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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:44

@Dontknowwhattodo99

The Scottish version of Clare’s law requires the recipient of any disclosure to actually be in a relationship with the person, an ex partner will not be given any information, and it’s details of crimes/behaviours of a domestic abuse/violence nature only.
Ah sorry, my bad I didn't realise that.
Dontknowwhattodo99 · 11/01/2022 20:45

I would say that for OP not to be asking questions about what her ex is in court would be questionable as a parent, she has a responsibility to ensure her child’s safety, not turn a blind eye to court appearances that could be for anything, especially when there’s history of similar. If it wasn’t the child’s dad would you consider someone that drives under the influence of drugs a safe person to look after a child?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:47

@Dontknowwhattodo99

I would say that for OP not to be asking questions about what her ex is in court would be questionable as a parent, she has a responsibility to ensure her child’s safety, not turn a blind eye to court appearances that could be for anything, especially when there’s history of similar. If it wasn’t the child’s dad would you consider someone that drives under the influence of drugs a safe person to look after a child?
Exactly this.

I can't believe posters like @BellatricksStrange would genuinely feel that if their ex has a history of something as serious as drug driving resulting in a conviction, they wouldn't see it as their business to feel they had a right to know what a new court appearance was for. Not to be 'nosey' but because it's such absolutely basic safeguarding to risk assess if your child is in danger and how that danger can be mitigated or reduced.

ozymandiusking · 11/01/2022 20:52

If he wanted privacy he shouldn't havebroken the law. Of course his ex wife is entitiled to know of what he is accused. It may have a great bearing on whether he will be allowed future access of their child.

eastegg · 11/01/2022 20:57

@SmellyOldOwls

If it's anything serious it'll be in the paper. If not it's maybe something like he didn't pay his tv licence.
There’s an awful lot falling somewhere between headline-grabbing and not paying your to licence!
eastegg · 11/01/2022 20:58

tv license

Original poster
bravermanclan · 11/01/2022 21:16

I have messaged his mum,

'Hi R, sorry to contact you with this but A's name was on the court roll for sheriff court yesterday and it said it was for a ‘criminal charge’. I phoned him and he confirmed that it was his name on the court roll but wouldn’t say what it was regarding as he hadn’t told his family yet - fair enough. I then spoke with him later on and he said he had told you but yet still wouldn’t tell me what it was regarding. I understand A has the right to his own privacy and it really is nothing to do with me the ins and outs. For all I know it could be something as simple as not paying his tv licence or something. However, my concern is for S and I do think in that aspect I have a right to know the general area. I said to him that I didn’t need to know the specifics but could he confirm or deny that it was for instance drugs, or driving under the influence or assault etc. but he refused to do that. I’ve phoned the court and they are unable to tell me but recommended that I contact social services. Due to D's past with the driving thing I do need to know if it’s something that’s going to have an impact on S and/or his safety. He won’t even tell me if it’s anything serious, like could he go to jail? Surely if so it’s something I would need to prepare S for. I’m sorry to come to you and don’t want to put you in the middle, have been trying to keep things between me and D but I do feel genuinely worried about this, I know D is a good dad and would never put S intentionally in harms way but my mind is in overdrive thinking it’s something terrible he’s done. I would hope if it was then social services would alert me but im not sure how it works with me having full custody. I really don’t want to involve social services etc or stop S going to D's for the time being as I think that will confuse him and bring up a lot of questions. So are you able to say in your judgement whether whatever he is in court with is a worry in regards to S and if he will go to jail? I don’t need details but I need my mind put at ease because I just feel I can’t make a decision on the best course of action. The fact he won’t divulge makes me think it’s something awful. Xx'

Hopefully get a response tonight or tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
bravermanclan · 11/01/2022 21:17

Whoops changed his name from A to D midway through sorry.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2022 21:19

@Maighnuad

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/search-judgments/sheriff-court

But it may take some time

The majority of decisions are given verbally by the Sheriff in court. Written judgements are only issued when a case involves:
  • a matter of principle
  • a particular point of general public importance
  • a case where substantial evidence was heard

So chances are that this won't provide info for the OP I'm afraid.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2022 21:23

@bravermanclan

That is a very good message you have sent to his mum. I hope that works.

Mummapenguin20 · 11/01/2022 21:24

Hope your message gets answered

Bloomers58 · 11/01/2022 21:29

I think if it were just a TV licence charge, surely he would say. The history he has (supervised access etc) makes me wonder if the fact he is keeping it a secret suggests he is worried about access to his son. If it were nothing, surely for the sake of you potentially limiting access to his son he would just say so.

JakeyRolling · 11/01/2022 21:33

You may find out in the end anyway OP. If the sheriff calls for social work reports prior to sentencing then I'd assume his family life would be part of that and as you have a son together his relationship with his son will be a factor.

The calling of this case may have been an intermediate diet/pleading diet, in which case it may simply have called and then been put off until trial/a later date.

Migrainesbythedozen · 11/01/2022 21:46

You definitely have the right to know. If his mother won't tell you, I'd contact social services and explain the situation and ask them to get the information for you, or at least set your mind at ease.

RosiePosieDozy · 11/01/2022 21:48

Probably another drink driving charge or assault and he's embarrassed and knows you will be questioning whether he's fit to see your son.

Or just a power move like you say.

How is your relationship with his mum? I hope she does tell you what it is but don't get your hopes up. She might chose to cover for him.

Bard6817 · 11/01/2022 21:54

GDPR is used by some low level officials and office staff and managers to resist making decisions or mitigating risk.

Public records are public records. Court listings are public records.

ThunderThighs123 · 11/01/2022 22:11

Fascinating reading! Thank you!

ThunderThighs123 · 11/01/2022 22:12

I meant the court listings! Thanks Maignaud!

Grrrrdarling · 11/01/2022 22:26

As a child’s safety is involved here I believe you can request the police do a Claire's Law disclosure for you. It may bring up more skeletons than you care to know about but better to know.
Your ex not telling you is him being a bit stupid because it is going to force a bigger discolosure outside of his control.
I can’t imagine what reason you would have to tell anyone why he is in court because it is not your information to give out but you have a child to safeguard & ex should be forthcoming with information to help put you at ease when it comes to the safety of the child rather than causing more issues.

Grrrrdarling · 11/01/2022 22:35

My friend recently requested Claire’s Law access, in England, as she was considering letting her son have contact with her ex due to how good a relationship they had & her son asking to see him. She was unsure as to whether she wanted to get back with her ex but it was a possibility & due to things she had heard from some of his ‘friends’ she felt it was the best thing to do initially before making any big decisions regarding initiating contact or getting back together.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 22:45

I think that's a really good message to his mum OP, well done.

Star81 · 11/01/2022 23:10

Very well written text. Hopefully she will respond soon.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 11/01/2022 23:55

Check the court listings (which are public) for that day - the listing only normally comes up the day before. Criminal courts are also public so you could even attend if you liked.

Short version is that you need to know to check if he’s still a fit and proper person to look after your son.

I’m not sure I’d be releasing your son EOW to him until such point as you find out what it is he’s being charged (and prosecuted - which means the CPS think there’s a realistic chance of conviction at a ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ threshold) for.

DreamTheMoors · 12/01/2022 01:55

@bravermanclan

Hi Braver - do you know a lawyer? Or does someone you know know a lawyer? Or is there a free lawyer’s service where you live?
I’m thinking that a lawyer might have a friend or an “in” at the courthouse and could get you the information you need. At the very least they could tell you the best & quickest way to find out.
I haven’t read the whole thread so I apologize if anyone has already suggested this.

DreamTheMoors · 12/01/2022 02:00

@bravermanclan

My apologies - I should’ve read the whole thread.
Best wishes.