Page 10 | Bday falls on SS weekend

trumpisagit · 10/01/2022 13:44

I think your suggestion he goes to his Nan is reasonable.
However his dad allowing a 13 year old to stay up till 3 am gaming is unreasonable.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/01/2022 14:16

@LuckySantangelo35 Of course she is! She's a step parent! The clue is in the name..... Less responsibilities yes, but still a parental figure - like it or not!

GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/01/2022 14:18

@aSofaNearYou

That will just make OP look like a massive dick!

ODFOD, not being taken advantage of for childcare does not make ANYONE look like a dick.

You've massively twisted my words there! I'm not suggesting OP agree to be taken advantage of! I'm saying your ridiculous passive aggressive speech will make her look a massive dick! But then you knew that's what I meant!

YukoandHiro · 10/01/2022 14:32

If you're looking after him during your husband's working hours then 100 per cent he can use a babysitter or family to watch him for your birthday drinks.

Put that to him directly.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/01/2022 14:37

@aSofaNearYou Of course she is a parent! She's a step parent. The clue is in the name..... Less responsibilities yes, but still a parental figure - like it or not!

No toxicity whatsoever! It really pisses me off when step parents moan about the existence of their step child! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thankfully my child won't ever have a step parent - even though yes, I know there's many fantastic SPs out there. But why get into a relationship with someone with children to then moan further down the line, about OCCASIONAL short bursts of parenting inevitably falling to them! Nobody bats an eyelid when a single mother gets married and eventually leaves their husband to watch her kids for a few hours every now & then.
But as soon as it's a step mum that is occasionally asked to watch her husband's child, it's "she's being taken advantage of!"

Mangomammy · 10/01/2022 14:43

Grown ass woman going in a huff over a birthday dinner?
Grow up OP.

Go out for dinner with your husband another time/ take stepSON with you/ order in fancy take away or restaurant delivery/ go out with friends.

Madness.

If you marry/ get into a long term relationship with someone with children you choose to take this kind of this on, the whole “not the parent” thing is a disgusting attitude.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 14:43

You've massively twisted my words there! I'm not suggesting OP agree to be taken advantage of! I'm saying your ridiculous passive aggressive speech will make her look a massive dick! But then you knew that's what I meant!

It wasn't my speech, but whether it is passive aggressive or not entirely depends on tone and intention. Nonetheless, the fact still remains that there is a massive gap in logic between her DPs refusal to miss contact time with his son, yet willingness to do this regularly for his own purposes leaving OP to care for him. There is no angle from which it would make OP a dick to point that out, or indeed say she isn't willing to do it anymore.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 14:52

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@aSofaNearYou Of course she is a parent! She's a step parent. The clue is in the name..... Less responsibilities yes, but still a parental figure - like it or not!

No toxicity whatsoever! It really pisses me off when step parents moan about the existence of their step child! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thankfully my child won't ever have a step parent - even though yes, I know there's many fantastic SPs out there. But why get into a relationship with someone with children to then moan further down the line, about OCCASIONAL short bursts of parenting inevitably falling to them! Nobody bats an eyelid when a single mother gets married and eventually leaves their husband to watch her kids for a few hours every now & then.
But as soon as it's a step mum that is occasionally asked to watch her husband's child, it's "she's being taken advantage of!" [/quote]
Well you're pissed off because of your own biased misreading of things then, because step parents don't moan about the existence of their step children, they moan about people like you trying to tell them things like "you are their parent" (which is categorically not true), and "you must make every possible sacrifice for them including unnecessary one's because this is what "parents" must do" (also bullshit on two accounts).

It's not the end of the world for DSS to spend one evening at his nan's, when looked at with any degree of common sense and perspective. But it's not really about that one night, it has simply served to highlight a gaping double standard in her DPs thinking, and a lack of care and appreciation for what she does for him as a partner. She is NOT her DSS's mother so all the childcare she provides for him is a huge favour to him. If he were grateful, this would be an act of love rather than an example of her being taken advantage of, but as it is, he is not showing himself to be very grateful or attentive to OPs needs. So why should she be of his?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2022 14:57

Also ask yourself - what if it was a different event? If it was his best mate’s birthday that you’d both been invited to? Or a stag even? Would he be securing a babysitter then, or declining the invite in order to stay at home and be mutually ignored by a teen?

This is a very good question.

Greenmarmalade · 10/01/2022 14:59

Sounds fine to me.

ikeptgoing · 10/01/2022 18:16

@GrannytoaUnicorn

The thing is, you're a parent to that child effectively. A step parent yes, but a parent none the less. These are the challenges parents face.

I hate this expression most of the time, but it applies here - You knew he had kids when you got together with him.... You cannot change that and his son will ALWAYS be his number one priority

But OP is complaining DSS isn't his dads priority. He prioritorises neither. OP is left looking after DSS for long periods on dads contact as he takes on elective overtime.

So it isn't about a wonderful dad giving priority to his son. It's the opposite and a step mum who wants to go out hug is being left with childcare again for her stepson when she can arrange childcare for that for her DCs

So yes she can tell DH to send DSS for babysitting for few hours to boys Nan. So that op can go out herself or go out with her partner. She's hardly not looking after DSS often already on her own!

GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/01/2022 20:35

@Mangomammy

Grown ass woman going in a huff over a birthday dinner? Grow up OP.

Go out for dinner with your husband another time/ take stepSON with you/ order in fancy take away or restaurant delivery/ go out with friends.

Madness.

If you marry/ get into a long term relationship with someone with children you choose to take this kind of this on, the whole “not the parent” thing is a disgusting attitude.

Exactly! This is precisely what I was saying. It always works different when the step mum is asked to do a little babysitting. Perfectly fine and almost 'expected' for a step dad though of course

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/01/2022 21:05

But it sounds as if OP already does her fair share of babysitting.
And “grown ass women” can still celebrate birthdays can they not?

Offmyfence · 10/01/2022 21:22

Hmmm this is not about a date night on your birthday is it?

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 21:45

It always works different when the step mum is asked to do a little babysitting. Perfectly fine and almost 'expected' for a step dad though of course

No it isn't. No step parent should be expected to provide childcare and it should always be appreciated, male or female.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/01/2022 23:49

It always works different when the step mum is asked to do a little babysitting. Perfectly fine and almost 'expected' for a step dad though of course

There is a significant difference between a mum sometimes asking the step parent to do a few hours so that she can have an occasional evening out, and a father who works unnecessary overtime every time it's his contact weekend and just expects OP to give up her time to cover his arse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2022 00:22

It always works different when the step mum is asked to do a little babysitting. Perfectly fine and almost 'expected' for a step dad though of course

Utter bollocks. Divorced men are always auditioning house elf new naïve girlfriend to do their shit work.

Onlinedilema · 11/01/2022 07:45

I really can't see the problem with going out. The teenage ss spends time in his PlayStation so why will he care?I
If the husband refused to go out, I would go out with friends and re evaluate my relationship. Shenanigans thinks it's fine for him to go out and leave ss as and when it suits him. Good for the Goose and all that.

twominutesmore · 11/01/2022 08:22

"Shenanigans thinks it's fine for him to go out and leave ss as and when it suits him."

He goes to work. Even voluntary overtime is work, and hardly fun. I don't think it's the same as leaving them for a night out.

Does he make arrangements to see friends or have a night out on his contact day op? If so, you've got a point.

Newmumatlast · 11/01/2022 08:27

@Driverssp

Dp is saying we will have to either do it a diff weekend or do something in the house or with kids.

My bday actually falls on a sat for once. We havent had a date night in forever because of a lot of crap thats gone on lately. Is it too much to ask that he be dropped to nans 5 mins down the rd for a couple of hours whilst we go out for my bday?

He comes over and is glued to PS5 we only see him for meal times or if we force him to come out. So why can he not game at nans for that time?

The thing that gets me is, DP will gladly work on the weekends he has him, so he cant be that bothered about quality time!

Your DP is right. He is putting his child first. I personally would want this in a partner. I also would be happy, though, going for a meal with my DP and SC as a family on my birthday and then if I wanted a date night doing that separately

aSofaNearYou · 11/01/2022 09:23

Your DP is right. He is putting his child first. I personally would want this in a partner. I also would be happy, though, going for a meal with my DP and SC as a family on my birthday and then if I wanted a date night doing that separately

I'd be curious to know if you actually have step children. Not that I'm saying you definitely don't, but it's incredibly common on here for people to say things like they would be glad to have any manner of crap partner as long as there is an angle (in this case a very dubious one) from which it could be said they were putting their child first.

I don't think this is a case of a good dad putting his kid first at all, that's blatantly obvious from the context that he regularly leaves him with OP, and the level of parenting he does when he is there. But even if he WAS, a good dad does not = a good partner.

echt · 11/01/2022 09:30

Your DP is right. He is putting his child first. I personally would want this in a partner. I also would be happy, though, going for a meal with my DP and SC as a family on my birthday and then if I wanted a date night doing that separately

Have you read the OP's OP ? The the DP gladly works weekends his son is at his home, leaving him in the the care of the OP.

He is a total derelict and slackers.

echt · 11/01/2022 09:31

Slackarse, not slackers.

echt · 11/01/2022 09:34

He goes to work. Even voluntary overtime is work, and hardly fun. I don't think it's the same as leaving them for a night out

Work is well-known way of evading parental responsibilities.

twominutesmore · 11/01/2022 12:48

"He is a total derelict and slackers."

Can one be both a slackarse and a volunteer to do voluntary overtime? They seem mutually exclusive to me.

If he loves evading his parental responsibilities I can't help wondering why he isn't keen to drop the lad with grandma and go out to party.