Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding overseas , no kids... what am i supposed to do

453 replies

SunnySideUp2020 · 11/01/2022 15:18

A good friend is having her wedding on the other side of the world.
We had been talking about how exciting it will be to reunite for the special occasion since she got engaged in the summer.

I just received the invite. It says no kids...
and I had a baby early last year. She will be too young to stay with anyone especially in a foreign country.

What am i supposed to say? Sorry cant come because i have a baby? I mean she knows I do!!!

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 13/01/2022 09:44

DH looks after your 2 year old whilst you go to the wedding. If she’s your friend, seems silly you miss out purely because of childcare when your DH can do it. Either you treat it as a holiday and just take a day out for the wedding, or you travel alone.

Momicrone · 13/01/2022 09:49

Toooldtobeagoth - as I said earlier, it didn't bother me when that rule was broken

Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 09:49

@Momicrone

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them
@Momicrone Babies and kids screaming and being hyperactive and bumping into things and taking food that's been accounted for, etc etc and you honestly feel the bride doesn't 'need to get upset' about that? Are you for real?
anon12345678901 · 13/01/2022 09:56

@Momicrone

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them
They can if the guests are expressly told no children. For someone to bring a child knowing the bride and groom, whose day it is, have stated no children, is entitled and selfish and quite shitty behaviour.
CorneliusVetch · 13/01/2022 09:58

@Momicrone

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them
This is such a bizarre thing to say. Presumably couples say no kids for a reason. Yours might have been table numbers but for many others it’s because they want an adult only event. And even if someone brings a sleeping well behaved quiet little one that no one notices (which is a big IF), it also causes problems because other guests will start getting huffy and thinking “why could they bring their child and not me”, which will stress the bride and groom out.

I had kids at my wedding but honestly, taking children without permission to a no kids one makes someone a selfish cunt.

TooOldToBeAGoth · 13/01/2022 10:21

@Momicrone

Toooldtobeagoth - as I said earlier, it didn't bother me when that rule was broken
Are you the OP’s friend?
ellyeth · 13/01/2022 10:27

I would just say I'm very sorry and disappointed but I can't leave my baby.

I know it is the bride and groom's wedding day but I really think this sort of attitude is inconsiderate. Why are weddings so hyped-up these days anyway?

SallyGoLucky · 13/01/2022 10:27

@Momicrone

Equally a bride doesn't need to get upset if they do bring them
Wise up.
SallyGoLucky · 13/01/2022 10:30

Anyone else noticed all you hear on this site is people giving off absolute stink about being invited to weddings, that don't particularly suit their exact wants/needs? Then disguising their entitlement by pretending the bride and groom will be annoyed if they don't go..,,,, YET you hardly ever see actual stories of the bride and groom being annoyed?

The likelihood is in so many of these cases is that your are just 1 person on their invite list. You won't be missed. Get over yourself

TooOldToBeAGoth · 13/01/2022 10:31

Exactly this

UniversalAunt · 13/01/2022 10:36

It’s an invitation, not a legal summons or command.

RSVP as soon as you can with ‘Thanks for the invitation, but me & baby cannot make it. Wishing you all the best for a lovely day!’

Be quick & clear in your reply to the invitation.

UniversalAunt · 13/01/2022 10:37

..or baby & I cannot make it.

appleturnovers · 13/01/2022 11:32

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@Graphista If you worked in the wedding industry surely you'd know what a disaster kids at weddings can be and why weddings and kids are incompatible.[/quote]
Well that's a rather judgemental statement.

No, a certain kind of wedding and kids are incompatible. If you want a really posh, formal, expensive do in a swish venue and you're a bit of a perfectionist then young kids might not be compatible with that, but if you have a more relaxed family orientated wedding and you're not bothered by the odd baby noise during the ceremony then the kids add to it and make it a more fun and joyful. Believe it or not there are still people who see weddings as primarily family events and want their whole family there whatever their ages.

MabelsApron · 13/01/2022 11:44

@RedHot22

Why does everyone keep going on about it being a ‘destination Wedding’? The OP has not specifically said this.

Still go abs enjoy your holiday OP. It’s too far to take a family member. Ask you friend if she can advise you about local childcare options

MN hates brides that have overseas weddings and brides that have child-free weddings. I suspect OP used the wording she did to imply a destination wedding, to make her friend look really unreasonable.
MabelsApron · 13/01/2022 11:48

My favourite part of wedding threads on MN is how smug and nasty people are about how nobody else should have to do anything whatsoever for someone else's "big day", because the marriage isn't interesting to anyone except the couple.

Then you get a thread about Christmas leave and MN is all, "my colleagues should have to work Christmas so that I can be off because it's a big day for my children!"

MN is a smug mummies club. I sometimes wonder why I bother with it (probably because AIBU is so entertaining).

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 12:04

@UniversalAunt

..or baby & I cannot make it.
Baby wasn’t invited so why would you reference this on the RSVP?

It is just incredibly passive aggressive

Larryyourwaiter · 13/01/2022 12:29

The thing really is she is expecting DH to travel to Australia for a wedding he’s not going to, at a time that doesn’t suit him.
Or for OP to travel to Australia alone, at huge expense and no holiday.

PocketRocket12 · 13/01/2022 12:30

Yes. That’s what you say. It’s so hard, especially when your baby is so young and you do feel like you’re missing out - I felt like that for the first 1.5 years of my son’s life. But the details of their wedding (including child free or not) are totally up to the couple. She will understand. X

Mum233 · 13/01/2022 12:33

I fell out with a friend as her wedding was in the UK but around my due date. In the end I gave birth the day before her wedding so wouldn’t have been up for going. She didn’t understand sadly.

WakeUpLockie · 13/01/2022 12:35

@Mum233 you thought she should have scheduled her wedding around your pregnancy? Or she thought you should have scheduled your pregnancy around her wedding?

SallyGoLucky · 13/01/2022 12:40

@MabelsApron 100% agree the wording in the OPs post was deliberate so ensure siding with her. And it worked, as majority haven't even bothered to read and realise the person getting married is getting married on their home country where they live. Also, the OP was fine with travelling with a young child such a distance, mentions they had intended to "drop in" to the wedding whilst making the trip a holiday... but now has essentially taken the hump because god forbid her friend doesn't want a 2 year old running around. So all of a sudden, the travel might be too much actually!

SallyGoLucky · 13/01/2022 12:43

@Larryyourwaiter

The thing really is she is expecting DH to travel to Australia for a wedding he’s not going to, at a time that doesn’t suit him. Or for OP to travel to Australia alone, at huge expense and no holiday.
Just because you get an invite to a wedding does not mean the couple expect you to do anything!! They are simply letting you know that you are welcome on the day. That's all. People who get so worked up and are all I hate being forced to use leave, I hate being forced to go somewhere I don't want to go etc etc, no, you're not being forced to do anything. If you don't want to go, don't go. The day wasn't planned with you specifically in mind. Shockingly. I find it so odd how indignant ppl get about a wedding invite!! can only imagine how they'd react to being left off the invite list too.
newname12345 · 13/01/2022 12:59

@SallyGoLucky but now has essentially taken the hump because god forbid her friend doesn't want a 2 year old running around. So all of a sudden, the travel might be too much actually!

The way I read it is the issue is arranging a family holiday around an event that the family isn't invited to.

If I was her DP I don't think I would be that impressed.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/01/2022 13:02

@Larryyourwaiter

The thing really is she is expecting DH to travel to Australia for a wedding he’s not going to, at a time that doesn’t suit him. Or for OP to travel to Australia alone, at huge expense and no holiday.
I have been invited to several overseas weddings. Some destination and some in my friends home countries. I have never gone to any because it wasn’t convenient for me.

No hard feelings either way. No one expected me to do anything apart from rsvp.

It was simply an invitations, I was no the mother of the bride

SallyGoLucky · 13/01/2022 13:08

[quote newname12345]**@SallyGoLucky* but now has essentially taken the hump because god forbid her friend doesn't want a 2 year old running around. So all of a sudden, the travel might be too much actually!*

The way I read it is the issue is arranging a family holiday around an event that the family isn't invited to.

If I was her DP I don't think I would be that impressed.[/quote]
I'm just struggling to see the big deal to be honest. If they are super close, I'd be going and getting my husband to look after my child for a few hours. Would be delighted to see my friend get married, and also the chance of a holiday with my husband and child.

If they're not actually that close, I wouldn't go. And it would be a very simple, aw im sure it'll be a fab day, but we just can't with the little one, but thank you.

Given the fact the OP and her friend haven't actually had a discussion about this, and instead OP has come onto here looking the validation of strangers... they aren't that close. So should be easy enough for her not to go!