Incompetent DH - school run

[Pixilicious]

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

@Hemingwayscatz yes they are NT, just a day dreamer who gets easily distracted. And well done for having a fabulous child who is self sufficient and doesn't need any reminding of a morning. You sound like an awesome parent, albeit a snarky poster on mumsnet

Agree with others that the 9 year old should be sorting everything, and "doing the school run" literally involves doing a quick "have you got everything" before you leave the house and the taking them to school.

So it may be that it's clear to you that "doing the school run" involves 3 things, but not so clear to DH.

This is why it would be impossible for me to work. DH said last year that when he retired he'd make sure our DSs were ready for school, DS2 was out the door and take DS3 to school. In reality, if I have to leave with DS3 before DS2 I have to remind both him and DH that he leaves at 8.

But @Seeline why does she need to communicate this? Is her husband incapable of realising what a kid needs to get to school?
And why is it your job, OP, to make a chart? Your husband went to school, he must know what needs to be done. He can look at your kids schedule and figure out (or check that your child has everything that they have got together themselves).
Unless you husband has a mega pressured job and works longer hours than you he is just as responsible for figuring these things out.

[quote Pixilicious]@Hemingwayscatz yes they are NT, just a day dreamer who gets easily distracted. And well done for having a fabulous child who is self sufficient and doesn't need any reminding of a morning. You sound like an awesome parent, albeit a snarky poster on mumsnet[/quote]
It's not snarky OP...you should consider it. Why not get DC to make their snack the night before? It's not hard...when they get their bag or gym kit ready, they put in a drink and a biscuit or apple or whatever.

Same with their lunch....not hard to do the night before and then there's only a sandwich to make if they have one. Teeth cleaning and having a wash....if they need keeping on track, make sure it's all timed. Get them an egg timer or put one on a phone...help them to be self sufficient so it's easier as they get older or they will struggle big time at high school.

[quote Pixilicious]@Hemingwayscatz yes they are NT, just a day dreamer who gets easily distracted. And well done for having a fabulous child who is self sufficient and doesn't need any reminding of a morning. You sound like an awesome parent, albeit a snarky poster on mumsnet[/quote]
There's a difference between reminding and doing everything. It's hardly "awesome parenting" to have a 9 year old that washes and dresses themselves and can pick up the few things they need to take to school. Perhaps with the odd bit of chivvying. And since you and DH are clearly both busy people and would like less to do, it makes perfect sense to get your DC accustomed to doing this as soon as possible.

On his watch he does it all. I would stay later at the gym to force him to do it.

Yes just don't be there. I find if DH is doing a job it's much better if I'm not actually around or I get roped into a supporting role.

I consider DS to be pretty independent and certainly, I grew up pretty independent and we were expected to do quite a lot. I also know that compared t many of DS' friends, he is DEFINITELY independent....

.... but on MN, an 9 year old should be getting up (by setting an alarm), getting dressed, making a snack, packing bags, remembering everything all with zero input from the parents. What's particularly odd, is the same 9 year old probably isn't allowed to be at home alone for so much as 5 minutes, never mind leave the house alone, can't use a kettle etc. It's inconsistent.

OP - I don't think it's odd that getting your DS ready involves making the snack or double checking teeth brushing/face washing etc.

If this is all you have to get in a rant about - and your DH has to get into a 'strop'. I suggest you both find other things to do - as you evidently don't have enough to occupy your minds with.

I mean - really???

I wonder how the frick I have managed to bring up 3 kids with both my DH and me working full time and never going to the gym .... we must be some kind of miracle family

I love all these posters telling the Op that getting the kids to school is a much too complicated job for a man so she should do organise most of it herself the night before .

Or even write him a list because he can’t possibly be expected to work it out from the 13 years he was at school himself and the 5 years he’s been the parent of a school child.

Can you shower at the gym? I just wouldn't get back unt after they've left. He will learn.

So it may be that it's clear to you that "doing the school run" involves 3 things, but not so clear to DH.

We can assume that if he lives in the house and has met the child previously, it's not that much of a stretch for him to know what the child needs to have going to school.

Those who say it might not be clear to DH what is needed. Who the fuck told the OP what was needed in the first day of school for her DC in Reception year? As an adult it isn’t too difficult to work it out might be required and there is a chart.
OP I would be bloody fuming too.

The OP has a perfectly valid complaint, maybe she wanted to get it off her chest and rant on an anonymous forum because actually it's easier than arguing with her DH over it. Instead what we have is a group of adults advising the OP she should be shifting the responsibility from the parent in charge (in this case the DH) to the children! Regardless of what a 9 year old should or shouldn't be doing at that age (I know mine is exactly the same and if left to his own devices would sit on his bed half naked in his own little world and forget he was supposed to be getting dressed) the fact remains that this morning it was the Dad's turn to sort it all out. He didn't and OP is quite understandably pissed off!

Obviously he should be getting them ready, including getting their snack.
Before COVID and all the working from homing we now have to do both me and dh worked outside the home. Him 5 days a week. Me 3.
On the days he worked I got the kids up, dressed, fed, packed, brushed and out the door with all associated gubbins, charity donations, pe kits and what not.
On the days I worked as well ( and had to leave earlier than him) I got he kids up, dressed, fed, packed and weighed down with what ever challenge the nursery/ school had set us ( 10 things that fit in a match box/ a Viking hat made out of a cereal box/ a nut free, gluten free, egg free cupcake etc) because he just couldn’t conceive how one might actually complete all these tasks and have a time consuming shower shit and shave.
The marriage councillor agreed with me he was being a pathetic selfish shit ( not her phrase).

I"t's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner?"

Is he not an adult, with a fully functioning NT adult brain, that can puzzle it out for themselves?

I hate advice like "make him a list", or "tell him clearly what x, y or z entails", as that's just doing the mental work for them! If women can sit down, engage their brains, and think up a list, why can't men..? (Answer, the ones that want you to do it for them, are lazy bastards).

@SprayedWithDettol

Those who say it might not be clear to DH what is needed. Who the fuck told the OP what was needed in the first day of school for her DC in Reception year? As an adult it isn’t too difficult to work it out might be required and there is a chart. OP I would be bloody fuming too.

Exactly. Sounds like it was a last straw in the strategic incompetence displayed by the husband, plus making the OP the default parent where he 'helps out'.

Similar to this post on another thread:

'This reminds me of when my husband told me that I was overestimating how much time it took to pack for trips. I said, "It takes ages." He said, "It only takes five minutes." In order to prove to me that it only takes five minutes, he said next time we had a trip, he would pack.

So it got to the day before our trip. He said, "Ok, just get all the clothes together, beach toys, sunscreen, and all that, get the suitcases out, and put all the things I need to pack next to the suitcases, and then I'll pack it for you."

I said, "Uh, no, packing IS getting all those things together, getting the suitcases out, etc. Oh yes, and before you pack, there's a load of laundry that needs doing, I think DS3 wore his swimsuit to swim practice yesterday and forgot to hang it up last night. I'll be having a nice cuppa over here. Have fun."

@FI0N

I love all these posters telling the Op that getting the kids to school is a much too complicated job for a man so she should do organise most of it herself the night before .

Or even write him a list because he can’t possibly be expected to work it out from the 13 years he was at school himself and the 5 years he’s been the parent of a school child.

My thoughts, too. Either way it’s all the OP’s fault/problem it seems.

1.) she’s obviously not made it clear to her poor DH what the school run involves. Have you considered a black board or laminated list for his wallet?

2.) she’s obviously not taught her children how to be independent.

3.) why hasn’t she spend her night before preparing lunch boxes and snacks and laying out clothes and toothbrushes while her husband lays on the sofa watching Netflix so her poor husband doesn’t have to try to remember it all in the morning.

4.) if she’s so busy why is she going to the gym? Her family obviously need her.

Fuck sake. Men are not incapable. Why are women supposed to just ‘know’ all these things and prop up a man ‘helping’ parent his own children by doing it all for him?

YADNBU to have a rant about it. But - have you actually had a rant talked to your DH about this incompetence?

I assume in his working life he is very capable and organised. This seems to me like learned incompetence - i.e. if he continues to do it badly then you'll take over.

You should definitely stay at the gym for your shower and a coffee, so that you're getting home after he has left the house!

@Hemingwayscatz

Is your 9 year old NT? I’m just wondering why they need help getting dressed and having their teeth brushed. I have a 9 year old and she’s been doing all of this independently for years, she’d also definitely get her own snack ready. She does her own lunchbox and breakfast anyway.

Congrats on being supermum.

Mine all had phases of needing chasing, as did all their peers. Perhaps you could write a book on how to raise the perfect child? Or perhaps the OP's DH could step up and do some parenting instead of wanting parenting himself.

I sympathise OP. I had the charts on the fridge door and endless messages and confirmations etc about what needs done and still my DH asked me the same questions every week. After one too many passive aggressive mornings we sat down and agreed to be kinder to each other. He would listen better and I wouldn’t snap. We agreed that the ‘morning’ person is responsible for it all. Then no need to ask. It helps us to keep all info on the chart and if a question does come up I just cheerfully say “check the chart” or for ad hoc stuff “check your messages”…because 100% I have already informed of what he needs to do/where he needs to be.

At the same time we are also drilling our 9yo. At this stage they really need to be packing their own bags and dressing etc if not already. It’s a highly frustrating process but will be worth it in the end.

Is there showers at the Gym you go to that you could use? If so I'd have my shower there and don't come back until he's left already

Why on earth is it OP's problem to "teach" her DH how to get his kid up and ready for school. MN is weird.

Also, while I 100% agree that men should do their bit and it's ridiculous how often strategic incompetence comes out, I disagree that all these men are perfectly organised and capable at work. I have lost count of the men I have worked with who relied heavily on other people to do the thinking and organising and administration and who, nonetheless, were also the ones who were consistently promoted etc. Probably because they had all that extra time to think about brilliant ways to make more money or whatever. Ask any team PA who uses up the most of her time - the men or the women!

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.