Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

Sorry OP....Your parents are obviously afraid and of course they have a right to do what they feel is necessary to protect themselves. I know it makes things difficult for you, covid and childcare has been a bloody nightmare, but it isn't actually their responsibility. Assuming covid wasn't an issue it sounds like they would help, but they can't control that and like us all need to chose what they feel is the right way for them to get through the pandemic and beyond. I wouldn't hold it against them. They trying to protect themselves

I'm a single parent and have only my parents around. There's no way I'd be angry if they said no to a weeks childcare, in fact I wouldn't ask them. Not because they couldn't manage because they are in their 70's, I'm sure they could although would probably find it tiring and they aren't irrationally afraid of covid although are being careful, just not to the extent of avoiding family but I just doubt they'd want to do it. OP's parents don't want to either. Perhaps covid is only part of the reason but it's an easy one without having to get on to a deeper discussion (or perhaps have to admit they don't feel up to it) YABU OP, out of interest when your gm was doing all the childcare for your DM was she also in her 70's? And that's pandemic aside

I'm a single parent and never once have I asked or expected my parents to provide any form of childcare, so no

EerieSilence Tue 11-Jan-22 10:03:06
@phishy - I will just copy and paste what I wrote above:

Sometimes would mean at least every second week or week, which might stretch during the weekend too, depending on meeting schedule.

Especially in the first years of DD's life, she would always lean on me as DH was almost a stranger, barely there. I was on maternity leave for year, then I went back to work. I had to organise everything, even my sport schedule around it (forget gym, went for a run during lunch break and ate at the desk while working, etc.).
I was the one to arrange her childcare, creche, school, extra-curricular activities, shopping etc., while being at work or at home with her. I actually had to give him lists with contacts and arrangements and inform him who is who and where is what as he had no clue, didn't blame him, he couldn't do it. The only time I had for myself most of the time were half an hour journey in the car in the morning and the same in the evening. So absolutely no hard fail as I had to cope with no support at all from anyone around me as no family and a husband who would be absent most of the time due to the nature of his work.

-----------------

TBF, think this is the case for many Mum's, myself included. I had 2 kids aged under 5, my H was working 350 miles North of where we lived and my parents were 50 south - they were still working FT, so yes, I had to do it all, whilst working FT. In fairness, in many families the Dad can be working close to home and still 90% of the grunt work is done by the female.

Well I came on earlier to defend the grandparents but now I've seen that they're 10 and 6 I think I feel differently.

I think you talk about them in very entitled terms op, and a lot of what you say is very self centred. But at 10 and 6, I feel that they are probably not that much work and I think it's a shame then that your parents don't feel able to do more to help you.

Do you think they're frightened of opening the floodgates? Of saying yes to the odd bit of babysitting and then being asked all the time? Perhaps they think a flat 'no' is their best option.

Do you do nice things for them, help them, show appreciation when they do things for you?

As they are school age, I don't see why they can't move into your house for the week you are away and help you out.

@Longcovid21 My answer depends on if your parents are physically fit? Do they have any health or mobility issues at all? Many people in their sixties or seventies just aren’t energetic enough to care for young children for a whole week.

Can you afford to hire a nanny for the week away?

@Salahdor

What does a single mum do when there’s no family to support - even a single mum with months to “arrange’? I have a partner and no backup so I have the luxury of cover if I need it but I’m not sure what those saying make other arrangements mean? Ask a person the child doesn’t know?

I'm a single mum. Going away for a week without my dc would be out of the question until they are old enough to take care of themselves for the duration.

Well I should think your elderly parents are entitled to waft? Around in their caravan if they feel like it, and you say you mind your children 365 days a year,? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do. I think you need to be looking at the father of the children here for support and take no rubbish excuses from him,your parents reared their own family now its your turn

@BlondeDogLady - sure. I didn't write that because I am looking for a medal.
It's simply that I don't get the sense of entitlement to grandparents taking care of their grandchildren like it's something normal.

Re single parents having split from the father is the paternal family grandparents, aunts uncles also out of the picture completely

I do think if they received regular childcare themselves it’s a bit off… in my head you repay what was given to you in life.

@Confiscatedpopit

I do think if they received regular childcare themselves it’s a bit off… in my head you repay what was given to you in life.

Haha I know someone who did have a great deal of childcare help with two children, she can't cope with the grandchildren at all

My parents are in their 70's and happily provide childcare for my brothers children (9 and 6) on a regular basis. They hater not being able to see them during lockdown. They have had three vaccinations, have no underlying conditions and don't consider themselves vulnerable in any way.

I think some people are genuinely scared though, people have had so much fear instilled into them, I can see why some are anxious. Some people in their 70s are a lot less fit and healthy than others, whereas mine can easily cope with Dniece and nephew for the weekend, this would be too much for others.

@ImmediatelyNo

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please risk death to make my job easier.

After all, your mum and dad helped you, even though they weren’t risking death at the time.

Love

DD

FFS.

Could you be any more dramatic

People on here are so odd. My mum is 62. I would never think she was too old to have DD. DH's grandparents have her twice a week. They are 79 and 82!
I have my niece every Tuesday. That's what families do.

I have my niece every Tuesday. That's what families do.

It's what some families do. Everyone's circumstances are different, 'families' are all different. They do not all 'do' the same thing.

@ElliotGoss

People on here are so odd. My mum is 62. I would never think she was too old to have DD. DH's grandparents have her twice a week. They are 79 and 82! I have my niece every Tuesday. That's what families do.

You might not know this, but lots of people are different. They have illnesses, frailties and medical conditions that make some things a bit tricker than they would be for other people.

We have a grandchild whos wait for an assessment . We have to lock all external doors, remove and hide keys ditto windows. He's an escape artist has escaped school twice. We're on tenterhooks when he stays over.

Not all children are easy to care for

An additional thought. Might your DP feel better able to cope if you have a childminder or teenager take the kids to and from school, plus a few hours and dinner in the evening? Then they are just there in case of emergencies overnight and waking the kids first thing. Or could that approach make it possible for ex / someone else to help? That could feel more manageable and will be much cheaper than a night nanny.

My mum and In-laws all live abroad so I’ve never had any help with childcare but I don’t think OP is unreasonable. I don’t know how much care a 6 and 10 year old will need, it’s not as if they will be running after them really. It’s not as if she’s asking them to look after them regularly, just one week in a year.

I can understand the fear of Covid part but besides that, I can’t come to terms with most of these replies.

Can their dads family not help out ?

I do think if they received regular childcare themselves it’s a bit off… in my head you repay what was given to you in life
And indeed the parents have.
They have looked after the children before. However Covid wasnt around when ops grandparents were around
The threat of covid is very real to older people. So yet another ridiculous statement made without context.

I lost two friends in the last 4 months to covid who had no under lying health conditions. One was 66 the other was 68.
The older one had a week on a ventilator before ge did. Weeks before that he was playing with his grandkids and putting pictures of them all fishing and on the fells together. Both vaccinated.
It has put enormous stress and heartbreak on the family.
Would I do that to my parents. Would I heck.
In ops shoes I would be expecting ex to take leave and parent his children.
Next option would be asking sibling for support.
Even half share between sibling and ex
Failing that I would be asking social services for a list of approved child minders that can do overnight
Failing that i would be asking school friends if they could stop over. Even share care between sibling/ ex and a friend.

What would you do if you didnt have parents or if your parents were in an elderly home. You would be looking for alternative solutions.

@hangrylady Yes, I could be more dramatic and what of it?

However is it both my disdain and disgust that I find to be rising at the moment, rather than my propensity for drama.

But here goes….

Your parents won’t be able to babysit ever again if they’re dead OP.

Or

Start saving now OP for the therapy your kids will need if they think they’ve killed granma and/or granda.

Or

It’s disgusting to expect those more vulnerable than you to take risks for your convenience. Beneath contempt.

Or

I hate the word vile. I think it is overused, especially here. But this attitude is absolutely vile.

However is it both my disdain and disgust that I find to be rising at the moment, rather than my propensity for drama

God what a drama lama post this is!

Might your DP feel better able to cope if you have a childminder or teenager take the kids to and from school, plus a few hours and dinner in the evening?
Nope. Additionally for those saying what about ex. He lives 80 miles away, has shocking low standards, plus he can't take off time in term.