Incompetent DH - school run

[Pixilicious]

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

@Seeline

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner? School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time. And then leave him to it.

NO NO NO!

Why does mum know what they need and dad doesn't?
How did mum come by this magical knowledge, perhaps the school fairies imparted it to her on the day their dc started school?

Why should she need to tell her dh this information?

Not that they have a chart on the wall with the needs on different days, which he already doesn't use. And guess who made the chart? Was it dad? Was it bugger.

It's a 'role' thing. If you are present in the house then you are the 'Mummy' and both child and partner have to refer to you/check in with you as the authority. Your partner obviously presumes you are responsible and controlling everything when you are present (in the house). You are the Director of Children. He's only the
This is the part you have to make clear to him. Because he's not conscious he's in that role when you are there. He'll automatically pass over the reins once your presence is detected.
If he's not an 'incompetent' person then there's another explanation and this hierarchy of roles explains it.
We women often 'mother' our partners unconsciously before we have kids. Then when kids come along this role remains only it broadens out to include the kids.

Apart from the fact that at 9, DC should be quite capable of sorting themselves in the morning, albeit they might need the “gentle” reminder to get a bloody move on, yes would be irritating if a partner is incapable of making sure it’s done.

Yanbu

My ex H who worked 3 mins drive away was awful at this, strategic incompetence in parenting- forgetting packed lunches if made night before and never finding it possible to make a nursery bag up and refill it . It all fell to me which is one of many reasons why I divorced him.

It was easier to have him not there and do it all myself than to feel constantly frustrated as he was unreliable when there were two adults supposedly patenting .

Once my exH dropped our youngest off at wrong place (nursery not childminder) in the very few times he did hemp out - despite me commuting further and his being 4 mins drive away at his work from home and nursery - he declined all the calls from nursery asking him ' why do we have DD (age 2) left here come collect her!' and childminder asking 'where she was?!'

I had to drive 45 mins to collect and take her to right place. It's not like it was a new arrangement! She'd been doing different set days for 16 months. And exH was "too busy" when I got hold of him and said no when I suggested he go fix this as he was you 5 mins drive away from nursery and childminder and is was his mistake. I was with a patient when I got the call & had to arrange cover for 2 hours in the end !!!
I got the rage 😡 from that . He just thought it was funny.

I'm not saying that Dad needs to be taught!

Im suggesting that some communication might be in order!!

What one person perceives to be a specific task isn't always what someone else sees. Just makes sure all are aware what the process involves.

he declined all the calls from nursery asking him ' why do we have DD (age 2) left here come collect her!' and childminder asking 'where she was?!'

A stranger walks in and drops off a child and they say nothing? How did they know your number to call to come and get her?

@BoredZelda

he declined all the calls from nursery asking him ' why do we have DD (age 2) left here come collect her!' and childminder asking 'where she was?!'

A stranger walks in and drops off a child and they say nothing? How did they know your number to call to come and get her?

He wasn't a stranger he is their parents whom they met. The nursery nurse didn't che k as they have Dd two days a week but not the third

They used their records toget our numbers. And when exh didn't respond they left me a message and I replied but but then xh had said "call my wife as I am busy" ...

Yes it was completely shit parent move by my ExH which as I said was one of many reasons I divorced him

@boredzelda

I went straight out to collect DD. Paid the extra hours to nursery and apologised to childminder and nursery on behalf of my exH , their dad

And nursery tightened up their sign in process all as a result of it.

Because who does that?
Makes a mistake then refuses to collect their DC ?! It's just it took me longer to fix it as I was already at work

Believe me he did worse once he had contact and eventually he ended up with supervised contact for 2 years

My point was don't put up with strategic incompetence in parenting ...!!! It's part of a bigger picture

@theemperorhasnoclothes

The posters who consistently defend the ankle-height bar for male parenting need to have a think.

This might be one of my favourite posts on MN ever. 'ankle height bar for male parenting' sums it up perfectly.

Apparently it's completely reasonable to expect a 9 year old to step in for an inadequate male parent. Some 9 year olds are really independent, others aren't but an ADULT MAN should be able to support their 9 year old child to get ready if not completely capable of doing it all themselves yet.

It's quite some patriarchal mental gymnastics to simultaneously hold the belief that a 9 year old should be able to get themselves ready and remember everything with no parental input at all and also that it's totally fine for a fully adult father to have to ask his wife for help with getting the 9 year old ready when he's completely aware it's his responsibility on that day and that she hasn't had time to do any of it. And to 'have a strop' when she responds that she hasn't done any of his tasks.

I think the thread yesterday defending the mostly absent father staying in bed until lunchtime while his eight year old daughter looked after herself, was ignored when she tried to wake him and kicked her heels on her own, pushed me over the edge a bit.

I can’t work out if it’s competitive “I’m so chilled” on here, or if some posters just genuinely believe men should be allowed a lesser responsibility for their kids’ welfare. Either way, bleak.

@BoredZelda
DD went there twice a week just not in that day so it wasn't strangers dropping off a random child!

@BoredZelda
Reread the post.

I think if my exh used the energy that he expends fighting not to have any of the knowledge in his head, he’d have time and energy to do the parenting properly!

I mean it must take actual effort not to let things stick in his mind!

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think if my exh used the energy that he expends fighting not to have any of the knowledge in his head, he’d have time and energy to do the parenting properly!

I mean it must take actual effort not to let things stick in his mind!

Agree

They can just write a list

I find it strange that a griwn ass adult man (or woman tho far less often) cannot write a list if they can't remember what needs to be done to get a child ready for school and remember gje important stuff. It's entirely unfair to leave one parent actually parenting and the other abdicating their responsibilities - bc they are strategically incompetent at parenting

It's not rocket science
We all know children need feeding each day at school so why is it difficult?

DH had a Mother who was a Lady that most definitely lunched who also had servants to do everything. So his childhood was non standard From day one I made it perfectly clear I wasn’t taking on all the mental load and I never ever gave in. If he couldn’t find his own socks what did I care. I remember virtually laughing in his face when he suggested the first year we were together that I write all the Christmas cards.

Due to work I used to leave very early in the morning so DH had to do all school runs unless he was overseas and I used to drop DS at breakfast club.

You just don’t do stuff and don’t run about after men.

Here is a perfect example of extreme differences in dealing with men. One weekend an old school friend and mine met up for a weekend in Oxford a journey of around 100 miles each. We both have DS of similar ages. She had cooked two meals for her partner to heat up. DH said what shall I do about food? I said see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge open it and look inside bye I’m off to get my train.

I am absolutely flabbergasted by the - "you need to organise your husband/don't go to the gym/do it the night before/your parenting is rubbish if your child needs a nudge of a morning" posters, I hadn't realised I'd gone back in time/had entered a parenting competition to see whose child was the best!
And thank you to all the rest of you who understand the frustration.

@Pixilicious
Oh most of us understand your frustration and sympathise !!

SIP is what I call it (strategic incompetent parenting )

"Don't do a SiP on me... You are their dad and perfectly capable adult ..! I have 3 children not four! They have two parents not one.."

Anyway @CharSiu

Love this..!
We both have DS of similar ages. She had cooked two meals for her partner to heat up. DH said what shall I do about food? I said see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge open it and look inside bye I’m off to get my train.

It's a 'role' thing. If you are present in the house then you are the 'Mummy' and both child and partner have to refer to you/check in with you as the authority. Your partner obviously presumes you are responsible and controlling everything when you are present (in the house). You are the Director of Children.

I think this is very accurate. And very very irritating. It took me years to break DH of this and I still haven't 100% nailed it. He could and would do what needed doing if I was not present, but the moment we were both in the house, I defaulted to "person in charge" in his head. And part of why it was so hard to fix was it took me quite a while to work out what was happening and to realise it wasn't okay. I was just getting more and more resentful that he didn't step up. And he thought I was being a crazy control freak.

Yesterday, I got up early as I had to work and the DC had an activity. I woke DH and the DC up after I'd been working for an hour and a half already (because obviously, it hadn't occurred to him to set an alarm even though he knew we were all going out at 11) and told him that he has to sort the kids and himself because I was going to be working up until the last minute before we left to get everything done. He did it, but with quite bad grace (because he cannot or will not acknowledge that he's pissed that he has to do it alone even though it's not exactly complex - breakfast, teeth, dressed) until DS shouted at him, "why are you in such a bad mood?" In his defence, he snapped out of it at that point - not sure if he realised what he was doing or not, but either way, he stopped.

@Ohmybod

I sympathise OP. I had the charts on the fridge door and endless messages and confirmations etc about what needs done and still my DH asked me the same questions every week. After one too many passive aggressive mornings we sat down and agreed to be kinder to each other. He would listen better and I wouldn’t snap. We agreed that the ‘morning’ person is responsible for it all. Then no need to ask. It helps us to keep all info on the chart and if a question does come up I just cheerfully say “check the chart” or for ad hoc stuff “check your messages”…because 100% I have already informed of what he needs to do/where he needs to be.

At the same time we are also drilling our 9yo. At this stage they really need to be packing their own bags and dressing etc if not already. It’s a highly frustrating process but will be worth it in the end.

That’s great it worked out for you. The truth is I don’t really have it in me to be kinder in the face of this kind of incompetence. I just say I don’t know, imagine you’re her parent and think what they would do. I don’t know, what would a capable adult in your place do? Just no tolerance for being pathetic when he is a capable adult. And this doesn’t really come up anymore.

Oh wow, I feel this. If I don't leave my DH with absolute perfect minute by minute instructions, fuck all gets done. He is ND but also a lazy arse at times and the two together make an absolute disaster. He's taken the kids to school with one trainer and one school shoe on, taken them dressed in their PE kit because that's still school uniform apparently, not gotten them dressed or given them breakfast or any lunch at weekends because he himself wasn't hungry and considers them dressed because they're clothed in pyjamas. I literally have to leave instructions like

-When the children get up, go downstairs with them
-make them breakfast which is cereal or toast.
-give them breakfast and a drink at the table

• breakfast bowls go in the dishwasher when they're finished eating.
• help children to get dressed into appropriate clothes (here I will have to list what's appropriate for the weather or indicate that I have put an outfit to one side for them and exactly where it is.)
• help children clean teeth.
• stay around children while they play or watch TV.
• if I am not back by lunchtime, make some cheese sandwiches for the children and let them choose a piece of fruit. Clear away all the mess from making the sandwiches.

Because if I don't his brain will not ever see it as essential.

Honestly, getting one 9 year old to school isn't that hard. Maybe in your head you expect it to be a much more stressful time of day than it actually is.

Presumably your daughter was fed and then went upstairs to brush her teeth and wash. You supervised her because you were there, but ultimately at her age it's not necessary. I'm sure if she came back down smeared in toothpaste your husband would have done something about it.

And he asks if you've done her snack. You snap and then he does it anyway. No one should feel they can't ask a simple question in a relationship.

Communication is important.

You are the Director of Children !!

I love that phrase

Join it with my SIP
My NAV (No Added Value) phrase for new partners or NRPs!

And we actual real parents are on fire 🔥 today!!

Why when there are two parents does one have to manage the other parent? No you shouldn't have to !!! - and I have plenty of friends - together and separated/divorced- who work as genuine partners and actually parent together

My DCs will never flake out as parents in future as they've seen how shit it feels when their dad (a NRP for most of their life) flakes out. Even when he was home and we were together, he was a SIP and a DGH (dreadful goal hanger) taking credit for things he did nothing towards

My eldest is 19 now at a good uni and he cried over Xmas break saying how rubbish his dad is, how he has one parent he can rely on, and that he'll never take me for granted again! I don't think he really ever did ... He might have had his mardy moments when he thought I was "too mum" & "worried too much" as a growing teenager but he's a competent amazing young man because he had security from an actual parent! Who caught and still catches him when he needed or needs me.

Children just need you no matter what age and OPs partner is not taking account of that. Nor stepping up to be one of two parents 24/7.

It annoys me that in 2022 we are still hearing about SIP parents !!! Let's not accept it anymore!

@Snoozer11

I don't know if you read the OP and her updates fully
Or maybe those of us who are fed up of parenting more than our fair share always being DOC (Director of Children) for two adult parents may feel.

If you don't work, and have taken on all the responsibilities voluntarily then that is a choice you make but it's a 24/7 choice and some of us work equally hard as our male / or otherwise / partner parents.

There a difference between a communication and a lack of taking in parental role abdicating always to someone else . It was obvious to OP in her post that she hadn't had time to do that, her DH was in charge that morning and he didn't do the whole job. Why is she in charge of him? He has a mimr of his own and is a parent too and knows his children need food for the day! If it ain't in the fridge already made up then it isn't done and he needs to check and to do it. She's not staff !

Stay out longer :)

This is actually one of the reasons ex is an ex (not the biggest, but definitely in there) - it's actually easier being a single parent and doing it than spending time being voice activated google/disappointed in him all the time.

It's also why I'm trying to train my kids to do better - 'mum, where's my X'? 'I don't know, where did you put it' for example.

And DS1 has organisational difficulties, so it's literally training (bag, coat, glasses and lunch chant at the door for example).

I'm fucked if I'm going to give their future partners another man-child.

The weirdest thing is how some men, who were able to function independently before children arrive, sometimes seem to regress as soon as children are born.
It's as if a switch got flicked: suddenly, their partner becomes "Mum", including, it seems, their Mum. I can testify it happens even if you don't baby them... And I'm fairly certain many women find themselves quite unexpectedly in the same situation.

It takes tremendous effort and determination to break the pattern andswitch them back to "responsible grown-up" mode (e.g. I have to point out all these things he seems capable of professionally, and are transferable domestically)
This "bloody useless dad/husband" thing seems so common, I wonder if there's something "biological" (hormones?? like mothers nesting instinct, but in reverse...) about the whole thing. Still bloody infuriating!