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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who are private

163 replies

HobgoblinGold · 09/01/2022 23:02

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 01:02

I just feel very uncomfortable talking about things which reveal too much or lead to strong emotions. I hate it when my DH and some of our friends get into loud discussions about politics or BIG things...it's not fun, it's upsetting to me. I like talking about art, music, comedy....nice things.

FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 01:03

@ElegantlyTouched

My mum and sister probably think the same about me as you do about your in-laws. Truth is my sister will interrogate you to get infornation that she can then use against you, and my mum thinks my sister deserves to know everything I tell her. So for a peaceful life I tell them as little as possible.

This has spread to other people which is a shame, but I need to keep myself safe.

Yes...my friend who isn't shy of big discussions about major stuff, is always in a ruck with her family about who said this or that....her family use things against one another in these fall outs
Hottbutterscotch · 10/01/2022 01:06

I’m very private. Nothing annoys me more than people who need to know everything. I’ll offer what I want to be known and the rest is my business. I extend the same courtesy to others but that means I follow up on whatever they’ve told me. In truth to be polite more than anything.

I don’t feel that way about family though. I’m interested in what everyone is doing and I’ll ask about their lives because I genuinely care. If your in laws aren’t asking about the Grandchildren or their Son’s health I would conclude that they just don’t care. Not nice & a difficult situation to be in but you can’t make people care.
It’s sad for your DH.

starray · 10/01/2022 01:22

I find people who don't ask questions - especially when you make an effort to ask about their lives, just rude. And small talk is just boring.

starray · 10/01/2022 01:28

@Summerfun54321

Could it be that they’re just very dull people 🤷‍♀️ You don’t have to like your in laws, you just have to tolerate them for the sake of your DH. Keep your socialising with them brief.
Yes, it might be this! Some people are just dull, and boring!
TooManyPJs · 10/01/2022 01:33

[quote HobgoblinGold]@TooManyPJs

I've been thinking of talking to them about this. About why they don't ask questions and how that makes us feel. Did you do something similar with yours?[/quote]
No I wasn't direct. I just kept gently bringing up deeper topics and gradually over time they began responding to them and not immediately changing the subject! I have to get them when it's just us though and they are sitting down not busying with other things.

I also asked them deeper questions about the topics they were discussing eg if they were talking about coffee with a friend I'd ask more questions to elicit more info about said friend to get us on a bit more if a deeper level conversation wise.

It was very much softly softly catchy monkey!

madisonbridges · 10/01/2022 01:46

If they don't even have it in them to ask if their own son survived a heart attack, why would you think they're be interested in meeting your needs?

Emerald5hamrock · 10/01/2022 01:47

I'm quite open and interested in family, if one is feeling down we'll chat it out and have an interest in each others life, even the boring bits.

I don't generally want to know anyone's business but I'd find your in-laws behaviour strange, their lack of interest in the present is off, you haven't dropped into a different world.

Hawkins001 · 10/01/2022 01:47

I prefer academic conversations types, rather than Joe's been to the pub, or did you watch bgt or x factor ect

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 01:56

@Emerald5hamrock

Thanks for this. I too find it's strange and just really sad. I just don't understand how they omit asking important questions, such as asking their son how he's been since his heart attack and what the recent updates are! I find them aloof and confusing. I know it's completely unrealistic to expect them to meet my needs when they can't even meet their own sons.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 10/01/2022 02:03

How do you like to connect with people?

Not everyone likes to 'connect' with people.

Leave them be. You don't have to talk about 'feelings'. It's not mandatory. Just accept that you're different from them.

Emerald5hamrock · 10/01/2022 02:06

I've been thinking of talking to them about this. About why they don't ask questions and how that makes us feel.
Don't bother. They'll look at you like you've two heads.
I'd minimise contact, if FIL causes an intimidated reaction from you and has hurt DH's MH I'd make the discussion to not contact them again.
If they're interested let them show it.
It'll be a relief for DH.

D0lphine · 10/01/2022 02:10

They're polite and don't intrude into your life or offer unwanted opinions...

Sounds great to me! Want to swap? 🤣🤣😂

chaosmaker · 10/01/2022 02:26

OP I understand you don't like the relationship you have with them but at the same time you can't force a relationship that isn't there. As other poster's have said it's probably less mentally taxing to go low contact and make a better family out of friends instead :)

Lotusmonster · 10/01/2022 02:34

I’m private. I have major stuff going on in my life that only a few can relate to and it evokes huge social stigma. So rather than face that backlash, I prefer to be private. It’s not of choice, more survival. 😞

FestiveFlavours · 10/01/2022 02:59

My in-laws, who are otherwise lovely, blab personal information about us - including private medical issues - around their social circle, even when we’ve specifically told them not to. So we really restrict what we tell them now.

OP - maybe they’ve over shared in the past and been criticised for it, or maybe someone has over shared their private information, so they are more cautious about asking anything.

LaChanticleer · 10/01/2022 06:54

I guess what I'm struggling with is what I need and what they can (and should) give.

What about what you can give?

Your language here suggests something quite demanding.

I tend to find that when I forget about me and what I need, and get interested in others and get into step with them, I have the most interesting and satisfying interactions with others.

And as I’ve become older, I’ve realised that I need to give myself what I need. That expecting from others just doesn’t work. I get more from giving to others.

oopsyoudiditagain · 10/01/2022 07:33

What would be ”deep” talk?

Also why woudld you want anything from them?
Why ”should” they be giving you anything?
I don’t understand.

I would advice you to stop expecting anything from anyone.
It’s strange you go into someone’s or invite someon in your space and sit there thinking they own you something.
Just be.

ferneytorro · 10/01/2022 07:54

You are going to drive yourself mad trying to work out why they are like this. Much better (and not easy as it’s something I do) is to work on your reaction to it. Stop seeing them as much, spend time with people who are interested in you and your family. If you want a good role model / figure for your children, it doesn’t have to be grandparents. Stop trying to engage them. As others have said they just do not care, but that’s their loss not yours.

Diggersaursarethebest · 10/01/2022 08:09

Do you all like board games or cards? Or do the kids like that kind of game? Does everyone enjoy bbqs or playing cricket or skittles in the garden? They not going to happily start having the kind of conversations you think are a necessary part visiting family but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve the visits while respecting the fact they prefer to avoid ´deep’ topics.

ittakes2 · 10/01/2022 08:11

You married their son not them. I think you may find it more useful to understand why you need something from them rather than trying to understand them. Your husband presumably grew up with them and is used to their ways unless you are trying to tell him something different. It would be helpful to you if you lower your expectations of them.

HaveringWavering · 10/01/2022 08:22

I’m really intrigued at all the posters who say you are similarly “private”, many for reasons related to your childhood. But this is a situation where people are not concerned enough to ask about the health of their own son, who had a heart attack very recently. Would you behave like this towards your own children when they are adults?

DrManhattan · 10/01/2022 08:24

They are just not that into you

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2022 08:38

@HobgoblinGold your FiL doesn't sound very nice, and your MiL isn't kicking against the traces at all.

The lack of grandparents on your side is pushing you to accept/hope for too much from his side.

Far better to recognise they aren't great grandparent material and move on. There are better people to build relationships with. Family doesn't need to be blood.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/01/2022 09:09

I think people have different capacity for emotional investments. There's only so much to go around as it were.

This is a really important consideration, I think.

People have very different amounts of bandwidth to absorb other people's emotional stuff. Some have vast capacity for it -- often to the point of being a bit prurient and over-involved. Others just can't deal with it and have to limit it.

It sounds like you are quite an open person who wears their heart on their sleeve a lot and some people find this slightly tiring. I have to say I find this a bit of a struggle sometimes with people unless I know them really well.

I do think the lack of interest about their son's heart attack is very weird -- but it may be that they've talked about it with him offline.

But I can't help wondering if you make them feel slightly backed into a corner by prompting them to respond emotionally when they're not ready to do so?