if she is lucky enough to become a mother she will understand, if not she's not that good a friend is she. Only do what you want to do

@Bertiebiscuit You are insinuating only childless couples have no kid weddings. You have absolutely no idea. Most no child weddings are held by older couples or couples who already have children. But they still know that weddings and children do not mix.

@Morgysmum

Just say, sorry I have a lovely baby, that you don't like, so we aren't coming. If she says she does like your child, yoy want to say, no you don't because of the no child part. It annoys me when people say no children, I haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, because every time it was no children, but my mum was invited, so there goes my child care, his parents live to far away, for a few hours child care.

@Morgysmum What an ignorant and spitefully immature comment, just the type of self indulgent and entitled comment that I've become used to hearing from some mothers. Just because one recognises that children and weddings do not mix doesn't mean they don't like your child. It just means they recognise Adults Only events and that a wedding is not appropriate for children. Also it's selfish of the adult because no child wants to sit still at a table for hours. I think people who think children belong at weddings clearly don't understand children very well. It's because I understand children, and being a mother as well, that I have the maturity, clarity and common sense to realise children and weddings never mix.

@Bertiebiscuit

She has no idea about babies , yet, does she? Obviously you can't go, just tell her - one day if she is lucky enough to become a mother she will understand, if not she's not that good a friend is she. Only do what you want to do

Ha! How patronising. My sister has 3 kids. Got married last year. No kid policy. Because she knows weddings aren't for children. And everyone was happy to go and enjoy themselves. Anyone who didn't want to go, didn't. Simple.

It is not the bride and grooms issue that some parents do not want to leave their children for a couple of hours. That's the parents issue, not theirs.

Also, why does it shock parents that some ppl might find their kids annoying! You may find them adorable on the dance floor but i can guarantee a lot of other people want them to quit running about and getting in everyone's way.

@Bertiebiscuit

She has no idea about babies , yet, does she? Obviously you can't go, just tell her - one day if she is lucky enough to become a mother she will understand, if not she's not that good a friend is she. Only do what you want to do

How condescending.

The OP has already said her Daughter will be turning 2 the same week as the wedding - she isn't a baby. Plenty of people would be happy to leave their 2yo's for a few days so it's not "obvious" she wouldn't attend and it's got nothing to do with having 'No idea about babies'

The OP doesn't need to attend and that's absolutely okay but it's ridiculous to say she's not a good friend because she dared to invite someone with a 2 yo 🙄