People who are private

[HobgoblinGold]

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

@Twattergy

If we talk about deeper issues dad will dominate the discussion. Ge doesn't take on other peoples opinions very well and the discussion just turns unpleasant. Mum will be quite in his presence as he is emotional abusive with her. Dad does not tolerate error very well - this was one of the major difficulties for my DH when he was growing up as there was little scope for error. One if my husbands memories is his dad taking him to the park when he was about 5 but getting angry with him because he wasnt ‘walking correctly. His dad is controlling and mum has learnt to keep in her lane with this.

My parents wouldn't dream of asking any questions about health, to respect privacy eg my DH was in hospital overnight, my parents gladly babysat for the children, but they didnt ask why DH was in hospital. Probably an unusual approach, but that's just how they are

OTOH, my FIL will happily tell all and sundry about his digestive conditions. I think that's a bit odd, but we're all different

@notanothertakeaway

My parents wouldn't dream of asking any questions about health, to respect privacy eg my DH was in hospital overnight, my parents gladly babysat for the children, but they didnt ask why DH was in hospital. Probably an unusual approach, but that's just how they are

OTOH, my FIL will happily tell all and sundry about his digestive conditions. I think that's a bit odd, but we're all different

But your DH is not their son. Do you think they would not have asked either if it had been you in hospital?

They sound cold and uninterested. It has nothing to do with being private. Private people still manage to be polite. In fact, my DP is very private and when he feels uncomfortable, he starts asking more questions so people start talking about themselves instead! It works every time!

Why are you forcing or, as you put it, "cultivating" a relationship between your DH and someone who was abusive to him? That might actually be quite damaging to him. He naturally already feels an obligation to have a relationship with these awful people and you're just reinforcing that. Leave it be. They sound awful and you are doing no good to anyone.

@notanothertakeaway

My parents wouldn't dream of asking any questions about health, to respect privacy eg my DH was in hospital overnight, my parents gladly babysat for the children, but they didnt ask why DH was in hospital. Probably an unusual approach, but that's just how they are

OTOH, my FIL will happily tell all and sundry about his digestive conditions. I think that's a bit odd, but we're all different

That is indeed somewhat unusual. I'm not talking about your FIL's indigestion but about your parents not asking even the most cursory questions about your husband's hospital stay like when were visiting hours and whether you expected him to survive.

@HaveringWavering @limitedperiodonly

It's just how they are. Extremely private about anything health related

Another example, my DF was in hospital himself and we only found out weeks later. He told me he'd had treatment for X condition, and wouldn't be discussing it again. And never mentioned it again

[quote notanothertakeaway]**@HaveringWavering* @limitedperiodonly*

It's just how they are. Extremely private about anything health related

Another example, my DF was in hospital himself and we only found out weeks later. He told me he'd had treatment for X condition, and wouldn't be discussing it again. And never mentioned it again[/quote]
But, again, very different choosing not to voluntarily share their own health problems. To be clear, you’re saying your own mother would not ask after your health if she was told you had had a heart attack? How does that work, did they just stop talking to you about your health as soon as you were old enough to consent to your own medical procedures?

@HaveringWavering

Fortunately, I've always kept good health, so it's never really been tested, but No, they don't ask about health. Content to listen, but don't ask

Some people are just a bit.....simple OP. For want of a more PC term

Are you sure they know what an MI is???

Anyway, why not confront them??? Can't possibly make the atmosphere any worse, can it?!?!

My in laws were like this. They weren’t private at all themselves but they never asked questions. They really knew nothing about me and never asked about the children. Everything was jokes and ‘telling stories’ (about themselves or at someone else’s expense). They didn’t understand their children and pitted them against each other in competition. Achievement and being entertaining was all they cared about.

My DHs family are like this. Some of them drone on about stuff that no one else is interested in (fishing, golf) holding court and not an actual conversation.

Anything else is superficial. BIL was carted off to hospital one Christmas Day a couple of years ago but no one talked about it. When I asked SIL about it, she just pulled a face.

Some people are just distant. DH had little warmth with his mum and dad when they were alive. I think it's sad but for him it's normal and my family is the odd one because we laugh, cry, scream...