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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:
Ozanj · 10/01/2022 15:36

Judgements might be found here

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/search-judgments/sheriff-court

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:39

@Christinatherabbit

Do NOT call SS it could cause them to open a case regarding your son and you really don't need that!
And?

If there’s a case, there’s a case

JakeyRolling · 10/01/2022 15:40

[quote Ozanj]Judgements might be found here

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/search-judgments/sheriff-court[/quote]
Not every case is published online. There's hundreds called every day and tees one or two a week there

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:40

@bibliomania

I wasn't told that dd's father was facing rape charges. The report had been made by a teenage girl. DD, also a teenage girl, was having overnight stays with him, so I would have expected some kind of risk assessment. Nothing. He told me himself in the end, and it was in the local paper. (Dd's fine, thank God).
But did he have any access to your daughter?
elelel · 10/01/2022 15:47

But did he have any access to your daughter?

Did you not read the post you quoted?

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:49

Ah yes

She would have been notified if found guilty I suppose.

TubbyMcFatfuck · 10/01/2022 16:07

[quote Whatayear81]@TubbyMcFatfuck

Is the press still allowed in?[/quote]
Yes. The press are allowed to sit in the court room and they are free to request to see copy complaints.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/01/2022 16:19

@elelel

Sorry, I picked you up wrong
Not a problem. It happens Smile
Hugoslavia · 10/01/2022 16:53

Well, I would be threatening to talk to his family about it anyway if he doesn't tell you or else go for full custody. You could ask the court when the next court date/sentencing hearing will be if there is one.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 16:59

@bravermanclan

Just spoke to someone at sheriff court. They said they can't give information over the phone?
They are right about not having to give information over the phone but they have to give it. It is a matter of public record. It's even more important now there are covid restrictions preventing people sitting in the public gallery.

I am in England. Scottish courts are slightly different but the same rules on public justice apply. It's vital when you think about it. We do not have secret courts. That is for rogue states where inconvenient people disappear.

Anyone who tells you different and quotes GDPR at you even if they work in the Scottish courts, is misinformed.

You may have to submit your questions by email which is fair enough. It's easy. Call the court and you will probably get voice recorded multiple choice options. Keep going until you get something that seems to fit. Yours will be something like "outcomes of court appearances". You should then get a real person who will tell you over the phone (it is allowed) or may give you a dedicated email address which is usually courtname.co.gov.uk or maybe something slightly different in Scotland.

Your email should be polite and give:

  1. Correct name - date of birth is helpful particularly with common names but not essential. So is address but that might change so you should say it is for guidance only;
  2. Approximate date of appearance - again the exact date is helpful but it is not beyond someone's wit to look it up within a reasonable period of say six weeks;
  3. Charge - again only helpful because it could change up to a minute of the person appearing.

If you give all this information they must, by law, confirm the appearance and sentence or acquittal.

This is part of my job. It's very important that I confirm things. Most people understand this but some need prodding that it is actually a matter of public record and not some secret to be guarded among themselves. Some court staff are brilliantly friendly and would even say: "Ooh! I remember that one. She actually bit his car. Broke her teeth, mind!"

US and Australian courts are fabulous. It's all online but if you have to call US courts for clarification they usually call you Ma'am if they are in a southern state.

Good luck. You'll get there.

TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 17:10

@limitedperiodonly I think you may have misunderstood. No one is arguing the sentencing isn't public record. It's the charge OP is unaware of. How can you give the court the charge if you don't know it? That's the issue.

LSLLM · 10/01/2022 17:12

OP if it’s Edinburgh sheriff court, it can be done simply by emailing the request giving the court roll info and a DOB.

I’ve done it before.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 17:27

[quote TheWickedStepmum88]@limitedperiodonly I think you may have misunderstood. No one is arguing the sentencing isn't public record. It's the charge OP is unaware of. How can you give the court the charge if you don't know it? That's the issue.[/quote]
As I said you don't have to give a charge because you might not know or it might change. It would be helpful for guidance but not essential.

It's the correct name that is most important along with other details that would help with identification. It's not hard for court staff to look up and anyone who says that in the face of appropriate additional information is lying. This is my job.

I once asked for James Lastname of Acacia Street, Townsville, who appeared in court in March and the woman I got from the court said she had no record and couldn't help.

I asked her to look again for J Lastname of Acacia Whatever and search from February to April. She found it. It just needed a bit of application and imagination. I shouldn't have had to tell her how to do her job but sometimes you have to and not take no as the first answer.

Florabelle · 10/01/2022 17:32

I’ve just been in jury duty in Scotland. It’s remote with jurors socially distanced in a cinema in my case and no public gallery so it’s not like normal non-Covid times. No reporters or members of public can attend so no point getting time off work. The lawyers and accused etc were in court but no one else (we weren’t as jurors)

mumshouse · 10/01/2022 17:38

He doesn't have to tell you. It isn't any of your business.

Because after all, a drive in a car with a parent off their head on drugs is such a jolly adventure for a child!

She parents her way, he parents high his way.

Original poster
bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 19:46

He is just off the phone and said he has told his mum but is still refusing to tell me what it is! I almost think it's like a power move on his part, like he knows it's frustrating me and he's almost getting a kick out of not telling me. When I said I will have to speak to my lawyer about this incase it will impact visitation with our son and he just said 'as you please' 🤯

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/01/2022 19:50

Then do exactly as you please.

He can't complain if it then turns out he was there for doing 80 in a 50 limit and got a 28 day ban. hHe could have just told you! As any decent human being would do if there was a child involved.

Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:10

The man has a fundamental right to privacy, it obviously has nothing to do with you, you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes

Original poster
bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 20:14

@Potterybarniclemum

The man has a fundamental right to privacy, it obviously has nothing to do with you, you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes
Not really when it could have a detrimental impact on my child.
OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 10/01/2022 20:15

@Potterybarniclemum

The man has a fundamental right to privacy, it obviously has nothing to do with you, you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes
Nah… criminal courts are public for a reason, child safety trumps privacy.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 20:17

@Potterybarniclemum

The man has a fundamental right to privacy, it obviously has nothing to do with you, you sound like your just being nosey and unfortunately the courts don’t have time to waste on crazy exes
He has previous for drug driving resulting in a motorway crash.

They share a child.

OP wanting to know what he has been charged with isn't her being nosey, it's her being a responsible parent.

Hapoydayz · 10/01/2022 20:19

The only crazy ex here is him and whatever he has done illegally. I guess potterbariclemum would just let her child go with whoever regardless of unknown pending charges.

Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:20

If it was to do with a child social would have already been in contact the truth is the reason is unknown, why do people on here always assume the worst when it comes to men, and the criminal courts aren’t as open as you think, they hold closed door trials all the time and there’s been no inclination a child was involved in the offence so why assume so

Potterybarniclemum · 10/01/2022 20:21

The courts obviously feel a right to privacy if they won’t give any information

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 10/01/2022 20:25

Google his name tomorrow.. Any charges may show up.

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