Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

I also feel the op is a bit agreived at the brother deciding what's safe and what's not.

@Longcovid21

I was waiting for that response *@madeofstarstuff*. However its a bit shit if they never want to help ever again. I only ask once every year or so.

Once a year is fine, but 5 days in one go is quite a lot.

Maybe by April things will be better and they will feel differently.

Could their father's family help?

@3scape

Hugely unreasonable to have ever been relying on family like this. If you need childcare you need to arrange something for it and take responsibility. Your parents shouldn't be still running around after you. You've left home I take it?

It’s so interesting the divide on here. In my family, ‘relying on family’ is exactly what you do. For everything. My (adult) children can rely on the fact that we will still do absolutely everything to help them out when they need it. And as a result, they will always do everything they can to help us. Our adult DC also have a close relationship with each other built by always showing up for each other. Our grandchildren are being taught the same and their bond with each other, and with us, and their aunts and uncles is so so close.

I would be so sad if we couldn’t rely on each other.

How old are the children?
If very young it is a lot harder than older children at school.

I have sympathy. However I would just like my in-laws to actually see their grandchildren outside for a walk. Not even done that since the pandemic began. I don't think that my children would recognise any of the grandparents from that side of the family now.

(In-laws have managed to go in holiday abroad etc.)

OP you sound like Julia in Motherland. Childcare is for you and your DH to sort out, your parents aren't obliged to do it. I understand it's annoying if they used to help out but life changes.

Had you not mentioned a focus on childcare in the thread title I think you’d have got a different response. We are in the same position. DS had a good relationship with GP - they saw him once a week for an hour after school and we saw them / had outings/walks/meals around that. In two years we’ve not had quality time with them and they’ve not seen DS without us there - and then only outside their door. It’s so tough not having that childcare emergency backup but much more than that it feels like DS has lost them and they’ve lost him. As adults we can spend lots of time on phone calls and standing outside their door chatting. DS can’t and their conversation is so limited to what’s happened inside their house as their life is now that small it’s hard for DS to engage.

I get that they are afraid, but I miss them and DS misses them. From a “childcare” point of view it isn’t that I want them to wear themselves out in school holidays/do pickups etc, I want the reassurance that if my mum collapsed and I needed to go to her my DS would have someone to stay with while I managed that situation without the trauma of him tagging along (she’s in not good health). Not having that backup, even if we don’t use it, is scary.

My parents and in laws would be happy to provide occasional childcare but unfortunately they both live too far away. If they've had their vaccines there shouldn't be a problem and if/when I ever have grandkids I'll help out as much as possible, health permitting. To me grandchildren are an extension of your own kids and I'd want to be in their lives.

In the nicest possible way you are biohazards to your parents you DC is a nursery or school they are mixing with lots of people

My parents no longer help and tbh I wouldn't ask them as I feel it is too risky

@phishy

YANBU, OP. It doesn’t around like they’re vulnerable.

If they can’t help with childcare for one week in a whole fucking year then I wouldn’t help them either.

I bet you do do things for them?

What a selfish attitude! They don't necessarily need to be vulnerable to feel vulnverable.

Any why do people with children automatically assume their parents have an obligation to provide childcare ffs? That's very selfish too; if you choose to have kids, make the decision based on your ability to care for them, not relying on your parents to do so.

I would hate to be your child @phishy - life must be a series of quid pro quo for them if they only get favours if they do you a favour...

For all those talking about age, I am a fit 61 year old. I intend to retire in a couple of years. If i am able I will help in emergencies and for babysitting. I have no wish to spend my retirement looking after small children however much I may love them. By the time I finish work I'll have worked for 36 years and the 7 years I had as a SAHM were the most physically demanding of all. I am looking forward to pottering, lunches, book club, gardening and more time in France.

My views are possibly tempered by the fact my mother and MIL did very little to help.

Your elderly parents presumably brought you up. Your job is to bring up your own children.

@wtaf37

You know nothing about my life. I’m a carer to my elderly mum whilst working full time and with my own family.

Doesn’t mean I can’t see that OP is struggling and needs help for just 1 week out of a whole year.

And I’m glad I don’t know you let alone related to you.

Your parents owe you nothing OP ! They didn't even owe you to look after you when you were a child - let alone supporting you now with your own children.

I can't believe you think you're actually entitled to anything from your parents.

I am obviously being sarcastic. One generation helps out the next. When they're old and frail, you'll help them too.

As to your current problem, wait for things to die down a bit. At the moment there's a lot of covid around. So I do understand they're worried about their health as they're older. A few months and things might be a bit less scary for them. I have older relatives- my parents and they have not stopped doing anything they want to do. They won't let covid stop them and they simply refuse to live like that. I have other relatives - actually younger ones, who are on voluntary quarantine for two years now, as they're so scared to catch it. It really depends on the person.

@Candyss

I mean, in real life, those who have a relationship with their parents do get help with their kids. I feel it is only on here that there is feigned outrage at the idea of a grandparent ever looking after their grandchildren even if it is only on a rare occasion. almost a how dare you have children and then ask for help.

however, if they are genuinely that scared of COVID, then the media did their job a gooden didnt they.

This. It's just mind boggling. I feel really sorry for people who have families like this. It sounds so cold and unloving to me.

@Spanielsarepainless

Your elderly parents presumably brought you up. Your job is to bring up your own children.

Surely that’s the point the OP is making that her grandparents had a big role in bringing her up. For many families this is completely the norm and I spent huge amounts of time with both sets of my grandparents as I was growing up. There simply wasn’t childcare available for normal working families in the 1970s .

I have been very lucky my children now grown up have spent lots of time with grandparents who have readily provided childcare, for which I am very grateful. Now they are vulnerable my children cannot do enough for them . Even those who no longer live at home or are at university call them regularly to check up on them and chat . We are not just a family we are a team, a supportive unit where give and take us important.

but during term time i have a hefty childcare bill, me and my sister ask my mum when she will slow down with work dropping a day to look after grandchildren, she says she would love to but cannot afford to.*
You both asked her to slow down in work dropping a day to look after grandchildren unpaid, that is very cheeky.

I worked all my life with children and loved it. However, I'm 72 now and wouldn't have the energy to look after my grandchildren for longer than about an hour, so I wouldn't be surprised if that has some bearing on your parent's refusal as well.

How old are your kids? If they’re in school then there is a big covid risk to your parents who are vulnerable. Yes maybe they’re being a bit over-cautious but you need to respect their choices. You never know, come April they may feel differently.

It's horrible to read some of the opinions here, about gp who don't feel able to look after their gc for extended periods.

Surely it is obvious that different people have different ailments, energy levels, illnesses and mental capacity.

Whilst some are active and healthy and thrive on children's noise and chaos, many will worry about the responsibility, their ability to handle an emergency and so on, and may be physically drained afterwards.

If they were shit parents, fair enough, criticise away. But if they were good parents who simply don't feel up to providing childcare as they get older then that's to be respected imo.

No, my mum has never ever wanted to do any childcare. Which is fine BUT her mother -my grandmother would do a world of free childcare for her. Care for me and my siblings during school holidays, before / after school, evenings, weekends etc. It’s not that my grandma didn’t work either, she did in her younger days and more than my mum. So to me it’s the height of hypocrisy. Needless to say l have sky high boundaries with my mum when she wants me to do things

I wouldn't expect routine childcare from my parents at that age but I don't see why they couldn't have dc on the odd occasion.
More than a couple days would be too much I think though depending on their fitness levels.

My 60s in laws regularly look after our 19 month old ds and haven't caught covid, he also goes to an nhs nursery and has been for the past year. Your risk is just the same as going to a shop to be honest and I bet they still go shopping.

Also - the enforced isolation of the pandemic may have seen some gp lose confidence in their childcare abilities. It's use it or lose it. They may look back at how hard it was and wonder how they ever did it and not be enthusiastic about starting up again.

And expecting gp to give up paid work to provide childcare for free is cf imo.

At least you know now Op so have time to organise something.

Maybe covid has made them realise they have limited time and opportunity to live their lives as they want to.

IMO age can make a big difference. I was 67 when the first Gdc arrived, 6 years on there are now 3. I did some regular childcare for the first, but not since, though I willingly do quite a few one-offs. Unless they were all at school, I don’t mind admitting that I’d find a whole week of younger children utterly exhausting.

After a week of emergency help with just one toddler a few years ago, when a younger one was in hospital, I was wiped out, immediately succumbed to a stinking cold, followed straightaway by shingles. I still put that down to sheer exhaustion.

An elder sister who gave a lot of childcare help in her 50s, said she’d never have been able to do the same 15- 20 years down the line.