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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

308 replies

Longcovid21 · 10/01/2022 19:32

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

OP posts:

Cryingbutstilltrying · 10/01/2022 20:20

Tbh I wouldn’t want to look after small kids for a week, and I’m in my 40s. It’s a big ask of anyone.
My in laws have done a lot of childcare over the years for their 10 grandchildren. They are now in their late 70s and the last couple of years have really seen them age, quite dramatically. So when the parents of the youngest grandchild (18 months) asked about them staying for a week to care for the child over Xmas, they said no and blamed covid. They admitted to DH later that actually they just couldn’t handle a small child for that long now but didn’t want to seem old and weak and covid was a ready excuse.
It would be nice if we all had young and willing grandparents on hand but we just don’t. Better that you know now and can make plans accordingly than be let down last minute.

dotherighthing · 10/01/2022 20:21

They are probably frightened. this age group had a much lower immune system and could become very will if they caught covid. The help they may have had does not come into it.

dotherighthing · 10/01/2022 20:22

ill not will.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/01/2022 20:23

DF lives too far away, DM can't as she lives with CEV DS1.

chaosrabbitland · 10/01/2022 20:24

my mums early 80s ,, dd is 13 now , obviously she can pretty much look after herself ,but my mum lives alone and loves having her over for a weekend , as she says to me , if i didnt have her here than what would i be doing , shes good company , they have always had a firm bond and dd helps her out with bits she needs doing , she would be very upset at the thought of not seeing her only granddaughter

shes not paranoid about covid , had all her jabs ,wears a mask when she goes out , but thats it , she just wants to get on with it herself now , shes told me shes sick to the back teeth now

i think people are giving op a bit of a hard time over the childcare aspect , but its not just that thought either , op is saying she feels she and her child are being treated like germharbingers and the only way her parents will see her and their grandchild is if everybody becomes hypothermic outside in the cold
personally this would get my bloody goat way more than refusing to do any token childcare , not that id put up with it tho mind , id rather they didnt bother at all ,

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/01/2022 20:26

I think this is better looked at taking away the factor of childcare.

It is really shit for everyone that so many older people feel unable to spend time with their grandchildren and their own children who are parents because of the pandemic. It’s taken away the whole family structure, which is unhealthy for everyone psychologically and emotionally.

It’s particularly bad if your dad and brother are controlling your mum’s movements and deciding what is a risk for her on her behalf.

In a family, people do normally help each other out at different phases of life, and so I do think yanbu to want to ask for some help with childcare from time to time.

I’m a single mum and live a fair distance from my parents so can’t really ask them either. To be fair, my mum and ex PIL did help out when the kids were very little - from time to time because of the journey- but they’ve got older now and it’s become unfair to ask. Plus my kids are a bit older and less is needed.

But I think yanbu to feel as you do.

allofthecheese · 10/01/2022 20:27

My parents are fairly young but yeah there's been a reluctance to help with childcare since covid. It was rare I'd ask but now I just wouldnt go there. We can't go over really if he has a sniffle as they're worried it may be covid and we could spread it. Which is fair enough. We just don't go when he's snotty etc (but that's most of the time). It's sad as he was a lockdown baby and didn't see his grandparents for over 6 months at one point as they were super cautious and we couldn't bubble with them. I'm referring to just visiting them though, not even childcare. So there's a definite difference over my siblings children and their relationship with them but then I understand it's unprecedented times etc etc etc

Bellsandsnow · 10/01/2022 20:28

They're 70!!!!!! This can't possibly be real. YABVU and selfish.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/01/2022 20:29

In contrast to your parents and some others you hear about on here, my friend’s lovely MIL who I know quite well and who has sadly lost two of her four children (completely unrelated causes, one through cot death and one as an adult, both incredibly sad obviously) said to me “after losing two children, nothings going to stop me spending time with my grandkids” and has done bits and pieces of childcare throughout.

DarkCorner · 10/01/2022 20:30

My parents are super happy to help out me and my sibling with childcare once a week plus extras and see us loads even knowing the risk. They are approx 70 and also still work part time and do other stuff so they're really just carrying on as normal as much as poss. Vaccinated obviously and just with a "what will be will be" mentality. DPs parents are very much the opposite and quite worried about it and would be anxious about doing much childcare although have had more health problems than my parents and do still see their grandchildren semi regularly indoors.

DaisyWaldron · 10/01/2022 20:36

My kids are teenagers, and I think we've had around 5 days in total of childcare from all grandparents combined. And I wouldn't let them do it now. Covid is absolutely rife in schools and spending time indoors with kids is a genuinely risky thing to do if you want to avoid Covid.

phishy · 10/01/2022 20:57

YANBU, OP. It doesn’t around like they’re vulnerable.

If they can’t help with childcare for one week in a whole fucking year then I wouldn’t help them either.

I bet you do do things for them?

DinosApple · 10/01/2022 21:02

Solidarity OP .
Pre Covid we went on holidays, did Christmases, Easters and birthdays with my parents. They very occasionally provided childcare as well. But, we actually enjoyed spending time together.

Present day Covid: We've seen my parents about 4 times in two years. All outside.
We isolated for 10 days this Christmas so they would come over to celebrate and come indoors. There had been cases at school so 10 days at home, plus LFT and PCRs all done and negative. Plus all adults triple jabbed and DC1 is up to date, DC2 is too young...
My parents kept their masks on, stayed more than two metres away and didn't stay long.

They are allowed to be cautious (not vulnerable and 60s), and I am allowed to be utterly devastated.

I can genuinely not foresee a time when we will see them 'normally' again.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/01/2022 21:03

My mum isn't elderly and works in a hospital so she's fine with it. My grandfather is nearly 80 and happy to do the odd bit of childcare for me, I don't often ask though, usually just the odd day in the school holidays.

Looneytune253 · 10/01/2022 21:05

I think once you've stopped doing something it's super hard to get started again. I can see why, esp as they're getting older too. Would other gp's not help out?

Justwingingit2005 · 10/01/2022 21:07

My ILs are refusing to see my kids...... apparently no one will want to see my youngest while he is unjabbed.....their actual words! Even though his age group aren't being jabbed.

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/01/2022 21:07

My parents stopped helping with childcare when we were in the first and second lockdown but help now. They pick my youngest up from school once a week and do adhoc childcare. But my parents do seem older these days.

I try not to ask too much and they help when they can. Depends on the age of the children. My youngest is 9 so much easier that a toddler.

echt · 10/01/2022 21:10

YANBU, OP. It doesn’t around like they’re vulnerable

Based on what?

YukoandHiro · 10/01/2022 21:12

My parents are doing less than they used to before covid and are making a bit of a song and dance about discussing all possible risks at school and nursery before they come (like I have any choice but to send them). Then on Xmas eve they went to midnight mass. My nose was put out of joint by that.

Taswama · 10/01/2022 21:14

@DinosApple .

Whitewolf2 · 10/01/2022 21:16

It is a shame they don’t seem to feel safe seeing their grandkids. My parents are mid 70s and happy to do a few hours a week looking after ours, they were in a bubble with us throughout.
However there is no way I’d go away for a week with only them to help! They wouldn’t even be up for one night. It’s unreasonable to expect a week of responsibility from them, what if a kid got sick or hurt and you weren’t easily able to quickly return?

BlueSoul · 10/01/2022 21:17

My mum is 70 and she is keen to spend time with my son when he is not at school. We were forced apart during lockdown and she never wants to go that long without seeing DS again as she missed him so much.

I completely get where you are coming from and I would feel similarly I think.

phishy · 10/01/2022 21:18

@echt

YANBU, OP. It doesn’t around like they’re vulnerable

Based on what?

Based on the OP.

TobyMory · 10/01/2022 21:19

My in laws are nearby but have not helped since Covid. They’ve only been in our house once in 2 years. My parents do a lot less than they used to. Media has caused fear and so who can blame them.

DeloresMadrigal · 10/01/2022 21:23

@RedCandyApple

Mine have never done any child care 🤷‍♀️

Yes, this. No help here from anyone of thay generation.

My ddad has become very, very wary if covid though. He is early 70s. We hardly see him now as he lives overseas. I understand it, but it is still quite sad.

In laws annoy me more as in their 60s, still working in public facing roles and forever looking after their golden child's children, but never ever ours. But you have to get over it really. We aren't super close with them now, but I'm always respectful towards them. It's just life for us. I also would really struggle if travelling with work. And yes, they routinely dumped their kids at granny and granda's all weekend when dh and his siblings were growing up. They don't care to do the same for us and that's that.

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