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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

308 replies

Longcovid21 · 10/01/2022 19:32

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

OP posts:
WelshRain · 10/01/2022 22:23

This is all so sad. The last remaining grandparent here has just stayed for over 2 weeks (lives abroad) and didn't express any concerns about visiting. In fact, GP expressed the view that not seeing GC for 2 years, due to covid, was too long. No one knows what's around the corner.

So busy protecting themselves from dying, they forget to live.

Idontknowlondon · 10/01/2022 22:24

No. If anything it's the opposite - they want to do more to make up for the time they missed during lockdown. They don't do regular or frequent childcare and never have though.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2022 22:26

@echt

As the need for childcare isn't until April the OP's ex-DP has time to arrange annual leave. His living 70 miles away is neither here nor there.

Funny how his refusal to take care of his own children has not been commented on.

Hmm

I think part of that is that the MN opinion seems to be that it's 'his problem, not yours' when a poster is saying that their exH has asked/demanded/expected them to do childcare for him during 'his days'. Each parent is expected to provide their own childcare when needed during 'their' time and not expect the other parent to 'cover' for them.

Not saying that there shouldn't be more cooperation when possible, but I don't know as how I'd take a week off and use up my allotted holiday time to facilitate an ex's job needs. Sudden illness, unforeseen circumstances, or accidents notwithstanding, of course.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/01/2022 22:33

@Longcovid21

By the way when I say childcare I mean once in a blue moon to babysit or a one off emergency. Not a regular thing. I do all that myself. I am a single mum in full time work. My mom was a stay at home mum until I was 13 and she still had loads of help from her mother. I literally have had 1 night out in 4 years. I agree with a poster upthread about the fear thing. My mum is now controlled by my dad and brother who decide where is safe and not safe.
Could your brother help? Do you have other siblings? How old are your children?

The short answer is that you are no longer going away for a week which is a bit of an ask anyway. If your exh is 70 miles away he could do overnights and suck up the commute/work from your home during the day leaving you to find wraparound care.
Or move the work trip/training to a point when he has them on holiday anyway?

echt · 10/01/2022 22:34

Not saying that there shouldn't be more cooperation when possible, but I don't know as how I'd take a week off and use up my allotted holiday time to facilitate an ex's job needs. Sudden illness, unforeseen circumstances, or accidents notwithstanding, of course

My point was about the utter lack of exploration of his role in all this. His reason is unquestioned, while the OP's parents' concerns have been sneered at/doubted/minimised by a number of posters.

ThorsLeftNut · 10/01/2022 22:42

This made me laugh. Entitled or what 😂

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 22:46

@ThorsLeftNut

This made me laugh. Entitled or what 😂
Yes, a single mum looking for childcare for one week out of 52 for a work trip is so hilarious.
Natty13 · 10/01/2022 22:53

@DinosApple

Solidarity OP Flowers. Pre Covid we went on holidays, did Christmases, Easters and birthdays with my parents. They very occasionally provided childcare as well. But, we actually enjoyed spending time together.

Present day Covid: We've seen my parents about 4 times in two years. All outside.
We isolated for 10 days this Christmas so they would come over to celebrate and come indoors. There had been cases at school so 10 days at home, plus LFT and PCRs all done and negative. Plus all adults triple jabbed and DC1 is up to date, DC2 is too young...
My parents kept their masks on, stayed more than two metres away and didn't stay long.

They are allowed to be cautious (not vulnerable and 60s), and I am allowed to be utterly devastated.

I can genuinely not foresee a time when we will see them 'normally' again.

That sounds so difficult and I'm really sorry Flowers

Mine were also like this. They are generally cautious people and on top of that a neighbour younger and fitter than them ended up ventilated with covid for months in 2020 and was left with a stroke so they always have that in the back of their minds.

Bit by agonising bit, their world has opened up. We even travelled abroad to see my siblings together. They are still nervous and super cautious but we as a family mitigate the risks to each other as much as we can and that way they feel a bit safer and I get to hug my parents more often.

I hope your situation with your parents can get a bit better soon. Maybe now they saw you indoors, they will start to feel a bit less risky and take steps towards normality?

Restart10 · 10/01/2022 22:54

Yabu to expect anyone in their 70s to do any childcare. So what if your dm's parents did it for her, what does that have to do with you? Yabu for also feeling entitled to what people should do about their own health. You anf your kids may be able to breeze through covid but it could affect your dm drastically.

Mariposista · 10/01/2022 23:08

I feel sorry for everyone in this situation. OP - I don’t think you are being entitled. You’re a single working mum and need support on the occasions you need childcare - I didn’t read it as you expect anything. But I also feel sorry for both the grandparents and kids here - you can’t get a full ‘grandparent experience’ just being in a garden, particularly in a cold country! I have such wonderful memories of my gran’s home being an extension of my own, racing in to tell her secrets, playing carefully with her china doll, dusting her glass eggs. She helped with childcare when needed but what I got out of it was invaluable, and her too. The bond we made was unbreakable. She is in her 90s now and I still cherish those memories. If any child’s experience of their grandparents is just confined to brief outdoor meetings, I find this sad, especially now with vaccines and treatments protecting us that bit more.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2022 23:44

@echt

Not saying that there shouldn't be more cooperation when possible, but I don't know as how I'd take a week off and use up my allotted holiday time to facilitate an ex's job needs. Sudden illness, unforeseen circumstances, or accidents notwithstanding, of course

My point was about the utter lack of exploration of his role in all this. His reason is unquestioned, while the OP's parents' concerns have been sneered at/doubted/minimised by a number of posters.

I guess because he has no role in all this? 🤷🏼‍♀️
AnnaSW1 · 10/01/2022 23:47

I've never asked them to do childcare

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2022 23:50

I don't mean to say I have no sympathy for the OP. I do. It's just that unfortunately she's up against a brick wall. If there's no one who will take her child for her for a week she's just going to have to let her work know that she is unable to do what they're asking.

Hemingwayscatz · 10/01/2022 23:52

My Nan is in her 70s and she is absolutely petrified of covid. She wouldn’t even leave the house to get vaccinated so a nurse had to do it in her home. She won’t let anyone into her house and hasn’t left the house at all for any reason since February 2020. We visited at Christmas but had to stand at the window waving at her, she wouldn’t open the window so she could hear us either so we had to shout through the glass… It’s very sad but I do understand her anxiety, I think I’d be more anxious about it if I was old too. It’s easy to be arrogant when you’re young and healthy.

Cornishclio · 11/01/2022 00:08

We are grandparents in our early 60s and have helped throughout the pandemic with childcare for our grandchildren (one day a week), Covid rules allowing within a childcare bubble. We would look after them if needed for a week in an emergency but I am not sure a weeks trip away for work constitutes that and certainly the father should also be helping out. If the children are at school and older though that would be easier so it depends if they are preschool or not.

Coyoacan · 11/01/2022 00:37

I'm full of admiration of the grandparents in their eighties who are still providing childcare but we are all different. I'm late sixties and feel exhausted

Crankley · 11/01/2022 01:16

I wondered at the beginning of covid, how many GPs would use it as an opportunity to pull back from regular childcare and I don't blame them.

It's very presumptuous, even pre covid, to expect your elderly parents to look after your young children for a whole week.

To those who suggest not helping parents in their old age in retaliation, I hope you aren't expecting to inherit anything from them as they will spend it all on paying for the care that you won't be providing.

notacooldad · 11/01/2022 01:21

You are being extremely UR.
Your whome post is a pity party. They owe you zero.
They are not being ' funny" about child care as you put it. It sounds like they have legitimate concerns.

I know they are in the vulnerable category etc
You are ridiculous.

Aimeehedge · 11/01/2022 01:22

Yabvu. Especially with the current situation (if you look at the actual data not headlines).

They don’t owe you child care.

My parents got full child care from my grandparents but they were different times and I don’t begrudge the fact I’ve never got any child care from my parents bar a night out once a year.

As for visiting, could you use masks, ventilation and hepa filters to reassure your parents. That’s what we did. My parents are retired medical professionals so will take risks with protections.

milkyaqua · 11/01/2022 01:23

So busy protecting themselves from dying, they forget to live.

Jesus.

Aimeehedge · 11/01/2022 01:25

To add I’m just happy to do anything that keeps my elderly parents healthy and around.

Aimeehedge · 11/01/2022 01:26

@milkyaqua

So busy protecting themselves from dying, they forget to live.

Jesus.

Wow this is an awful statement.

Some people are so busy whining, bitching and being entitled they forgot to live.

HappyDays40 · 11/01/2022 01:32

My parents always want to look after their grandson but we do holiday clubs, wraparound care and juggle our routines at work. It means that they've not had to give up their retirement. Its not something I would do so I wouldn't expect them to either.
Maybe your parents feel like they can't do it anymore. We are all somewhat traumatised byvtgis pandemic.

notacooldad · 11/01/2022 01:52

My mom was a stay at home mum until I was 13 and she still had loads of help from her mother
Completely irrelevant to anything!
What happened to someone else in the past doesmt mean its going to get replicated to someone else in the future.

Your grandparents may not have had you so often if Covid was around then.

Kokeshi123 · 11/01/2022 02:26

I think asking people in their 70s to babysit for a week is a bit much.

However, I think it's pretty mean if grandparents refuse to help out at all.

Of course it's their "right" to refuse to help out, at all, ever. But families do normally help each other. At some point, they will become frail and need help from their grownup children; what goes around, comes around.