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AIBU?

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Original poster

Incompetent DH - school run

175 replies

Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 08:57

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

OP posts:
Ozanj · 10/01/2022 10:46

My DH can get like this with passive aggressive questions when he feels I ‘should’ be helping him with dc rather than doing something else. The best thing I’ve found is just not to be around when he has to do something for dc. He can’t moan if I’m not there.

WheekestLink · 10/01/2022 10:47

It is very irritating but instead of being outwardly irritated, I put the question back to him to ensure he understands there are two parents with equal responsibility. I say it in a way that isn't confrontational - at first it got his back up but I find that now I need to use this tactic less and less.

Him: "have you brushed her teeth?"

Me: "no, I've been packing her bag, have you?"

He also has a habit of disappearing to "start up the car" 5 minutes before we are about to leave to avoid any outerwear tantrums. He then criticises whatever she is wearing as soon as we get in the car. So I've started making him choose her coat and shoes before we go hiking.

It's all down to how his mother mollycoddled him (and still does when he goes round), as though he reverts back to a childless teenager.

Liverbird77 · 10/01/2022 10:49

A similar story in my house. I got up at six with eldest, made porridge fingers for both, made two sets of lunches and packed the car.
The night before I'd washed their hair and laid out clothes for today.
Husband came down at 6.50, just as I was leaving.
I was back for a quick shower at 7.45. Needed to leave 8.10. I'd left coffee on my travelling cup and asked him to put hot water in.
I cam back.. youngest half dressed because she'd sat in some porridge, eldest in such a state he was sick, shoes on neither, hair not brushed.
I am so pissed off.
Then I went to prep tonight's meal only to find dh had decided not to buy chicken when we went shopping on Saturday but had not told me. He then messages he thought we'd have salmon tonight. I am so, so pissed off with it all. I am tired.

Katela18 · 10/01/2022 10:49

I get this. My husband does nursery run for 2 year old 1x per week and the same happens.

"Is her bag ready?"
"Have you left clothes out?"

Its frustrating which is probably the reason for your slightly curt response. I'd do as others say and get showered/ ready at the gym

AryaStarkWolf · 10/01/2022 10:49

Why's that then? So OP can help her DH with the intricate task of putting a piece of fruit into a school bag?

I assumed that the poster you quoted meant that she should get changed for work at the Gym and go to work from there so her DH has to sort all the child stuff out himself?

Boombastic22 · 10/01/2022 10:51

OP YABU and from how you’ve jumped down the throat of previous posters you might be prone to overreacting.

Unless there’s some massive backstory you are getting seriously over excited.

DH and I take it in turns/help each other out whilst both wfh.

I’d ask exactly the same question as your DH. He knows he hadn’t done it so is checking with you to avoid duplication. You might have done last night/pre gym/popped into kitchen to grab when you came home.

And to be honest I’d perfectly happy grab the snack and/or he would do same in reverse! They’re both our kids.

georgarina · 10/01/2022 10:51

Kind of hilarious that people are saying DH can't be expected to know how to get his child ready for school...and also that the 9 year old child should be expected to know how to get ready by themselves!!

So the 9 year old is held to a higher standard than the adult man...

hangrylady · 10/01/2022 10:53

@AryaStarkWolf

Why's that then? So OP can help her DH with the intricate task of putting a piece of fruit into a school bag?

I assumed that the poster you quoted meant that she should get changed for work at the Gym and go to work from there so her DH has to sort all the child stuff out himself?

Ah yes. Sorry PP it's Monday morning I've not woken up properly!
hollydoyle · 10/01/2022 10:54

@Hemingwayscatz

Is your 9 year old NT? I’m just wondering why they need help getting dressed and having their teeth brushed. I have a 9 year old and she’s been doing all of this independently for years, she’d also definitely get her own snack ready. She does her own lunchbox and breakfast anyway.
Hi just wondering what nt means?
WetLookKnitwear · 10/01/2022 10:57

I think you need to come back after he’s taken them in so he learns to take responsibility. You shouldn’t have to but it’s the only way he will learn.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 10/01/2022 10:58

My exh was so useless when I had ds and he had had the 2 x dd's alone he text me saying he hadn't managed to do their hair so had shaved it off.
I believed him and burst into tears!!
Not hormones just he was useless..
Unless it was anything to do with golf. My now dh is very competent... He took dc to 2 different schools this morning with PE kits and ironed uniforms!! All his own work.

While his slovenly dw was still in bed!!
It can be done.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/01/2022 11:00

Hi just wondering what nt means?

I think nuerotypical, as in doesn't have Autism or special needs?

BashStreetKid · 10/01/2022 11:02

@araiwa

He asked a question, that's all. Maybe you did it before gym or last night.

Why is your first reaction to be nasty and angry?

It wasn't, was it? OP is unhappy about the fact that, having received a. perfectly sensible answer to his question (and one which he should have been able to work out for himself) her husband got into a strop.
CharityDingle · 10/01/2022 11:03

@georgarina

Kind of hilarious that people are saying DH can't be expected to know how to get his child ready for school...and also that the 9 year old child should be expected to know how to get ready by themselves!!

So the 9 year old is held to a higher standard than the adult man...

Exactly!
FOJN · 10/01/2022 11:04

@Seeline

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner? School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time. And then leave him to it.
Why do you think men are so stupid they can't work this out for themselves? I haven't heard of women attending "school run" workshops but somehow they manage to parent in a competent and responsible way.

It's 2022 we need to ditch our low expectations of men, it gives some of them an excuse to be lazy. See also the women who think they're indispensable because DH doesn't even know how to work the washing machine complete with affectionate eye roll and "what's he like", it's fucking tragic.

BashStreetKid · 10/01/2022 11:04

@FortunesFave

Honestly OP yanbu but really....at 9 your child should be able to get themselves ready without supervision AND get their own snack. I'd understand you wanting to get them breakfast etc...some DC are still a bit incapable in the kitchen but surely he or she can choose a piece of fruit for their snack and clean their teeth alone!
At that age, my DC could have organised a snack for themselves but would have chosen something like crisps or a chocolate bar or, if they weren't available, a sandwich. Or potentially they wouldn't get anything at all and would then complain they were hungry. They wouldn't bother with something healthier or which required more effort.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/01/2022 11:05

So a grown ass man can't manage to get a child ready for school in the mornings so the child should do it or the op should micro manage him?

Sod that, it's not rocket science

ancientgran · 10/01/2022 11:07

@Ohmybod

I sympathise OP. I had the charts on the fridge door and endless messages and confirmations etc about what needs done and still my DH asked me the same questions every week. After one too many passive aggressive mornings we sat down and agreed to be kinder to each other. He would listen better and I wouldn’t snap. We agreed that the ‘morning’ person is responsible for it all. Then no need to ask. It helps us to keep all info on the chart and if a question does come up I just cheerfully say “check the chart” or for ad hoc stuff “check your messages”…because 100% I have already informed of what he needs to do/where he needs to be.

At the same time we are also drilling our 9yo. At this stage they really need to be packing their own bags and dressing etc if not already. It’s a highly frustrating process but will be worth it in the end.

Seems a very practical and sensible approach.
FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 11:07

Talking about how the husband is failing is obviously a sensible thing and I personally mentioned him when I said that the child should be getting itself ready....I said YANBU (about the dh) but the child should be doing it all themselves...or most of it.

And it's true! All this angst and the kid should be getting ready alone!

ancientgran · 10/01/2022 11:11

What is involved in doing the snack? If it's grabbing an apple or a bag of crisps can't a 9 year old do that for themself and God forbid be able to choose something.

cherrytopcake · 10/01/2022 11:12

YANBU. He should be able to do all of this without you getting involved.

Sceptre86 · 10/01/2022 11:13

Honestly some people have such low flipping standards of parenting from males! I'm assuming it isn't his first at time getting said child ready for school and even if it is, it isn't rocketscience. He's incompetent if he can't get one older child ready for school on time. As getting a snack is part of school prep why would the op do it when it was her husband's turn? It is the most banal questions my dh will ask that irritate me, I hate having to do the thinking for another adult. Thankfully in my case it is a rarity. My dh gets both of ours ready, they are 4 and 5 years old and need a lot more help.

Iamkmackered1979 · 10/01/2022 11:15

I think it’s just frustrating when you do it every other day and get ready for work too and he’s asking you questions he knows the answer to, he can’t just do it. I mean one dc!! How hard can it be, I have 4 and it can be a bit chaotic in a morning but if I’m organised then it’s fine. I don’t have a husband to help but I’m a nurse so when I was with their dad he did it all x4 when I was at work for 7am so it can be done just stay at the gym, have breakfast and go to work direct.

You wonder how some of these men manage at work if they can’t get their own child up and organised in a morning on their own without help,

NewPapaGuinea · 10/01/2022 11:23

Who normally does the snack? If it’s him, then why would today be any different? If it’s you, it’s a reasonable question.

Veeveeoxox · 10/01/2022 11:25

My OH is hopeless at getting DD ready for school , she looks like she's been dragged out of a hedge backwards some days when I pick her up , I gently remind him and her to make sure she has her hair brushed. She recently had it cut into a cute easy to manage style . I unfortunately can't do some school morning runs as I have to be in work for 7.30 I've learnt not to complain about every little thing as long as she arrives on time and is clean it's fine. Although it's not the way I would do things!!

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