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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:

lucie82 · 11/01/2022 18:29

How's your relationship with his mam? Would she tell you?

Vynalbob · 11/01/2022 18:30

the info is published on the website usually... unless rules have been changed... ask someone who likes finding info on the Internet to have a look... should just need a name + date at court.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 11/01/2022 18:43

Hope you find out op, considering the previous history and him not wanting to tell you makes me think that it’s all very dodgy

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 11/01/2022 18:58

So he won't tell you why because you will tell everyone tbh he has a right to not tell you and if it would affect your child you would be contacted,

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 11/01/2022 19:12

Don't allow him to have your son every other weekend. Just say I can't trust you, you've been to court and you have to presume as you won't tell me, its the same as last time, driving and drugs. Up to him if he tells you, up to you if you feel your soon may be affected.

Pinklilly123 · 11/01/2022 19:28

If your concern is the safety of your son you could contact social care and explain that you have concerns. As previous poster said they may not divulge the nature of the offence but they will establish the risk and act accordingly. They have to. At least you know then that someone has risk assessed it on your behalf OP? It may be the only option although if you tell your ex you plan to contact sc he might just tell you to avoid this?

Suzanne999 · 11/01/2022 19:30

I wonder if the local newspaper had a reporter in court who’d tell you?
With your ex’s track record you’re right to be concerned for your DC. Hope you find out.

Wednesdayafternoon · 11/01/2022 19:32

Op could you ring social services and advise you're concerned? Sorry if this has already been suggested. It could literally be anything, you need to know and the fact he won't tell you or anyone is enough to cause concern!

Hope you're ok

Mumkins42 · 11/01/2022 19:32

I really feel your stress in this, it is such a difficult position and you just want to protect your child.
The suggestion ref speaking to social services sounds reasonable under the circumstances. You can explain you have no complaints other than a real concern about this in light of historic events.
I personally see a counselor and have done for years. Having their view and guidance on issues such as things going on under ex's care has been invaluable. You're also bringing a third party in and making them aware of what may be a risk to your child.
Such a tough one as this could be about anything and not necessarily a crime putting your son at risk

nitsandwormsdodger · 11/01/2022 19:33

It achually doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, theft or violence ??you should. Make contact for your son safe from now on so apply to either end contact or use a contact centre, I can’t think of a crime that would be acceptable

Mumkins42 · 11/01/2022 19:43

I can see crimes that would not stop me agreeing to access between a son and father to be perfectly honest. You have to weigh up the risks, the history and the current situation.

As an aside, do you speak with your son ref how it is when with his dad. Do you get any sense he doesn't feel safe, is he saying anything to worry you. All these issues alongside knowing what this court case was about are really important.

Just telling him how it will be as suggested doesn't often work well, particularly if he's volatile. These things need gentle handling, which I sense you already know and are figuring out ways of handling rather than guns blazing.

Getting as many people on side to support and get clarity is really important for you. Best of luck,you sound like a good mum and will find a way

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 19:49

@Bubblesandsqueak1

So he won't tell you why because you will tell everyone tbh he has a right to not tell you and if it would affect your child you would be contacted,

This isn't true though.

If he had another charge of drug driving, OP has a right to know so that she can consider safeguarding measures to keep her child safe in his care. But if the charge doesn't directly involve her son being in the car, for example, she wouldn't know and would therefore be unable to safeguard her son as much as she could if she knew what the charge was for.

Surely you can see that there's a balance between right to reasonable privacy and child safeguarding? The latter must be prioritised.

And let's be honest, if it was genuinely not something that affects his ability to safely care for his son he would likely have shared by now. He hasn't, which is telling.

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2022 19:54

The problem is the amount of crimes a parent can do and still see there child is lengthy in my personal experience of myself and close friends are

Sexual assault on a minor girl, still allowed access to minor sons under his mums supervision
Rape, no action
Assault, no action
Loss of licence, no action
Harassment and stalking, no action
Domestic violence, (children not present) no action

And so it goes on

JakeyRolling · 11/01/2022 20:03

@Maighnuad

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/search-judgments/sheriff-court

But it may take some time

Unless the case has a significant legal point it will not appear online. Only a very small proportion of the hundred of cases heard daily have a written judgment published.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2022 20:05

Only crimes where he would be a threat his son would prevent access.

Nailsbythesea · 11/01/2022 20:09

I would contact your local Cafcass and just put in writing via a solicitor that he was previously convicted of x offence on this date .... and you recently discovered he was in court again on this date but that despite trying to discuss it amicably with him -he was refused to tell you the charge. Given that he is indeed innocent until proven guility -he could be innocent but you might have grounds to stop contact until he either tells you he was innocent or else tells you the offence he was convicted of.
Solicitor letter I think .........

BellatricksStrange · 11/01/2022 20:14

@bravermanclan

He is just off the phone and said he has told his mum but is still refusing to tell me what it is! I almost think it's like a power move on his part, like he knows it's frustrating me and he's almost getting a kick out of not telling me. When I said I will have to speak to my lawyer about this incase it will impact visitation with our son and he just said 'as you please' 🤯

Sorry but you seem to be quite a nosy bully. He's your ex and doesn't owe you any explanation. And using your child as leverage to violate his privacy is really low. Your kid is in no danger from his father, and you know it. So stop pretending you're motivated by concern.

nitsandwormsdodger · 11/01/2022 20:21

Do you have Sara’s Clare’s law in scotland ? Get a friend to go into the police station and say they have started dating him and want to know if he has any convictions or can you do s DBS on him ?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:22

@BellatricksStrange

Your kid is in no danger from his father, and you know it.

How can you possibly state that so confidently?! "And you know it". You don't know OP or her ex.

And if he has a previous conviction for drug driving causing a crash on a motorway then I think most responsible parents would want to know if it was a similar offence again so that they could take legal guidance on how to safeguard their child from not being driven by someone with multiple driving convictions, for example.

If it's something that doesn't endanger his son, he should share with the mother of his child what it is so she doesn't worry or feel she has to put in additional safeguards, or damage their relationship as co-parents.

So stop pretending you're motivated by concern.

Do you know this guy or something? How can you possibly know OP's motivations? It's a ridiculous thing to say.

Any decent parent with an ex who has drug driving convictions, who is due in court but refusing to reveal why, would assume that it's something that would worry them as a parent... otherwise the other parent would tell them what it is or give a rough idea.

Maybe raise your bar.

IamGusFring · 11/01/2022 20:24

@Bubblesandsqueak1

So he won't tell you why because you will tell everyone tbh he has a right to not tell you and if it would affect your child you would be contacted,

If it were my child I would consider than ANY crime would affect my child . OP take this up with the right authority .

BellatricksStrange · 11/01/2022 20:24

How can you possibly know OP's motivations?

It's blatantly obvious from her posts that she's resentful because her ex won't tell her what she wants to know. A story she's not actually entitled to.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:25

@nitsandwormsdodger

OP wouldn't need to get a friend to do a Sarah's Law or Clare's Law check, she could do it herself as someone in proximity to the person I think and only 'relevant' convictions (risks to a past partner's safety or a child's safety are revealed I believe. So if someone had previous for affect, with no indication they are a domestic abuser, for example, that wouldn't show up. The police base judgement of what to share on relevant and risk of repeat similar offending.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:25

To be clear, I meant:

The police base judgement of what to share on relevant and risk of repeat similar offending when it comes to what they reveal to applicants of a Clare's law or Sarah's law check.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2022 20:27

@BellatricksStrange

How can you possibly know OP's motivations?

It's blatantly obvious from her posts that she's resentful because her ex won't tell her what she wants to know. A story she's not actually entitled to.

You don't think her resentment towards him might be based on the fact this is the second time he's been in court in two years, risking going to prison and in one case risking dying / killing / injuring other people by having an accident drug driving on a motorway? You wouldn't resent a man who did that and instead of cleaning his act up, did something else to risk him being put in prison? What a very low bar to set for a father.

Dontknowwhattodo99 · 11/01/2022 20:38

The Scottish version of Clare’s law requires the recipient of any disclosure to actually be in a relationship with the person, an ex partner will not be given any information, and it’s details of crimes/behaviours of a domestic abuse/violence nature only.

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