Page 8 | Bday falls on SS weekend

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 00:34

Why not give him the option when he comes if he wants to come out for dinner with you both? You may well find that he doesn't want to come anyway and would rather have a couple hours of peace to himself. I personally would let him stay home alone rather than sending him to his grans but I get that's his dad's decision not yours.

If he says he wants to come though I think it would be nice to include him, we always went out for family meals for birthdays in my house. You and your Husband can have a date night without it being your birthday. If he does want to come for your birthday meal why not plan a date night for the next weekend he isn't with you and you're both free? You've said you would leave your child with their Gran so would that not be an option?

I think some posters are being a bit OTT but I do also think it would be nice to at least give him the option to join (although get his dad to make it clear he's not to come just to sit on his phone the full time - we were never allowed phones at the table when out or in the house, I do find it very rude)

Clymene · 10/01/2022 00:43

His dad really tries with him but chooses to do overtime in the meagre bits of time he has with him?

Bollocks does he try. He sounds like a shit dad.

But that's not to say you shouldn't have an evening out on your birthday. A 13 year old is perfectly capable of gaming home alone while you go out for dinner.

Poor kid - no one really cares about him

Original poster

Driverssp · 10/01/2022 00:43

@Lou98

Why not give him the option when he comes if he wants to come out for dinner with you both? You may well find that he doesn't want to come anyway and would rather have a couple hours of peace to himself. I personally would let him stay home alone rather than sending him to his grans but I get that's his dad's decision not yours.

If he says he wants to come though I think it would be nice to include him, we always went out for family meals for birthdays in my house. You and your Husband can have a date night without it being your birthday. If he does want to come for your birthday meal why not plan a date night for the next weekend he isn't with you and you're both free? You've said you would leave your child with their Gran so would that not be an option?

I think some posters are being a bit OTT but I do also think it would be nice to at least give him the option to join (although get his dad to make it clear he's not to come just to sit on his phone the full time - we were never allowed phones at the table when out or in the house, I do find it very rude)

Thats the point. Im not giving him the option because i dont want him there. Just as i dont want my own child there.

I want a night out with my partner. Thats all.

For the record we ask him constantly if he wants to join for xyz, the answer is always no. Always

OP posts:

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 00:45

@Driverssp if the answer is always no, why not ask?

As I said, you and your partner can have date night any time, it doesn't need to be an occasion.

I don't think yabu, I just personally would at least ask my children if they wanted to come for a birthday but everybody's different

Original poster

Driverssp · 10/01/2022 00:46

@Clymene

His dad really tries with him but chooses to do overtime in the meagre bits of time he has with him?

Bollocks does he try. He sounds like a shit dad.

But that's not to say you shouldn't have an evening out on your birthday. A 13 year old is perfectly capable of gaming home alone while you go out for dinner.

Poor kid - no one really cares about him

Thanks stranger on the internet. Yes nobody cares about him, lets call the social now!

You've had the tiniest bit of info, you know nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Driverssp · 10/01/2022 00:50

[quote Lou98]@Driverssp if the answer is always no, why not ask?

As I said, you and your partner can have date night any time, it doesn't need to be an occasion.

I don't think yabu, I just personally would at least ask my children if they wanted to come for a birthday but everybody's different [/quote]
What is the point?! I don't want him there, he doesn't want to be there. What on earth is the point in asking. God this is exhausting.

My post was not, should i ask my ss if he wants to come for dinner!

OP posts:

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 10/01/2022 00:51

Hi OP, His dad really tries with him, is forever thinking of activities they can do, also surprises him with things he likes. However he is always met with an ungrateful attitude or a no to any suggestions That is nice that he is really trying and conidering him with surprises. I would ask him very much at his level. Is there anything you want to talk about that is making you happy? I would also very much make the point of Dad or you giving the 13yr old the chance to choose the activity that involves just him and his dad. Not lets do this. More like, Is there something that you would really like to choose that is just you and me. Something that is just ours. Your choice whatever it is. A hobby, a project or a holiday. Something that involves a goal that is lead by 13 year old but engages dad and that dad can supervise.

I think then you and step child and step dad can negotiate times when you each have special time alone and then eventually all as a family.

That way he can see why you would want to spend time on your birthday with dad. You can see why he has time alone with his dad.

It also helps baragaining and building a new relationship. The family dynamic has changed. It is still changing. It would be a good basis going forward for all of you so you can have a happier time respectively and collectively.

I do think you need to address this child care that you seem solely to be providing. Currently both you and step child are feeling parked on one another.

Perhaps suggest that they both have something to look forward to doing together on Saturday in the day time so that you and DP go out for your birthday on the Saturday night. That way you each get what you want.

I think stepson needs to feel he has some control over his contact weekend as from the moemnt it comes across as he is pushed from pillar to post and parent to parent to step parent. The gaming in his room is the only thing he currently controls.

I think you would see a happier difference.

Clymene · 10/01/2022 00:52

Well his mum can't be bothered parenting him and his dad chooses to work when he has him on weekends

What reaction were you expecting @Driverssp?

I still don't see why you can't go out to dinner and leave him at home. Who is it who says he can't be left alone?

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 00:52

@Driverssp not sure why you're getting snappy, I was on your side saying you weren't being UR, it was just a suggestion.
You've posted on a forum asking for opinions, I said I'd personally ask him to join.

If you're so sure you're not BU, what was the point in posting?

user1481840227 · 10/01/2022 00:53

I just do not wish to go out for dinner with him on this one particular night of the year for what will be 2/3hours max. Hardly evil step mum (for those other posters)

I think the thread has taken this turn because you haven't really explained the conversation with you and your partner.

You asked " Is it too much to ask that he be dropped to nans 5 mins down the rd for a couple of hours whilst we go out for my bday?"

People tend to answer the questions based on the thread title and then some questions asked in the OP without looking at the fuller picture...so from that perspective it kind of comes of comes across that the issue is to do with the son, but really the issue is to do with your partner.

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 01:00

Are you giving up your weekends to look after a13 year old?!? I’ve got one younger than this slightly and we often leave him for a couple of hours on his Xbox on a Saturday afternoon while we go to the shops or pop out for pizza. If he’s got a phone, doesn’t move from his chair and it’s daylight I don’t see the issue. At our local school loads of the year 6 kids (so age 10) are going out by themselves without parents to meet friends and ride bikes outside for hours. Your SS is significantly older than this. What age are you going to leave him for a few hours? Thus is ridiculous

PenelopePitstop79 · 10/01/2022 01:03

[quote lastchristmasigaveyoumyheart]@PenelopePitstop79 yes if there was a fire at home they'd leave the house and go to one of our neighbours. They'd use their phone/iPad to call us and let us know what is happening. It's not like we leave them while they're sleeping.

The eldest gets public transport to school and the 10 year old has a ten minute walk. Maybe I should drive them??? Just in case!

My kids are pretty sensible, though, and I'm not one to catastrophise and panic. Hopefully, I've passed that on to them. [/quote]
Yeah my brother went to a neighbour. Still didn't result in safety.

Good for you not catastrophising. That will pass on many a useful skill.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2022 07:01

@Driverssp many of us have suggested that you go out with friends instead. Is it a case of you only really want to celebrate with your partner?

Lena18 · 10/01/2022 08:05

I have a sd and this has happened before we just go a different day or for a nice Sunday lunch. I get wanting a date just the two of you but the day shouldn't matter. I wouldn't want to put my dh in the position of having to choose. Explain to ss mother why he chose to leave him to go out.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 08:30

@Lena18

I have a sd and this has happened before we just go a different day or for a nice Sunday lunch. I get wanting a date just the two of you but the day shouldn't matter. I wouldn't want to put my dh in the position of having to choose. Explain to ss mother why he chose to leave him to go out.

He's perfectly willing to leave him to do optional overtime, with OP doing regular child care for him on those occasions.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 08:39

@timeisnotaline

I would arrange going out with friends and say calmly in the future you may not work during contact weekends, I’m not available to look after him. It wouldn’t be appropriate leaving him with me if he can’t spend a few hours with his grandma on your contact weekend, you should be thinking of things to do with him anyway or engaging him in chores with you.

I would be doing this OP. It's totally taking the piss that he is trying to claim he can't leave him yet he regularly leaves you to look after him. You need to put a stop to that, you're not being respected and your massive contribution acknowledged in any meaningful way so you really need to put your foot down.

Oh and next time I'd post in step parenting, it's not perfect but honestly 3/4s of the people on AIBU are absolutely batshit.

twominutesmore · 10/01/2022 08:40

I think it's easier to justify overtime to a child, and his other parent, than it is to justify a night out.

Overtime benefits the family financially, and can have others long-term benefits at work too, but I'm not sure a 13yo would understand why the night out had to happen without him, on that particular night.

I'd celebrate with him or with friends instead, and plan date night for a less contentious time.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 08:47

@twominutesmore

I think it's easier to justify overtime to a child, and his other parent, than it is to justify a night out.

Overtime benefits the family financially, and can have others long-term benefits at work too, but I'm not sure a 13yo would understand why the night out had to happen without him, on that particular night.

I'd celebrate with him or with friends instead, and plan date night for a less contentious time.

Only if the child is extremely sensitive. I wouldn't have batted an eye if my parents went for a date when I was a child, in fact I would have been excited to see my mum all dressed up and see my grandparents.

I think people on here are inherently scandalised by EOW contact and they project that onto the SC and assume they all feel equally intensely about contact time. In my experience, that's not the case, it's normal to them.

And I don't know any 13 year old's that would be upset and expect to be invited on a "night out". Night's out are for adults. Like work parties etc, they are things your parents occasionally do but you are too young for. It's normal for children to be left behind for occasions like this. Unless they have a history of being upset by it, which OP has said he very much doesn't, then all this is purely adult projection.

twominutesmore · 10/01/2022 09:05

Well luckily all people are different.

When I was a teen, I saw my dad EOW and was always made to feel like he had missed me and couldn't wait to see me.

Occasionally, he had to work and I understood that, but I would have been a bit sad if he had a night out and left me with another relative. In fact, I don't think it ever happened. I either went with them or, I guess, they went out on one of the other nights when I wasn't there.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 09:15

@twominutesmore

Well luckily all people are different.

When I was a teen, I saw my dad EOW and was always made to feel like he had missed me and couldn't wait to see me.

Occasionally, he had to work and I understood that, but I would have been a bit sad if he had a night out and left me with another relative. In fact, I don't think it ever happened. I either went with them or, I guess, they went out on one of the other nights when I wasn't there.

Yes, but DSS doesn't sound very much like you. OP has outlined his character and it doesn't sound like he would be bothered at all.

My DSS would gladly spent all of his contact weekends with his grandma, he'd be delighted. So one night with her would be a treat to him, contact weekend or not.

twominutesmore · 10/01/2022 09:25

True. But I think his dad probably knows him best, knows what sort of parent he wants to be, knows what sort of message he wants to give to his son.

It is different if your child lives with you - a night out in those circumstances is no problem at all.

Just my perspective of course, which op can add to the mix when deciding what to do. Personally, I'd ask him to come out for a meal and tell dp that I expect an outstanding compensatory night out on another day.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 09:36

@twominutesmore

True. But I think his dad probably knows him best, knows what sort of parent he wants to be, knows what sort of message he wants to give to his son.

It is different if your child lives with you - a night out in those circumstances is no problem at all.

Just my perspective of course, which op can add to the mix when deciding what to do. Personally, I'd ask him to come out for a meal and tell dp that I expect an outstanding compensatory night out on another day.

I think that's giving him too much credit. It doesn't sound like he puts loads of thought into his DS, it sounds like he just does what he wants when he wants which includes a load of favours from OP and very little reciprication. He sounds selfish.

If I was just going for a meal I would probably just do it another night. If I was after a "night out" with a party atmosphere then it would make a huge difference it being on a Saturday. I wouldn't be interested in a birthday meal with my DSS there, I'm sorry but that just wouldn't be a treat for me due to his behaviour and the fact that meals out with kids tend to revolve around them. Clearly it's the same for OP for reasons she has explained.

But the whole doing it on another night argument is a red herring here. The fact is it's disingenuous to present this as a doting dad who puts loads of care into his son simply being a saint. He doesn't and he isn't. He's perfectly happy to leave him when it suits him, and take a HUGE amount of OPs time as babysitter to do so (something he should be immensely grateful for and keen to pay back), but when it comes to doing something nice for OP suddenly it's too much to ask. He's selfish, and OP deserves better.

That's the only message he's giving his son.

Hemingwayscatz · 10/01/2022 09:38

I don’t really like celebrating my birthday so maybe I’m being biased here but I can’t see the issue with celebrating the weekend before or after as your DH suggested. Go out with your friends on the actual day.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 09:39

Also, it really wouldn't hurt his son to know that ignoring everyone on your PS5 isn't quality time so if that's what he wants to do he shouldn't expect everyone to sit around hoping he's going to pop out and sit with them for 5 minutes. He's already dictated that they're not having a "family evening". If time with dad was as precious to him as it was for you then he wouldn't be doing that.

Chances are he's just a normal kid that isn't that fussed about his parents and is far more bothered about gaming.

sashh · 10/01/2022 09:44

What does SS think?

Does SS have a local friend who could play PS5 could keep him company, order them a pizza and go out for a couple of hours.

I think most teens would be quite happy to have the place to themselves for a bit.