Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

TABVVVVVU
They don’t owe you childcare. They’re elderly, in the vulnerable category, their right to remain healthy comes before your childcare needs. I’m a teacher, COVID rates are rife in primary schools, you’re being really selfish expecting your needs to be a priority over theirs.

We have them for sleepovers but OH basically does very little to help so after 24 hours I'm knackered. Trying to juggle entertainment for two little ones their meals, snacks and still put adult meals on the table for OH plus the early mornings takes it out of me . I couldn't do any longer

I've never had any help. Parents aren't there for free childcare.

My mum was a sahp when I was growing up by my grandparents still had us all the time. Half my childhood was with my grandparents. Who lived just down the road from us. They enjoyed it I think but quite honestly I think my mum expected to do much of them and they were too scared to say no. Grandparents worked full time up until I was a teen too! 🤷‍♀️ I admire them so much as they treated us wonderfully.

I've never had the same experience with my own dc and my mother. She's never helped me out. Even when Dd had an important hospital app once and I asked my mum to have ds (app would have been hard with him there). She was 'too tired' to look after him..

Hugely unreasonable to have ever been relying on family like this. If you need childcare you need to arrange something for it and take responsibility. Your parents shouldn't be still running around after you. You've left home I take it?

My parents hardly see us now and it’s sad. One of them is very nervous about Covid. They were better in the summer and did provide help with childcare in September and October whcih I was so grateful for, but as soon as cases starting rising, they stopped seeing us. They saw us once at Christmas but that will be it until probably about March. They are concerned about catching anything the children pick up as they can’t be sure it’s not Covid.

I have only read your updates rather than RTFT but I think there’s not enough information provided for people to make a reasonable judgement for this.
Entirely depends on a few things like how old the kids are, how well behaved they are, how much it would inconvenience them and put them out, and how much they’d need to do. You say you’re away for a week - would they need to look after them the ENTIRE time? That’s a lot to ask. Or is it a case of needing 30 minutes a day after school which is really close for your ex to then pick them up.

You haven’t liked it when people have said grandparents shouldn’t be expected to provide childcare but unfortunately it doesn’t mean that’s not true!

Yes - childcare is only if everyone is "well" so with 3under3 all in nursery there's never a point when any of us are free from lurgy.

Our nursery bill is now 5times my mortgage as all three are full time. Before covid they used to have one child for two days (rotating) which saved me £500 a month

YABU...we love our grandchildren to bits and had them twice a week until August when my fully vaccinated husband caught COVID from the grandchildren (who got it at nursery). 7 weeks in hospital (including being on ventilation in icu) and 2 months now at home my husband will never return to full health. It's heartbreaking to see the condition he's been left in and heartbreaking that we cannot resume the relationship we had with our grandchildren. COVID is a real life threatening risk and your parents are right to be concerned for their safety. Given your name I would have thought you'd be less selfish more understanding.

@twominutesmore

"i cant help but wonder why on these types of theads anytime anybody complains their parents dont want to help with their grandchildren ever , the poster is jumped all over as being unreasonable , when these parents possibly develop senile demetia , have tons of health problems , need help everyday to do everyday tasks its then people like the op who are then faced with having to juggle their kids , their marriage , their jobs to be having to go around and tend to them as much as up to 2 or more hours a day possibly , but with all the stress and non stop worry on top."

And they did all of the caring and worrying about and looking after for their own kids, if we are talking in a purely transactional way. Do they have to do it all over again for gc?

Anyway kids have a choice. Help your parents when they become frail or don't, and they will have to pay someone to do it, eating into any inheritance.

hmm helping out with your grandchildren now and then is hardly the same as raising a child from birth now is it ?

my mum has always helped me because shes offered not because i asked or expected it , and thats what i will do for my daughter if and when she has a child ,
i think the only thing i can say is that i feel the op was being a tad unrealistic asking her parents to help for a week though , this is a couple who force her and their grandchild to sit outside in winter in what is sometimes bloody cold tempetures as a condition of them visiting , so i doubt theyd even help her out for an hour let alone longer

I think it's perfectly acceptable for a clinically vulnerable couple in their 70s not to look after their grandchildren for a week during a pandemic. A week is a very long time to ask them to have your kids.

I bet their parents weren't on their 70s when they helped out. They were totally different times then.

It's up to them though isn't it, if that's how they feel then it's tough luck.

The thing that strikes me about this thread is how intolerant people are. Some people sound angered at a parent daring not to provide childcare, others sound angered at the expectation that a grandparent might provide childcare as they always have. Bizarre!

We all assess risk differently - that’s ok, we all have different expectations based on our past experiences - also ok. We can be sad that things have changed as well, especially in relation to the pandemic that has taken so much normality from us all.

I also agree with a pp upthread about the dad in this situation. As a single parent who also relies a lot on my parents I feel v v resentful that ex can do extra work at the drop of a hat and I basically provide him with free childcare to do that, but I can't. I totally understand why the OP feels so frustrated in this situation and agree that the fear instilled is now completely disproportionate, but ultimately, they aren't going to do it. Hope you find a solution op, I am v sympathetic to your situation.

My parents haven't given a rats ass about the rules despite being in their late 60s and still have my DS every now and again, to each their own.

during term time I have a hefty childcare bill, me and my sister ask my mum when she will slow down with work dropping a day to look after grandchildren.

Good grief.

How about you and your sister drop a day each and help each other with childcare two days a week?

Instead of trying to pile your kids simultaneously on an older lady with reduced energy levels, and expecting her to pay.for the privilege.

I find all the “yabu to expect childcare my parents have never ever done it” a bit sad and unfair. It is a bit odd for grandparents to never want to see their grandchildren

My children saw their grandparents regularly. The Gp's travelled a fair distance to see us too and had a great relationship with them. They never provided childcare though. Completely different.

Well. I've never had parental or inlaw childcare of any kind. But I still think your parents are being unreasonable.

Why can I still not see my gp face to face? Why does the post office sorting office still have vastly reduced opening hours? Why do I still avoid giving a welcome hug and kiss to relatives?

We all claim covid but, like your parents I suspect, we just would rather not and covid is the perfect excuse.

Which is their prerogative of course, but also disappointing.

I don't think YABU OP. I'm a SAHM, so don't need child care in that respect, but I do lone parent for 11 months of the year. My (divorced) parents are both in their 70s and would both help out anytime I needed them to take DS, this hasn't changed at all.

There are so many scare stories about Covid in schools, coupled with the fact children often carry the disease without symptoms, if you don't normally have children in your house it's easy to start seeing them as mini-virus bombs.

I literally have had 1 night out in 4 years.

Why do you not have a babysitter? Have you been depending on your parents to babysit?

I mean, in real life, those who have a relationship with their parents do get help with their kids. I feel it is only on here that there is feigned outrage at the idea of a grandparent ever looking after their grandchildren even if it is only on a rare occasion. almost a how dare you have children and then ask for help.

however, if they are genuinely that scared of COVID, then the media did their job a gooden didnt they.

I have had some help from my MIL but it is very limited. During the lockdowns I had to do quite a lot of time consuming care and support for one a couple of the grandparents rather than getting free childcare. All my DC’s grandparents have become much more wary of spending time indoors with the children since the pandemic. We have also had to be very wary of bringing babysitters into the house because of the added risk to us which then makes us a danger to grandparents when we see them. At the moment, with Covid spreading in schools and primary school children unvaccinated they are a bit of a biohazard for grandparents!

All this puts a strain on families and it is understandable that you are feeling that strain. However, grandparents shouldnt be expected to put themselves at risk. The pandemic has put a lot of extra strain on most people and lack of easy access to childcare is onlyone of the strains. I am sure your DC’s grandparents would love to see more of them and this is sad choice they have had to make.

There’s a real lack of empathy on this thread.
It’s a one off ask.
For a single parent.
So they can work.

I don’t think some people realise how difficult it would be to pay someone to look after DC for a week in a professional capacity! Difficult and expensive.

I sympathise as my parents have never done anything and my DH’s parents have looked after DC once in 10 years, begrudgingly when I was in labour. I have my DH to share the load, I can’t imagine how isolating it must be to do it all yourself.

If your parents feel its not safe thats understandable as they are in there 70s and probably not really able as one week left minding children is a considerable ask.I realise you are a single mother and its difficult with work etc but I think your exdp needs to step up here like why should he get to work thats just an excuse

@teaandchocolate1

To be honest it's quite hard to provide childcare in your 70s.

We don't live close to my mother, she is in her sixties.

If we lived closer I would really avoid asking for her childcare unless I really don't have another option.

I think it would be a bit too much for her.

Oh for goodness sake! I’m mid sixties and regularly have all four of my DGC to stay. I’m not ready for the nursing home yet, thank you very much