Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

[Longcovid21]

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

OP, I don't live in the UK, but in the country where I live, we have "baby hotels" which provide 24hr childcare for unusual temporary situations such as single parents being hospitalized or having to go on a business trip; a single parent would be eligible to get a space for a heavily subsidized price, if their own parents are unable to help out. Do you have any options like that in the UK?

Doubt anyone's going to take "revenge" on their parents as such. It's just that it's hard to muster up the patience to deal with the challenges of old age care when you don't actually feel very friendly or warm towards the person in question.

I don't think people are going to dump their elderly parents on the street, but it's inevitable that some of these old people are going to wind up having pretty cool and perfunctory relationships with their adult children, and very little relationship with their grandchildren who will probably barely know who they are.

Most older people I know have been incredibly eager to spend time with their kids and grandkids, so I don't think this is a normal reaction. I think some older people are just a bit miserable to be honest.

They are in their 70’s. Their babysitting/childminding/care giving days are over. A long time ago.
They are not being selfish. Or unkind. They obviously can’t do it anymore.
Maybe your mum was younger than you when she had children, and in turn her parents were, hence the help.

There is only ONE person in this world that owes you anything in regards to help and support, and that’s why he dc dad. Him alone

YABU Your parents don’t owe you childcare

This

Goodness, you'd almost think something unusual was going on currently...
like a global pandemic, which people in their 70s are at greater risk of death and disability from.

@mynameiscalypso

Mine would be happy to if they didn't spend half their lives on holiday or socialising!

Rhe nerve of them enjoying their retirement instead of being your unpaid skivvies

I can't imagine my parents or my in laws not wanting to spend time with my ds. They travel 90 miles to spend that time with ds and always offer childcare as an excuse to spend time with ds as they all miss him. All are triple jabbed, mum and mil are vulnerable though.

I just cannot imagine if I were a single parent and needed to be a away for a week for work where this job feeds ds and keeps a roof over our heads where my parents wouldn't offer help. The moment I mention a work thing, my parents or my in-laws would jump at the occasion before even asking. I would also love to help ds with future childcare if he ever needed one and ensure he knows that we are his safety net.

My parents and my in-laws and even DH all grew up with very involved grandparents and it's part of my family culture where we aren't left alone to struggle. Life is short, life is hard and life is much easier when you help each other out and it makes life much more bearable when you have to jump through hoops knowing that you have a support system in place and a family you can rely on when you need it the most. This isn't being entitled, this is what a family is meant to be like or at least it was in the past.

You are the one being "unfair" - get your own childcare instead of using a couple of 70 somethings who are at clear risk! What a user!

I do think some of the current generation of Grandparents are very selfish pre covid , my DGM always babysat us for sometimes the whole school holidays !! She never complained I loved seeing her and had some very fond memories together . My own parents have babysat DD twice since she was born she's now 8 . I babysit for my sister she's a single parent and the dad is a EOW dad . I do this because I want to spend time with my niece and I want to help her out. It takes a village and all that.

@teacreature

I can't imagine my parents or my in laws not wanting to spend time with my ds. They travel 90 miles to spend that time with ds and always offer childcare as an excuse to spend time with ds as they all miss him. All are triple jabbed, mum and mil are vulnerable though.

I just cannot imagine if I were a single parent and needed to be a away for a week for work where this job feeds ds and keeps a roof over our heads where my parents wouldn't offer help. The moment I mention a work thing, my parents or my in-laws would jump at the occasion before even asking. I would also love to help ds with future childcare if he ever needed one and ensure he knows that we are his safety net.

My parents and my in-laws and even DH all grew up with very involved grandparents and it's part of my family culture where we aren't left alone to struggle. Life is short, life is hard and life is much easier when you help each other out and it makes life much more bearable when you have to jump through hoops knowing that you have a support system in place and a family you can rely on when you need it the most. This isn't being entitled, this is what a family is meant to be like or at least it was in the past.

You’re so lucky @teacreature. This is exactly how things should be. I also grew up like this - my grandparents on both sides were daily fixtures in my life. My parents didn’t do much so they didn’t have much need for childcare per se (my mum was a SAHM) but I saw my grandparents most days if not every day, ate at least one meal a week there and more often three or four meals. They’d look after us, take us to the park, pick up from school if needed. Also, we were grandchildren no’s 11,12 and 13 so hardly a novelty by then.

My own parents are not interested at all despite this upbringing. They live around 90 miles away and haven’t visited more than once a year. Distance is a factor but they wouldn’t help out even if we were near I’m sure.
We didn’t see them for 18 months during Covid, and even when things had calmed down it hasn’t been practical to stay with them. My dad was very clear that their spare room was off-limits as it has become his wife’s home office.

Mil still happy to offer childcare although she’s limited in what she can do so it’s very occasional. We were more cautious than her during Covid as we didn’t want to be responsible for making her ill.

My neighbours do everything for their kids and grandkids. They do several full days each week for any preschoolers and often do overnights. I’m seriously envious.

I never had a single moment's childcare for my two children when they were babies and older, would never have expected any.

This is not a normal situation, OP. There is a global pandemic. It hits older people harder. It hits older vulnerable people the hardest.

I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation. But this know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair is very, very, very badly done of you.

Ffs, someone wishing their parents, you know the people who created and raised them, to care about helping out with their own grandchildren or interacting with them in a normal fashion occasionally is not "entitled" or a "user". How ridiculous! Or has all notion of family bonds been erased these days?

My in-laws won’t see the teenagers either so I do sympathize, OP. They wouldn’t let us visit close to Christmas even though we’re all double jabbed. They haven’t seen their grandchildren for two years now-they’ve seen DH on his own, but seem to think anyone until 18 is a biohazard! We don’t need childcare or anything from them…DH was actually very upset about Christmas, we would have happily kept our distance and worn masks.

*under 18.

You’re brave to post this as it was obviously going to get a lot of negative responses. MN is very individualistic so expecting help from others even loved ones isn’t seen positively.

I do think it’s understandable that older people are more cautious but it’s a shame when it affects their relationships such as with their grandchildren. Maybe it’s also a case of them being too old and weak to properly take care of a child.

My parents have been influenced by their parents and what they did for them such as providing childcare etc and want to do the same for me, but it’s not always the case.

I'm in my sixties and would not be happy if I was expected to provide childcare- I don't have the energy for it and am not interested, I want to do what I like doing at this stage in my life.

@milkyaqua

Goodness, you'd almost think something unusual was going on currently... like a global pandemic, which people in their 70s are at greater risk of death and disability from.

Exactly this.

I've got a considerably higher risk and with two SEN DC and a CEV DM I'm extremely keen to avoid COVID. I'm not "anxious" and I don't need to "get over my fears". I've made a considered assessment of the risks and I'd rather not take any chances, thanks very much.

I've known friends with underlying health conditions get COVID and only get a mild dose. I've known friends who are relatively young, bursting with health and no underlying risk factors - and they've been hospitalised with COVID. It's a bloody lottery.

If you're happy taking the risks, then that's fine. Because the chances are that it will PROBABLY be OK. But on the flip side, this is an unpleasant virus and there's growing evidence about the potential long-term effects. If people want to avoid all of that, it's perfectly understandable.

If your parents are normally happy to babysit, then clearly it's concern for their health due to this tiny thing you may have heard of, y'know the global pandemic that's killed more than 150,000 people in the UK..... Just because their attitude to COVID is different to yours - bearing in mind that they have a much higher risk than you - I find it appalling that you've posted to complain about them not helping out with childcare.

I don't begrudge people who want to go out and do things, even though I personally don't think that it's the smart thing to do right now. I understand we all have different priorities and different feelings about risk. And that's OK. A bit of understanding that someone shouldn't feel compelled to risk everything to provide you with childcare wouldn't go amiss.

This "your parents owe you nothing" mentality is just so alien to me. Covid and old age are certainly going to be potential barriers to how much support they can offer, but it's always been the same advice regardless on MN: your parents don't owe you anything. I can't imagine DH and I being able to offer much-needed support to our kids, whatever their ages, and just refusing to do so. I'm not saying GPs should be on call 24/7 or giving up their own lives entirely or babysitting every weekend so the parents can go clubbing etc. But a bit of help, if you are able, so that your single parent daughter can work? That's not unreasonable and I can't imagine not happily providing that support to my own family if I was able to.

I also don't understand the "cue the posters who will now tell you not to bother helping them in their old age" or sneering "there's always one" when someone suggests this. Why doesn't it work both ways? Why is it completely entitled and awful for OP to expect her parents (who chose to have her) to love and care for her enough to offer support on rare occasions, but it would be awful for her to refuse to offer permanent and regular support such as is so often required by elderly parents? And yes, maybe then they would retaliate by cutting her out of their will. Sounds like a great family set up. Nobody willing to care and support each other in times of need when they are able. That's not really a family at all.

Hi, I understand how you feel. Mine are exactly the same, we can’t cross the threshold into their house because the children have been at school. Yesterday however they went to a large funeral 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s frustrating

Well said

Your trip is not until April that's plenty of time for your ex to book annual leave.

As your parents are only meeting you outdoors, a bit extreme I know, why would you even think they'd do a week's childcare?

@Cameleongirl

My in-laws won’t see the teenagers either so I do sympathize, OP. They wouldn’t let us visit close to Christmas even though we’re all double jabbed. They haven’t seen their grandchildren for two years now-they’ve seen DH on his own, but seem to think anyone until 18 is a biohazard! We don’t need childcare or anything from them…DH was actually very upset about Christmas, we would have happily kept our distance and worn masks.

This is so sad. Both your IL and your DC are missing out on such a beautiful experience

@teacreature

I can't imagine my parents or my in laws not wanting to spend time with my ds. They travel 90 miles to spend that time with ds and always offer childcare as an excuse to spend time with ds as they all miss him. All are triple jabbed, mum and mil are vulnerable though.

I just cannot imagine if I were a single parent and needed to be a away for a week for work where this job feeds ds and keeps a roof over our heads where my parents wouldn't offer help. The moment I mention a work thing, my parents or my in-laws would jump at the occasion before even asking. I would also love to help ds with future childcare if he ever needed one and ensure he knows that we are his safety net.

My parents and my in-laws and even DH all grew up with very involved grandparents and it's part of my family culture where we aren't left alone to struggle. Life is short, life is hard and life is much easier when you help each other out and it makes life much more bearable when you have to jump through hoops knowing that you have a support system in place and a family you can rely on when you need it the most. This isn't being entitled, this is what a family is meant to be like or at least it was in the past.

Very well said!

Thankfully my DM (68) is as happy as ever to have my DS and DN otherwise me and my sister would be screwed! She's looked after our children FT since we went back to work after maternity leave until they started school and now picks them up after school

I realise we're very lucky but I also find MN a bit weird in the collective attitude to grandparents providing childcare. My DGM looked after us, my DM looks after our kids and we will look after our DGC, it's just normal in my family