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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve accidentally made myself UR to my 6yo, WWYD?

236 replies

DentistOrNoDentist · 11/01/2022 09:35

6yo does an activity on Tuesday nights, she absolutely loves the activity, gets excited while eating her breakfast, talks about it all day at school, and would happily skip school to go (she doesn’t really like school).

She’s due a checkup at the dentist, she’s been due one for over a year but covid meant she wasn’t invited for one until a few weeks ago.

Called the dentist and the only appointment they had for 3 months was tonight and they couldn’t guarantee the one in 3 months wouldn’t be a Tuesday so I took it.

Explained to 6yo that she’d miss her activity tonight due to the dentist appointment and she cried, proper sobbing heartbroken tears. Then didn’t mention it again.

This morning she gets up excited about her activity, reminded her about her dentist appointment and she broke down crying again, pleading with me to let her go to her activity. I explained that the dentist only had this appointment or we’d have to wait 3 months and she begged me to cancel it and rebook for 3 months (who knows if it might be longer now though it’s the only NHS dentist for 10 miles).

She needs her checkup, she’s started loosing her teeth since her last one and sometimes complains of pain in wobbly teeth – I’m not concerned as such but do want it looked at (my mum claims both me and my brother got occasional pain in wobbly teeth hence why I’m not overly worried but still want it checking).

She does another activity at the weekends that she does enjoy but the Tuesday activity stopped over Christmas and New Year and due to covid isolation that clashed with the last session of 2021 she hasn’t been for 4 weeks so I get her heartbreak over it for her. But she needs the dentist appointment, and I’ve always said hobbies and activities should never be at the expense of education or health.

She’s gone crying into school, begging me one last time to please try and change the appointment.

So WWYD? Ring and change in the hope I get something sooner than 3 months away or take her tonight and deal with potential fall out?

For added context: I’m a single parent, just me her and our pets at home. ExH doesn’t see her as often as the court order stipulates and has messed her around over Christmas (saw her Christmas Day but not since even though he was supposed to see her twice since then) and she struggles with that so I do think that’s feeding into her worries.

Vote:
YANBU - Go to the Dentist
YABU - Cancel and take DD to her activity

OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 11/01/2022 12:39

I'd say dentist can wait. Painful wobbly teeth are normal.
You've made a commitment to both her and the organisation running the activity and it's not fair to let either down.

Original poster
DentistOrNoDentist · 11/01/2022 12:40

Have sent an email to the person who runs the activity (had already done it when I made the appointment) and they're fine with it - will email again if we don't make any of it tonight and see if there's a space in another group just for this week.

OP posts:
bendmeoverbackwards · 11/01/2022 12:42

I would also be wary about forcing her her go. I have a dental phobic dd and being too heavy handed with attendance when she was young did not help. It’s important to create a positive experience, you don’t want her to refuse in the future. There is also a school of thought that says 6 monthly appointments are too frequent for many people. I know we were lucky but my dental phobic dd didn’t have a check up for over a decade. Her teeth were perfectly healthy when she eventually agreed to be seen.

Yes dental health is important but pushing too hard can sometimes do more harm than good.

inappropriateraspberry · 11/01/2022 12:48

Tough shit. Take her to the dentist. She'll go again next week. Good life lesson for her.

Thelnebriati · 11/01/2022 12:55

The worst thing you can do is try to make the dentist fun, the first time it isn't fun for them it will backfire. Kids can learn that we do medical appointments because its better to get it over with short term, and gain the benefit long term. You can treat them afterwards for getting through it.

booksandballet · 11/01/2022 13:04

@Theblacksheepandme

Children need to have disappointments in life. We can't let our children go through life constantly trying to make sure they don't get upset by things. My daughter had something cancelled during the start of covid that was years in the planning. It has been cancelled three times now. She handled it really well because I never wrapped her up in cotton wool. My family and friends couldn't believe how well she handled it. Don't get me wrong she was bitterly disappointed but how she handled it also made things easier for us also.

I saw other kids have melt downs during this time due to cancelled weekends away etc. I am not saying that it is not ok to be upset but it is all about how badly they handle the upset. This is the start of perhaps sitting down with her and explaining in a 6 year old way about stuff like this.

This. Small children often live in the moment and struggle to grasp that one activity being cancelled isn't a calamity, because next week feels like it might as well be next year to them. The only way they develop their reasoning abilities is through experiencing these little disappointments and discovering for themselves that the world doesn't end and the activity will still be there next week.
Thirtytimesround · 11/01/2022 13:10

For a checkup I’d postpone. It’s extremely unlikely that ahe needs any treatment and 3 months is not so long.

Thirtytimesround · 11/01/2022 13:11

Children have had such a tough time during covid and honestly I think their mental health is more important than a check up for milk teeth.

clarehhh · 11/01/2022 13:11

Go to the dentist, non negotiable as you say hard to get appointments.

WheekestLink · 11/01/2022 13:13

@Thirtytimesround

Children have had such a tough time during covid and honestly I think their mental health is more important than a check up for milk teeth.
Exactly.
mam0918 · 11/01/2022 13:14

I wouldn't have booked the dentist if I knew it would upset them that much.

It's just a basic check up not a medical emergency, they are literally just suggested routine time frames not a medical need.

BettyOBarley · 11/01/2022 13:17

Dentist.
Don't worry too much, in a couple of days she'll be over it and excited about next week's class. It's only one week.

bananabuddy3 · 11/01/2022 13:21

Come on now, missing an activity once is not going to damage a child’s mental health.
Nor will it make her hate the dentist forever.
Sounds like OP is keeping her appointment. Good. She will survive the experience. She will have a treat after and whilst it will feel like the end of the world today and maybe tomorrow, she will return to looking forward to it as normal and life will go on.
Minor hiccups in life like this will help her learn to cope as life goes on and the hiccups get bigger. A treat for getting on with it, of course. But come on now this isn’t a great act of cruelty here.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/01/2022 13:26

Definitely Dentist, she will get over it

bendmeoverbackwards · 11/01/2022 13:29

@Thirtytimesround

Children have had such a tough time during covid and honestly I think their mental health is more important than a check up for milk teeth.
Yes this. Some parents are far too inflexible, it’s an important life lesson to be kind too.
twominutesmore · 11/01/2022 13:31

You've done the right thing. I'm a teacher and you can tell the difference between the kids who have been taught to deal with disappointment and those who have been protected from it.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/01/2022 13:36

Dentist

You tried and it can't reasonably be fixed. She'll get over missing the activity and at 6 she needs to learn to accept sometimes things just can't happen and just one missed week isn't the end of the world she is making it out to be. It is a good lesson to start learning.

Goldi321 · 11/01/2022 13:37

This is an important life lesson for her. Sometimes in life we have to cancel things we enjoy to do things we must do (like healthcare appointments). You helping her through this disappointment will be much better than cancelling the appointment and never learning that lesson. Harsh, maybe, but necessary to create well adjusted future adults!

ImagineThereAre890 · 11/01/2022 13:47

Off topic - what does UR mean in this context?
I have made myself UR...Unreasonable?

Alittlepotofrosie · 11/01/2022 13:49

Blimey. What a lot of fuss over nothing.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 11/01/2022 13:50

@twominutesmore

You've done the right thing. I'm a teacher and you can tell the difference between the kids who have been taught to deal with disappointment and those who have been protected from it.
You're a teacher and know some kids who haven't faced missing out on activities, or meeting relatives, or meeting friend in the last 2 years? Really?!?!?! Who are these kids???
BoredZelda · 11/01/2022 13:57

Dentist. I wouldn’t even be going down the big treat route.

Mama1980 · 11/01/2022 13:58

How agog just go to the dentist. These things happen, no need to for a treat or to make up for it. A little disappointment won't hurt her and there's always next week to look forward to - just be matter of fact about it.

BoredZelda · 11/01/2022 13:58

Children have had such a tough time during covid and honestly I think their mental health is more important than a check up for milk teeth.

Can we stop using Covid as an excuse to pander to kids who actually, haven’t had it that bad really.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 11/01/2022 13:59

She needs to go the dentist.

She's six - she's allowed to be upset and disappointed, but IMO it's not her place to decide whether she goes to the dentist or not. I mean, what happens if the next appointment is a Tuesday? Will she be allowed to cry and skip that one too?

As for people saying children have missed enough with COVID - that may be true, but how long should OP allow her DD to miss out on important appointments as a result? Three months? Six moths? A year?

It's half an hour out of her life - she'll be absolutely fine to miss it just this once.