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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incompetent DH - school run

175 replies

Pixilicious · 10/01/2022 08:57

I just need a rant really. 2 days a week DH takes 1 x DC age 9 to school, one of them being this morning when I have a gym class 07:00 - 07:30. They have to leave for school by 08:05 and get up at 07:00.

Today I get back from the gym by 07:35 and say (out of courtesy) "is it OK for me to nip up and have a shower?" He says yes. So off I go. Dc comes up at about 08:45 and I help/supervise them getting dressed/clean teeth/wash face/do hair.

DH shouts up stairs "have you done DC's snack?" He knows I have come straight in from the gym and gone upstairs - so to my mind he knows I haven't done DC's snack so shout back " you know I haven't I've come in and gone straight in the shower.

He then gets in a strop. DH is not at work today and doesn't need to have a shower or anything as he will go to the gym after schoool run then shower after.

To my mind there are 3 things he has to do to get DC ready for school: Feed them, do their snack and get them dressed/clean teeth/wash face. Why is it that I am more than capable of doing these things AND get me ready for work the rest of the week??

AIBU to expect him to get DC ready ALL BY HIMSELF on the days he does the school run or, due to the fact he is a man should I be doing it and presenting DC 'school run ready' at the door for him to transport from our house to the school gate?
Rant over

OP posts:
SoItWas · 10/01/2022 10:13

My ex would often stand looking gormless/have thumb up the arse syndrome, while I rushed around like a blue assed fly, doing 5 things at once. He'd sometimes offer help, but wanted me to assign him a specific job, and explain how to do the job, in detail. He couldn't (a.ka. didn't want to), work out what needed doing himself?

Contrast this to when some of my female relatives helped a younger female relative move into their new gaff, "I'll hoover", "okay if you're hoovering, I'll make a start on the kitchen", "that leaves the bathroom then, where's the bleach gone?".

Veeveeoxox · 10/01/2022 10:14

Why does your 9 year old need so much help unless they have SEN? My daughter is 8 she's perfectly capable of getting herself ready I put the stuff out the night before then she just sometimes needs prompts to brush her hair , clean teeth, wash face and make sure her bag is packed.

SoItWas · 10/01/2022 10:17

stingofthebutterfly
"I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh."

The 1950's must be missing you by now? Hmm

theemperorhasnoclothes · 10/01/2022 10:17

The posters who consistently defend the ankle-height bar for male parenting need to have a think.

This might be one of my favourite posts on MN ever. 'ankle height bar for male parenting' sums it up perfectly. Grin

Apparently it's completely reasonable to expect a 9 year old to step in for an inadequate male parent. Some 9 year olds are really independent, others aren't but an ADULT MAN should be able to support their 9 year old child to get ready if not completely capable of doing it all themselves yet.

It's quite some patriarchal mental gymnastics to simultaneously hold the belief that a 9 year old should be able to get themselves ready and remember everything with no parental input at all and also that it's totally fine for a fully adult father to have to ask his wife for help with getting the 9 year old ready when he's completely aware it's his responsibility on that day and that she hasn't had time to do any of it. And to 'have a strop' when she responds that she hasn't done any of his tasks.

goingonahairbunt · 10/01/2022 10:17

@stingofthebutterfly

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.
Bloody hell, the OP never said she'd had an immaculate conception! Why has this not been in the news Hmm?!

Just because someone has children doesn't mean they are hers and hers alone. She has a husband, he has equal parental responsibility, she's allowed to go to the gym whenever she wants!!

HippeePrincess · 10/01/2022 10:19

@stingofthebutterfly another vile woman hating post from you.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 10:21

If you said "no, I haven't" would he have gone in a strop then?

I reckon he was changing it in the hope you said "oh don't worry I'll do it now".

I do think your response was unnecessary but I get that it's frustrating if it's a pattern of regular behaviour.

ilssagain · 10/01/2022 10:21

DH is pathetic.
He needs to step up and take responsibility.
It's not exactly asking the earth to expect him to get his child ready and take them to school two days a week.
I would shower at the gym and spend a bit of time doing so, then get a coffee somewhere, then home and straight off to work. ie. not be at home so DH has to step up and do what he is supposed to.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/01/2022 10:24

@stingofthebutterfly

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.
wtaf? Why shouldn't the childs father be getting his daughter ready for school on his day off? What a load of sexist tripe
rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 10/01/2022 10:24

I think it can all be prevented if you have reminded what your dh need to do, when you came back in before having shower. It's annoying, but better to make sure if you know he isn't competent.

StationaryMagpie · 10/01/2022 10:25

ah, another male doing his Incompedance...

SoftSheen · 10/01/2022 10:25

YANBU. A nine year old should be able to get themselves up and ready in the mornings, but realistically, most children that age need a bit of reminding/nagging/checking they've remembered to clean their teeth etc.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 10:26

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

I think it can all be prevented if you have reminded what your dh need to do, when you came back in before having shower. It's annoying, but better to make sure if you know he isn't competent.
But he is competent. He's just lazy. He knew the child needed a snack.
Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 10:29

@Seeline

It's obvious to you what the 'school run' involves. Have you actually communicated that to your partner? School run means: eg getting DC up, making sure they are dressed, have breakfast wash, do teeth. Making sure school bag is packed, they have any necessary equipment - PE kit, lunch, water bottle, snack having prepared if necessary. Leaving at the appropriate time. And then leave him to it.
Who taught the OP how to do that?

And the DC is 9. Therefore has been at school for over 3 years now. This is not new

ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 10:29

It's not snarky OP...you should consider it. Why not get DC to make their snack the night before? It's not hard...when they get their bag or gym kit ready, they put in a drink and a biscuit or apple or whatever.

Same with their lunch....not hard to do the night before and then there's only a sandwich to make if they have one. Teeth cleaning and having a wash....if they need keeping on track, make sure it's all timed. Get them an egg timer or put one on a phone...help them to be self sufficient so it's easier as they get older or they will struggle big time at high school.

This is all something OP should consider, is it @FortunesFave?
You don't reckon any part of this could be her DH's responsibility?

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 10:30

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

I think it can all be prevented if you have reminded what your dh need to do, when you came back in before having shower. It's annoying, but better to make sure if you know he isn't competent.
Absolute not! Does he have someone prompting him all day at work?
AryaStarkWolf · 10/01/2022 10:30

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

I think it can all be prevented if you have reminded what your dh need to do, when you came back in before having shower. It's annoying, but better to make sure if you know he isn't competent.
Her DH is an adult and a parent, perfectly able to get his child ready for school
3mealsaday · 10/01/2022 10:31

@stingofthebutterfly

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.
My word, this is a depressing thread.

Get back in the house, woman! How dare you take time for yourself when there's a poor man struggling with your neglect of your wifely duties Hmm.

FourTeaFallOut · 10/01/2022 10:32

Shower at the gym and go to work from there. Don't even be an option for his strategic incompetence.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 10:33

@anotherbrewplease

If this is all you have to get in a rant about - and your DH has to get into a 'strop'. I suggest you both find other things to do - as you evidently don't have enough to occupy your minds with.

I mean - really???

I wonder how the frick I have managed to bring up 3 kids with both my DH and me working full time and never going to the gym .... we must be some kind of miracle family

Why isn’t the OP allowed to be irritated by this?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/01/2022 10:35

Some of these responses must be trolling surely?!

Just call back "Mondays are your mornings"

ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 10:35

@stingofthebutterfly

I think you're unreasonable by going to the gym when you should be getting your child sorted for school, tbh.
The children have two parents, @stingofthebutterfly.

Why do you believe that only the mother should be getting them ready for school?

Natty13 · 10/01/2022 10:41

@CrossStichQueen

You need to get changed at the gym for your work

Why?

Because you can't change other people, only your own reactions. What's the alternative? Being angry and frustrated every week for the rest of her good years just to prove a point?

My DH is very rarely like this but when he does have a "needy" phase as I like to call them I jist make myself unavailable. If he won't give me peace I make my own peace. You'd be amazed in how much independence it fosters.

hangrylady · 10/01/2022 10:43

@coodawoodashooda

You need to get changed at the gym for your work.
Why's that then? So OP can help her DH with the intricate task of putting a piece of fruit into a school bag?
3mealsaday · 10/01/2022 10:43

@theemperorhasnoclothes

The posters who consistently defend the ankle-height bar for male parenting need to have a think.

This might be one of my favourite posts on MN ever. 'ankle height bar for male parenting' sums it up perfectly. Grin

Apparently it's completely reasonable to expect a 9 year old to step in for an inadequate male parent. Some 9 year olds are really independent, others aren't but an ADULT MAN should be able to support their 9 year old child to get ready if not completely capable of doing it all themselves yet.

It's quite some patriarchal mental gymnastics to simultaneously hold the belief that a 9 year old should be able to get themselves ready and remember everything with no parental input at all and also that it's totally fine for a fully adult father to have to ask his wife for help with getting the 9 year old ready when he's completely aware it's his responsibility on that day and that she hasn't had time to do any of it. And to 'have a strop' when she responds that she hasn't done any of his tasks.

The important question is clearly is this a female child? Though I can understand why the OP is keeping quiet on this.

If so, they should clearly be able to get themselves ready without hassling their hapless male parent as training for later on in life when they have to get themselves and their children ready for work/school without hassling any potential hapless male husband or partner. Such is the patriarchy perpetuated.

If not, the OP is doubly at fault for swanning off and abandoning not one but two hapless males in need of her help and assistance.

Or we could just agree that male parents are equally capable and responsible as female parents and so shouldn't need lists, reminders or constant prodding to do something as basic as get their child to school.