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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bday falls on SS weekend

256 replies

Driverssp · 09/01/2022 18:32

Dp is saying we will have to either do it a diff weekend or do something in the house or with kids.

My bday actually falls on a sat for once. We havent had a date night in forever because of a lot of crap thats gone on lately. Is it too much to ask that he be dropped to nans 5 mins down the rd for a couple of hours whilst we go out for my bday?

He comes over and is glued to PS5 we only see him for meal times or if we force him to come out. So why can he not game at nans for that time?

The thing that gets me is, DP will gladly work on the weekends he has him, so he cant be that bothered about quality time!

OP posts:
pollygartertidywife · 09/01/2022 21:47

Fucking hell the step mum bashers really can't help themselves can they ?

If it were a biological child and OP asked if the kid could stay with GPS while they had a birthday dinner - no one would blink !!

Also - have any of you EVER met a 13 year old with a PlayStation ? I would be extremely surprised if he even noticed the OP and dad had gone out even if he was left at home (which isn't even being proposed) .. instead he can spend some time with grandparents . Just like any other child . !

You deserve your birthday dinner in your birthday OP. Just like parents who don't give up their time to look after other peoples children. Enjoy.

KateyKontent · 09/01/2022 21:48

Yanbu

It's totally ok for you to want to go out for your birthday. SS's nan might be glad to see him, although I think it's totally fine to leave a 13 yo home alone. You can always go out somewhere nice for brunch the next day.

I would leave your DH to his quality time and go out with my friends.

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 21:49

@Hotyogahotchoc

OP Mumsnet can be unfair to step parents and I think if you were the mum asking if you were U to go out with just your DP and no kids there would be no issue
If that child was only with the mum part time then yes, there would be a problem.
user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 21:49

If it were a biological child and OP asked if the kid could stay with GPS while they had a birthday dinner - no one would blink !!

If the biological child only stayed with them EOW then of course they would blink!

echt · 09/01/2022 21:51

This thread amazes me for the prevalence of those who chastise the OP, for not being a good enough step-mother, while ignoring her DP, whose dereliction as a parent is stated in the the OP's OP!

Hmm
GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 21:56

@flowersinherhairinjune

'Dont really fancy a grumpy teenager sitting on his phone being rude at my bday meal'

Well you're shit out of luck then, suck it up buttercup.

Jesus, do you have teenagers? Particularly boys??? I don’t know any that would agree to a birthday dinner out for an adult out of the sheer joy of it Grin

They come because it is the right thing to do, but given the choice they most likely choose not to.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/01/2022 21:57

Can't see a problem with it. It's a couple of hours and he's a teen who'd be sat on his ps ignoring everyone if you were around

GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 22:00

@user1481840227

If it were a biological child and OP asked if the kid could stay with GPS while they had a birthday dinner - no one would blink !!

If the biological child only stayed with them EOW then of course they would blink!

Curiously, they don’t blink while this dad chooses to dump his child on the care of OP for most of the weekend, they just blink when the stepmum asks for something perfectly reasonable especially when she does so much for the child already.
user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 22:04

Curiously, they don’t blink while this dad chooses to dump his child on the care of OP for most of the weekend, they just blink when the stepmum asks for something perfectly reasonable especially when she does so much for the child already.

Perhaps they need a break 2 nights a fortnight so they can have a bit of a life and recharge their mental health after doing all of the parenting the rest of the time!!

flippertyop · 09/01/2022 22:09

There's no right answer to this. On the one hand you are being entirely reasonable and he could go to his Ann's. In the other hand he isn't with you all the time and that's his contact weekend. I think I would either try and swap the weekend and cancel one of your other commitments or postpone the dinner

manseymoo1987 · 09/01/2022 22:53

I think because it's your birthday (once a year obvs!) and it falls on an actual Saturday (every 7 years roughly!) I'd like to celebrate on the actual day. This is a teenager we're taking about who probably couldn't care less as long as he has his tec with him. Your dh should make arrangements for this one time (with a babysitter if he needs it) or try and negotiate a change of contact.

lastchristmasigaveyoumyheart · 09/01/2022 23:10

I don't understand why he can't be left alone? My children are 10 & 12. We leave them for 2 and a half hours (back by 8.30pm) occasionally, so we can have a nice meal at restaurant they wouldn't enjoy. They are fine, they eat before we leave and then sit in the living room on their tablets.

AnotherSillawithanS · 09/01/2022 23:19

For those saying he's not putting his child first as he's doing overtime and putting his partner last. Perhaps they need the money and he's hardly putting his partner last just because he's not changing his contact day.

Op is hardly babysitting the SS when dad is at work, they're a family no?

I have a SS, I never refer to him as that in real life and he never refers to me as his SM. He just tells people I'm in his mam and I call him my son. When his dad goes out, I'm not babysitting him, he's part of the family!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/01/2022 23:22

@AnotherSillawithanS

For those saying he's not putting his child first as he's doing overtime and putting his partner last. Perhaps they need the money and he's hardly putting his partner last just because he's not changing his contact day.

Op is hardly babysitting the SS when dad is at work, they're a family no?

I have a SS, I never refer to him as that in real life and he never refers to me as his SM. He just tells people I'm in his mam and I call him my son. When his dad goes out, I'm not babysitting him, he's part of the family!

Your situation is not the norm in step parenting.
PenelopePitstop79 · 09/01/2022 23:41

@lastchristmasigaveyoumyheart

I don't understand why he can't be left alone? My children are 10 & 12. We leave them for 2 and a half hours (back by 8.30pm) occasionally, so we can have a nice meal at restaurant they wouldn't enjoy. They are fine, they eat before we leave and then sit in the living room on their tablets.
Really? Would they be ok if there was some unforeseen crisis or disaster at home? We had a fire when I was nine. My annoying 13 year old brother claimed there was a fire and I thought he was being silly & annoying as usual. I went back through smoke to get my homework as I thought I would get in trouble. It will be fine if everything is fine. But if there is a crisis, will they deal with it safely?
user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 23:43

For those saying he's not putting his child first as he's doing overtime and putting his partner last. Perhaps they need the money

The OP said this in her OP!
The thing that gets me is, DP will gladly work on the weekends he has him, so he cant be that bothered about quality time!

and also He doesnt have to work its chosen overtime

PenelopePitstop79 · 09/01/2022 23:47

Personally I wouldn't take the risk. Fuck it. You could have a nice treat at home, decorate the place, get a take away from favourite restaurant. Everyone is ok.

timeisnotaline · 09/01/2022 23:52

I would arrange going out with friends and say calmly in the future you may not work during contact weekends, I’m not available to look after him. It wouldn’t be appropriate leaving him with me if he can’t spend a few hours with his grandma on your contact weekend, you should be thinking of things to do with him anyway or engaging him in chores with you.

converseandjeans · 09/01/2022 23:56

Can't you either go Friday evening or change plans for the weekend before/after? You're asking DP to change plans with his DS who I presume he only sees alternate weekends?

I don't see why you can't just get a nice take out and have a few drinks at home.

I also think 13 is old enough to be left for a couple of hours - so if you went out say 7.30 and got back around 9.30/10 surely he would be OK on his PS5?

converseandjeans · 09/01/2022 23:56

Or go out with friends

lastchristmasigaveyoumyheart · 10/01/2022 00:02

@PenelopePitstop79 yes if there was a fire at home they'd leave the house and go to one of our neighbours. They'd use their phone/iPad to call us and let us know what is happening. It's not like we leave them while they're sleeping.

The eldest gets public transport to school and the 10 year old has a ten minute walk. Maybe I should drive them??? Just in case!

My kids are pretty sensible, though, and I'm not one to catastrophise and panic. Hopefully, I've passed that on to them.

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 10/01/2022 00:09

Parking the birthday / date night issue aside for a moment...

There's probably a mix of things here as to why he is grumpy.

He is 13 and that's most teenagers. Plus we have all been a moody teenager hormones all over the place.

He is going from his custodial parent home to non-custodial home

He is left by his dad who goes out and yet it is his contact weekend. So a few hours away from the defined access may make him feel 'parked' on step-mum and is picking up on her resentment of childcare

He chooses to game until 3am at age 13. He sounds reclusive and unhappy.

@Driverssp - It would be nice if he and dad could spend time together and bond more. that way you may see less of a grumpy teenager and enjoy a family night out all together. You and his dad can always separate and get new partners. Your step-son will only ever have one childhood and one father however many step mums/step dads are in his life.

I would work on more bonding between your partner and his son some alone time just for them. It is time that they will never get back. It is paramount.

KateyKontent · 10/01/2022 00:17

@timeisnotaline

I would arrange going out with friends and say calmly in the future you may not work during contact weekends, I’m not available to look after him. It wouldn’t be appropriate leaving him with me if he can’t spend a few hours with his grandma on your contact weekend, you should be thinking of things to do with him anyway or engaging him in chores with you.
Exactly this. The father should be making the relationship with his son his paramount concern.
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2022 00:20

I would be rethinking everything about this relationship.

He comes first, his son second and you stone dead last (with a fair few people in between I bet)

There has been a comment on another thread about red flags that dont seem like red flags at the time, or at least not to the person in the relationship. This is one of them. He is a selfish arsehole and you can do better. Being on your own is better than being taken for granted and treated like an afterthought.

Original poster
Driverssp · 10/01/2022 00:28

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

Parking the birthday / date night issue aside for a moment...

There's probably a mix of things here as to why he is grumpy.

He is 13 and that's most teenagers. Plus we have all been a moody teenager hormones all over the place.

He is going from his custodial parent home to non-custodial home

He is left by his dad who goes out and yet it is his contact weekend. So a few hours away from the defined access may make him feel 'parked' on step-mum and is picking up on her resentment of childcare

He chooses to game until 3am at age 13. He sounds reclusive and unhappy.

@Driverssp - It would be nice if he and dad could spend time together and bond more. that way you may see less of a grumpy teenager and enjoy a family night out all together. You and his dad can always separate and get new partners. Your step-son will only ever have one childhood and one father however many step mums/step dads are in his life.

I would work on more bonding between your partner and his son some alone time just for them. It is time that they will never get back. It is paramount.

His dad really tries with him, is forever thinking of activities they can do, also surprises him with things he likes. However he is always met with an ungrateful attitude or a no to any suggestions.

I agree time is previous but he cannot force his son to bond with him.

I also get that he is grumpy because he is hormonal, im not completely oblivious. He is allowed to be, as we all were. I just do not wish to go out for dinner with him on this one particular night of the year for what will be 2/3hours max. Hardly evil step mum (for those other posters)

OP posts: