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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 11/01/2022 07:53

@bravermanclan

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

Its public so go and find out? Or contact the court?
Newmumatlast · 11/01/2022 07:54

@MolkosTeenageAngst

What jobs do those suggesting taking time off work to go and sit in court do that they can take a day off with literally no notice?

I’m a teacher so can’t take any days off outside of school holidays but even in jobs where people can choose when to take annual leave I’d have thought they need to book this in advance and can’t just call up in the morning and announce they won’t be in!

Depends on staffing. Sometimes my husband cant get time off for a couple of months and other times he can ask the day before.
HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 08:15

@HaveringWavering

To the public. They are press.
And both have explained how and why the court could/should be persuaded to tell the press the charge. I must say that this is an interesting scenario, in that we simply can’t allow Covid and the GDPR to stealth-create a secret justice system of courts conducted behind closed doors- justice being seen to be done is fundamental. If public galleries are off limits them it’s all the more important for the press to be given access. On the other hand, the courts service is far too busy to field calls all day asking for information. I wonder what the solution is.
FlickyCrumble · 11/01/2022 08:17

Have you tried googling him? If it’s juicy (sorry) then the papers may have picked it up.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 08:18

@MolkosTeenageAngst

What jobs do those suggesting taking time off work to go and sit in court do that they can take a day off with literally no notice?

I’m a teacher so can’t take any days off outside of school holidays but even in jobs where people can choose when to take annual leave I’d have thought they need to book this in advance and can’t just call up in the morning and announce they won’t be in!

Depends on the job. I manage my own diary and my work is more long-term projects than being on the ground to deal with day-to-day tasks, if you see what I mean. If I need short notice leave my work are not fussed as long as I show it’s not inconveniencing anyone or putting a deadline in jeopardy. Obviously jobs that need you to eg man a checkout or perform surgery or drive a bus at a particular time are not going to work like that. But may “office jobs” do.
happinessischocolate · 11/01/2022 09:29

As stated, I have phoned the court today and was told they cannot and will not give out any information in relation to an offence to a random person.

And as started by several posters if you email the courts they will give you the information.

Google often hide results due to weird data breaches but if you check the local papers and search them it should come up from their in the docks today items, if nothing comes up do it daily for a week. Any previous convictions ever reported will also come up.

bravermanclan · 11/01/2022 10:20

@happinessischocolate

As stated, I have phoned the court today and was told they cannot and will not give out any information in relation to an offence to a random person.

And as started by several posters if you email the courts they will give you the information.

Google often hide results due to weird data breaches but if you check the local papers and search them it should come up from their in the docks today items, if nothing comes up do it daily for a week. Any previous convictions ever reported will also come up.

You're incorrect, the court said they would not give me any information - via telephone, email, whatever, they said they weren't able to give it out.
OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/01/2022 10:33

I don't think I'd trust him to tell the truth anyway by this point. I would want to see written evidence of this.

OP is there a court order in place for his contact with your DS?

When is he due to see him next?

If so then obviously you have to comply with it but if not I would seriously consider getting legal advice before allowing any further contact.

Whatayear81 · 11/01/2022 11:01

Ok op

You’ve come to the end of the line with the court
But local paper and scour for the next few days / weeks
Any joint friends? Half decent relationship with a family member?

Failing that - threaten to tell his family and friends that he is back in court and you want to know why

Whatayear81 · 11/01/2022 11:02

Your friend sent you the court roll?
Does this friend have any access to find out?

FelicityPike · 11/01/2022 11:23

@Whatayear81

Your friend sent you the court roll? Does this friend have any access to find out?
Sherif court rolls are published online. Anyone can view them.
Whatayear81 · 11/01/2022 11:27

* Where remote, online proceedings are taking place, we are providing, as a minimum, audio access for observers and members of the public when that is possible and permitted by legislation.*

Scottish courts implemented this

JeffThePilot · 11/01/2022 12:30

@daisychain01

Then get CAFCAS involved, it could be a safeguarding issue, especially now that the ex is back in court. I just wouldn't risk it, he'd have to see me in court before I allowed that child out of my sight,
Cafcass don’t work in the Scottish courts.
TomAllenWife · 11/01/2022 12:51

Don't you just love how unrealistic MNetters are Grin

CAFCASS don't just get involved because YOU want them to
Drug use in a parent DOES NOT = no access
If you refuse access then you can be taken to court who will rarely declare no contact for one parent

In reply to OP, it's none of your business

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2022 13:36

Could you contact the police and ask them if you would be informed if it would impact on child safety?

I've been through similar with my ex the police (in England) stated categorically that should there be any risk to my children I would be informed via social services however this does not include driving offences because they didn't tell me he had lost his licence and I didn't know for awhile because he carried on driving

limitedperiodonly · 11/01/2022 13:43

We simply can't allow Covid and the GDPR to stealth create a secret system of courts conducted behind closed doors.

I agree @HaveringWavering and I'm sure @JaniceBattersby and many others would too.

But it's been happening for at least 30 years beginning with the decline of local newspapers. Covid and GDPR are just the latest nails in the coffin used to kill the idea that everyone is entitled to public information because it is, in fact, public and should remain so.

No one owes anyone a living and if people don't want to buy local papers that is up to them. Why would you spend your hard-earned money on a degraded product? I wouldn't even if one existed where I live and I am very much in favour of journalism.

But you can't also complain that you have no access to or knowledge of local news that affects you like council spending, planning decisions, health provision, policing and court decisions. And you can't expect it to be there when you rouse yourself.

I don't expect anyone to know my job or to cry for me but how many people on this thread have blithely expected that a local reporter would be in court and they could look it up when they felt like it?

I used to attend court at least once a week and but that hasn't happened for years. Why should media organisations cover court or council meetings if you can only be bothered when you belatedly realise it affects you? Who do these people think is going to put it online for them on the off chance they feel like looking it up?

And the idea that if you really cared you'd attend court or council meetings is ridiculous. I don't know what to say of people smugly telling that to the OP @bravermanclan except to ask when was the last time they attended court in the public gallery or a council meeting or public inquiry or inquest or any other public meeting? It's my job and hardly anyone else has time except the most interested members of the public who have time and often money on their hands.

I don't doubt the OP is being given the runaround by jobsworths at her local court. It's wrong but lots of people are lazy. Lots of people don't understand that public information is just that and not a secret to be shared only among themselves.

It's my job to persist and I and other journalists derive immense job satisfaction from winkling out public information from lazy gits. At the end of a long wriggling I particularly enjoy saying: "There! It didn't hurt, did it?"

But that's only when I'm being paid to do it or have a bee in my bonnet. It amazes me when people routinely let others off claiming they must be really busy. Or cite privacy. We're all busy and enjoy our private lives but some of us still manage to do our jobs.

Open justice is a fundamental principle of courts and somewhere someone will be employed to give information. If they don't like the job they can get another one.

Allywill · 11/01/2022 14:34

@OhGiveUp

It's not HER son, it's THEIR son. They're both his parents unless it was an immaculate conception! You don't have a right to know. If it was anything to be concerned about as far as his child goes, you would be notified.
You are mixing up the virgin birth with immaculate conception…..they are not the same thing.
Shona52 · 11/01/2022 17:30

This might help you out you can make online searches under public records request

www.publicrecordsearch.co.uk/types-of-records/court-records/

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 11/01/2022 17:32

Ring the local paper. The Daily Record will know.

Dontknowwhattodo99 · 11/01/2022 17:39

If you’re really concerned that he may have done something that suggests your child would be at risk in his care I would contact social work, explain the situation and that as you are unsure what he has been charged with, they need to check that it isn’t something that puts your child at risk. I wouldn’t presume that the dots will be joined automatically and you would be notified, that would be the ideal but I wouldn’t guarantee it. If social work look into it and it’s nothing then you’ll likely hear nothing more about it, if there’s something of concern then you should be made aware, so that your child isn’t at any risk. I think the previous charge of driving while off his face on drugs is good enough reason to want to know, that’s not something that demonstrates safe behaviour. That is what I would do. X

007Stocko · 11/01/2022 17:45

Can you contact social services and explain to them your concerns. If it's something that might impede his ability to properly look after your son whilst in his charge then surely they must be interested.

Minxmumma · 11/01/2022 17:53

My only suggestion is to call social services and explain your concerns. They will be able to access the information and then advise you whether they feel he is a risk to your child or whether they think access should be limited.

Otherwise as much as I can see why you want to know, the man is entitled to his privacy. It could be a contested speeding ticket or something really trivial, or it could be something serious.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/01/2022 17:58

I don’t think you’ll be told anything over the phone due to data protection, but you could tell him you’ll apply for a variation of contact with your son due to undisclosed criminal charges unless he tells you what he’s in court for. I would be very wary of letting him have access until you know what the charges are. Scrutinise the local papers, as they usually report in the next issue.

Maighnuad · 11/01/2022 18:05

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/search-judgments/sheriff-court

But it may take some time

Pat123dev · 11/01/2022 18:09

Just tell him you go along if he doesn't tell you and fund out that way. He mightjut tell you then