People who are private

[HobgoblinGold]

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

It sounds like they don’t know how to relate rather than they are private.

@Lotusmonster
🌺

@HaveringWavering

I'm glad you've picked up on the complete outward neglect of important topics, like the fact there son had a heart attack and they simply don't ask how he's doing.

I just want to scream at them sometime - like why don't you ask? This is important right? Your son had an MI ad you just don't ask? I just don't get it.

I've got a friend like this, she's private to an absolutely ridiculous level, so much so you can't help her at all even when she's struggling massively. I've given up now, got fed up with the constant rebuffs and snubs

@starray

I find people who don't ask questions - especially when you make an effort to ask about their lives, just rude. And small talk is just boring.

What do you consider small talk? I have a friend who prides herself on being interested in other people but actually she’s known for being nosey.

OP I would feel the same , so frustrating

In my experience people think their lives are far more interesting than they actually are. I give people my time and do listen but find it quite boring and repetitive so I tend not to ask questions. I do however still get to hear all about the house extensions, child's gymnastic medal, GP visit etc. What joy. Your in laws may be having a different sort of relationship with close friends they enjoy chatting with. I do appreciate this may hurt to acknowledge though because they are family.

OP,

I would really work on not being so invested in people that give so little and actively minimise the time you spend with them.

There is nothing to be gained spending time with them and hoping for a different outcome.

Your FIL isn't nice?
Spend the minimum amount of time and stop listening to HIM talking about himself.

Invest in relationships that bring you joy.

Your husband is in therapy because of his father?
Stop spending time with them.
Absolutely minimise it.

@Ohyesiam

I think this too. And yet I find FIL has such a sure sense of himself that I find it mind boggling that her simply cannot relate to his own children. He was talking the other day about the science of where to sit in a crowded room to interact people. It was bizarre.

I'm private however, I engage with people and I'm interested in their lives.

My ILs are like this, and I think it’s just that their lives are so different to ours and always were, even at the age we are now — they live within half a mile of where they were born, left school at 13, had three children together by the time they were both 21, went in to have a huge family, always struggled financially, worked repetitive manual jobs so their main mental investment was in the wider family (MIL) one of 13, FIL one of 7). DH and I have lived abroad most of our adult lives, have one child by choice and have professional jobs were very involved in mentally and while we’re both fond of and close to our siblings, we’re not entangled in various cycles of gossip and bickering on a daily basis as PILs are.

They just don’t get our lives at all — neither do my own parents, but there’s slightly more grasp. (Pils, for instance, don’t know what do for a living, and I’ve been in their lives since the late 90s and have always been in the same field.) So they literally don’t know what questions to ask, and as they both worry so much about anything they interpret as ‘adverse’, DH doesn’t tell them a lot, as they just torment themselves with ‘What if’s.

I think you have two different things here:

• I am a very private individual, quiet and a bit of an introvert so it takes me time to trust people and to open up to them. I tend not to share too many personal details too quickly.

• But there is a massive difference between the type of personality I described above and someone who never bothers to ask you about your life/how you are feeling/any issues you and yours might be going through or who is only able to ever have superficial conversations. This is the sign of someone who simply does not have much interest in getting to know you better and deep down does not care about you. Or they are someone who are simply so shallow and lacking in empathy that they will never be able to connect with you beyond the superficial.

I think a private person would eventually open up to you a bit as much as they are able to but they will still show you warmth and be interested in your life. I really think you are not dealing with people who are simply private here...They sound cold and disinterested for whatever reason.

I would stop trying to get any more reaction from them, and instead focus on those who can return your love and enjoy your company. Just be polite with them but don't waste more time trying to get them to engage. It is their loss.

Maybe they don't really like chatting? My PILs LOVE chatting and I find it exhausting, draining and unenjoyable after a few hours. I don't want to be talking all the time, I don't have anything to say, I'd much rather be on my own or reading a book. We could be talking about something I'm extremely enthusiastic about, and it's still just too much for me. Too much conversation, too much interaction. By the end of a weekend with them I am completely withdrawn and don't want to say a word for days. Maybe they feel similarly?

@HobgoblinGold

What makes you think they have ADHD?

I don't think anything good will come of asking why they don't ask questions/show more interest etc I really don't.

Do you organise meeting up with them? Or DH?

How does DH feel about their interaction with him/you/DC?

I think the best thing to do, would be to accept they're never going to be the parents/in-laws/grandparents you want them to, for whatever reason. It's sad, but it's what you've been dealt.

Are there any other family members (DH Aunts/Uncles) who you could develop more if a relationship with? If not, look outside of the family.

You can't make people be who you want them to be & it's sad when they're not, but all you can do is accept that's who they are and develop other relationships!

Hope you DH makes a good recovery & they can find the cause & they can help him minimise the risk of future events!!

My mum is like this. Incredibly narcissistic and is only interested in the minor things and never interested in the big things unless they involve her favourite golden kids.

Im a private person. Another person has fallen out with me big time because "I dont talk to her" . This is someone who always has to have the last word, asks quite personal questions about people who are acquaintances as best, and can top you in everything you say or do ! I just keep mum, and because she doesnt know anything about me, she hates it I was always taught by my parents not to ask personal question s and stick to it.

I'm fairly quiet & private. Partly I think because it is my natural inclination and partly because I had a complicated childhood meaning I'm cautious about too many questions.

I can't really imagine being like this with my DC though.

@JugglingJanuary

Autism, not adhd

That would be me. I don't share much at all, because it is my private business and H and I deal with it.

I won't ask you questions about your private life because I know that if you want me to know you will tell me. I won't pry it out of you. I will ask a simple, polite question "How are you doing now?" and leave the depth and breadth of your answer down to you.

If you aslk me the same question you will probably get a 'surface answer' unless you have been involved in something previously. I wouldn't want to bore you with anything nor would I want to over share anything.

But if something big comes up then I will talk to you, support you, help you find information, formal support. And I will never speak about it to anyone else, ever.

If I trust you to do the same then I would trust you if anything ever hapened in my life that meant I needed support.

I have had many poeple assume I am ytuck up, anti social, unfreindly etc. But I don't care as they probably would be the very same people that would think nothing of gossiping about 'friends'

@JugglingJanuary

Do you organise meeting up with them? Or DH?

I used to Alot more - but have started to reduce this. Mum invites us round for Sunday tea most Sundays - I have thought about just sending DH and the kids then I can get on with work as deep down I don't like there co any buy on the same level yearn for a parental figure.

ow does DH feel about their interaction with him/you/DC?

DH has long resigned to who they are and is definitely more accepting of them, whereas I keep stupidly thinking theyll be different

To offer you a different perspective: my mother would make the same complaint about me, in fact I know she does to other relatives. She finds me cold, distant and uninterested, I don’t share anything with her, and conversations are hard work. From my perspective I am like this with her because she’s utterly toxic. Anything I tell her will be shared as widely as possible, even if I ask her not to she will pass it on and dissect it with others. Any problem I have will be instantly topped by one of hers that it similar but worse, and she will then return to my issue endlessly and use it as evidence of how hopelessly inadequate I am. Basic information- plans, things I’ve done, things I like or don’t like- goes in one ear and out the other because she’s not listening, she’s just waiting for her next opportunity to speak. And then because she hasn’t listened I end up answering the same question on the next three times I speak to her, so it starts to feel like a lot of effort for nothing. I don’t want to cut her off altogether, but I have to be extremely guarded with her because otherwise she’s quite capable of driving me absolutely to the brink. It’s self-preservation.

I’m obviously not accusing you of being as difficult as my mother, I’m sure you aren’t, but you did ask!

I share very little. Mostly because I was once the subject of entirely false gossip, and also because sometimes what is weighing on my mind reflects on others and I don't think they deserve to have their own privacy invaded by my talking about them to my friends.

Also problems often resolve themselves. I want to forget about them, but the friend or acquaintance still remembers them and might continue to judge me or someone else involved, long after it's all been sorted. I've found it really disconcerting to have a friend bring something up like that, years after what I thought was a fairly casual conversation about an issue that turned out to be something and nothing.

Sorry - drifted a bit from the subject. But on several occasions a close friend has found out about a worry I've had (after the fact) and been FURIOUS with me for not sharing it at the time. Not for my sake, but because they've felt that it reflects on them as a friend. Which to me demonstrates that I was right not to do so, because they clearly wanted to centre themselves.

I think you need to accept them as they are - if this is how they've always been, they're unlikely to change. You've said you don't understand them, and that really comes across in your comments. Knowing something and understanding / accepting it are different things. To me it seems, you know, logically, they are different from you, but feel affronted by that. I'm more like your DH's parents than you - their approach is normal where I come from - but, living in the UK for some time, I have sometimes felt the need to say to close friends that I am happy for them to speak to me about whatever their problem is, but I won't ask them about it again. I feel that if someone wanted to talk about something personal / do something, they would. It feels nosy to go poking about it in their personal business if they haven't raised the issue themselves.

Do they not talk with their son without you? Are you absolutely sure they’ve not asked about his well-being without you being there?
Maybe they’re not comfortable having deeper conversations with you around and have them with him in private? Do they ever ring him, etc?

You say your husband accepts them for who they are. Maybe you should too? You can still have a nice time together without deep conversations. There’s a lot to be said for unspoken communication.

As a new MIL, it is difficult to find the right level of involvement with a DIL. I adore mine, but I know she has issues with her mother being over-involved and demanding. I have seen this first-hand and it is hard to deal with. I strive to avoid that at all costs.

I hope I don't err too much on the other side and seem disinterested or uninvolved, but I am aware it is a fine line.

However, with regard to the medical issues, I absolutely would ask, inquire and offer any help or support needed. I find that cold and unfathomable.

I think (hope) that I have a good relationship with all my adult children, but it can be hard to get the balance right especially with their adult partners who come into the family as unknown quantities with their own views on how family life should be.