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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won't tell me what he's in court for

260 replies

bravermanclan · 10/01/2022 13:02

Me and my ex share 9 year old son. He is in court for the second time in 4 years today. I only found out due to a friend sending me the court roll. He is refusing to tell me what he is in court for (it is a criminal court). He says it's none of my business and he hasn't told his family and doesn't trust me not to.

When he was in court the last time it was because he crashed his car on the motorway high on drugs, I only found out when it appeared in the paper. He had seemed to clean himself up the past 3 years but now in court again for god knows what.

He has our son EOW. AIBU to think as we share a child I have the right to know why he is in court? What if he goes to prison? This impacts on our son!

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 10/01/2022 14:58

@Steelesauce

If it was child related, social services will have called you to ask about contact etc. You can always call social services and speak to them and gain advice on where to go with contact and they will look into it.
Social services mightn’t know. If OP’s ex wasn’t with his child at the time of the offence and didn’t mention his child, it’s unlikely the police would have made a report.

If he won’t tell you and you can’t get the information easily, you might want to get some legal advice about coming back to court. I know in England you could apply to the family court which would prompt updated safeguarding checks from Cafcass which would flag up any police involvement but it’s different in Scotland and I’m not sure how it would work there.

Emmelina · 10/01/2022 14:59

Have you tried a Google search or the websites of local newspapers? Occasionally they’ll name people arrested or charged when it happens.

bibliomania · 10/01/2022 15:05

I wasn't told that dd's father was facing rape charges. The report had been made by a teenage girl. DD, also a teenage girl, was having overnight stays with him, so I would have expected some kind of risk assessment. Nothing. He told me himself in the end, and it was in the local paper. (Dd's fine, thank God).

OhGiveUp · 10/01/2022 15:09

It's not HER son, it's THEIR son. They're both his parents unless it was an immaculate conception!
You don't have a right to know. If it was anything to be concerned about as far as his child goes, you would be notified.

Crystalvas · 10/01/2022 15:09

@Lockheart

I'm not sure you have the right to know per se but you should certainly be able to find out easily enough. And it's definitely information which would be useful for you to have in terms of dealing with the fallout for your child!
Of course OP should have a right to know. Especially if he has a history of drug abuse which could be a safety issue for her DC in many ways.
gogohm · 10/01/2022 15:11

Public record, you can see the charges beforehand and the results afterwards

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/01/2022 15:12

@gogohm

Public record, you can see the charges beforehand and the results afterwards
Except you cannot see the charges beforehand.

Go have a look. I did. Others have. You get name, court and listing date.

strawberrymilk7 · 10/01/2022 15:12

I would want to know!

SmellyOldOwls · 10/01/2022 15:13

If it's anything serious it'll be in the paper. If not it's maybe something like he didn't pay his tv licence.

GorgonzolaSouffle · 10/01/2022 15:17

Drink driving
Drugs
ABH
GBH

Of course she should know. He shares some custody of their son. If no children involved, not her business but they do have a child together.

Andy2555 · 10/01/2022 15:20

I know that in Edinburgh sherif court there is an information desk as soon as you enter, I assume the others are the same, try giving them a call,I’m not sure if they’d tell you the reason but worth a try

elelel · 10/01/2022 15:20

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Go have a look. I did. Others have. You get name, court and listing date.

Have a look where?

MimiDaisy11 · 10/01/2022 15:22

@OhGiveUp

It's not HER son, it's THEIR son. They're both his parents unless it was an immaculate conception! You don't have a right to know. If it was anything to be concerned about as far as his child goes, you would be notified.
So she should just assume the authorities would never make a mistake and let something slip through the cracks? Because that never happens? If it’s another driving offence I’m not even sure they’d report it to SS.
Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:24

Talk immediately to your boss

This is completely reasonable grounds

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/01/2022 15:24

[quote elelel]@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Go have a look. I did. Others have. You get name, court and listing date.

Have a look where? [/quote]
I Googled it and got a few hits, searchable.

"Scotland court case listings"

www.scotcourts.gov.uk/current-business/court-rolls/sheriff-court

elelel · 10/01/2022 15:26

That does not tell you WHY though

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:27

@OhGiveUp

It's not HER son, it's THEIR son. They're both his parents unless it was an immaculate conception! You don't have a right to know. If it was anything to be concerned about as far as his child goes, you would be notified.
Who by?

He has his child every other weekend

Op wasn’t notified re the drink driving charge

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:27

She’d only be notified if it was related to a sexual offence

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/01/2022 15:28

@elelel

That does not tell you WHY though
Which was the point I was making!
elelel · 10/01/2022 15:29

I must have misread. There is not much point in anyone looking for information they already have.

elelel · 10/01/2022 15:29

Sorry, I picked you up wrong

TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 15:31

You can't be forced to give up private information like that. OP can't be forced to share info with her child's parent that she doesn't want to share either.

Regardless of what we think should happen or she should be allowed to know about, none of that is helpful because it won't change the fact that OP has no way of finding out unless she goes and sits in court if COVID rules allow it (based on what other more knowledgeable posters have said), somehow convinces the dad to share it with her, or waits until the verdict.

Whatayear81 · 10/01/2022 15:32

@TubbyMcFatfuck

Is the press still allowed in?

JakeyRolling · 10/01/2022 15:34

Everyone saying "the courts do X, Y and Z" please note that the legal system in Scotland is completely different to the rest of the UK.

As PPs have said, here you can normally sit in the public gallery but covid has put a stop to that for now - that's what's meant by public/open justice. Not that you get full access to papers or told info over the phone

JakeyRolling · 10/01/2022 15:34

[quote Whatayear81]@TubbyMcFatfuck

Is the press still allowed in?[/quote]
Yes