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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incompetent DH - school run

175 replies

Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 08:57

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

OP posts:
CanofCant · 10/01/2022 09:03

Of course YANBU.

araiwa · 10/01/2022 09:03

He asked a question, that's all. Maybe you did it before gym or last night.

Why is your first reaction to be nasty and angry?

LawnFever · 10/01/2022 09:08

No you’re not being unreadable, next time just tell him no as it’s his day to get them sorted.

Weren’t they really late if they should’ve left at 8.05 and you were still supervising them at 8.45?

namechange30455 · 10/01/2022 09:09

Does a 9yo really need a lot of help getting dressed and cleaning their teeth?

On the face of it you sound very tense over one innocent question but I suspect this is part of a much wider pattern!

Ohyesiam · 10/01/2022 09:09

@araiwa

He asked a question, that's all. Maybe you did it before gym or last night.

Why is your first reaction to be nasty and angry?

I find the pointless, obvious or ‘hidden agenda’ questions that my husband asks are one of the things that make me most angry.
namechange30455 · 10/01/2022 09:10

I assumed 8:45 was a typo for 7:45 tbh @LawnFever but yes if they were that late that's clearly ridiculous on his part.

coodawoodashooda · 10/01/2022 09:11

You need to get changed at the gym for your work.

3scape · 10/01/2022 09:13

You need to make yourself completely unavailable. Why does he need help to get children ready?

CrossStichQueen · 10/01/2022 09:13

You need to get changed at the gym for your work

Why?

LawnFever · 10/01/2022 09:14

@namechange30455

I assumed 8:45 was a typo for 7:45 tbh *@LawnFever* but yes if they were that late that's clearly ridiculous on his part.
Ah yeah probably, I’m not awake properly yet myself, I was easily confused Grin
PatriotCanes · 10/01/2022 09:14

I think you need to go for a coffee after your gym class and come back at 8.06am.

RoseAndRose · 10/01/2022 09:15

I think you need to stay on for a quick chat or coffee with others in the class, getting you back at about 8:10

Sally872 · 10/01/2022 09:17

Your answer was snappy. It was a stupid question I would likely have responded similarly but simply saying no would have been better.

Yanbu to expect him to get dc ready or start encouraging/teaching dc to do it himself.

timeisnotaline · 10/01/2022 09:17

YANBU!! Agree with others to shower at gym and not come home (or if you wfh not come home till they have left).

Bagelsandbrie · 10/01/2022 09:19

@RoseAndRose

I think you need to stay on for a quick chat or coffee with others in the class, getting you back at about 8:10
Yep this. Until he gets it.

He’s trying to make you default parent.

Foolsrule · 10/01/2022 09:20

Surely he gets the snack as it’s his day. Why would he think you would? And then ask such a stupid question? I’m team OP. Just another example of a man trying to fob off his responsibilities onto the one with the uterus Confused

OrangeShark27 · 10/01/2022 09:21

So what did he actually do to get the DC ready for school?

Hemingwayscatz · 10/01/2022 09:23

Is your 9 year old NT? I’m just wondering why they need help getting dressed and having their teeth brushed. I have a 9 year old and she’s been doing all of this independently for years, she’d also definitely get her own snack ready. She does her own lunchbox and breakfast anyway.

Original poster
Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 09:28

Yes 08:45 was a typo, I meant 07:45
@araiwa and @namechange30455 - exasperation at the stupid question that he knows the answer to maybe? And left to their own devices DC would faff about playing with the cat or somethign else, they're a bit ofa day dreamer so more chivvying along than helping
Thanks everyone else - I like the idea of getting ready for work at the gym and simply not being there.
@Foolsrule - yes this! There is a chart on the wall of what DC's activities are that day, what equpiment is needed and pick up times etc but still I get asked "what does DC need today" I have started saying "I can't remeber, it's on the chart"

OP posts:
KO81 · 10/01/2022 09:28

@araiwa

He asked a question, that's all. Maybe you did it before gym or last night.

Why is your first reaction to be nasty and angry?

Because she knows her incompetent husband better than you? His instant strop is telling. I’m guessing, due to her compulsion to start a thread about him, it’s not the first time he’s behaved this way.

The posters who consistently defend the ankle-height bar for male parenting need to have a think.

Seeline · 10/01/2022 09:28

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner?
School run means:
eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time.
And then leave him to it.

ZenNudist · 10/01/2022 09:29

Another one who thinks at 9 the main task if school run is chivvying, checking they've done stuff and then transport.

But no he should have checked the snack situation himself not asked you.

FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 09:30

Honestly OP yanbu but really....at 9 your child should be able to get themselves ready without supervision AND get their own snack. I'd understand you wanting to get them breakfast etc...some DC are still a bit incapable in the kitchen but surely he or she can choose a piece of fruit for their snack and clean their teeth alone!

BlingLoving · 10/01/2022 09:31

I assume there's a bigger story here around him regularly taking on tasks but only the very specific task eg load the dishwasher but then leaving the non-dishwasher things in the sink, not wiping down surfaces etc etc?

That would have annoyed me too but I'd probably just about have managed to say, "no" and then would have been rolling my eyes aggressively to myself!

DD commented the other day that on Daddy days they're often late. She also commented that daddy doesn't rush them..... she's made the causal link (also, daddy doesn't get around to giving them breakfast until quite late after they've worked up, delaying everything else....But she didn't clock that one).

FutureExH · 10/01/2022 09:32

@Pixilicious

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

You're not being unreasonable in your expectations but you are being sexist by saying things like:

"due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?"

The reason you have to do it is because of your lazy husband, not men in general! I had a wife who was just like your husband, except she would still have been in bed when I got back.

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