Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have your parents become funny about childcare since covid?

308 replies

Longcovid21 · 10/01/2022 19:32

I was speaking with a colleague today who mentioned her parents are now reluctant to help with childcare since covid. I'm in the same boat. Mine in their 70s now refuse to do any child care and instead pop by to spend time with me outdoors. They will not sit in a house with the children and I as if we have become biohazards.

I am going away for a week with work and they refuse to help, citing covid risk, which leaves me truly buggered as exdp is working and cannot help (we also live 70 miles apart). Is this a common thing? I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair. Aibu?

OP posts:
DeloresMadrigal · 10/01/2022 21:24

That generation*
Of covid*

Dratted autocarrot

Gunghoing · 10/01/2022 21:26

YANBU and threads like this piss me off.

My sister is a single mother and works full time with two children. Do I have to babysit for her? No. Do I though? Of course I fucking do, I love her and want to support her. No your parents don't owe you anything but you know what? It's nice to support your family.

My parents are at complete odds with this. My mum adores the kids and wants to babysit. My dad has become a complete hermit and decided he never wants to have any of us round. He has actually had covid, and barely suffered, but continues to be unbearable about the whole thing. If I don't let my mum have the kids she gets upset. If I do then he gets upset. Can't win.

BBCONEANDTWO · 10/01/2022 21:26

God they're in their 70's let them have a rest!

Ileflottante · 10/01/2022 21:33

@echt

I know they are in the vulnerable category etc., but given how much help they had off their parents when I was growing up this seems really unfair

Unbefuckinglievable.

I’m sorry, OP, but this, really. They’re in their 70s. They don’t owe you childcare. Or anything, really.
Apple40 · 10/01/2022 21:38

My in-laws are in their early 70s and live for their grandchildren and will help out when asked, but we have noticed it’s all getting a bit to much for them so we don’t ask ( mine are 10 and 13) so don’t really need all day childcare anymore . They have the youngest grandkids twice a week all day long so in the holidays mine are asked to go over to help entertain their cousins giving in laws a break.

Glamping1234 · 10/01/2022 21:41

Ergh! I really hate the "they don't owe you childcare" brigade!. Of course they don't owe you it but bloody hell it's a sad Staight of affairs if you can't ask your parents for a but of help and support.

Glamping1234 · 10/01/2022 21:43

state bit Grin

suzy2b · 10/01/2022 21:45

I'm late 60s daughter and grandkids live with me I take them out I also take them on holiday, can't say daughter has ever asked me to look after them even when she didn't live here just left them

Arethechildreninbedyet · 10/01/2022 21:50

My MIL won't see us unless we have all LF'd, including the children yet refuses to do one herself. She has hugged nor touched either child since before the pandemic.

ImmediatelyNo · 10/01/2022 21:53

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please risk death to make my job easier.

After all, your mum and dad helped you, even though they weren’t risking death at the time.

Love

DD

FFS.

jazzandh · 10/01/2022 21:54

It's not about whether they have done their time, it's about the depressing fact that covid has put such a fear into some Grandparents, that they will sacrifice time with their grandchildren due to fear.

My Dad used to collect my youngest from school once a week, they connected then. it made no odds to me, I can collect any day of the week.

Since covid he has collected him once, after watching him in a match/ he asked if he would wear a mask in the car (my 10 year old has no problem) ...it's depressing,

My parents have since flown to and from Spain.....

CruCru · 10/01/2022 21:55

It does sound as though they are quite extreme in their approach to coronavirus (which is their choice).

My parents have aged loads in the last couple of years (they are 75). I think part of it is that they’ve got out the habit of going anywhere and doing anything so they’ve lost all their fitness.

Having said that, they probably couldn’t / wouldn’t have had my children for a whole week, even before coronavirus.

realhousewifeofmodor · 10/01/2022 22:02

Mine have never once helped with childcare- emergency or otherwise. And I never once assumed they would or felt I deserved that (despite a very close relationship). We budgeted for proper childcare before deciding the try for a baby.

Deepestgreen · 10/01/2022 22:02

My parents and in-laws never helped or even considered helping. And I fully intend to drop everything to help my kids and their children, hopefully before they are on their knees from lack of sleep etc. Just to show them how much I love them. What a poor quality long lonely life people must lead if they can’t bear to see/ hold / cuddle their grandchildren in case they catch something.

echt · 10/01/2022 22:04

As the need for childcare isn't until April the OP's ex-DP has time to arrange annual leave. His living 70 miles away is neither here nor there.

Funny how his refusal to take care of his own children has not been commented on.

Hmm
echt · 10/01/2022 22:06

What a poor quality long lonely life people must lead if they can’t bear to see/ hold / cuddle their grandchildren in case they catch something

Like Covid?
And it's a week of 24-hour a day care that's wanted here.

PinkSyCo · 10/01/2022 22:11

Your parents are in their 70’s and you expect them to have your kids for the whole week? Blimey! How many kids do you have and how old are they?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 10/01/2022 22:16

I’m very aware my dc are the biggest risk to us having covid in the house. Your parents are older and have assessed the risk as being too high right now for them. We’re in a pandemic and everyone will have a different take depending on their own personal outlook. My parents had the dc for a week in the summer but the week before that we kept them home or were doing safe activities outside to reduce the risk before they went to stay. I’ve never seen them as “doing childcare” though, more spending time with their grandchildren in whatever way works.

Zombiemum1946 · 10/01/2022 22:18

I don't know how old your kids are, but if covid is just an excuse could it be that she just can't cope ? My dad's in his 70's and relatively fit but would most definitely not cope with my stroppy 11 yr and 18yr old for more than an evening nevermind a week. You can't compare your parents to theirs, times are different. My Nana was 49 when I was born and more than able to keep my siblings and I under control Had my mother lived, she would have been 64 when my daughter was born and would probably have said no if I asked her to take my 2 for a week now, when she would have been 75. We've currently all got covid and I've come off worse. As a 50yr old it sucks and apparently this is the lighter version. I can completely understand her being scared if that's why she's saying no.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 10/01/2022 22:19

My mil can me to stay for 2 nights and had an anxiety attack and left early after I mentioned the cleaner was coming the next morning. Apparently by allowing some “stranger” (cleaner for 2 years) into our home I’d risked everyone’s life. Like I say, everyone’s level of risk differs.

MancLass76 · 10/01/2022 22:19

A post like this was always going to get flamed but I feel for you OP. I am really lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents who are not only willing to have my children during week after school but they actually look forward to being able to see their grandchildren 1 on 1, without me there. I suffered with really bad anxiety and fear about Covid and I really struggled to manage and home educate the children, hold down a stressful job working from home and stop my mental health from spiralling during the first lockdown and then again for the second wave and not having the help of my parents/inlaws because Boris said no or because they were also scared nearly broke me (realise this was the same for many so I am definitely not alone or special) I also really struggled with all the missed family time and impact on the bond they have so not just help related. Besides the work problem I think you are doing amazing to still see them yourself when they won't spend time with all of you.
I hope you manage to get something sorted and beside you needing their help now, its such a shame they are missing out of their grandchildren.

LetHimHaveIt · 10/01/2022 22:19

I think the difficulty is that a week is a bloody long time. Other than that, I don't think you're being unreasonable. My mum is 79 next month, and looks after my kids all the time.

Refrosty · 10/01/2022 22:21

@Deepestgreen

My parents and in-laws never helped or even considered helping. And I fully intend to drop everything to help my kids and their children, hopefully before they are on their knees from lack of sleep etc. Just to show them how much I love them. What a poor quality long lonely life people must lead if they can’t bear to see/ hold / cuddle their grandchildren in case they catch something.
My grandma did this for her kids (looked after us). By the time she was in her 70s, her kids were still having kids and we were too many imo. I love(d) my grandma but honestly I feel it was cruel to leave us with her just because she was always willing. She became a slave to us, and only when I got to my teen years could I help her catch a breath while my uncle and cousins continued to drop off younger kids to her. The day she collapsed, my cousin had left her three year old with her and he was in a state when someone finally came. You'd be surprised how quickly your love could be exploited in the current economic situation. I intend to help my own kids out, but I will never lose sight of what my grandma went through. Just a warning.
Happyhappyday · 10/01/2022 22:22

Yup, mine keep backing out (we have a nanny who we are happy to pay but DM is always complaining we don’t ask them first) of things because

  1. DD has the barest hint of a sniffle
  2. They decide they want to spend more weeks skiing.

Have stopped asking and are just paying the nanny.

user1493494961 · 10/01/2022 22:22

So you expect your parents in their 70s to have your kids full-time for a week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread