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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Incompetent DH - school run

175 replies

Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 08:57

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 10/01/2022 16:42

What a sane and proportionate attitude.

I wonder if you were just as understanding if a mother kept sending their children to school looking like they've been dragged through the hedge backwards and posted on MN that she simply can't be arsed to brush their hair despite her DP reminding her.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 10/01/2022 16:50

I actually think you should get your 9 year old to solve the issue of getting themselves ready in the morning with little input from either you or your Dh.

Daydreaming is fine so what can she put in place to help keep herself on schedule? By getting her to think about these things starts some self sufficiency which she will need in a couple of years for secondary school.

Mine both had a tick chart of things to do each morning and a time to have done some of them by. Anything from make your bed to brush your teeth. At 9 she really should be trying to do most things independently when it comes to getting ready for school. How about an alarm on Alexa? On Dh's phone? A reminder on Dh's phone set as a repeat to make her a snack on the days he takes her to school? Lead her toward stuff without solving it for her. Just like when your Dh asks what is happening, rather than saying it is on the chart (telling him where to look) say pretend I am not here, what would you do?

SoItWas · 10/01/2022 17:11

OnTheBenchOfDoom

You're missing the point. Op is fine with her routine, the mornings she does the school run.

"Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??"

Your suggestions would probably be incredibly helpful to op's dh, but is he here, posting and asking for help? Or googling for tips and ideas, for managing his mornings? Is he fuck! That's the point.

Snoozer11 · 10/01/2022 17:13

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Anyone that doesn't know something about their child's life (such as their school run info) after 9 years of parenting should be fucking mortified.

Do you work?

AuntieStella · 10/01/2022 17:14

say 'pretend I am not here, what would you do?'

I think that's a good tack to take. And if done consistently might lead to him not attempting to get OP to solve things that he should be able to solve himself

Snoozer11 · 10/01/2022 17:23

So you asked a question:

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes.

And then he asks a question, presumably also out of courtesy.

Both arguably stupid questions with needless answers. But whereas he politely responds, OP snaps and accuses him of being entirely incompetent.

If for any reason the chart hadn't been updated, or there was a last minute change to the school routine (which in my experience happens all the time), and he didn't check with you, would OP have also snapped then?

When people get short with others for "doing wrong", it's no wonder people begin to doubt themselves.

ikeptgoing · 10/01/2022 18:09

@Snoozer11
You are being obtuse
You don't need a chart for competent parents to know their children need to get ready dressed brush hair clean teeth pack for the day and eat breakfast and take some food for lunchtime if they don't buy school dinners

It's the same everyday. School timetables are easy to find as no decent parent thinks it's beyond them to check!

It isn't rocket science nor does a competent parent need to look at a tick list chart for absolute basics

The DCs may need a chart themselves if that is a parental strategy but not the blipping parents!

Streets there's some real babying of the other adult parent going on here ! It's exactly those families I wonder about with a babyman who can't feed and water his own DCs! Or check the fridge to see if packed lunch done already. You can even ask the 9 year old to check and support them to make it..! But what you don't do is think is 'hey it's not my job, I may be an adult but I'm not responsible as their parent cos don't wanna'

Original poster

Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 18:32

@Snoozer11 why do you presume his question was out of courtesy and not ‘I can’t be arsed to think for myself’? Do you know my husband and his motivations? No thought not.

If there was a change I would have told him. If he had looked for my daughters water bottle and lunch box in the cupboard where they always are he would’ve have seen them and seen they were empty.

OP posts:

FingersofFish · 10/01/2022 19:20

Argh I could have written this post save for the gym point. If I'm at home I get asked about everything and then moaned at when I get stroppy. Life was much better when I was out at an office and they were left to fend for themselves. My oldest is nearly 9 and a really independent child but still needs some chivvying from time to time and my youngest I can tell will need much more. The frustration comes from the lack of independence from DH!

FI0N · 10/01/2022 19:42

I wonder how all these men would react if we asked for detailed lists of what to do in bed. Because if we are not told what to do, we won’t know it’s essential. It’s not our fault it’s just our brains don’t work that way.

We could do nothing in response to anything he does unless it’s on the list. And of course we’d need to keep stopping to check the next item.

And if he does anything not on the list or in the wrong order we could be stumped. You know, like the dad whose list said “ make cheese sandwiches and pack an apple for packed lunch “. Who made nothing because there was no apple or cheese, only tangerines and ham.

Snoozer11 · 10/01/2022 19:45

@Pixilicious Fuck me, you need to chill out.

Rosebel · 10/01/2022 19:53

@Seeline

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner? School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time. And then leave him to it.

It should be obvious to any parent what needs to be done to get your child ready for school. Tell him what needs to be done? Absolutely no way. He knows, he's just being lazy. Agree about coming back after he's taken your child to school so he has to do it himself.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/01/2022 23:33

@Snoozer11 letting someone you share a house with know that you’re about to have a shower now and checking if it’s ok is about showing consideration for if they need to quickly use the bathroom for something before you have your shower.

That is not the same thing as being too lazy to check if the child’s lunchbox has been packed or a snack has been made for them when it is your turn to get that child ready for school.

And then shouting from another room a question that really didn’t need to be asked, while OP is either getting into the shower or is already in it. He didn’t even have the curtesy of asking her when she was standing right in front of him.

So, clearly his shouting up the stairs while Op is getting in the shower or already in it is a way of inconveniencing someone. That’s not considerate or respectful. And I would be annoyed too.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/01/2022 23:41

A couple of times throughout the thread pp have mentioned that if you are getting your child ready for school 99% of the time then it’s not unreasonable that DH would need some instructions and to ask questions.

However, in the Op it is stated that DH gets their child ready for school 2 times a week (5 school days) and Op does 3 days.

So Dh is actually getting their child ready for school 40% of the time and Op is getting their child ready for school 60% of the time.

It is not Op 99% and Dh only 1%. So, he has no excuse, really.

Myrighteyeball · 11/01/2022 03:39

OP, my sympathies. My H was exactly the same for years but a couple of years ago I decided I'd had enough and now I answer every question like this (ie any question that attempts to move the obligation to think about what's needed from him to me) with a question:

"Aren't you making the snack as part of getting the children ready?"
"I don't know, what does it say on the calendar?"
"Have you checked the text I sent?"
"I don't know, have you looked in the fridge/laundry/mud room?"

He's getting better. At Christmas this year HE came to ME with gift ideas for the children and then he bought AND WRAPPED most of them. It made me stupidly happy.

camperqueen54 · 11/01/2022 03:50

Why is it that women need to even give instructions to a bloke about what 'school run' means? They should learn this in the same way many women have to do. No one gives us instructions do they?

Stay out until after he has done school run.

JustJoinedRightNow · 11/01/2022 04:15

@Snoozer11 it’s not the OP who needs to chill out hun, hth

Pinkypenguin · 11/01/2022 05:25

@SoItWas

I"t's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner?"

Is he not an adult, with a fully functioning NT adult brain, that can puzzle it out for themselves?

I hate advice like "make him a list", or "tell him clearly what x, y or z entails", as that's just doing the mental work for them! If women can sit down, engage their brains, and think up a list, why can't men..? (Answer, the ones that want you to do it for them, are lazy bastards).

This!

Does their boss have to give them a list of every single task and how to do it? If so, I'd be amazed they still have a job.

If he's a fully functioning adult he can work it out himself or look at the list the OP has already drawn up.

What's clear to me and many other posters is that his question wasn't innocent, which is why OP got annoyed. He knew the OP hadn't done the snack. He just didn't think it was his job.

KO81 · 11/01/2022 16:06

[quote Snoozer11]@Pixilicious Fuck me, you need to chill out.[/quote]
No she doesn’t.

SarahDippity · 12/01/2022 08:28

My (ex) used to do this. I enquiredif he’d ever been to school himself, as the basic requirements (coat, bag, snack) hadn’t changed.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/01/2022 08:43

I cannot believe that people feel a 9 yr old cannot ready themselves for school.
My two, light on at 7 am, feed, clean and dress themselves, their school bag is their responsibility.
All I do is start the car at 8-30am.
Maybe he was asking if you'd done the snack the night before.
I couldn't be arsed with a passive-aggressive sarcastic wife like that.
I'd be like see-ya.

DoItAfraid · 12/01/2022 08:43

@Seeline

Why does she have to explain it to him! He is an adult. No one explained anything to me - i had to you know - think

busyeatingbiscuits · 12/01/2022 08:58

Oh dear, school runs are far too tricky for Daddy to organise! He probably has a big important job to think about.
Mummy, why haven’t you trained your children better so they don’t bother Daddy on the mornings he helps you out by kindly agreeing to do the school run for you???
He’s a saint!

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/01/2022 09:39

@busyeatingbiscuits

ancientgran · 12/01/2022 09:45

@busyeatingbiscuits

Oh dear, school runs are far too tricky for Daddy to organise! He probably has a big important job to think about. Mummy, why haven’t you trained your children better so they don’t bother Daddy on the mornings he helps you out by kindly agreeing to do the school run for you??? He’s a saint!

He asked if she'd done the snack, he didn't need her help he needed a little bit of information.

Talk about drama.

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