Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

@Longcovid21 That's very harsh not having any free time as a single parent.
Is there any local teenagers who could help out on the very cheap.
Or if you have the space rent a room on the cheap to a student with the expectation of some childcare.

Any why do people with children automatically assume their parents have an obligation to provide childcare ffs? That's very selfish too; if you choose to have kids, make the decision based on your ability to care for them, not relying on your parents to do so

Jesus wept, when my DDs have children I hope I can help with childcare. It wouldn't be their assumption but mine. I wouldn't do it 24/7 but one day a week and baby sitting of an evening would not be out of the question.

I don't think the OP is asking for a lot really.

@Longcovid21 - I have zero family around me. All of them are thousands of miles away from where we live.
My DH has a job where he would travel a lot abroad - when DD was a baby, he would be more often not here rather than available. I went a week with a very bad kidney infection, with a fever so high I was almost delirious, pains and was so week I couldn't even lift her properly so I was changing her on the floor as I was afraid I will drop her absolutely on my own.
Had to make all arrangements with both, work and childcare, when he was away, take time off when she was ill etc.
It taught me to rely on nobody for help - if I want or need something, I have to arrange it myself, otherwise it's not happening.

My DP have never given any childcare help, they certainly wouldn't now. Compared with how much DM's parents helped with us and how much they helped a sibling it's frustrating. That's just how it is unfortunately though, some aren't interested and you just have to accept that. April is a long time away; do the DC have any friends whose parents you could talk to about some help that week? Maybe a few parents to spread the load out?

OK your husband goes away sometimes and you're trying to compare it to being a single mother with no support. Hard fail @EerieSilence

It taught me to rely on nobody for help - if I want or need something, I have to arrange it myself, otherwise it's not happening.

Out of interest is that how you want your DD to feel when she's an adult?

I can't imagine not wanting to help my children out with childcare if I am able to in the future. Especially if they only ask once a year!

What does a single mum do when there’s no family to support - even a single mum with months to “arrange’? I have a partner and no backup so I have the luxury of cover if I need it but I’m not sure what those saying make other arrangements mean? Ask a person the child doesn’t know?

@Longcovid21

OK your husband goes away sometimes and you're trying to compare it to being a single mother with no support. Hard fail *@EerieSilence*

You've said you have an ex-DP with whom you are in communication about your childcare, so not unsupported, in name, at least.

It's not the childcare that's the issue it's their (correct) concern about covid. Children are at high risk of catching and passing on the virus and older people are more at risk. I think you're unreasonable to expect them to shelve their concern about a dangerous virus just so you can have free childcare. Parental childcare is a bonus not a right.

@HardbackWriter - it can be anything. Even arrange with work to have the business trip later.
Not sure about where OP works but in every corp I worked so far, arrangements were made for single parents so they could travel when they could organise alternative childcare. There's no shame in telling your employer that.

@Longcovid21- sometimes would mean at least every second week or week, which might stretch during the weekend too, depending on meeting schedule.

@Longcovid21

OK your husband goes away sometimes and you're trying to compare it to being a single mother with no support. Hard fail *@EerieSilence*

Agreed OP

@Longcovid21 quite a few posters have asked how old the DC are, I'd like to add my request in too. Also how many children do you have?

2 dcs aged 6 and 10

@phishy - I will just copy and paste what I wrote above:

Sometimes would mean at least every second week or week, which might stretch during the weekend too, depending on meeting schedule.

Especially in the first years of DD's life, she would always lean on me as DH was almost a stranger, barely there. I was on maternity leave for year, then I went back to work. I had to organise everything, even my sport schedule around it (forget gym, went for a run during lunch break and ate at the desk while working, etc.).
I was the one to arrange her childcare, creche, school, extra-curricular activities, shopping etc., while being at work or at home with her. I actually had to give him lists with contacts and arrangements and inform him who is who and where is what as he had no clue, didn't blame him, he couldn't do it. The only time I had for myself most of the time were half an hour journey in the car in the morning and the same in the evening. So absolutely no hard fail as I had to cope with no support at all from anyone around me as no family and a husband who would be absent most of the time due to the nature of his work.

OP, COVID has hit people in your situation really hard. Because if this sort of thing. I feel for you.

But I can also see your parents’ POV. In stark terms, you ARE a sort of biohazard to them. They clearly still care about you and the kids because they come and spend time outdoors.

But you say they are vulnerable, snd all they see and hear in the news is huge scary headlines. Infection levels! Does the booster wear off! Everyone infected, just protect the vulnerable! Etc etc.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be frustrated and angry that life is so hard, I don’t think it is personal to you that they feel scared and vulnerable.

My husband works away half the year so I'm on my own with our 3 year old and our 10 year old who has additional needs but very independent. My parents do not help. I was hospitalised several months ago under an emergency admission while my husband was away and my parents didn't want to watch my children so I could go into hospital. My GP was trying to organise emergency care for my children until my husband could get home the next day. My parents said it would interrupt any plans they may make. They did eventually take them when I put GP on loudspeaker who explained the seriousness of the situation but they were not happy, said I could wait until my husband came home, the children will miss me too much, lots of excuses. They didn't drop my eldest off at school the next morning because they didn't know how to make a packed lunch. I had emergency surgery and came home 5 days later.

I understand your frustrations. It's a horrible feeling knowing that your parents just are not there for you or your children yet I guarantee when they're less mobile or needing support they will be wanting more from you. Some people's parents just take and we as their children are expected to give.

I have dropped lots to help my parents but not since that day. I gave them everything I had but not now.

They are in their 60s, fit and able. My mum was a teacher before she retired 6 years ago.

I think something is being overlooked here, you cannot say that once people get beyond a certain age they become "incapable" it is very much down to the ages of both children and possible carers and their health and capabilities.
I am 70 and something that I feel our DC's overlook is that we are physically and emotionally less able to cope with certain things as we age. its something you just don't become aware of until you start to age. Some days you don't feel able to cope with the hassle of certain things and it would be hard to have to mind a child on those days, its not that you don;t want to help you just don't feel overall its within your capabilities that particular day. Its not just childcare there are many scenarios that can arise that you feel because you don't emotionally or physically feel up to much, you can't cope with that on that particular day.
I have many friends and contemporaries that have expressed such feelings.
Despite having 4 DC's I have no grandchildren and the possibility of ever having any fades as time goes on. I would love to be an "involved" grandmother but would hate to feel i "had" to childmind or feel obligated to do so.
(My Dc's were never looked after by grandparents it was 19 years before DH and myself went away overnight on our own after DS1 wwas born.)

I'm hearing a lot of this at work at the moment - colleagues complaining about how selfish it is that their parents won't look after their kids now that COVID is "better", especially after they had to do it all themselves during lockdown.

One particular colleague is adamant that she'd like to reduce her days from 5 to 4 as the tax consequences mean she'll barely lose out, but she won't do it unless her mum takes the kids that day as otherwise she'll spend what she saves on childcare. Any suggestion that if she's off work that day, she could look after the kids herself, is met with astonishment and frowning.

I have no contact with my parents as both of them abused me growing up, and I also can't have any kids of my own, so I find this sort of complaining quite irritating to put up with. I may well be biased, I do recognise that.

The only other person who is responsible for the kids is their father. Start with him before accusing your parents of selfishness.

Jeez I'll be 60 in a month and I still have kids in school! I've never had childcare off my parents other than odd night babysitting (they are long since passed away now).
Regardless, you are being unreasonable.
If you need to go away and your ex cannot take the kids, you pay for someone to look after your kids overnight.

@echt

I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair

Unbefuckinglievable.

This Jeezuz come on OP, seriously? How self centred can you get?

My Mum refused to provide childcare for any grandchildren on the grounds of being too old - she was 57 and already retired when her first grandchild was born .

Maybe they now find it a bit much, especially after having a gap from doing it?

And it is worrying for someone who is vulnerable - DH is CEV and we had a Covid scare with DD yesterday after cases at school. He doesn't have any choice as she's his daughter and we live in same house but I can understand a grandparent wanting to keep contact reduced to outside. Unless they're merrily going to pubs, cafes and mingling with lots of other people the rest of the time?!

Could you start looking around for alternative childcare?

I'm 68 , was classified as extremely vulnerable , was hospitalised with covid in November 2020 . I've had all my vaccinations and still pick up DGD from school 3 days a week . If I lived local to you I would have your children while you work away

If you need to go away and your ex cannot take the kids, you pay for someone to look after your kids overnight.

Who do you pay, though? Where I live there are babysitters, of course, but overnight care isn't a service that anyone offers.