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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who are private

163 replies

HobgoblinGold · 09/01/2022 23:02

spurred on from another thread, could people who regard themselves as private or quiet offer me some insights?

I'm trying to understand my ILs better. They don't talk about anything deep and rarely ask questions about mine, DH, kids lives - conversation is always superficial. I really struggle with this as I don't understand how family can be so uninvolved in this way?

So AIBU - of course some people are like this! (I kinda know this) but would really appreciate some insight into what its like. How do you like to connect with people? Because I can't see how, if conversation is always so surface?

Sometimes I feel like I'm an alien learning how to be human.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:41

@TulipsTwoLips
I am definateky guilty of expecting something that they for whatever reason cannot give.

OP posts:
iwanttobeonleave · 10/01/2022 14:43

@Cleopatra2022

My own mother is like this. She’s not being private she just isn’t interested.
I was going to say, they don't sound interested to me. Perhaps they don't really care (which is awful and sad of course). Thanks
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:44

@Lostinafield

Not austistic people as in ALL autistic people. I (alongside my husband) have long since suspected that both parents potentially have autism - there is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking this. DH has been diagnosed with autism.

OP posts:
Lostinafield · 10/01/2022 14:50

The ableism is because, if you believe they are autistic, why are you not trying to work out how you can accommodate their differences rather than criticising them for it on social media?

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:51

@Lo

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/01/2022 14:52

You'd probably find me to be quite like your parents. I'm not private particularly but I am introverted.

The things that you mention, asking about your life, your kids life, thats not something I'm very good at asking about. I conciously make the effort to now, but it's not something I do naturally. I'm also not particularly comfortable talking about myself, work etc. I don't really understand why that would be interesting to anyone else.

I'm much happier talking about stuff. Politics, Marvel movies, sports, something you can get into a bit of a debate about.

I am better at talking about the stuff you feel is important if I'm 1 on 1 with someone, I don't know why, it just feels easier then

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:53

@Lostinafield

I have tried many many things. But ultimately there comes a point, when whether they have autism or not, there comes a point when there nothing more I can or should do.

OP posts:
Lostinafield · 10/01/2022 14:56

What I meant by accommodating them was accept that they don't ask the questions or do socialising in the way you would like them to.
If that's too much for you, then of course you are free not to see them.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:56

@Lostinafield

I think they maybe prefer there solitide, so I should respect this and learn not to expect something from them they cannot give.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 14:57

@Lostinafield

Cross posted. I agree.

OP posts:
Lostinafield · 10/01/2022 15:00

I'm sorry it makes you sad though.
Re your husband, they may well care but can see he's okay so don't feel the need to ask.

CheltenhamLady · 10/01/2022 15:01

[quote HobgoblinGold]@limitedperiodonly

I was talking to MIL over the Christmas period and she was talking about how private her son is (DH brother). I find mum and dad will say things like this to avoid talking about the real issues. Such as the fact that DH brother is inconsiderate. I find their complete lack of insight and ability to look through rose tinted glasses annoying and frustrating.[/quote]
To be fair, as a MIL I wouldn't be comfortable discussing our other children's faults with my DIL. How she views/deals with other siblings is not your business.

boringcreation · 10/01/2022 15:02

@saraclara

Those of us who are private or quiet can't help you. Because that's our natural state. How do you expect us to explain it, or why we are how we are? We just are.

I do talk to people, but I'm but sure what you want from someone like me? I didn't use to ask people questions either. I thought of it as intrusive. I didn't want people prying into my private life, so why would I do the same to them?

Having children changed that for me a lot. People showed interest in my babies, and I wad touched by that. So it occurred to me that if I liked people asking after my children, then they'd probably like it if I did too. So my social skills grew from there, basically.

Most people would now think I'm friendly, but mostly it's still fairly superficial chat. I still don't ask what I consider to be nosy questions, so if you know me and you want to share, you're going to need to be the one that starts those kinds of 'personal life' conversations.

Jesus Christ, I've never seen how I felt written out so well
boringcreation · 10/01/2022 15:05

[quote HobgoblinGold]@Sinnerman

My husband (their son) had an MI just before Christmas. No questions about this. Daughter projectile vomiting all over Christmas - nothing. Never anything about mine or my husbands job/training. Nothing about sons schooling. I find it really sad, disheartening and cannot fathom how they can love there son, me? There grandkids without asking about this type of stuff.[/quote]
I would definitely ask about the MI and the vomiting but I would never even think to ask how someone's job was going. Like I don't know how I would answer that if I was asked other than saying 'good thanks'. What would you say to that? I think, I just presume people wouldn't be interested in the specifics of my job or the minute details of my day to day life so I don't ask others about theirs? Is that mad?

saraclara · 10/01/2022 15:15

I would definitely ask about the MI and the vomiting but I would never even think to ask how someone's job was going. Like I don't know how I would answer that if I was asked other than saying 'good thanks'. What would you say to that? I think, I just presume people wouldn't be interested in the specifics of my job or the minute details of my day to day life so I don't ask others about theirs? Is that mad?

It's like we're twins @boringcreation!

One of my family members always asks another one how work's going, whenever they meet. I see him wince every time, and he answers her with about four words. Because he's really unhappy in his job (which she knows). Yet next time she sees him she'll ask him again.

She's generally so much more able than me, socially, but it's like she's so busy asking things that she doesn't actually notice the response. Whereas I'm quiet so I have space to pick up the vibes.

boringcreation · 10/01/2022 15:17

[quote HobgoblinGold]@Dottybackorcid

I have tried this approach many times. Dad will end up dominating the conversation and mum is usually quiet.[/quote]
So they do talk to you? I don't understand what you want from them? Are you a different nationality or from a different culture to them?

SisterConcepta · 10/01/2022 15:18

I think that there are people who are just not interested in people.. any people even if they are family. There are those who can prattle on for hours about something trivial in their lives and it never occurs to them to ask about another person how things are. At the end of the day, it is completely up to us how much time we spend with such people. If someone is really unpleasant that would be a 0 from me regardless of who they are...
If you feel you 'have to' spend time with such people because they are related, then I find the best solution is to just accept how they are, look for the positives and don't give it too much brain space.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 15:22

@boringcreation

All from and live in the UK

OP posts:
Rrrob · 10/01/2022 15:42

My MIL is like this. All superficial conversation. Never asks how we are, how DC are, how work is going. Even after dd1 died and we were both off work she didn’t ask any of these things. As a result we have a couple of painful interactions a year. DH hates it and finds it frustrating. I am fine with the conversation about her/ her friends we don’t know blah blah because I’ve accepted she’s not interested in our lives.

limitedperiodonly · 10/01/2022 16:19

@Rrrob

My MIL is like this. All superficial conversation. Never asks how we are, how DC are, how work is going. Even after dd1 died and we were both off work she didn’t ask any of these things. As a result we have a couple of painful interactions a year. DH hates it and finds it frustrating. I am fine with the conversation about her/ her friends we don’t know blah blah because I’ve accepted she’s not interested in our lives.
I'm sorry. It may be that she's not interested in your lives - you know her best. But some people think such questions are prying and avoid the subject.
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 16:26

@Rrrob

I am so sorry about your loss 🌺

OP posts:
Rrrob · 10/01/2022 16:28

@HobgoblinGold thank you, but honestly wasn’t trying to derail the thread! Just highlighting how you are not alone….there are many of these ILs around!

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 10/01/2022 16:47

I don't like people knowing or being involved in my life. The few times I've asked my relatives for help I've always regretted giving them any information, which inevitably gets passed around to everyone. I just feel like it's invasive and I respect other people's privacy, if you want me to know something then you'll tell me. I won't ask.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 10/01/2022 16:48

@Rrrob

Although my husband and I haven't experienced a loss like this, there have been other instances of lives up and downs and they simply don't talk about it. But then I know that they never have. Neither are close to their sons and my DH feels they are only closer to us because of the years of cultivating what I could with them. They both lack insight, especially dad, how damaging they have been to my DH, and I think to his brother too. I know I have discussed it with his brother before and he got very upset about it. Writing this all down and I have no idea why I'm even trying to force anything other than polite with them.

OP posts:
Twattergy · 10/01/2022 17:26

Some good suggestions here. If they are introverts (like me) then they won't like surface chit chat and actually prefer deep and meaningfuls, or talking about things of deeper interest (politics, travel, life experiences). Have you tried heading in that direction?
That being said it only takes a modicum of social skill and manner to ask basic questions after peoples health etc. If they don't do that then they are pretty rude IMHO.