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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bday falls on SS weekend

256 replies

Driverssp · 09/01/2022 18:32

Dp is saying we will have to either do it a diff weekend or do something in the house or with kids.

My bday actually falls on a sat for once. We havent had a date night in forever because of a lot of crap thats gone on lately. Is it too much to ask that he be dropped to nans 5 mins down the rd for a couple of hours whilst we go out for my bday?

He comes over and is glued to PS5 we only see him for meal times or if we force him to come out. So why can he not game at nans for that time?

The thing that gets me is, DP will gladly work on the weekends he has him, so he cant be that bothered about quality time!

OP posts:
FrecklesMalone · 09/01/2022 20:39

Definitely fine to go out. However if P is being funny about it then go out with your mates on your birthday. I often do anyway! Then go out just with P if you can be arsed another night.
Do NOT have kids with this useless parent though. When DSS was a teen we didn't let him on all night even if his Mum did and we did (and still do even though he is late 20s!) When he come round.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2022 20:43

@Azerothi

Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn't like either of you very much. It sounds as though he simply doesn't want to take you out for your birthday and is using the son he doesn't see that much as an excuse.

I would definitely reconsider the babysitting when your boyfriend is at work.

This. He's not putting himself out for anyone. And letting a 13yo stay up until 3am gaming is neglectful. Sleep is a need, like food or water. It affects mental health and physical health and they are, frankly, crappy parents.
Darbs76 · 09/01/2022 20:47

Just go the night before he arrives for a meal with your partner and then go out with friends on your actual birthday. I don’t see why he can’t stay alone, mine certainly do at that age, for much longer than a meal. Who is against dropping him at his Nan’s? Or can Nan pop over if he can’t be left alone for a couple of hours?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2022 20:48

Make plans to go out with friends instead of sitting home and sulking.

Do you actually need to do anything on your actual birthday? Just move it forward or back for a couple of nights. Are you 13?

Lightswitch123 · 09/01/2022 20:49

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

Can't you do something the night before? Or do something with SS? I've got to admit I'm not too fussed about celebrating on my actual birthday, it's more about when is suitable for childcare etc and it seems you have every other weekend when you don't have a child to think of.
This
GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 20:51

@AnotherSillawithanS

Your dp, is putting his child first. Bravo.
If he was he wouldn’t be agreeing to overtime on DSS’ weekends at all.

He is putting his own convenience first, he could swap a night with mum or him for a couple of hours to grandma, just to partially balance things a bit for OP who, I suspect, is the main carer of DSS during contact days given that dad chooses not to be around when his kid is at home.

Cantleave · 09/01/2022 20:52

@Benjispruce5

Be grateful you’re with a man who takes his parenting responsibility seriously.
Hmmmm…I presume you meant this as a joke? 🤣🤣🤣

After all that man who ”takes his parenting responsibility seriously” takes on extra work, so he doesn’t have to look after his son on his weekend, the OP does! Also, I’m sure the letting his son stay up til 3am gaming, is him being really responsible too! Hmm

diddl · 09/01/2022 20:52

Presumably you don't only have his word that he stays up until 3am?

Mind you, even if his mum allows it, doesn't mean that his dad has to!

Would he be asked if he'd like to go to the meal?

SpilltheTea · 09/01/2022 20:53

I don't see what's wrong with this other than your partner pretending he's a good parent. If he actually cared about spending time with him, he wouldn't do overtime on the few occasions he has him.

GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 20:54

But I agree with whoever suggested that you need to arrange to go out with your friends and leave him to it.

You can also start being unavailable on the days DS is around, obviously not to be difficult, but to ensure your other half makes the best of the very limited time he can spend with his son.

Dibbydoos · 09/01/2022 20:56

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Arrange a fabulous eve out with your friends, dinner and cocktails!
I love this idea. If DP doesn't see how much you want to celebrate your bithday with him, then it's his tough luck. Mind you, once you tell him he may change his mind....

BTW I'd be pissed off too if my DP said that to me.

mumshouse · 09/01/2022 20:59

Your dp, is putting his child first. Bravo.

No, what he's doing is putting his partner last. Of course to some that would evoke even louder cheers...

GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 20:59

I wonder how many married mums with access to grandma for babysitting would be chastised for wanting a birthday night out as a couple.

It is the thing of being a step mum, you need to be twice as generous, caring and patient as a mother, do not intervene in discipline and be a proper doormat when required. Hmm

user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 21:04

@GrandmasCat
I'm sure that every mother who only had her child EOW and made no effort to spend quality time with them would be chastised!

Dolphinnoises · 09/01/2022 21:08

Bloody hell. 3am at 13?! That’s terrible parenting - and yes at your DP’s end too, you don’t have to go along with it.

2Hot2Handle · 09/01/2022 21:09

YANBU. Does DP not agree that he could spend time at his man’s? I’d make the point that you’re looking after you SS when DH is working and you’re asking that this one might be about celebrating something for yourself. If it’s too much to ask, I’d reconsider your availability for when your DH needs you to look after your SS.

2Hot2Handle · 09/01/2022 21:09

Nan’s even

Original poster
Driverssp · 09/01/2022 21:10

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Make plans to go out with friends instead of sitting home and sulking.

Do you actually need to do anything on your actual birthday? Just move it forward or back for a couple of nights. Are you 13?

Well i have said it cant be moved back or forwards because of other commitments. I also explained why but maybe you didn't fully read it properly like a 13 year old.
OP posts:
PenelopePitstop79 · 09/01/2022 21:16

I think I'd look at booking ta long spa day and leaving partner with his son. That way your partner might take you less for granted and your step son will be a happy camper at home with the PS4.

GrandmasCat · 09/01/2022 21:30

[quote user1481840227]@GrandmasCat
I'm sure that every mother who only had her child EOW and made no effort to spend quality time with them would be chastised![/quote]
You are right, the women would get a bad time, the dads are considered saints if they just kick a ball for 10 minutes with the kids in 48 hours and dump them with stepmum, other relatives/friends for the rest of the weekend.

Having said that poor stepmums may not be single but they get about the same amount of flack from those who have not much experience of the situation.

pollygartertidywife · 09/01/2022 21:40

@AnotherSillawithanS

Your dp, is putting his child first. Bravo.
Bollocks is he !

He 'chooses' to work weekends and leave OP to babysit... so not actually worried about spending time that much !

Now OP wants a date night for his birthday he is finding the child a useful excuse.

If he is a typical 'gaming' 13 yr old he won't care one iota where he is as long as he is not disturbed. Plant him with grandma and enjoy your dinner.

Hotyogahotchoc · 09/01/2022 21:42

I think that's fine OP

You're not asking for him not to come over

You are arranging for someone to help such him while you go out as you might if he were your own child loving with you full time

Why should you celebrate your birthday a different day

Enjoy it

Hotyogahotchoc · 09/01/2022 21:44

OP Mumsnet can be unfair to step parents and I think if you were the mum asking if you were U to go out with just your DP and no kids
there would be no issue

user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 21:44

You are right, the women would get a bad time, the dads are considered saints if they just kick a ball for 10 minutes with the kids in 48 hours and dump them with stepmum, other relatives/friends for the rest of the weekend.

@GrandmasCat
Interesting thing there is that it's the stepmums who consider the dads to be the saints. It's certainly not the childrens mothers who think it. The stepmothers turn a blind eye to the shit parenting and think the ex is the problem! They then often go on to have children with the shit dad themselves and act surprised or offended when they've already seen just how shit he was as a parent!

Onlinedilema · 09/01/2022 21:46

Go out with your dp the night before (if you can) then arrange a night out with your friends on your birthday.
Also 3am if far too late for a 13 year old to be up gaming.
I agree about making yourself less available to.

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