Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who are private

163 replies

HobgoblinGold · 09/01/2022 23:02

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 10/01/2022 00:21

Taking no interest in the health or life of your own son and grandchildren is nor "being private", that expression is for dealings with people outside immediate family, surely? They sound self-obsessed and tedious. How was your DH's childhood?

Crunched · 10/01/2022 00:22

Presumably your DH, their son, understands their dynamic since he grew up with it?
Can't you ask him to help navigate the situation?

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:23

@Sinnerman

Yes - heart attack. No - he's had a few health issues and no they don't ask. I do find this really sad and yes cold. But at the same time question my own interpretation of this owing to my own experience of family dysfunction. Hence asking for opinions here.

'. I’m surprised they don’t run out of things to talk about quite quickly if they don’t talk about family/work stuff'.

There are lots of silences - hence why I then start to blather or over share then feel emotionally exhausted, angry, confused after being with them

Most of the time I talk (or my husband talks) and it's like talking to a lamp-post. It's not 'normal' conversation. There's little too-img and fro-ing of a regular conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:24

@HaveringWavering

DH has been in and out of therapy because of his childhood, especially his dad

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 10/01/2022 00:26

Sorry to hear that, and about his current health.Flowers Does he have siblings?

saraclara · 10/01/2022 00:26

Yes, reading your updates, this isn't just private. It might be that they're just not interested.

On the other hand, my dad was painfully shy and quiet. We didn't talk much at all. But I adored him and knew he loved me.
I don't know if he'd have asked much in the way of questions even if something big had happened (but my mum did all the talking) but the way he interacted with my kids, in a quiet but loving way, was enough.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:26

@Crunched

We (i) frequently talk to him about it. DH is more accepting of them than I am - I'm trying to work on this. I know I keep knowingly throw myself at the same situation expecting a different response. DH is very understanding towards me how empty it can feel to be around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:27

@HaveringWavering

Yes - a brother. There relationship is cordial, dutiful, but again nothing deep.

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 10/01/2022 00:30

Put it Simply as I can:

"How do you like to connect with people?"
I don't.

I can go weeks without talking to another adult human being and even then it'll be a checkout worker.

I don't want to know about people's drama. I've been involved in drama, I've tried to help, I've always come off worse. So now, everyone and all can piss off.

Summerfun54321 · 10/01/2022 00:32

Could it be that they’re just very dull people 🤷‍♀️ You don’t have to like your in laws, you just have to tolerate them for the sake of your DH. Keep your socialising with them brief.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:33

@MaryAndHerNet

Thanks for your insight.

Are you like this with family?

OP posts:
Sinnerman · 10/01/2022 00:33

That’s really awful about the heart attack and them not asking and I hope he’s recovering ok. I know that when my DH has been ill, when it’s been an operation or something more serious, because FIL can’t really express emotions and say he’s worried he reverts to talking about the medical side and what the operation will entail etc (before swiftly moving onto his own medical issues!).

I think you may just have to accept them, they’re probably not going to change. It sounds like they’re not going to be close to your dc (my FIL isn’t with his DC or DGC). But you’re not weird to find them strange.

TooManyPJs · 10/01/2022 00:36

My ILs are like this. It's taken a really long time but I can now get them to talk about some deeper subjects, but not for too long! That's really helped our relationship. I am a real talker about everything deep with absolutely no interest in small talk!

It took me a long time to realise how accepting they were of me as family, they are also very loving without talking about it (as a PPs has said they show it in many other ways) and they also treat everyone in the family really equally and accept people for who they are. They are very kind.

They are remarkably functional compared to my family who are VERY dysfunctional. It's lovely and it's taken a long time for me to settle into it but they make me feel very safe when I let them!

It took me a long time to work that all out. But now I have, the not talking about anything deep most of the time, has become much less important.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:36

@Summerfun54321

Could it be that they are dull.

In a nutshell - yes. Especially DIL. I actually can't stand the man. He is abusive and is a prideful, self important man. I hate how I feel intimidated by him as he always has this quiet anger about him. Mum is lovely, but I guess, yes sadly I would also regard her as a bit dull too. I know if it wasn't for the fact I was married to their son there is absolutely no way I'd be connected to them. They are defiantly not my type of people. But given who they are - I try to engage with them.

OP posts:
LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 10/01/2022 00:38

Not asking questions isn't the same as not being interested.

To a 'quiet' person, it might seem that asking questions about really upsetting things would be demanding and put pressure on you.

Your ILs might imagine that if you want to allow your them in on subjects like this - you will talk to them. Questions might be unwelcome/nosey etc.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:38

@TooManyPJs

I've been thinking of talking to them about this. About why they don't ask questions and how that makes us feel. Did you do something similar with yours?

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 10/01/2022 00:39

My FIL is the same. It's hard work having him round as he never asks DH, me or the DC any questions. It can get very odd at times as he really just wants to talk about the past. He has poor social skills but I know he loves us I just don't think he's that interested. It's all about how his DC reflect things about him. Brings lots of photos down and wants to focus on how DH looks like him, how old uncle... lived here, went there etc. Its very stressful actually! I don't think there's much point in analysing why ppl are this way, just accept it and decide what you want your involvement to be.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 10/01/2022 00:40

The silences must be awful!

It does sound tough for you OP.

MaryAndHerNet · 10/01/2022 00:40

[quote HobgoblinGold]@MaryAndHerNet

Thanks for your insight.

Are you like this with family?[/quote]
I haven't spoken to my mum since 2019
I haven't spoken to my elder brother since 2013.
I have cousins and all manner of family I refuse to deal with.

So I may not be the best to ask.
I think people have different capacity for emotional investments. There's only so much to go around as it were. People's direct family come first, parents too. Leaves a little less for siblings like brothers and aunts etc.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:44

@MaryAndHerNet

Thankyou for sharing

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 10/01/2022 00:49

My mother used to visit regularly, every week, like clockwork, Sundays at 2pm.

We'd sit in awkwardness for a couple hours

"Weather's not bad today?. did you watch strictly?. what did you do yesterday?."
It was excruciating and far from being a pleasant afternoon.
I'd ask after health and be treated to along detailed description of the hospital appointment she had on Wednesday, by the end of which I'd want to go to hospital myself for a break...

I don't know why people have such shallow meaningless chats, or why the silences are awkward...
I do know that family is not something you get to choose, just because you share blood, doesn't mean you share common interests.

Snugglepumpkin · 10/01/2022 00:50

I grew up in a family where every thing you said would be used against you at some future point in time.
All knowledge was a vulnerability so you made the secret service look mouthy to protect yourself.

Let anyone know you wanted or cared for something, beware it can now be taken away.
Let someone know you have a dream or ambition.
It will be sabotaged.
Make a mistake.
It will be broadcast further than social media ever could get it.

It's been so long now I don't even think about it but those walls are forever thick & infinity high & I just wouldn't know how to undo what was for me an essential survival skill.

People say I'm a private person in real life.
I don't tell them why.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 00:54

@Snugglepumpkin

🌺

OP posts:
newnamenewyear · 10/01/2022 00:54

If they're on the spectrum, then they may just have a totally different way of relating to people.

My mum is on the spectrum. She doesn't do chit chat. I found it really tough as a child and young woman. I confused it for her not caring about me.

An example - I came home when I was 15 and told my mum I had a new boyfriend. She said "oh".

Me "aren't you going to ask me anything about him?"
Her: "what am I supposed to ask?".
Me: "how about, what's his name? How old is he? Where did you meet him? Is he nice to you? When can I meet him?"

I was pissed off by this point and took it as proof she didn't care about me.

But that wasn't true. She genuinely didn't know what to ask, because this kind of conversation just doesn't come naturally to her.

I've grown to understand her better with age and I know she does love and care for me. She just doesn't show it like most people.

She's not dull though!

The ILs are similar in a way. They will ask about people's operations etc. But once that's over with, the conversation is all on their terms. They never ask me about my job, I'm not sure they even know what I do these days. We spent a fair bit of time with them over Christmas. I just smile and nod these days, I've given up trying.

ElegantlyTouched · 10/01/2022 00:59

My mum and sister probably think the same about me as you do about your in-laws. Truth is my sister will interrogate you to get infornation that she can then use against you, and my mum thinks my sister deserves to know everything I tell her. So for a peaceful life I tell them as little as possible.

This has spread to other people which is a shame, but I need to keep myself safe.