People who are private

[HobgoblinGold]

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

They are keen to be social but also happy when the end is nigh and they can do their own thing.

My parents are like that. But, you know, not all connection is verbal. There's a lot that passes between us unsaid and there's a lot in their actions that suggests depth of thought (like bringing us food when we've been ill, being thoughtful about our DC).

@pinkiedash

I think you're absolutely right about the hidden language of love.

I guess what I'm struggling with is what I need and what they can (and should) give.

My parents I like this. I've never thought of it as something where they can and should give anything different - it is just the way they are - no right or wrong about it.
I wouldn't recognise any hidden language of love about them either 😂

Those of us who are private or quiet can't help you. Because that's our natural state. How do you expect us to explain it, or why we are how we are? We just are.

I do talk to people, but I'm but sure what you want from someone like me? I didn't use to ask people questions either. I thought of it as intrusive. I didn't want people prying into my private life, so why would I do the same to them?

Having children changed that for me a lot. People showed interest in my babies, and I wad touched by that. So it occurred to me that if I liked people asking after my children, then they'd probably like it if I did too. So my social skills grew from there, basically.

Most people would now think I'm friendly, but mostly it's still fairly superficial chat. I still don't ask what I consider to be nosy questions, so if you know me and you want to share, you're going to need to be the one that starts those kinds of 'personal life' conversations.

I love socializing when it’s light and fluffy. Anger frustration contentious issues and I’m out.
I don’t seem to have trouble connecting to people; shit at work, kids that are brats, husbands who are dicks, budgeting woes, hear it all but I also expect it resolved asap and don’t plan on 15 years of listening to people whine.

Well I'm probably the wrong person to ask as I try and be self reliant and don't ask my parents for anything (and frankly wouldn't have dreamed of asking my ILs for anything either). I see it as the other way around. I try and ask them about their lives and interests.

I’m very private, and just don’t need to make connections with lots of people because, well, I’m a private person!

I’m quiet around everyone apart from my immediate family. It’s not without its consequences however. My in-laws hate me because of it.

What kind of superficial stuff do you mean? Like about the weather? I’m quiet and private but I always ask SILs and ILs about what they’ve been up to and their kids etc. I maybe don’t chat about myself much, apart from light stuff about work. Kids are more interesting to chat about anyway!

I’m self-reliant, intelligent and well-informed. I don’t think that anybody non-professional, or who doesn’t know me very well, can give me any advice that I haven’t already thought of, and often the advice given unrequested is stupid and trite. I do not say this out loud.

If I need emotional support, I look to people I have known for a long time and whom I trust absolutely.

@Sinnerman

My husband (their son) had an MI just before Christmas. No questions about this. Daughter projectile vomiting all over Christmas - nothing. Never anything about mine or my husbands job/training. Nothing about sons schooling. I find it really sad, disheartening and cannot fathom how they can love there son, me? There grandkids without asking about this type of stuff.

@Sinnerman

Superficial stuff would be about neighbours choosing grey windows, road closures, dad in law could talk about his business venture for a long time.

This sounds more than just being private. Private people don't share their own lives or ask when they don't know you, but would still ask after own children or grandchildren. Might they be afraid of overstepping? My family are like this. DM had a strange and controlling childhood, as a result doesn't want to be seen to pass judgement on anything, and so doesn't ask after things I would expect and that MIL naturally asks about.

I don't ask questions as I find people like you tend to share everything anyway if you listen long enough. I always know what's going on as I take notice.

My own mother is like this. She’s not being private she just isn’t interested.

They sound disinterested rather than private. It's very normal to ask if a child enjoys school for eg. It's not too personal.

@AgathaAllAlong

Part of me does feel it's more than just being private. I know this why I'm asking as I'm also unsure and question my own thoughts on this because of my own family dysfunction so don't feel I'm coming from the best place. I know I expect much more than most would owing to own situation which puts both (and the rest of his fanily) at an unfair starting point.

But I also think there is merit in the fear of overstepping (mum has actually said previously she actively didn't want to be this type of MIL) and I think both parents are on the autism spectrum which impacts the way they see the world, people and the way they interact with people.

@AgathaAllAlong

It does hurt when they don't seem interested in the grandkids - apart from in small doses and when it's convenient for them. But again, my expectation is different as I can't offer grandparents from my side.

@ArnoldBee

I know I tend to fill in the gaps because I want them to know important stuff. I'm navigating all of this parenthood and extended fanily myself. But I leave feeling everything's one sided and I leave exhausted so I'm actively trying to not do this. I'm trying to keep things at arms length with them, I'm trying to manage my expectations of them, and only answer questions if they ask (which is rarely)

Why do you think they should give you what you need??

@JugglingJanuary

They shouldn't, this is something I'm working on as I know it's unfair.

@3scape

I do feel sometimes they're not interested, which makes me feel so sad. My son is also picking up on how they emotionally distant themselves.

My mum is like this but she's not a private or quiet person, if anything she can be a bit narcissistic...

I find she'll often ask about something that seems superficial but that's her way of asking how I am without talking about feelings. So she'll talk about the weather or cooking or buying a new coat and then if I tell her about similar things that will reassure her I'm OK if I've cooked proper meals and the weather hasn't been too awful.

By MI do you mean heart attack? Just so I haven’t misunderstood. And they haven’t even asked how he is? That’s quite cold. I’m surprised they don’t run out of things to talk about quite quickly if they don’t talk about family/work stuff.

My FIL never asks DH about his job or what he’s up to. If you try to tell him he doesn’t really listen. He’d prefer to talk about himself. I don’t think it’s about being quiet or private!

I guess what does upset and confuse me is how they don't seem to ask important questions? Wouldn't a parent ask after there adult child if they'd had an MI? Surely you would?