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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 10/01/2022 20:25

@limitedperiodonly has given you a step by step process of how to find out the information you need by applying to the court for it.

You could keep asking your ex and he can keep saying no, or you can take the advice given to you by someone who clearly does this as part of their daily employment! Thus somewhat of an expert Confused

Original poster
bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 20:26

@Potterybarniclemum

If it was to do with a child social would have already been in contact the truth is the reason is unknown, why do people on here always assume the worst when it comes to men, and the criminal courts aren’t as open as you think, they hold closed door trials all the time and there’s been no inclination a child was involved in the offence so why assume so
I don't think a child was involved in the offence, not at all. But say for instance he has been caught driving under the influence AGAIN or selling drugs...I need to know that to make the right decision for our son. When he was using drugs around the same time he crashed his car on the motorway going 80 mph (he is extremely lucky to be alive), he was in not fit state to have our son so wasn't allowed him unsupervised. If he has been caught drug dealing (I only mention this because it's something I know he has done in the past) then once again I need to know as my son can't be around that.

He won't confirm or deny anything either, he won't confirm whether it's a traffic crime, drug crime, sex crime, violent crime or something as simple as not paying his TV licence or a fine.

I have no idea and I think - even more so due to his past - I have an absolute right to know. He doesn't need to go into details but I should know.

OP posts:
Original poster
bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 20:27

[quote Ohpulltheotherone]@limitedperiodonly has given you a step by step process of how to find out the information you need by applying to the court for it.

You could keep asking your ex and he can keep saying no, or you can take the advice given to you by someone who clearly does this as part of their daily employment! Thus somewhat of an expert Confused[/quote]
As stated, I have phoned the court today and was told they cannot and will not give out any information in relation to an offence to a random person.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 20:31

@Potterybarniclemum

If it was to do with a child social would have already been in contact the truth is the reason is unknown, why do people on here always assume the worst when it comes to men, and the criminal courts aren’t as open as you think, they hold closed door trials all the time and there’s been no inclination a child was involved in the offence so why assume so
If he has been for example caught drink driving or drug driving again, you genuinely don't think it's in his child's best interest for the mum to know about it so she can put in as many safeguarding measures as possible to try to stop her child being driven by him for example? Because he has form for it so a repeat offence within the same category would be (for responsible parents) cause for concern about him driving children, even if a child wasn't present in the car for his drug / drink driving offences. Your attitude seems to be either blissfully ignorant of necessary safeguarding or flippant about children's safety.
Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:35

I do understand what you are saying, you might be better speaking to someone that knows him someone like a mutual friend or something, it is suspicious that he won’t say, it could be something serious or he’s doing it to annoy you, have you said to him you are concerned about your child op? You could just say that if he doesn’t tell you you might not be able to let him have contact for your child’s safety? Which given your concern and his past I think would be reasonable

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 20:39

@Potterybarniclemum

I do understand what you are saying, you might be better speaking to someone that knows him someone like a mutual friend or something, it is suspicious that he won’t say, it could be something serious or he’s doing it to annoy you, have you said to him you are concerned about your child op? You could just say that if he doesn’t tell you you might not be able to let him have contact for your child’s safety? Which given your concern and his past I think would be reasonable
Thank god youve changed your tune from "you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes"

Refreshing for someone to (almost) admit they were wrong to name call an OP for wanting to safeguard their child.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/01/2022 20:42

I've just looked at my local court via the link provided upthread.

It DOES show charges. There's everything on there, assaults, drink driving, knife crimes etc..

Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:45

I will happily admit I was wrong and I do apologise, sincerely, after reading OPs responses I can understand her concern and I hope that he does tell op the reason

timeisnotaline · 10/01/2022 20:45

@Potterybarniclemum

The man has a fundamental right to privacy, it obviously has nothing to do with you, you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes
Rubbish. His prior offence makes it very clear his offence could affect their child together. Driving while high and crashing the car is not the kind of parent behaviour you want to let your child go and stay with.
Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:47

I’d just like to say also that there is the possibility he will be found not guilty and not be prosecuted in which case I’m not sure if that information would be publicly available although I could be mistaken

Original poster
bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 21:22

@Potterybarniclemum

I will happily admit I was wrong and I do apologise, sincerely, after reading OPs responses I can understand her concern and I hope that he does tell op the reason
No worries Smile
OP posts:
Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 21:26

@bravermanclan

I work
So you get annual leave?
jelly79 · 10/01/2022 21:27

I agree with you OP! I would absolutely want to know if I were you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/01/2022 21:33

@Offmyfence read the thread.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/01/2022 21:33

I would also want to know op. Do you speak to his mum?

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 21:33

[quote TabithaTittlemouse]@Offmyfence read the thread.[/quote]
Yeah read it now, but sorry emergency leave?

BigYellowHat · 10/01/2022 21:36

Definitely go. I went to the court when my ex was done for drink driving for the second time. His face when I walked in was priceless 😂

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 21:36

@bravermanclan I do sympathise. But they have to provide basic public information which would be affirmation of appearance and either acquittal or conviction and sentence. A journalist who asked is no more important than you and they'd get it. Give it another go and tell them that.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 21:39

Or ask them where they publish judgements so you can look it up. Remind them it is a matter of public record and it is your right as a citizen to know.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 21:42

If not, contact your MP and say the court is withholding public information. That's what they're there for.

TubbyMcFatfuck · 10/01/2022 21:42

[quote limitedperiodonly]@bravermanclan I do sympathise. But they have to provide basic public information which would be affirmation of appearance and either acquittal or conviction and sentence. A journalist who asked is no more important than you and they'd get it. Give it another go and tell them that.[/quote]
The court can confirm appearance only. They will not provide information on conviction or sentence.
The press are entitled to information that the general public are not.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 10/01/2022 21:43

The replies are hilarious:

Tell SS!
Don't tell Ss!
You have no right to know!
You have the right to know!
You can find out from the court!
You can't find out from the court!

I wish people wouldn't post unless they actually know what they're talking about...

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 10/01/2022 21:44

@elelel

But did he have any access to your daughter?

Did you not read the post you quoted?

This. She was having overnight stays with him!

There are some very hard of thinking people on here.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 21:48

@TubbyMcFatfuck define press

Joined4this · 10/01/2022 22:02

Not helpful to this thread but if you ho to streetcheck.co.uk and type in your postcode then click on crime it will tell you all the crimes in the half mile around you and their status. So if you knew, for example, that an assault had happened on drugdealer street on 02/01/22 you could cross reference and see whether anyone had been charged for that crime yet.