Incompetent DH - school run

[Pixilicious]

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

Jesus all the apologists on here-why is a fully grown functioning adult incapable of getting a child ready for school

did op get lessons on it no-she just worked it out

these men fucking do my head in

My ex I suppose just did it because I wasn’t there to ‘help’ at all I went off to work at 6am came home at 9pm kids had been taken to school been fed bathed and put to bed and their stuff sorted for the next day. Because there was no one else there to do it, this is a man who lived with his mum and ate pie and smash when we met (mum did loads for him too) I already had my 2 eldest boys so had been a parent for some years before we had my youngest 2 but my ex is great. It didn’t work out between us but can’t fault him, he’s a great dad and kids are well looked after there.

I think other men just cop out, we allow them to? Why should we be the ‘go to’ just because we are there? these conversations need to happen early on, you need to co parent you are a team not one person doing everything and the other the bare minimum.

Yanbu op. As fir the pathetic "well at 9 unless your child isn't NT they should be...." well I've taught for 17 years and let me tell you this is rubbish, NT children are all completely different, some can remember a snack, brush hair, some still need help getting their top on after pe, some know all their multiplication facts some none, saying "my child could" or "your child should" is completely wrong. As for the adult male obviously he's capable of looking after his own child and should be doing so without relying on you, if he wants to know if the snacks been made he can check it's either there or it isn't.

"Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair."

Does this usually happen or does he usually do everything towards getting them ready & to school?

If you were going to do the snack wouldn't you have asked first if it needed doing/left it where it could be seen/told him it was done & in school bag?

It does seem that the strop was because he was hoping that you would do it & didn't.

Sounds as if you might have to not be there to not get involved at all!

God this thread is depressing. Such a low bar for men, enabled by women who, because this stuff is so engrained, don't even realise they're doing it.

Stop for coffee after your run. Return to the house when they have already left for the school run.

@Pixilicious

I am absolutely flabbergasted by the - "you need to organise your husband/don't go to the gym/do it the night before/your parenting is rubbish if your child needs a nudge of a morning" posters, I hadn't realised I'd gone back in time/had entered a parenting competition to see whose child was the best! And thank you to all the rest of you who understand the frustration.

Yes quite. Utterly ridiculous.

Having a vagina isn’t some kind of magic power for just knowing all the tedious things to do with life and parenting admin. Having a penis doesn’t get you an automatic pass. Men are just as capable of being present, but many men don’t want to and many women choose to enable that.

This thread makes me appreciate my parents soooo much. My mother was SAH until the youngest of us was about 8 and my father worked away a lot but because she is so forgetful and struggles organise herself with the simplest of tasks (often dentist appointments were written on the wrong dates on the calendar and, if they were on the right dates, she'd still manage to miss them) my dad did a lot of the mental labour type stuff and a lot of the housework. If left to her own devices she would hoover forgetting she'd just done it and the bathroom would be missed for weeks.

So my siblings and I didn't grow up with the example that "dads are incompetent" or thinking that mums are the default parent. My brother does most of the day to day with his children, he does the weekly shop and meal plans. My sister doesn't have children but married a man who is very independent. I married a man who can be needy because he is desperate to please (i.e. "get things right") but will figure things out by himself because I steadfastly refused from day 1 to mother/manage him in any way. All 3 of us have lives outside of our households and have time to ourselves. I hand on heart do not know 1. How all of you in these marriages can bear to have sex with a man you have to parent like an extra child and 2. How you stay sane with all this work, it sounds exhausting!

I've never had children but I have had two long term relationships with men who behaved in a similar way. Thank fuck I never had kids with them.
It's just pure laziness mixed in with entitlement.
There is absolutely no way an adult man who manages to stay employed is not capable of remembering how to use a dishwasher or a washing machine or to shop for food. There is no way they are not capable of remembering to do whatever tasks they need to do around the home.
If they have some kind of issue which means some of these aspects of life are challenging for them then they should have strategies in place to manage them.

I was completely exhausted dealing with everything while my exes were living with me because they were seemingly incapable of organizing anything or doing basic tasks correctly.
As I said, pure laziness and entitlement and probably caused by the way they were brought up.

There is no way on earth that the OP's husband or my two useless exes are behaving in such a way at work - having to be reminded of every little thing and asking a colleague all the time about the most basic of tasks.

And we should not be pandering to this ridiculous behaviour whether we have children or not.
In the case of both my exes I stopped dealing with anything that didn't impact on both of us - so no more reminders about their family members' birthdays let alone shopping for presents; no more reminders to book medical appointments etcetc.
And a year after my most recent ex left he was complaining to me that he hadn't been to the dentist for 5 years because I hadn't booked appointments for him. Get to fuck.

@AnnaBolina

Oh wow, I feel this. If I don't leave my DH with absolute perfect minute by minute instructions, fuck all gets done. He is ND but also a lazy arse at times and the two together make an absolute disaster. He's taken the kids to school with one trainer and one school shoe on, taken them dressed in their PE kit because that's still school uniform apparently, not gotten them dressed or given them breakfast or any lunch at weekends because he himself wasn't hungry and considers them dressed because they're clothed in pyjamas. I literally have to leave instructions like

-When the children get up, go downstairs with them
-make them breakfast which is cereal or toast.
-give them breakfast and a drink at the table

• breakfast bowls go in the dishwasher when they're finished eating.
• help children to get dressed into appropriate clothes (here I will have to list what's appropriate for the weather or indicate that I have put an outfit to one side for them and exactly where it is.)
• help children clean teeth.
• stay around children while they play or watch TV.
• if I am not back by lunchtime, make some cheese sandwiches for the children and let them choose a piece of fruit. Clear away all the mess from making the sandwiches.

Because if I don't his brain will not ever see it as essential.

Jesus. How do you cope?

School run means:
eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time.

Do you need to explain other things like that to your adult partners? "So, honey, let me explain you how going to work in the morning is done. First, you need to leave the house. Leaving the house means showering, having breakfast, getting dressed, making sure you have all your things with you - lunch, phone, wallet keys etc. Can you manage?"

@KatharinaRosalie

*School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time.*

Do you need to explain other things like that to your adult partners? "So, honey, let me explain you how going to work in the morning is done. First, you need to leave the house. Leaving the house means showering, having breakfast, getting dressed, making sure you have all your things with you - lunch, phone, wallet keys etc. Can you manage?"

You forgot to include opening the door to get out... oh, and closing it, once outside. Tut tut.

@AnnaBolina

Oh wow, I feel this. If I don't leave my DH with absolute perfect minute by minute instructions, fuck all gets done. He is ND but also a lazy arse at times and the two together make an absolute disaster. He's taken the kids to school with one trainer and one school shoe on, taken them dressed in their PE kit because that's still school uniform apparently, not gotten them dressed or given them breakfast or any lunch at weekends because he himself wasn't hungry and considers them dressed because they're clothed in pyjamas. I literally have to leave instructions like

-When the children get up, go downstairs with them
-make them breakfast which is cereal or toast.
-give them breakfast and a drink at the table

• breakfast bowls go in the dishwasher when they're finished eating.
• help children to get dressed into appropriate clothes (here I will have to list what's appropriate for the weather or indicate that I have put an outfit to one side for them and exactly where it is.)
• help children clean teeth.
• stay around children while they play or watch TV.
• if I am not back by lunchtime, make some cheese sandwiches for the children and let them choose a piece of fruit. Clear away all the mess from making the sandwiches.

Because if I don't his brain will not ever see it as essential.

I genuinely could not live like that. It must be exhausting.

He must not care at all for the children, to be able to treat them like that.

@Seeline

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner? School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time. And then leave him to it.

Do you think anyone communicates to the OP how to 'do the school run '? It's not rocket science. She's even done him a chart like a child.

Anyone that doesn't know something about their child's life (such as their school run info) after 9 years of parenting should be fucking mortified.

@Veeveeoxox

My OH is hopeless at getting DD ready for school , she looks like she's been dragged out of a hedge backwards some days when I pick her up , I gently remind him and her to make sure she has her hair brushed. She recently had it cut into a cute easy to manage style . I unfortunately can't do some school morning runs as I have to be in work for 7.30 I've learnt not to complain about every little thing as long as she arrives on time and is clean it's fine. Although it's not the way I would do things!!

What a sane and proportionate attitude.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Anyone that doesn't know something about their child's life (such as their school run info) after 9 years of parenting should be fucking mortified.

Really? I never knew anything about my kids cricket club, don't like cricket but their dad did. Can't see why me getting involved in something I didn't enjoy, didn't want to be involved with would add anything to the experience.

I suppose I did know something, they were members so does that count? Am I excused from mortification?

I have started saying "I can't remeber, it's on the chart"

This is the way forward. And answering a simple 'no' to questions like 'have you made the snack'.

It's revolutionised my relationship with DH.

@stingofthebutterfly

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.

Haha good one. Imagine if you were being serious!

@AThousandEyes

God this thread is depressing. Such a low bar for men, enabled by women who, because this stuff is so engrained, don't even realise they're doing it.

I do wonder if some women feel important in their own minds when they enable males. See: the current crop of blue-haired babies giving away other women's rights for the head pats.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face.

To be fair, when ds was younger I had no idea what the morning routine was and what needed packed as dh did it 99% of the time and I would ask dh questions when I did do it (for all of the primary school years I was up and out before they were even up) and he would happily reply/help.

If you normally get the snack 99% of the time, even when you are at the gym it was a reasonable question to see if you had done it as usual before he did and a simple reply of no would have sufficed.

If he normally gets the snack those 2 days then, yes, it is a bit weird he asked you.

I do wonder if some women feel important in their own minds when they enable males. See: the current crop of blue-haired babies giving away other women's rights for the head pats

I am convinced you are correct with this. It's the modern version of look at me, i'm not one of those ugly boring feminists.

The posters who consistently defend the ankle-height bar for male parenting need to have a think.

Ankle height is generous judging by some of these posts.

Apparently the fully grown adult male holding down a job must need a list of instructions or "teaching" on basic household and childcare tasks but the 9 yr old is a failure if not doing all this themselves.

Presumably when male 9yr olds hit puberty and their testicles drop a matching penis sized hole opens up in the pink bit of the brain where all childcare and household management sits.

I do wonder if some women feel important in their own minds when they enable males. See: the current crop of blue-haired babies giving away other women's rights for the head pats

This also.

Those of you who have no idea about a morning routine...

did you ever go to school?

because, i'm pretty sure, i modelled my kids morning school routine on the one i had growing up.

you get up, you have breakfast (and pack lunch while they eat), they do teeth/wash/hair, get dressed, pack bag, and out the door.

i refer people back to the youtube video i posted up-thread about weaponised incompetence.