Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

The children's father has 3 months to rearrange his work so that he can look after his children.

I think it's totally understandable. I wouldn't ask my elderly parents for that very reason

@HoppingPavlova

At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around.

So their hard work over 20 odd years in raising their kids to be responsible, productive, independent adults means jack all and is not appreciated if they don’t babysit after they have essentially already done their job as a parent. Righto.

But raising your own children isn't a favour you do them - it's literally the bare minimum when you decide to have children. It's a crime to not attend to your children's needs! I don't think adult children owe their parents just for being their parents. If they have a loving, mutually supportive relationship then I'd expect both sides to help each other, in a 'from their means, according to their needs' way. I think both providing childcare and providing elder care are basically supererogatory - neither side owes it to the other. So no, a grandparent doesn't have to offer to help their adult child with their DC in any way, but nor does an adult have to help care for their elderly parent.

Personally I'd much rather have the relationship where we help each other as and when we need it, but if people want to establish the other kind - 'I've done my job raising you and so now all obligations we have to each other are finished and I certainly won't be helping voluntarily!' - then that's fine and up to them, of course.

OP is getting a really hard time on here! If GP previously happily provided childcare then stop because of Covid, that's hard to deal with. Especially if the GP are basically shutting down socially, it's up to them but reduced activity is not good for the health either.

I don't like people saying GP are not there for childcare - I think you do what gives you pleasure and there's an element of paying forward help that you received as a parent. My kids have two sets of GP, both in their 70s, one set have never provided childcare and are physically less able, one set provide lots (a day a week and the odd weekend) and are still active and fit.

It's up to them but the set that provide childcare definitely get a lot out of it and have a close relationship with GC. We're always open to things changing if it gets too much for them but I would have been upset if Covid alone was a reason for stopping.

I wouldn't expect anyone to want to babysit when they are in their 70's, and that's without the added anxiety that a global pandemic brings.

My parents were 50 & 54 when I had my first, and I had my second baby the following year. They could only babysit at the weekend, as they both worked FT, and I didn't ask often because we didn't live close, but as they were in their 50's they could handle it when I did ask.

My parents were in their 70's when my sibling had children. They did babysit a bit, but found it so exhausting in a way that they didn't in their 50's.

I think you need to find alternative childcare. Even without covid, they were only going to be physically able for another year or two anyway.

I'm quite surprised that you would even want them to take this risk!

@Spanielsarepainless

Your elderly parents presumably brought you up. Your job is to bring up your own children.

OP isn't asking them to bring up her children though.

My mum and Stro dad spent loads of time with my son pre Covid. He's 14, and they have been a huge part of his life. They all enjoy time together, and now he's older this includes cooking, board games and sharing record collections.

But they are terrified of catching Covid (mid 70s, step dad in remission from cancer). They have reduced social contact and are heartbroken to have the face the fact that contact with my son statistically presents their biggest risk of catching Covid.

He is in school, in close contact with hundreds of young people each week. He's only been able to have one vaccine so far.

OP from my POV every person needs to make their own judgement call on how they choose to modify their life to manage their own perceived risk of Covid. Contact with children and young people is generally relatively risky.

I’m in my early 70’s and I look after my granddaughter quite often. I love doing it!

My Nan looked after me after School and in the holidays as well.She had a PT job doing teas for a local firm .I used to go with her! putting out cups and saucers and getting chocolate and pocket money from the staff! My Mum did babysitting ,but SD was ill and she couldnt really cope .I think a week is a long time to ask though .I was speaking to a couple when out with the dog ,they had had DGC for weekend and were totally knackered! Regardless of Covid ,they may feel unable to help so much .Everyone is different and some may be more tired than others

I can see where you are coming from.
As a single parent myself, I didn't ever have any support from any of their grandparents when they were little.
Like you, I have lots of childhood memories of my Gran looking after us as children (my mum was a stay at home mum too).

I can understand how you must be feeling as you rarely ask them to help out.
Of course they are not obliged to, and have their worries over covid, but as a single mum myself, I totally understand what you are saying.

There's some strange sub group on MN where people assume once you hit 60, you all of a sudden start physically crumbling . As I've said, both my parents are in their early 70s now. Ds is 6. When he was 5, my then 71yo father looked after him for me for nearly 11 days by himself, school runs and all. Both suffered no ill effects. My dm will have him for as long as I ask her to. She almost gets offended if I don't ask her first.

Funny? Imagine what it must be like to be 70 years old, scared of infection that may be fatal, and having children insensitive enough to find that funny. Ho ho ho.

Families are starting later, grandparents are getting older, it makes a big difference expecting grandparents to do the fun stuff on their 70/80's rather than their 50/60's.
In past generations grandparents were younger.
Everything has a time and place.

If the DC were vaccinated would they feel differently?

Mine didnt do any childcare before, I never expected them to.

My grandmother didnt do any for my mum either, like many people both my mum and I have moved away from where we grew up in order to find better employment prospects.

Any tone of being "owed" childcare is really unhelpful. Most grandparents do what they reasonably can, juggling their work commitments, health concerns and in particular at the moment, Covid threat. I'm all for people self-assessing their Covid risk and behaving accordingly. If that means you are getting less free childcare, you should understand that and not resent it or expect something different.

I would rather take my chances with covid than not see my grandchildren. They are way to precious to me. I'd take a bullet for them.

Some of us have never had parents to help us even in a blue moon due to death or illness.

I’ve cut out friends who have constantly complained to me about being tired all the time because their parents didn’t look after their children at various times. Fuck off.

I would say it’s unreasonable expecting a couple in their 70’s to help with childcare. It just seem so entitled to expect parents to help.

I know in your case it’s an occasional thing, which is fine, but it seems to be a thing for so many families, where the parents get roped into a couple of days a week.

Hugely unreasonable to have ever been relying on family like this. If you need childcare you need to arrange something for it and take responsibility. Your parents shouldn't be still running around after you. You've left home I take it?

They're hardly running around after me. I do all childcare plus work in a high profile job plus the kids are with me 365 days a year. I don't even get to go to an exercise class ever as a single parent. My parents just come and visit and waft around in one if their caravans near where I live.

I think it's that generation they had children so young and are getting a bit of life back and don't want to provide childcare. It's hard though when your stuck and have nobody to help but providing a full week of childcare would be a big ask for anyone.

If it's the end of April, you have enough time to find yourself a childcare option.
If it's about a week away, either arrange it with your parents that someone else will take over the childcare and the children will only go to sleep in their house.
Your parents don't owe you childcare, not even once in a year. You need to sort out your life around that, not presuming they will be available.

Ah .... so they are being "funny" .... funny?! What an extraordinary word to use!

They are not being funny; they are being cautious - and who can blame them? They are in a known vulnerable group and schools, where your children are, are rife with covid.

I am a grandmother and still take part in some child care of my dear GC, but my DDs do not let them near me without a negative LFT. They are concerned for my well-being and absolutely respect my right to say no if there is a situation that I am uncomfortable with. And they require no explanation.

I presume you're not a single parent @EerieSilence.... Or have never been in this situation

@EerieSilence

If it's the end of April, you have enough time to find yourself a childcare option. If it's about a week away, either arrange it with your parents that someone else will take over the childcare and the children will only go to sleep in their house. Your parents don't owe you childcare, not even once in a year. You need to sort out your life around that, not presuming they will be available.

How would that help, at all, if the issue is the covid risk?

@Longcovid21

Hugely unreasonable to have ever been relying on family like this. If you need childcare you need to arrange something for it and take responsibility. Your parents shouldn't be still running around after you. You've left home I take it?

They're hardly running around after me. I do all childcare plus work in a high profile job plus the kids are with me 365 days a year. I don't even get to go to an exercise class ever as a single parent. My parents just come and visit and waft around in one if their caravans near where I live.

How many children do you have, and what are their ages?

This might have a bearing on reactions to your plight.