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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable to sleep till 12.30 pm when you have a child?

184 replies

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 12:46

My daughter is 8 - she goes to her dads every second weekend and once in the week every second week.

I'm just off FaceTime to her and her dad was still sleeping! She said she got up at 9 am and made her own breakfast and that her dad has been in bed saying '10 more minutes' since then.

It's now 12.30 pm, she is dressed, hair and teeth brushed and he's still lying in his bed. This has happened before but only till about 11 am, never the middle of the afternoon. Daughter doesn't seem too bothered.

Granted over the Christmas holidays there was a few times when I said 'okay I've left breakfast stuff out, help yourself so I can have a little lie in' but that was till around 10 am tops and that was after a busy festive period.

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to be sleeping till that time when he has his daughter? Maybe I'm being sensitive so I want to be sure before I say anything to him. I could understand more if he had her full time but surely on the days you have your child you'd want to spend time with her rather than sleeping?

Must say, it's nothing to do with alcohol or drugs, he doesn't drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
MeredithGreyishblue · 09/01/2022 16:28

It "could" be all manner things. We don't know and neither does the OP.

It's not making excuses to say that. It's perfectly true.

If he's not generally in bed at 12.30 (which isn't the middle of the afternoon but I know that's not the point!) then why don't you ask him?

We're all imperfect sometimes but maybe he needs a reminder why it might feel quite lonely and rejecting if you were 8 and only saw your dad once every other weekend and once for tea.

But not everything has to be a "confrontation". Some times you can have a chat.

HoneyBlahBlah · 09/01/2022 16:29

There could be a million and one reasons he is sleeping do late. Is he depressed? Anaemic? Any other condition that would make him this tired?

On my lie-in days I sleep until 12 or 1 and DP looks after DC. That's my business and DP doesn't judge me for it, as he does the same on his lie in days.

Fair enough, our situations are different. However I still think it's absolutely none of your business. Your daughter is old enough to decide for herself if this bothers her, it's not your place to decide for her.

BeyondMyWits · 09/01/2022 16:34

He's a crap dad. I presume you knew that when you parted.

He is in bed, in the same house, he is rousable enough to talk to. He's not dad of the year. But he's her dad and it's his time.

BritWifeInUSA · 09/01/2022 16:34

Maybe he’s ill?

JeffThePilot · 09/01/2022 16:35

Op I would go down there with the pure intention of causing drama. Your child deserves better than a lazy shit of a father who cba to even get out of bed on his day with her.

You know what the child also doesn’t deserve? Her parents intentionally causing “drama” and having to witness that.

HoneyBlahBlah · 09/01/2022 16:37

@JeffThePilot

Op I would go down there with the pure intention of causing drama. Your child deserves better than a lazy shit of a father who cba to even get out of bed on his day with her.

You know what the child also doesn’t deserve? Her parents intentionally causing “drama” and having to witness that.

Agree 🙄 why on earth do some people love drama so much?
Graphista · 09/01/2022 16:50

I wouldn't be impressed either he's wasting the little time he has to spend with his child and I wouldn't want such a young child left to their own devices for so long

Sadly there's little you can do. You can talk to him but it's unlikely to change things.

As she gets older if he continues to care so little about the time they spend together she'll be less and less inclined to go to his, especially when she hits the teen stage of friends being more appealing than parents anyway, might be worth pointing out that potential development to him which it's sounding like she's already erring towards.

Kids aren't stupid they know if someone is being a good parent or not and they do feel it if there is a lack of enthusiasm

Does he actually want contact do you think op? My exes behaviour showed he really wasn't that fussed but I made errors in forcing the matter which I now very much regret.

How long since the split? How's he been about contact generally?

It's not really a one off its an hour or so more than what he usually does which is not impressive tbh

StationaryMagpie · 09/01/2022 16:51

the only thing that needs doing here, if anything, is for the OP to have a conversation with her ex about her daughter phoning her because she's bored, and checking if her ex is ok.

Her daughter is fine, its not brilliant parenting, but he's not doing anything wrong either.

People need to chill.

immersivereader · 09/01/2022 16:54

Just lazy parenting.

immersivereader · 09/01/2022 16:55

There could be a million and one reasons he is sleeping do late. Is he depressed? Anaemic? Any other condition that would make him this tired?

^

Likelier he's just a crap dad?

PinkSyCo · 09/01/2022 17:01

12.30 is not the middle of the afternoon just so you know. Saying that if he stayed in bed this late regularly when he has his DD I’d be pretty pissed off, but you say he doesn’t and your DD is quite happy so I wouldn’t worry too much. Your DH could be feeling a bit under the weather for all you know.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2022 17:17

I have to admit I think pretty poorly of anyone who routinely sleeps in until 12.30, whether or not they have kids. I think its lame to waste a day like this. Shoot me.

I certainly would feel pretty aggrieved if my kid were being looked after like this.

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 18:50

@PinkSyCo

12.30 is not the middle of the afternoon just so you know. Saying that if he stayed in bed this late regularly when he has his DD I’d be pretty pissed off, but you say he doesn’t and your DD is quite happy so I wouldn’t worry too much. Your DH could be feeling a bit under the weather for all you know.
Okay, it might not be the middle of the afternoon, but it is the afternoon.
OP posts:
Longcovid21 · 09/01/2022 22:10

Just a note to add. I spent the entire day last week in bed as I was ill with a cough amd cold. Ds was beside me all day until 4 when his dad came home amd made dinner. Could he be ill?

Conspiracyornotr · 09/01/2022 22:41

Yes you have every right to have a word with him at the end of the day anything could have happened thankfully your daughter knows how to do these things as some children don't. Glad she's OK 👍 good luck with the talk x

Halloweiner · 09/01/2022 23:01

Did you find out what time he got up, OP? I'd probably text him and ask whether he was ill, but it depends on your relationship with him and how he would take it. It's not ideal at all though, he should be spending quality time with her.

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 10/01/2022 00:11

@Halloweiner

Did you find out what time he got up, OP? I'd probably text him and ask whether he was ill, but it depends on your relationship with him and how he would take it. It's not ideal at all though, he should be spending quality time with her.
Yeah he got up at 1pm. I text her to check! He then took her to the park 'egging' I said what do you mean 'egging'? And she said they threw eggs against a wall at the park Confused is that a normal activity? Bizarre.
OP posts:
SocialConnection · 10/01/2022 01:03

Vandalising the park, food waste, creating mess and smell for someone else to clean up, attracting rats, doing a destructive activity that could be an outlet for pent up anger, frustration, rage. And involving your daughter in it.

AuntyBumBum · 10/01/2022 01:17

@SocialConnection

Vandalising the park, food waste, creating mess and smell for someone else to clean up, attracting rats, doing a destructive activity that could be an outlet for pent up anger, frustration, rage. And involving your daughter in it.
Hmm

I suspect he's on drugs, freely parks his car outside other people's houses and washes his underwear in with his towels and well.

madisonbridges · 10/01/2022 01:24

@AuntyBumBum

SocialConnection
Vandalising the park, food waste, creating mess and smell for someone else to clean up, attracting rats, doing a destructive activity that could be an outlet for pent up anger, frustration, rage. And involving your daughter in it.

hmm
I suspect he's on drugs, freely parks his car outside other people's houses and washes his underwear in with his towels as well.

And owns a toilet brush. Bastard.

KylieKoKo · 10/01/2022 01:32

It's not ideal by any means but if it's a one off it's surely more likely he's unwell. When I had covid first I knew my alarm went off for work and it hurt to move. I texted my boss to say I was sick and woke up at 3.30 pm which shocked me. I certainly hadn't been drinking or taking drugs!

I would keep an eye and see if it happens again but as a one off I think he sounds poorly!

Kinko · 10/01/2022 01:36

Yeah if there's no other grown up in the house that's way too late. Would have been better if he at least dozed on the sofa while she watched some t.v.

I agree with another poster that said drink or drugs because waking up at that time just because seems a bit 'off'. But maybe he had a migraine? My husband sometimes wakes up with them and no matter what he has going on all he can do is take painkillers and sleep it off.

So I'd give him the benefit of the doubt by starting the conversation saying - DD told me you weren't up until gone midday, were you ill? If ever you're unwell please do feel like you can call me to collect DD, I'd rather pick her up then having her alone for most of the day if you're too poorly to get up with her.

I think that gets the message across without being unduly antagonist about it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 10/01/2022 01:37

Poor kid. She’ll just stop going altogether. Not being able to get up to spend time with your daughter two mornings a month is pretty pathetic.

KylieKoKo · 10/01/2022 01:40

I think it's really odd that people would assume that a teetotal man in his 40s has suddenly started taking drugs with his daughter in the house because he slept late on one occasion.

Kinko · 10/01/2022 01:50

@KylieKoKo

I think it's really odd that people would assume that a teetotal man in his 40s has suddenly started taking drugs with his daughter in the house because he slept late on one occasion.
That might be fair. When I posted I hadn't seen the OP's remark about being teetotal etc.

But, I also think it's odd that a man in his 40s would sleep in until after midday on his contact day with his daughter. For me that goes beyond 'slept in'.