Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

[bravermanclan]

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

@Bloomers58

I think if it were just a TV licence charge, surely he would say. The history he has (supervised access etc) makes me wonder if the fact he is keeping it a secret suggests he is worried about access to his son. If it were nothing, surely for the sake of you potentially limiting access to his son he would just say so.

On this one I'm judgemental. It is pointless him being worried about losing access to his son after he has committed an offence and yet again ending up before a judge.

He's feckless and he doesn't care about his son otherwise he would behave like every responsible father and abide by the law, because he doesn't want to lose access to his son.

OP your text is really good and gets straight to the point why his mum needs to disclose his offence. Let's hope she does the right thing by her grandson and lets you know what he's up in court for rather than protecting him and not telling you. Very best of luck with that.

Great messge you've sent - all the best. Xx

Well not yet heard back from his mum. Phoned my lawyer but can't get an appointment with him until two weeks time. So not sure what to do in the meantime. He is meant to be picking up son from school today.

Phone call to social work, to keep yourself right? Even if it’s just to get their advice on what they think you should do? If the court appearance is nothing to worry about they should be able to at least tell you there’s no safety concerns, not before school pick up today, but over the next few days at least. That’s what I would do. Horrible situation for you.

Seen him today, his mum never responded and he wasn't happy with me, he said 'no wonder I haven't told you, you contacted my mum about it'. I said I only did that because he had told me she knows what it was. Oh well, it's not something I'm going to win, can't keep being stressed about it, I will see what lawyer says in few weeks. Not much I can do until then. The more I ask the more he refuses and the more aggressive her becomes. Today he screamed 'fuck off!' And slammed the door on my face because I was 'judging him at his own doorstep'. All in front of our son. It's just upsetting so I'm letting it drop for now.

Well Yanbu to keep your dc safe until he can prove HE is safe.

That’s a shame there’s still no move forward for you and he’s being so aggro about it, especially in front of your son, that’s not good. I still think you have every right to contact social work to ask for their support and advice on the matter. In Scotland there’s usually a duty social work team who deal with queries like this, you wouldn’t even need to provide names etc just ask for their advice before giving them info. But it’s your choice of course, I know contacting social services probably feels really daunting. X

@Dontknowwhattodo99

That’s a shame there’s still no move forward for you and he’s being so aggro about it, especially in front of your son, that’s not good. I still think you have every right to contact social work to ask for their support and advice on the matter. In Scotland there’s usually a duty social work team who deal with queries like this, you wouldn’t even need to provide names etc just ask for their advice before giving them info. But it’s your choice of course, I know contacting social services probably feels really daunting. X

Yes, especially because I'm in my first year of a postgrad to become a social worker myself.

Yabu. Why do you need to know? Very odd

Surely you should stop contact until you can have it confirmed that it is at least not drug related?

@LovelyIssues

Yabu. Why do you need to know? Very odd

Her son's father has parental responsibilities and also has a history that includes a drug driving conviction due to an accident he caused while driving high. You really think OP is out of order for wishing to know if it's something that could potentially indicate some danger to her son? That if it's another driving offence she may want to look into whether their contact agreement can be updated so he can't drive their son? Or if it's drug related that she may request a review of their contact schedule?

A responsible parent wants to know about potential risk to their child to safeguard them as best possible.

@LovelyIssues

Yabu. Why do you need to know? Very odd

As stated repeatedly safeguarding he has previously nearly killed himself she doesn't want her child to be next

Also totally lied in his social work background report. He never has and never will reside with his child.

Not much of a wake up call if a mere 4 years later we find ourselves here

Is that your actual ex? You have just totally outed yourself if it is

Whats your plan going forward?

*anything

Firstly a Scottish Court roll does not tell you anything apart from date time name and ref number. You can't click on anything to see what they are up in criminal court for. Secondly at the moment due to covid, there is no public gallery open in any scottish Court as far as I know so no point you going down to court. Hope you find out though as I agree that as he has access to your son, you need to know

OP why did you allow him access? You dropped your son off? WHY??? You should have declined access until you know what it is. I don't understand why you allowed him access to your son. Why didn't you just say I'm refusing access until I know what it is?

@Migrainesbythedozen

OP why did you allow him access? You dropped your son off? WHY??? You should have declined access until you know what it is. I don't understand why you allowed him access to your son. Why didn't you just say I'm refusing access until I know what it is?

While I agree in principle she should be able to do this (obviously), if there has been court involvement before then she may be hauled to court for parental alienation so I understand her wanting to find out if there was any way of discovering the info herself first so she could have it ready for any court involvement - which is why she asked on here for advice I think.

OP this shouldn't be on you at all, what a horrible situation you are in having to deal with these people.
I understand you taking a step back from it because it must be like banging your head against a brick wall.
The only thing I would say, if you're planning on revisiting this, I'd be very careful sending your child to him because it could be viewed in the light of "if you thought it was serious then why did you let him go/why did you put him at risk of you thought something was going on". I've had this advice from women's aid before about concerns I've had. If you feel like you've reach a dead end then maybe contact them be hire sending your son.

You can't just stop access for no reason anymore even if you have proof you still need to return to court for a variation