Bday falls on SS weekend

[Driverssp]

Dp is saying we will have to either do it a diff weekend or do something in the house or with kids.

My bday actually falls on a sat for once. We havent had a date night in forever because of a lot of crap thats gone on lately. Is it too much to ask that he be dropped to nans 5 mins down the rd for a couple of hours whilst we go out for my bday?

He comes over and is glued to PS5 we only see him for meal times or if we force him to come out. So why can he not game at nans for that time?

The thing that gets me is, DP will gladly work on the weekends he has him, so he cant be that bothered about quality time!

"He's perfectly happy to leave him when it suits him."

When he's working you mean? Yes I suppose he does leave him then.

You do seem to have demonised this man on very skimpy evidence. Why do you think he doesn't want to go out and leave his son then? Why does he want to celebrate another night? I can't think of any motives other than, he wants his son to feel welcome.

@twominutesmore

"He's perfectly happy to leave him when it suits him."

When he's working you mean? Yes I suppose he does leave him then.

You do seem to have demonised this man on very skimpy evidence. Why do you think he doesn't want to go out and leave his son then? Why does he want to celebrate another night? I can't think of any motives other than, he wants his son to feel welcome.

On chosen overtime. He does not need to do that work, he is choosing to.

I'm not demonising him, but as a SM I am condemning him for expecting an enormous favour from OP (regular childcare) and then being so hypocritical about it when it comes to HIM doing something for HER. That kind of relationship is not worth being in.

I think he wants to do it this way because he is self absorbed and has double standards. Many people do behave that way.

@sashh

What does SS think?

Does SS have a local friend who could play PS5 could keep him company, order them a pizza and go out for a couple of hours.

I think most teens would be quite happy to have the place to themselves for a bit.

I like this idea too but I think op said earlier that both parents felt he was too young to be left home alone during the evening.

@twominutesmore And frankly regardless of why he's doing it, it shows a lack of care and appreciation for OP. In her shoes, for things to be anywhere close to equal in that regard, I would be making it clear that I am not available to be used for childcare. Frankly I'd have told him that long ago anyway.

"On chosen overtime. He does not need to do that work, he is choosing to."

Presumably the extra cash is very welcome to the household. It certainly doesn't sound like a treat to do extra work on the weekend.

"I'm not demonising him, but as a SM I am condemning him for expecting an enormous favour from OP (regular childcare) and then being so hypocritical about it when it comes to HIM doing something for HER. That kind of relationship is not worth being in."

I don't see supervising a child of the family as a favour really. If op isn't happy to do it so her dp can work and earn more then that's a separate issue that she needs to address imo.

"I think he wants to do it this way because he is self absorbed and has double standards. Many people do behave that way."

So he hasn't suggested a night out on another day because he wants his son to feel welcome and can't see why they can't just go out on, say, Friday instead. He has suggested it because...? No sorry I still don't understand his motive. He may well be self absorbed but that's not a motive.

@twominutesmore

"On chosen overtime. He does not need to do that work, he is choosing to."

Presumably the extra cash is very welcome to the household. It certainly doesn't sound like a treat to do extra work on the weekend.

"I'm not demonising him, but as a SM I am condemning him for expecting an enormous favour from OP (regular childcare) and then being so hypocritical about it when it comes to HIM doing something for HER. That kind of relationship is not worth being in."

I don't see supervising a child of the family as a favour really. If op isn't happy to do it so her dp can work and earn more then that's a separate issue that she needs to address imo.

"I think he wants to do it this way because he is self absorbed and has double standards. Many people do behave that way."

So he hasn't suggested a night out on another day because he wants his son to feel welcome and can't see why they can't just go out on, say, Friday instead. He has suggested it because...? No sorry I still don't understand his motive. He may well be self absorbed but that's not a motive.

You may not see it as a favour, but that's exactly what it is. Your perspective is that of a step child, but as a step parent, favours don't come any bigger that being regularly used for childcare. Appreciation is essential. It's not a seperate issue because it's a glaring double standard.

I'm sure OP would have said if they relied on the money he got from his overtime. She's said he doesn't have to do it, so I'm going on the assumption that they don't, unless she's lying to us.

And I've already said why I think he's doing it. Not everyone has a good reason for everything they do. Sometimes people are just being selfish, or lack self awareness that something they think is unacceptable when someone else does it, they do all the time.

It was the working on SS weekends that clinched it for me!

Also ask yourself - what if it was a different event? If it was his best mate’s birthday that you’d both been invited to? Or a stag even? Would he be securing a babysitter then, or declining the invite in order to stay at home and be mutually ignored by a teen?

Treating his DS differently to your DD would also irk me.

Sounds like he’s not going to budge, so IIWU I’d try to arrange something with a friend. Yes, yes, I know you want to go out with him, but make sure your birthday doesn’t passed unmarked if you’d like this chance to do it on the day.

I’m a SM and personally don’t bother with celebrating on the actual day, so would just shift the date on this occasion BUT I know it means different things to different people. My SDC’s own DM preserves the date of her birthday and makes sure it takes priority on the day.

"And I've already said why I think he's doing it. Not everyone has a good reason for everything they do. Sometimes people are just being selfish, or lack self awareness that something they think is unacceptable when someone else does it, they do all the time."

You see, it just doesn't make sense that he's not up for a night out 'just because he's selfish.'

So he's upset his dp, for absolutely no reason at all.

I can think of lots of reasons why he might not want to go on that night - wants to make his son feel welcome, doesn't want to rush back after two hours (which is how long op says they'd be out), doesn't want to have to go to his mum's to collect his son after a lovely night out, doesn't want his son to see him tipsy, doesn't to be hungover the next day.

All of those are good reasons to say - let's go another night when we haven't got to rush back, don't have to do a trip to grandmas, don't have to watch how much we drink.

When you think about it, 'being selfish' doesn't really make sense as a reason to say no.

I can see we won't agree on this but hopefully our two polarised viewpoints will help op in some way.

@twominutesmore

"And I've already said why I think he's doing it. Not everyone has a good reason for everything they do. Sometimes people are just being selfish, or lack self awareness that something they think is unacceptable when someone else does it, they do all the time."

You see, it just doesn't make sense that he's not up for a night out 'just because he's selfish.'

So he's upset his dp, for absolutely no reason at all.

I can think of lots of reasons why he might not want to go on that night - wants to make his son feel welcome, doesn't want to rush back after two hours (which is how long op says they'd be out), doesn't want to have to go to his mum's to collect his son after a lovely night out, doesn't want his son to see him tipsy, doesn't to be hungover the next day.

All of those are good reasons to say - let's go another night when we haven't got to rush back, don't have to do a trip to grandmas, don't have to watch how much we drink.

When you think about it, 'being selfish' doesn't really make sense as a reason to say no.

I can see we won't agree on this but hopefully our two polarised viewpoints will help op in some way.

I don't understand why you keep saying selfishness doesn't make sense as a reason. Of course it does, that's what selfishness is. It's usually not justifiable when you actually look at the situation. Selfish people do it anyway.

And regardless if any of the list above are his reasons, it still shows a fundamental lack of consideration for OP. Those very small details to do with his son and his mum matter, but giving OP a much needed nice time on her birthday which she's intimated is important to her, after all she's done for him, doesn't.

You obviously think the very minor risk it might upset his generally unbothered son is more important, which is your prerogative. But I don't, and I think even if he IS thinking all those things, it still makes him a piss poor partner for OP.

I thought SS was social services… surely you need to work it out with ransoms from the internet advising…

"I don't understand why you keep saying selfishness doesn't make sense as a reason. Of course it does, that's what selfishness is. It's usually not justifiable when you actually look at the situation. Selfish people do it anyway."

It's a personality trait not a reason. You wouldn't say 'happiness' was a reason for making a decision would you? He might be prioritising his reasons over op's reasons because he's selfish but you still need to wonder what his reasons are.

"You obviously think the very minor risk it might upset his generally unbothered son is more important, which is your prerogative. But I don't, and I think even if he IS thinking all those things, it still makes him a piss poor partner for OP."

I do. He lives with op and has 13 other days per fortnight to prioritise her and make her feel special. Let's keep his contact day free for his son. If he doesn't make her feel prioritised on the other days then that's separate issue for her to think about.

A man who says we'll have to go out another night because I'm seeing my son would be a great partner for someone like me because I'd love him for it but yes you might be right, not the sort of person op needs.

Out of interest OP, what are the chances that 'D'P will not go out because of his son, but will also choose to work overtime on your birthday so that you spend the day babysitting?

'Cos if he does, I'd be rethinking the relationship. Unless you are desperate for the money from the overtime, he is being shit and opting out. Also - do you have shared finances or separate? Who benefits from the overtime money?

I can't believe this thread is still going on!

My son is 13. He'd be more than happy being left for a few hours so he can play on his gaming devices in peace. Leave him a few snacks as well and he'd be in heaven,

I suspect if the OP's husband was going to a friend's house for a few drinks, no one would mind. It's just the expectation that the SM has to put her needs last. That's not fair of him!

Would Nan be willing to come and sit in the OP's house for a few hours instead? Or can you get a babysitter? Maybe SS doesn't like going to Nan's so dad wants to avoid an argument about it.

Yes @Feedingthebirds1 makes a good point. I'd make arrangements with friends to be out during the day, if only to prevent this happening.

@twominutesmore

"I don't understand why you keep saying selfishness doesn't make sense as a reason. Of course it does, that's what selfishness is. It's usually not justifiable when you actually look at the situation. Selfish people do it anyway."

It's a personality trait not a reason. You wouldn't say 'happiness' was a reason for making a decision would you? He might be prioritising his reasons over op's reasons because he's selfish but you still need to wonder what his reasons are.

"You obviously think the very minor risk it might upset his generally unbothered son is more important, which is your prerogative. But I don't, and I think even if he IS thinking all those things, it still makes him a piss poor partner for OP."

I do. He lives with op and has 13 other days per fortnight to prioritise her and make her feel special. Let's keep his contact day free for his son. If he doesn't make her feel prioritised on the other days then that's separate issue for her to think about.

A man who says we'll have to go out another night because I'm seeing my son would be a great partner for someone like me because I'd love him for it but yes you might be right, not the sort of person op needs.

I'm sorry but your point about selfishness doesn't make any sense and is very pedantic. You don't just say well he can't be being selfish because that's a personality trait, not a reason. The selfishness colours the reasons. His reason is he can't go out because his son is there, but in the circumstances OP has laid out, that is selfish and hypocritical.

A partner who says we can't go out for your birthday because I'm seeing my son, but also says he's going to optional, non essential work regularly when he has him and leaves you to watch them, is not objectively a good partner for anyone. He's taking far more than he's giving.

People who feel strongly about the hardships of being a SC like to imagine that they would be eternally ungrateful to be undervalued by their partner as long as they are very attentive to their kids, but actually the reality is very different. A partner in that situation has very little to be grateful for. They could be with someone that appreciates and cares about their needs, as well as their kids.

So your question is AYBU to arrange for SS to go with your own DC to to his Nan for a couple hours Sat eve over contact weekend whilst you celebrate your birthday with a meal out with your DH?
Which is a rare event not regular.

The answer is yanbu

It won't hurt SS to do this. He can have sometime with his Nan

I'm not a step mum but my DCs have Stepmum and rarely see their dad or stepmum, she's often out and never has them on her own (her choice) Even when they do sometimes ho to dads (his choice as he's "very busy man") he leaves them most weekend without asking them with his mum (nanny) - so they vote with their feet sometimes . DCs love their Nan and can be mardy teenagers sometimes themselves who like to sit in their phones when nothing else is arranged. Which is how teenagers can react.

If you need this night out it's not unreasonable to ask DH for it, and for Nan to have SS. It's not all weekend.

I don't understand the rest of your posts which indicate DH is frequent working over his contact alternative weekends, but that's his call. It's also up to you if you want to be defacto parent to SS whilst DH works.

Your DH needs to bear in mind that soon a 13 year old as he gets older will stop wanting to come if Dad is always busy for most of that weekend.

But you are allowed a night off . It's not great forward planning that you're busy before and after so can't move your birthday, if you wanted to spend it just the two of you, but that's DHs doing as much as yours.

My DCs dad cancels regularly for his birthday/ nights out/ step mums birthday/ any excuse really. So a Dad and SS that regularly have SS is so much better than a number of us have for our DCs

@AnotherSillawithanS

Your dp, is putting his child first. Bravo.

No he isn't. Boo.

He works on contact weekends, ensuring the 'childcare' (not sure how old this teen is) falls to OP.

He allows his child to stay up gaming until 3am.

There is no way he is putting his child first.

*eternally grateful, not ungrateful.

My point is that there are nrp and stepparents out theee that don't see DCs regularly and regularly cancel putting themselves first

Op isn't talking about cancelling weekend. DH (nrp) has already indicated it isn't precious time with DSS or he wouldn't have arranged to work.

To me this isn't a choice between DSS and OP/stepmum , it's that DH hasn't given priority to either. He can give priority for a part of that weekend / few hours to both! And the alternative for DSS is his grandmother!

I have no bay in the ring as I'm only a mum not a stepmum but I wouldn't be unhappy with grandma care for a few hours as a rare occasion so that stepmum felt valued by her husband
I'd have more angst about how little their dad gives priority in general to spending time with his own DS on his weekends. But at DSS age 13 I would have no say as teenagers will refuse to go when they feel it isn't good enough. That's not from a one off but from weighing up over time.

The thing is, you're a parent to that child effectively. A step parent yes, but a parent none the less. These are the challenges parents face.

I hate this expression most of the time, but it applies here - You knew he had kids when you got together with him.... You cannot change that and his son will ALWAYS be his number one priority

@Skeumorph

'Oh! Why that's fine of course. It's great that you've finally decided that the most important thing is spending time with SS when it's your contact time. I guess we'll miss the overtime money, but that's no problem. I've decided for my birthday I'm going to start evening classes now that I won't be required to look after SS on weekend ex-overtime nights, now that you won't be doing anything else on contact nights, so I'm really pleased that you have taken this step'

That will just make OP look like a massive dick!

That will just make OP look like a massive dick!

ODFOD, not being taken advantage of for childcare does not make ANYONE look like a dick.

So you have similar responsibility for your ss as his dad, in that you look after him entirely on your own on a regular basis?
But you're not allowed to be responsible for arranging alternative childcare.
You could certainly argue that you want both these levels of responsibility - or neither.

@GrannytoaUnicorn

The thing is, you're a parent to that child effectively. A step parent yes, but a parent none the less. These are the challenges parents face.

I hate this expression most of the time, but it applies here - You knew he had kids when you got together with him.... You cannot change that and his son will ALWAYS be his number one priority

She is absolutely not a parent to him